35.1
Kavita
I had my travel bag ready in my room. I remembered, I had left it in hospital on the day of my arrival. It completely evaporated from my memory. Lakshmi must have kept it in my room while I was engrossed in my confession. The contents of the bag were intact with some additional garments. Jaya had taken care of my immediate future requirements for a couple of days.
Jaya dropped me at bus station. She hugged me before I boarded the bus. She bubbled, “I know, you will forget me after meeting your husband. Try to make a visit on your return journey. Dada knows my address.”
I affirmed, “I also know your address. I will definitely reach.”
She giggled, “You don’t know my home address. Where you stayed is treatment center. I thought you had guessed it already.” She paused then requested earnestly, “I will wait for your early return with my brother.”
Just before wheels rolled, Jaya slipped a small pouch in my hand and smiled mischievously, “Don’t open this. Hand over this to your husband, when you meet him.”
***
By the time I alighted from bus, after making a change en route, it was late afternoon. The bus conductor was very helpful to guide me reaching my destination. I was happy on the possibilities to meet my husband.
The main gate was 15 minutes’ walk from the bus route where I was dropped. The leading road on the right of main road sloped downwards for nearly 150 meters, before taking a sharp bend to right to reach the asylum main gate. The person keeping the gate had knowledge of my arrival. He promptly guided me to reception. I received a warm welcome and was accommodated in the adjacent guest house. Guruji met me in the evening after prayer.
Guruji may have crossed 60 years but looked younger. His saffron dress was enhancing his spirituality. By looking at him once, I got the feelings of assurance. I felt a mysterious attraction. I touched his feet out of respect and sought blessings.
“Beti, how are you?” His melodious voice removed my all anxiety whatever I had in me. It felt like I am in safe hands
I nodded my head.
“I must convey my apology on behalf of me and my staff who were sometimes rude to you and inflicted humiliation. Sometimes, you were subjected to emotional blackmailing. Please consider everything as part of our pursuit to understand your psychology. It was an essential part of your treatment. You had to face a lot of hardship in the process. I look forward for your forgiveness.”
I did not know what to answer. Guruji was seeking forgiveness from me! The bewilderment within me mystified my mind. The only thing I could do is bending my head in absolute obedience to this enormous spiritual leader.
“I consider your non reply in positive sense as absolution.”
I think he paused for my reaction.
“Beti it will take some more time till I am in a position to explain you fully. There are some areas which I am convinced to be resolved prior to your reunion with your husband. I need your full cooperation. Beti, you have to show some patience before you can meet your husband. I will not make you wait unnecessarily. A few things, I consider, we must discuss before you finally resume your conjugal life. This may be helpful to you. I am convinced, you may not be aware of something about yourself. The revelation may surprise you, even may bring changes in your future life.”
I reached here with diminishing hope of meeting my husband. He lived my hope of getting back of my marital life. I could not believe my ears. Was I dreaming? Struck with awesome delightfulness, I lifted my face to look at him. He was smiling in pleasant oblivion. I could find all assurances in his eyes.
Guruji looked for my response before continuing, “Please allow me a week to complete some important formalities before we meet again. We have to postpone our discussion till then. If you insist on for meeting your husband now, I can arrange. However, I always advise you finishing discussion with me before you meet your husband.”
I agreed to his proposal with heavy heart. “It’s painful for me to be away from him. I will not disobey you. Please assure me, that he is all right?” I could not control my despondency.
“Don’t worry about him. He is in perfect health.” Guruji assured me. “In the meantime, you may spend your time with the young children housed in this orphanage. You will enjoy their warmth tenderness.”
I touched his feet again before retiring to my room.
Next day morning I waked up at the chirping sounds of unknown birds. When last I had this pleasurable moment of my life could not remember. Quickly I got ready for a visual treat. I could get a proper glimpse of the asylum. A stroll around revealed the beauty of the campus in its pristine sanctity. It was located in a vast valley. A small hilly river was flowing on south. Other three sides were covered by Himalayan range from low to gradual heights, finally disappearing somewhere. The main road leading to Mussorie had presence on west and north. In a circular curvature, the road pierced through the range to disappear quickly behind the hill.
In addition to orphanage, the asylum housed an old age home, a small hospital, a primary college, some vocational training facilities and a few residential quarters. And flowers were present everywhere, mostly, unknown to me. The nature had blossomed in its full glory after the just concluded rainy season. No crippling noises to disturb your concentration. Everybody was performing their individual duties without showing any hustle and bustle. Only pleasant smiling faces welcomed me everywhere. In the evening I joined the prayer. Except one medium sized OM, nothing was present in the prayer hall. Better to say meditation hall. No religion was prominent.
For next few days’ my times were with the young children in orphanage. The lives of the children were disciplined. They appeared to be happy. People were there to take care of their basic needs.
In spite of getting most of the facilities, I could clearly feel the void in their lives. The love and care of parental touch was absent in their lives. They hardly spoke about parents. For many, there was no existence of the word ‘parent’ in their lives. Concept of family did not exist. I was an alien to them. In the beginning, the very young ones were observing me from a distance with apprehensive looks. Slowly, I could reduce the distance. Quickly, I realised, I should not have done this. The pain within them reflected in me. My already wounded feeble heart crumbled in their misery.
The days were somehow tolerable. The nights became more tiresome. My past continued hunting me in unison with the miseries of these children. Whose miseries are more painful, the orphan children or their mothers? I took pity on the hapless mothers, who after going through the laborious process of motherhood forced to abandon their children? I could visualise their pain, agony and compulsiveness for such blatant inhuman behaviour.
Seventh day evening Guruji called me after evening prayer. Suddenly I felt a chill flowing in my backbone. Since reaching asylum, I was spending time with the destitute children, my mind raced into my past. Something I did not disclose to anybody. I could not. I have kept it closely secret from everybody. I kept it secret within myself. I wanted to keep it secret from me also. Is it possible for Guruji to suspect about it? But how will he know? I convinced myself of unnecessary prang. The secrecy will die along with me. There is no need to get worry, I comforted myself in assurance.
Guruji welcomed me in his prayer room. He was alone, seated on the floor in ‘Padmasana’. He indicated me to close the door behind. I obliged.
It took some time for me to adjust in the semi darkness. The room was lighted by a solitary oil lamp placed at the bottom near to a magnificent OM. I could not locate visual representation of any God or Goddess of any religion. Guruji was facing OM sideways. He indicated me to sit down in front of him, “Please take your seat, Beti”
I touched his feet and took my seat. Guruji touched his hand on my head, “God bless you.”
Slowly, I lifted my head to look at him. He was smiling. His smile had the assurance I was craving for. The fear within me subsidized. Guruji waited till I smiled. He assured me again and started. “Beti, don’t worry. Everything will be all right. Have patience and belief in yourself. Jaya is an active member of the society and acted as per my instructions. I have gone through every detail you shared with her. I am also well aware about your confession with Dr M Preethi at Bangalore. I need your full cooperation and concentration in the foregoing discussion. We will touch upon human psychology. You are very much disturbed in your subconscious mind. The very cause of your disturbance is worrying me.”
I put my face down again. I could feel the turmoil of my mind. ‘Does he know the real reasons of my disturbed mind?’
There was silence. A long silence prevailed. Finally, I lifted my head again. Guruji looked through my eyes. “Beti I am a bit concerned about your past. You must come out clean before embracing your marital relationship. There was something disturbing you which led to your abnormal behaviour and broken marital relationship. Trust and honesty are two important qualities to be adhered for successful relationship to bloom. I want you to be honest with self and not to lose trust of others.”
“He knows everything. He knows every hidden secret of my life. What next? He will throw me out of here.”The guilty feelings within me overtook my conscious mind. I lost all hope of meeting my husband. Desperately I croaked in broken voice, “Guruji, trust me. I love my husband.” I broke down. Momentarily, it appeared I have lost everything. Ultimately my sin has prevailed. It’s all over. “Please give me a chance, Guruji. I have not lied anything. Please allow me to meet him once. I don’t consider myself worth to be his wife. I want to seek his forgiveness. I am giving my word. I will not pester further.” I broke down in heartbroken whimper.
Guruji waited till I regained my self-control. “Please don’t jump into conclusion. I know you have not lied. Never feel bad about yourself. A child is born in innocence. Based on our upbringing and circumstances we are different. I value humanity. I have put you through various tests to ensure your love for your husband. Sometimes gratitude, gratefulness, guilty consciousness etc are commonly mistaken with love. A love is supreme positive feelings of mind. It is independent of any return. Without ensuring your love for your husband, I would not have summoned you here. Please calm down Beti. “
His assurances had effect in my mind. His last sentence lived my hope again. He was not angry with me. I smiled faintly in optimism.
I lifted my head to look at Guruji. He was all smiling. He put his hand on my head in blessing, “We all do mistakes. In order to cover up mistakes, we repeat another mistake. The chain continues till we reach at a point where we lose sense of right or wrong. We continue doing miserable things. Not only we hurt our near & dears, we hurt ourselves. We fill our minds with hopelessness and despair. Finally, we perish in misery. “
I kept looking at him in awesome dumbness.
“It takes a lot of courage to accept the truth, Beti. Let almighty bless you courage to understand and accept mistakes. The courage has to be generated inside your mind. You have to decide your path.”
As if to give me time to decide and make up my mind, he paused.
[i]He continued in sweet tone, “You were obsessed with motherhood. Jaya may have already informed you that, you did not conceive because you were suffering from Asherman’s Syndrome. The problem persisted from the time prior to your marriage. “[/i]
There must be something wrong. Guruji may have made some grave mistakes. In quivering voice expressed in bewilderment, “it is not possible. I know definitely I had no medical issues. It was sheer coincidence; I did not get pregnant.”
In slow confident voice Guruji said, “It is possible, Beti. I can understand the reason of your bewilderment. The incidents in your life helped you built up confidence on your physical capabilities beyond doubt. You were certain on your fertility. You can’t be blamed. Asherman’s Syndrome is not congenital defects. As a matter of fact, major cause of Asherman’s Syndrome is due to abortion related complicacy”
Guruji talked about abortion. Abortion! He talked about the word I hated most.
Guruji continued further. “Beti, By God’s grace we were successful in eliminating the hurdles concerning your pregnancy. You are now free of all hurdles. You will be able to embrace motherhood. Now, you are free to return to your husband.”
Nothing was registering in my brain. My past was hunting me relentlessly. I was on the threshold of the biggest truth of my life; the truth of my sin, the truth of my disgrace, the scandalous truth of my ignominy, the truth of my immorality. I broke down “I am a sinner. I have killed a life. I am a murderer. I must be punished.”
My behaviour must have turned hostile. Guruji indicated me to calm down. He was smiling.
I croaked again, “kindly, allow me to confess.” I was in all tears.
He was not in hurry. “Please calm down Beti. You have not done any sin. First you go and wash your face.”
Within ten minutes, I was back in the room again. He indicated me to take my seat again. I obliged but could not look at him.
“Look at my face Beti. Don’t shy away covering the face while accepting the truth. Be courageous. You have not done anything wrong.” Guruji closed his eyes.
I straight looked at his face. There was no sign of hate. A faint smile was glowing in his face. Encouraged, I confessed my crime, “In college life, I came in contact with Prem. He was very popular among girls. I was overwhelmed with his charm & manliness. He used to behave very nicely. My upbringing never allowed me mixing with boys. I got blown away. I did not love him. There was no attachment. I was one of his many girl friends. It did not deter me to develop physical intimacy. Unfortunately, I got pregnant. Marriage was never in my mind. I could not confide my pregnancy with my parents. They believed me blindly. I feared they will end their life in shame. I had no option but to abort secretly. I have killed a life. I have committed sin. I must be punished.” I broke down with inconsolable tears.
How long I wept I don’t know. Nobody comforted me. I regain my self-control slowly. Very slowly I lifted my head to look at Guruji. He was smiling. He put his hand on my head.
I whispered, “I have no moral to live. My life has no value. I have been punished for my sin. I deserve further punishment.”
Guruji’s calm voice resonated in my brain. “You are remorseful. You are seeing everything in negative mind. Be positive. You will be able to justify your actions in more acceptable positive way. Every incidents occurring in nature has negative as well as positive impacts. Apparently, many a times, in our confused mind state, we ignore the positive sides “
“What you view as killing a life, I consider it as saving of life from misery. You have been associated with our orphanage for week long. These children have not seen their parents. Emotional and behavioural problems are more among orphans because they are exposed to abuse, exploitation, neglect, and lack of love & care of parents. In upcoming life, they are also more likely to be emotionally drained, insecure, and poor. The rehabilitation programme is very limited. Societies, in general, don’t accept them. Very few are adopted. Many a times, we have been fooled. Some scrupulous persons adopt children for illegal activities under disguise of social welfare. In spite of our best efforts, we are unable to provide justice to them. Still I must say, the children who reach our orphanage are lucky. There are a lot of children abandoned by parents immediately after birth, mostly by unmarried mothers, are never traced. Many orphan boys in their adulthood turn into unsocial elements engaged into all varieties of unsocial and unethical activities. Sexual offence against women and committing murders are very common among them. The orphan girls mostly find their ways into flesh trades.”
I could sense the deep pain in his voice. He took a pregnant pause before addressing me, “You have reduced the misery of an orphan child. Remove guilty feelings from your mind. Embrace your new life in cheerful mind. Your husband needs your love & affection. You have some responsibilities to your marital life while enjoying right of a woman. You must perform your duties as true wife. “
Wife, duties, responsibilities, right of a woman – I had faulted at each and every level. I kept looking at him in bewilderment without understanding. Guruji may have sensed my mental frigidness. He continued, “Before marriage, as an adult young independent woman you enjoy certain rights. But after marriage, you are not independent. You share enhanced responsibilities though rights as a woman still exists. Attaining motherhood was your right. Intention was good. The methods you adopted was faulty because you encroached upon within the rights of other related persons. In a relationship, you don’t enjoy absolute rights. You made mistakes. You were not entirely responsible for your mistake. Childlessness could be due to infertility of any partner, or even may be due to nature’s choice. Unfortunately, in present society the burden of the burnt is solely shouldered by women only which is unjustified. The inequality and inhuman behaviour towards women are still predominantly burdened to women in present societal culture. Your in-laws and parents are also responsible behind your mistake. Even, your husband also had done mistake. He could not perform the duties of a husband, a must in a marital relationship. We all do mistake. We have our limitations. Our misconception on life adds fuels to our misery. Humans are not God. You must come out of your guilty feelings and concentrate on your responsibilities.”
Guruji’s soothing words had effect in my mind. He changed my entire thinking process. Still I was not convinced of my debauchery. “How can I forget the pain my husband has suffered because of me? Day after day, I have cheated on him. He was pleading for my safety, my honour. In return I humiliated him more and more. I made him suffer physically and emotionally. My crime is beyond anybody’s forgiveness.” My voice croaked.
“Beti, look at me. Just visualize the other way. If you had accepted your husband in same condition as he was, he would have never come out of his fear & anxiety. He was leading a worst life uncalled for any human. He possessed a lot of virtue. Everything shadowed under fear & anxiety. He was not a MAN. You have created an opportunity for him to come out of his shell and improve to live a dignified life. He has realised true value of life. He is now free of his self created bondage. You have transformed him into a MAN. Remove all negative emotions and Think positive.”
I could not get enough comfort to come out of my guilt. I further stressed on my wrongdoings, “I only allowed Prem to our house. I had knowledge about his paranoid personalities. Knowingly, I made the inexcusable errors.”
Guruji continued to boost up my morale in his melodious voice, “Beti, you were victim of circumstances. You were not at all responsible for Prem’s sadistic behaviour. It was bound to happen. He would have found a different means to revenge on you. If not you, somebody else would have been victim.”
Guruji took a deep breath before continuing. “Earlier I had mentioned you about tragic life of orphan children. Prem was an orphan child abandoned by an unmarried Hinndu Brahmmin woman. When he was adopted by a Musslim couple, he was already grown up to the age of retaining clear memory. His childhood was marred with domestic violence. He came in contact with narcotics. Even he could not complete his education. After attaining adulthood, he searched for his birth details. Only details he could forge out that her mother was unmarried and from Brahmmin community. He developed a rare psychological disorder of revenging Brahmmin women. His most victims were Brahmmin virgins. He never loved any woman. He started enjoying the distress and painful life of his victims. He was obsessed with his unwelcome birth details. Unfortunately, he never found a woman to love him. All the women, he came in contact, deserted him after a few meets. “
“He developed a feeling of being used. Instead of correcting his wrong approach, he became sadist. He started extorting them by wrongful means. His complete attention got diverted in wrongful means in such scale that he started neglecting his studies. He was unsuccessful in academics. Consequent to this, he was unsuccessful in personal career also. You were a part of his obsessed perverse revenge programme. Where do you want to fix responsibility for your life debacle? It could be yours or your husband’s up bring, it could be social taboo on sex in society, It could be improper sex-education at puberty, It could be unwanted stress on physical purity, It could be inequality in society between sexes at different phases of life, it could be Prem’s distressing childhood, it could be his foster parents’ attitude, It could be his biological father who abandoned his mother, it could be his wretched mother, it could be the orphanage shared his birth details or even it could be the societal dictations which dictated his mother to abandon her child. Life can’t progress only finding the faults and shedding responsibilities. Step forward, learning lessons from past.”
I croaked in devoid of self belief, “But, how can I forgive myself.”
Guruji answered, “Think of love. If you love your husband, you can forgive yourself. Humans are possessed of some great emotions. And love is supreme of all. Love is so enormous, so vast, and so powerful that it can wipe out all other emotions. A love does never call for any return. A love for a return is not love at all. Love is all about sacrifice of self-esteem for the loved ones. You enhance your happiness by loving. You feel completeness. Love calls for sacrifice. A mother loving his child never thinks for return. A soldier makes ultimate sacrifice of his life for his country out of love. A naturist love nature in very similar way. If you look down, you will observe all human is basically governed by love to oneself. You love others for becoming happy because you want to see yourself happy. The desire to be happy makes you love to self which again drives you to love others. I am also no different. I am taking care of you because I want to see you happy. By seeing you happy, I will be happy. The driving force is the desire to be happy.”
Unable to get convinced totally I asked, “How do I ensure my love is not construed?”
Guruji smiled, “Very simple. Easiest way is asking to your consciousness. You can hide yourself from the world. You can hide your mind from others. You can never hide yourself from you. Your conscious will never cheat on you. It is not that important what you are planning to do. The importance is in your intention. You will never be let down by your consciousness. Your intentions were good but unfortunately ill planned. You have done mistakes. Life does not and should not end on a few mistakes. Stand erect on mistakes and move on not to repeat the same.”
Guruji took a pregnant pause before voicing. “Learn from past to live in future; not the reverse ways.”
It took some time to register his explanation in my brain.
Painstakingly I surrendered again, “I have failed in my intentions. I could not safeguard pride of my husband. On the contrary, I caused pain to him. I have brought disgrace to my family, his family. All of them are suffering miserably only for my foolish act. They have already denounced me. I am not finding any moral strength to face them.”
“Beti, you are wrong again. You are much concentrating on imagination. Parents never denounce their children. Under certain conditions of setback and immense griefs, it may appear their emotions filled with loath and rejection. The love and blessings always exist behind their apparent rejection. It takes time for the rejection to be wiped out. Always remember their sufferings are much more than your sufferings. By reaching to them, you will not cause pain to them; you will give them fresh lease of life to live. Apart from your husband, four more lives are waiting for your return. You have no right to punish them further.”
“Are my parents aware of my details? Will they accept me again after knowing every detail?”
Guruji’s broad smile reached my heart, “They are already aware of everything up to your Hardwar stay and they have already accepted you. You need not worry much.”
“And my in-laws?”
“Your husband is their life and you are life of your husband. You know it very well.”
“And my husband?”
“He is not aware of anything, not even your physical violation by Prem. You need to educate him on everything.
The imagination of opening up my mind put my mind in turmoil again. “How can I describe the truth of my cunning planning of depriving him of fatherhood? He may not say anything. He will accept me. I know, he will accept me even knowing my conspiracy against him. He loves me hopelessly. How do I face him? And he will touch this unchaste body; the body has been defiled by Prem night after night. I only allowed Prem to defile and debauch me.” My mind travelled to my imminent punishment.
My body was shaking in spasm. “Guruji, please have mercy on me. I can’t. I can’t cheat him further with this filthy impure body. I don’t approve myself fit to be his wife. Please don’t punish me further.” I covered my face in both hands to hide it from Guruji in utter shame.
“I can understand your mental state of hesitation. You are unnecessary overburdened much about the purity of body and mind. The definitions of purity of body and mind are created by man for purpose and they are not eternal. The definitions changes from country to country, from religion to religion, from society to society and even within society between races. The definitions changed from older days to present one and will still change to new in future. If you talk about mind, it does not have physical existence. It is a process within brain. You say software. There is nothing called purity of mind. There are all types of inputs. You need to decide and educate your mind to process the types of inputs for a desired outputs.”
“You take any example. Say, look at this stone. Your sensory organs detect the presence of stone. Your mind process on how the stone can be utilised. It can be an object of worship, a weapon, a playing assistant, a paperweight, a decorative item and many more. Mind process based on stored input in memory and behavioural inclination of individuals. You can always modify your thinking process. We are all humans and humans are bound to make mistakes. There are always options of corrections. There are always options to correct your thinking process for a better constructive meaningful outcome.”
“Remember our mythology. Remember our Panchasati, 5 virtuous women, who are the destroyers of great sins, whom we always consider as pure.They are Ahalya, Draupadi, Kunti, Tara, and Mandodari. All of them had multiple coital partners in their lives. A meaningful thought process is all that matters. The body is the container, a mortal, ever changing object of little value. Think positive, think right.”
Slowly Guruji got up from his seat. I touched my head on his feet. He put his hand over my head in blessing, “Be happy, and be positive.”
He handed over an envelope. “This will take you to your husband.”
I bowed in obeisance and touched his feet again. Then slowly got up and left the room immersed in my thoughts.
********
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