Kavita
33.1
I was saved again. Gowri made impossible to possible. She took me to hospital in time to save my life.
I had spat on my husband. I had thrown him out of the house without his faults. Incidences in my life were experiencing changes at very rapid pace. Within a space of few months, I had been reduced from ‘
Have’ to ‘
Have not’s’ mostly by my own creation. I had been trapped into a black hole devoid of any light from anywhere. Finally, life had presented me a lonely life, all alone except for my agonising memory. My in-laws deserted me as expected, but my parents. My mother did not allow me to explain my situations. She also believed whatever she had listened. She did not give me a chance to share my agony. I could tolerate their loathsome in belief of only hope I had with my husband. In this world, the last straw I could depend was his unmasked love. I messed up with that also, I doubted on his love. He landed at a time when I was least expecting him. I was caught in a whirl pond. I had lost track on activities. I was overwhelmed with turmoil. By the time he was persisting for my loath, my mind had stopped working. Without understanding the depth, mechanically, I succumbed to my mental pressure. My smartness, my intelligence nothing worked.
A few days had passed since that dreadful evening. Next Sunday, I was looking at the guest room. Last time the room was used by my husband & Jaya.
I traversed to my memory lane. ‘
He came to confess. He was fervently requesting for my ears. I did not allow him to speak. I was preoccupied by his apparent misdeeds proved to be wrong in a short while but not before I spitted my venom. I had forced him to leave.’ The more I thought, the more I became restless. The desire to meet him became inevitable.
‘They knew each other. Quite possible they are staying together. Are they married presently?’ A jealousy touched my heart. She seemed to be very happy with him. I had seen a spark in her eyes. Every morning for two days, I did observe her satisfied look. She had made him happy. I could not. I could not or I did not. Dr. Preethi told, there was possibility of worst. How did I behave so insane? I prayed for Jaya to keep him happy. Jaya had left a note before leaving.
“Be courageous to accept the truth, because you can’t change the truth. We are destined to meet again. ”
She talked about truth! What truth was she referring? How does she know about my closely guarded secret? What she knows about the truth I had kept secret from my husband, even from myself? She must be playing with my mind. What she wanted to say by, “
We are destined to meet again.”Did it mean that she knew very well that I would be compelled to meet her some day!
And my brain sparked. Jaya handed me her card to contact her in need. Would it be proper to enter into their personal space? I was not sure; however, I decided to meet her at least once, ‘I
can reach my husband only through her. Even if they do not stay together, Jaya may know his whereabouts. I must tell him the truth. I must seek forgiveness. But, if she does not permit me to meet him, what should I do? Chances are pretty high, especially considering my last insensitive cruel behaviour. I will mend her. I will beg for her mercy for one-time permission. She appeared not to be a heartless woman. She did not behave with me so nicely. She was not expected also. I am not going to claim my husband from her. She will definitely grant me permission for meeting him at least once. I will meet him in presence of her, if she demands. This will be a workable solution.’
Frantically, I started searching for the card. That day I had kept it in the kitchen. I searched everywhere in the kitchen. Gowri helped me in my search. It seems, the card had gone forever like him. I lost all hope when I remembered the Jaya’s abandoned handbag. It could contain some clue, I reassured myself. I raced to the guest room to retrieve the handbag. Momentarily my heartbeat stopped in anticipation. In trembling hand, I opened the bag and it was there. I found the address I was searching for. Dr Jaya was psychiatrist in Hardwar. She was connected to ‘
Orphan Rehabilitation Society’
***
I reached Hardwar in the morning. With a lot of efforts, I could persuade Gowri not accompanying me. It was a journey of self realization. It was a journey of self belief. It was a journey of sacrifice, sacrifice of my false ego and pride. “
Sometimes in your life, you are alone.” I preferred to undertake this toughest journey of my life alone. Auto-rickshaw took me to the hospital from railway station within half an hour. Dr Jaya was well known. I could easily find her chamber. Receptionist casually asked my name and purpose of my visit.
With lot of apprehensions, hesitantly I introduced myself, “
I am Kavita Sharma from Bangalore coming on personal visit.” I hardly finished my introduction, she got alerted. Asking me to wait, she hurriedly disappeared behind the closed door. Even before I could search for an empty seat, Dr. Jaya came rushing out of her chamber, all smiling. She hugged me in tight embrace, “
Finally you have found my address. I am impatiently waiting for last ten days.” She looked like meeting her close friend after a long gap.
I was taken aback. Why was she waiting for me? She had nothing to gain from me. I could not rationalise. Then remembered, ‘
She needed my consent. She needed my divorce for marrying my husband.’ Before I could open my mouth, she gestured me silence. After giving some quick instructions to the receptionist and advising her to keep a watch on my travel bag, she pulled me by hand towards an unknown destination. She forcefully stopped my attempts initiating any discussion.
Soon we were in another building. Jaya took me inside the chamber of another Doctor.
Dr. Bharati Khanna, Gynaecologist, I read from the name plate. Jaya introduced me as her best friend and addressed to the doctor, “
Bharati, you complete your all formalities as discussed earlier. Please take care that my friend does not remain hungry.” Then Jaya addressed me, “
Kavita, I am quite busy now. We will meet in the evening and discuss. In the meantime, Dr. Bharati will take care of you. See you in the evening.” And she left before I could protest.
The people were behaving strange to me. Dr. Bharati straightway put me under medical diagnosis for unknown reasons. All my protest fell into dumb heads. My medical tests continued throughout the day. I could not convince anybody that my purpose of visit was not for any medical treatment. It appeared that the doctors and staff were
accustomed to the refusal of patients being tested. They must have considered me as a mentally unsound person. Reluctantly, I surrendered to their investigations. First time in my life, I was undergoing medical diagnosis for unknown reasons. I did not get any clear picture against my inquiries, from attending medical professionals. Fortunately, they provided me with foods in-between.
Jaya resurfaced only after sunset. Before I could speak, she whispered in my ear, “
Kavita, this is hospital. Don’t worry, we will discuss in privacy.” Clearly she was evading my queries. She appeared to have full knowledge of my purpose of visit. Did Gowri inform her in advance, I doubted.
Ignoring my all protest, she drove me to her house. In privacy of car I complained, “
It seems, you know very well my purpose of visit. I did not come here for medical treatment.”
Pleading ignorance Jaya replied amusingly, “
Kavita, I am sorry. I thought you have come for medical treatment. Actually, nobody comes to hospital to meet us for other than medical treatment. I thought you also may have come for that. Anyway, I apologize. So, you must have come for that western dress, I was discussing with you last time. Am I right, Kavita?” She did not try to hide her humorous tone.
Jaya was making mockery of me. She knew very purpose of my visit. Deliberately, she was humiliating me. I thought of getting down. Then I decided against it. I must show restraint. I must accept all humiliations to reach my husband. She knew whereabouts of him and knowing very well the purpose of my visit, she was down playing with me. I decided to play safe by ignoring her sarcasm. Fortunately, Jaya did not pester further. Her attitude was enough for me not to pester further on the issue inside car.
Soon we reached her house. After alighting, hesitantly I expressed, “
I should not have disturbed you without intimation.” I was honest.
She embraced me again, “
I was expecting you earlier. I am really happy to see you. You look a lot more disturbed than our previous meeting. Not keeping good health also. Please come in. freshened up first.” Jaya pulled me along the pathway not leaving my hand for once. I did not get any opportunity to open up further discussion. Straight way she leaded me upstairs to a specious room.
In pleading gesture, she informed, “
Take shower and get ready quickly for dinner. I am hungry. I will wait at dining table downstairs.”
I shyly informed, “Actually I did not carry much luggage. I thought of returning today itself, “My luggage? I had left it in hospital. I acknowledged embarrassingly, “
I had forgotten to collect my luggage from hospital.”
Jaya intervened, “
Don’t worry about it. You will find everything of your brand in the washroom. Open the dresser to choose your dress. Please don’t waste any more time. “
I tried to protest meekly, “
I am disturbing you without prior intimation. I can go back to a hotel.”
Jaya shined in broad smile, “
Have you finished your arguments? Now listen. You are my most distinguished guest and I am not approving your staying outside. I am very hungry. So, please, no more waste of time. We will discuss over dinner. Try to be ready within half an hour.”
She departed closing the door behind.
I inspected the room casually. It had a close resemblance with our Bangalore home in terms of furniture arrangement and decoration. Except that, the room was spacious. Without paying much attention I entered washroom.
I had my first shock checking the dress waiting for me. One new sari with complete set including undergarments was neatly stacked. It had close resemblance of the sari I wore that day to receive Prem in the station. I convinced myself, ‘
This must be a coincidence.’ Reluctantly, I changed into sari to proceed to downstairs.
Jaya was waiting. She had already changed into full body two piece night dresses. She greeted me in beaming smile, “
you look marvelous in this sari. I am unable to keep my eyes off.”
I smiled coyly and saw my reflection at the mirror behind Jaya. I looked seductive. Suddenly, I felt miserable, thinking of my past. I started hating myself.
While having dinner I broached upon the subject directly, “
I came here to find out whereabouts of him, “ I hesitated a bit and continued, ”
how is he? Does he remember me? He may be despising me a lot?”
Jay chuckled, “
You are ready with so many questions at a time for me to answer, Kavita? You could have asked these over telephone. Only to get answers to those questions, you traveled such long distance, I don’t believe.”
I did not take his name. Jaya also did not take his name. We both knew whom we were referring to.
Slowly I answered, “
I want to apologize to him in person. I want to see him happy.”
Jaya appeared to be serious, “
Anything else?” I got a jolt. She may not approve my meeting with him.
I vaguely tried to force a grin in my face. “
Yeah! I want him to believe that I don’t hate him. What he knows, is not true.” I put my face down.
She did not rush to answer me. I waited long and lifted my face in anticipation of rejection. She was smiling. “
Please finish your food first. We will discuss.” I could sense the softness and assurance in her voice.
We finished our dinner silently.
“
What will you prefer in breakfast? Will South Indian do?” Jaya was courteous again after dinner.
“
I have no particular preference. Anything will do.” I was apologetic.
She guided me to my room. “
You look tired physically & mentally. Why don’t take rest now. I have arranged some more clothing and kept in dresser. Now take this medicine and sleep.”
I took the medicine but hesitated.
“
Don’t worry. I am a practicing professional doctor. You may not trust me but you can always trust Dr. Jaya and her professional ethics. Meet you in the morning.” She closed the door behind.
Clearly Jaya was behaving evasive. I could not get confirmation from her gesture. She did not deny directly nor did she accept either. One thing was clear that she had information. I must show patience. I took the medicine and opened the closet for changing into something comfortable. Another shock was waiting for me. Dresses were of my choice. Did she know that I would be visiting? She must have spent a lot of money & time to match my taste. But then, what was her motive? I could not think more. I needed rest. Quickly, I changed into a full body nightly and slept.
***
I woke up in the morning fresh.
I had my third shock waiting for me. After freshened up, I observed one new sari with complete set including undergarments was neatly stacked on the bed. It had close resemblance of the sari I wore that Friday evening Gowri made her fourth visit. ‘
This can’t be coincidence,’ I was convinced. It was clear; she wanted to remind me of my delinquency.
Apprehensively, with heavy hearts, I changed into to proceed to downstairs.
Jaya greeted me beaming, “
You look much better in this sari. Surely, my heart will stop beating.”
I did not dare to check my reflection at the mirror.
Jaya quickly changed her tone, “
let’s have breakfast. I am dying of hunger.”
Guardedly I spoke, “
I am sorry to keep you waiting.”
“
You are welcome. Be seated.”
“
Thanks, Jaya, for your hospitality.” I tried to gauge her mood. She appeared to be in good mood. I cautiously spoke, “
I can go back today night itself, if you permit.”
“
Come on Kavita, why are you in hurry. Don’t you enjoy my company?”
“
Not that. I must not disturb you and interfere in your personal life?”
“
If that bothers you, be assured you are neither interfering nor disturbing. You must have noticed, presently, I am staying here alone. I will have better life in your company.”
‘
What she indicated by presently? Does it mean he was here and been shifted recently?’ I thought internally. I came upon the subject directly, “
Does not he staying with you?”
She returned the question back to me, “
Is he supposed to?”
I could not understand her. I put my head within my hands. ’
He visited our house to confess. He also collected the house deed to transfer the property in my name. He also got ready mutual divorce papers. This clearly indicates, he was in Bangalore after he left our house on Tuesday morning. It does not look like Jaya also stayed in Bangalore; she is a professional doctor with responsibility. Even before visiting our house, she contacted Gowri to ensure her absence. She had prior knowledge of my sexual violation. She had some knowledge about our consultancy with Dr. Preethi. It’s clear she had visited on purpose to meet me alone. Is it to declare her relationship with him or something else? She did not ask for divorce formalities. How Gowrie’s absence made difference? ’ I got confused more.
Presently she continued amusingly, “
I understand, you are confused with many questions. I will help you to find your answers. Before that we must clear our relationship.”
I was further confused, “
Our relationship? I did not understand.”
“
Please have patience. We will discuss elaborately in the evening. Presently you have to make a visit to the hospital. Dr. Bharati wants some personal discussion with you on your health condition. If you are ready, we can proceed.”
“
It appeared, Dr. Bharati had observed some minor abnormalities in the report. You are infected with Asherman’s Syndrome.” Jaya explained.
I met Dr. Bharati in the hospital. It was related to my reproductive system. Dr. Bharati wanted to cross check and make correction with my permission. She persuaded me to complete the
hysteroscopy procedure as it was simple and harmless. I doubted, it could be the side effect of the sexual drugs and sexual abuse I was subjected to. I could not ask details apprehending my past life would get exposed. I accepted.
Dr. Bharati conducted a lot of tests before and after the procedure. In late afternoon, she appeared to be very happy. The abnormalities were cleared. She prescribed some medicines and requested for another visit after two days for final checkups.
After dinner, Jaya lead me upstairs to the spacious balcony adjacent to my room.
After we seated comfortably, she spoke guardedly, “
Kavita, I know the very purpose of your visit. Before I open up myself or you ask any more questions, certain things I want you to get acquainted with. You may consider these are my conditions for discussions. I will emphasize here our relationship first.”
“
Now listen to me carefully. Presently, we can have 3 types of relationship. Scope and responsibility will vary accordingly. Consequences also will be defined. Certain rules will be binding on both of us. We both have to take vow not to cross the rules.”
Authoritatively, she pronounced, “
I take pride of strict follower of professional ethics. Whatever, will transpire between us, will normally remain within us, unless you decide otherwise. In certain exceptional cases, I may share part of our discussion with other professionals for betterment of personal life and for society as a whole. “
Immediately I understood my mission of reaching him would not be a cakewalk. I would have to pass through many intermittent steps. Hesitantly, I asked, “
Can you please elaborate?”
Jaya promptly answered. “
Oh Yes. Actually, there could have been another type, that is stranger. We are already acquainted to each other during my stay in your home for 2 nights, if you remember. So, I am not considering that.”
“
Henceforth, we will be governed by the rules.”
“
The first of the list is ‘Guest relationship.’”
“
Here you will be treated as guest, while I will be host responsible for your comfortable stay here. Guest must show gratitude to host. Guest must maintain dignity and harmony not to put host into embarrassment. Anything can be discussed barring intimate personal matters. Guests will be treated as outsiders. Duration will be maximum 7 nights. Guest may make rare visits only with permission of hosts. No misbehaviour on part of guest will be allowed. “
“
The second to follow is ‘Friends relationship.’”
“
We will treat each other as close friends. There will be no restrictions on topic of discussion. Friends will enjoy liberty of sharing everything including intimate personal information but disclosure is not compulsory. Friends will never cheat each other. Friends must trust each other. Friends must always work for betterment of friends. Duration of stay is unlimited. Friends can leave & return back any number of times, only with permission of other friend, which normally should not be denied. “
“The last one is ‘Doctor patient relationship.’”
“
Doctor will enjoy supreme power to determine and implement every aspect of patient’s activities and interfere with their intimate personal life not restricting to treatment only. Patient must show absolute trust to doctor. Patients are bound to abide by and are not permitted to refuse any treatment specifically approved by doctor. However, patient may raise any questions limited to health & treatment and doctor is bound to answer clearing the doubts. Doctor can summon patient as and when required not to be disobeyed. Patients have right to breakaway permanently not to return in future.”
She took a deep breathing, “
Presently, we are in guest relationship. You have only one choice to switch over during our lifetime relationship. Before we proceed further, you have to decide our relationship. You decide by tomorrow morning. If you are comfortable with above, we can promise to respect our boundaries. In any case, I assure you clarity of mind before you leave Hardwar. The very first thing I want you to switch off your mobile. You can share my mobile no, to your well wishers for any emergency.”
She gave me some medicines instructing to take before bed. I came back to my room full of hope. Clearly, she wanted my uninhibited surrender. Her assurance had positive effect in my mind. Strangely, I developed some trust in her. Informed Gowri not to worry about me and contact Jaya for any emergency as my phone will be switched off. Without hesitation, I took the medicines this time next morning. I did not know when I slept.
***
Morning I got up a bit late. I had a clearer picture of Jaya’s proposal. She wanted my trust and truthfulness. I had to win her trust to reach my husband. I decided firmly.
“
I have decided on ‘Friends relationship’”. I informed over breakfast.
Jaya was curious, “
Guest relationship was ruled out. You could have opted for Doctor Patient relationship. Is there any specific reason for your choice? “
I replied guardedly, “
A friend in need is a friend indeed. As a true friend you are always bound to guide & provide all medical helps. “
She beamed, “
You are not only beautiful, very intelligent also. I envy your luck.”
“
I curse my luck. I don’t want anybody in this world to suffer like me.” I was genuinely sad.
“
I am confident, you will change your mind in future to appreciate me. What’s your plan today?”
I forced a faint smiling, “
Nothing in particular except embracing your friendship.”
“
That’s like a good girl. Instruct Lakshmi on your favourite dishes. She will be eager to win your heart with her cooking skills. Don’t disappoint her.” Then with smiles she added, “
We will go for marketing today evening. Be ready by 5pm. I will pick you up. See you in the evening.”
******
I was ready by the time she returned. She was very punctual.
I appreciated her, “
You are always on time, never allowed me waiting.”
“
Punctuality is reflection of one’s character. I dislike losing trust of my near ones.” She was firm and simple. “
You are not looking attractive in this dress. Please change into this. 15 minutes.” She handed over me a packet.
I moved to my room to change. I opened the packet and my head twisted. It contained one short sleeved, short length, pullover type top of red colour, a black coloured, stretchable, body hugging pant and one push up bra. The same fittings I had worn on that Sunday, very next day of that fateful Saturday night he was slapped by Prem while I was lying on sofa. It was the same obscene dress which caused my identification by his friends Puja & Aslam. That day Prem did not lose any chance to grope me. I was humiliated in public view. There was no question of changing. I got transfixed and sweated. Tear drops started flowing in my eyes.
Finding me late, Jaya came upstairs. Mockingly she said, “
You haven’t change yet. Any fitting problem?”
I pleaded, “
Please Jaya, I cannot dress in these.”
“
Come on Kavita. You will look hot in this dress. Your figure and assets will be prominent. Your husband had confirmed that, you had been to movie in similar dresses in Bangalore. I presume, you had attracted a lot of appreciation in Bangalore. I am sure; people in Hardwar also will appreciate your sense of dressing. Why do you want them to be deprived off cherishing your beauty and figure?”
I remained silent keeping my face down in deep shame.
Jaya twisted the knife by remarking sarcastically, “
One obvious reason I find the absence of your live-in boyfriend. Definitely, I can’t be a replacement of Prem. Are you hesitating for same reason, Kavita?”
I remembered the whole incident. That day, Prem had groped and fondled my ass in full public view. He had displayed me as a sex object, a personal whore for his enjoyment. I was intimidated, I was humiliated in public. I had over ruled all objections of my husband to make an obscene display of my body. I had literally no options. Effect of my whorish behaviour did not end on that day. The very next week, his friends recognised me. I was cause for his humiliation. I was humiliated again. I vowed that day of never dressing in similar outfits again. The same incident was haunting me again. Deeply embarrassed, I briefly lifted my face to look at her and put down immediately.
She added further salt to my wound. Derisively she commented, “
I personally know some tomboys here very rich, much richer than your boyfriend. Most of them will be eager to take you as live-in partner. You may consider to give them some chances. I can arrange someone, if you so desire.”
It could have been better, if she slapped me. I did not lift my head. I did not try to give any excuse. Her purpose of humiliating me was over. I had been reminded of my grave brazen behaviours. She did not force me further to change dress before proceeding for marketing.
She was driving the car herself.
She informed while driving, “
I need to purchase something very special for special someone whose birthday is falling next week. I need your help. “
‘
Is she taking about my husband?’ I thought. To get clarification, I asked, “
Your relative?” I forced a pale smile.
“
You can say my boyfriend. He is very special to me. I want him to appreciate my gifts. I am uncertain over my choices. Hope, you won’t mind helping me selecting the right ones.”
It was clear, she was talking about him. Embarrassed, I thought, ‘
I should not have asked.’ To cover up, I immediately said, “
I may not be of much help in your shopping. You will find me a waste.”
“
I will not. I am little bit conversant with your choices. I value your taste. We have reached our destination.” She declared before turning the car to the parking lot of a multiplex.
We entered into a general store where she purchased a nice gift box and some different types of colour papers.
“
I want the gift box to be eye catching. I want him to be impressed even before opening the pack. Can you help me in packing the gift?”
I nodded my head in affirmative.
“
Then select some decorative items.”
I collected some related items, before she guided me to the ladies section.
“
I want to gift him some pretty undergarments. I know the size. You have to select the different types.” Before I could react, we were in front of panty section.
I wanted to die on the spot. The correlation was so obvious. I felt humiliated again. Jaya did not name anybody. One day, I myself coerced this humiliation with Prem to humiliate my husband. Unknowingly, I had submitted myself into Prem’s trap. I had my own interest to break the mental resistance of my husband for a purpose. That day and subsequently I had multiplied the plight of his pain. I did not allow him to breathe. I even did not try to figure out his real compulsion on his sissy dressing till my eyes were fully opened on a fateful Saturday night. By that time it was already late for any corrective actions. My one mistake led to another and it continued ruining my life completely. I could not raise my head in utter humiliation. Jaya asked many questions. Nothing entered my brain. I became dumb. I prayed for early closure of my mental torture. Little I knew, there were some more to come.
***
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