19-01-2022, 07:29 PM
She smiled again, but sadly this time. "I sometimes think it's as well that he also never believed that cigarettes were bad for you. He wouldn't have liked the way things are now. Not just the way things have changed, not just how his daughter turned out..." The twinkle came back into her eye. "I can imagine what he would have thought when we had a Black President. Probably have packed his bags and headed off for ... I dunno, Russia maybe! Taking refuge in a country run by an old KGB guy - that would have been the ultimate!" She laughed and then was quiet again, contemplating her mixture of emotions.
"When he died my mother and little brother went back home - she had family there and it was clear that things hadn't worked out quite how Dad had predicted. Not perfect but where is? I was in college in Fresno but that didn't turn me. I'd seen enough back home to know that Dad, who I loved dearly, could talk a lot of BS. I'd seen plenty of them - obsessed by the superiority of their race because they had fuck all else going for them. Flashing their fat wallets because they weren't ever getting any unless they paid for it. Not that there didn't turn out to be plenty of that sort over here too."
"So I'm a year off finishing my course when this agent contacted me. Said I had 'the right look', said I could make it big in Hollywood. Turned my head, got me to junk my studies. Which was all fine except for the fact that I couldn't act for shit. You don't need me to tell you. A LOT of pretty girls out there and a LOT of sharks. My agent included. So the smart ones go whole hog or go home. The dumb ones, like me, tried to play the system and ended up all down side and precious little up. Finally I got to the point when I was taking the coke when they offered it and I decided it was time to get the fuck out of dodge while I still could."
"So I'm back in the East, down in Alexandria - except now I'm on my own and I'm working as a server. Failed actress turned waitress. Sad, sad, tale of woe right? Except that one day Darius walked in and we just clicked. No Harlequin romance of star-crossed lovers but we each had what the other desperately needed at that moment. Soon after Darius began a new job and that's how I met his employer, Mr Taylor. He came round one night and sat me down and we talked it through. Then he got me onto a program here to finish up my studies and qualify."
"Which is great but I'm collecting my qualification when I'm eight months pregnant. Darius and I had a good year or two together but six months of me seriously cracking the books hadn't left so much time for him. So..."
"Can I guess?" Dee interjected.
"Probably. Mr Taylor finds me a place over in the Foundation's development. Just the one building then and with a very newly reformed bad boy who was just starting work as security there. I took one look at him and - oh my! - but I suspect you'll understand that." The blue-grey eyes were on Dee again.
Dee shrugged her acknowledgment of the truth of that.
"The feeling was mutual I'm glad to say but it was six years before we got married. First of all I had young Jamal, Darius's son. Second of all, Shaka was very popular with all the girls over there. I guess you know why and even after Tish was born that made me one of several baby mommas he had over there. He was saying he wanted to marry me for years before he finally produced this."
She tapped her ring finger. "I ended up going up the aisle five months pregnant with Shandra, my second daughter with Shaka. Experience had shown that pregnancy and me didn't get along too well but that Shaka and pregnancy definitely did. So we agreed that I would make sure that didn't happen again."
This was the crux of it. Dee had to ask. "But Shaka..."
Linda smiled, a deliciously wicked grin. "By then I'd kind of been with him for years. Like I say Shaka was real popular over there. He's quietened down a lot since we got married. All four of his women were in this room today. Back then we might have needed Soldier Field to fit them all in! So, I was very well used to not being jealous. Besides, you've seen my man. He's magnificent. Be TOO selfish of me to keep him all to myself. As you may have noticed, Shaka really likes knowing a white girl has his baby in her belly. He always has and I hope and suspect he always will. I've done my bit in that department so..."
The blue-grey eyes darted across to Lisa and then returned to Dee's face. "You can just know how beautiful their child is going to be. Yours too. My husband has slowed down but that just means he is much more selective. I like the world to be filled with beauty and I love that we are all about unity and not division. So long as I and the children come first - and we always do - I'm happy. He's a loving husband and a great father - to ALL my children. Understand now?"
Izeye was examining his work, cleaning up the area on Lisa's neck where his needles had been busy.
"It's been a long road." Dee said meditatively
"Not nearly so long as you think. My father, the racial purist, had two kids with the maids back home that I know of. Which means there were probably others too. He was their employer - often their wage was all that stood between their whole families and poverty. So..." Linda gently nodded her head and slightly arched an eyebrow. "Back home they had a whole racial category for the children that resulted. Imagine that. Men are men and women are women. White men had their fun for centuries and when the boot comes on the other foot they want to whine and squawk about 'morality'. I know myself and Jo and soon Lisa are all getting much the better side of the deal than my Dad's maids ever did. Pretty simple for all those white boys out here. They want to keep their wives and sweethearts from going Black then they'd better man up and treat their women right. Otherwise, like your husband, they'll end up finding out their mistake the hard way."
Linda gave a last nod and then rose to meet Lisa as she walked across the room. Lisa was a little pale and had a gauze bandage on the back of her neck, half obscured by her hair, but otherwise seemed to have come through pretty well. Izeye knew his trade.
"About the other business..." Izeye nodded towards Dee.
The blue-grey eyes were on her again. It was her opportunity to show her commitment. "I'm not quite ready yet. My husband..."
She immediately saw the look in both Linda's and Lisa's eyes. Just for a moment but she would swear that she had seen it. The disappointment that she was not ready to join them, not ready to give her man his due tribute. The words stuck in her throat.
"Nobody needs do anything they ain't ready to do." Izeye's words were authoritative. "Meantimes I got to go pick up lunch for Georgia. My girl there is eating for two."
Home Is Where The Heart Is
A last check in the mirror before they headed out to church. The idea was that you made sure that you looked the part - the respectable suburban wife and mother-of-three. No need for anyone to be guessing what that certain lady had been getting up to only a few hours before. Dee half-suppressed her giggle. Just thinking about it...
Shaka had been awesome - or perhaps she had just been primed for the evening's events particularly well. Seeing Jo, hearing about Georgia, Lisa making her commitment. Her own conversation with Linda - and it wasn't only Shaka's little circle. She knew her old pupil Jessica was pregnant by her man Antwan. She hadn't seen Ann in a couple of weeks but it was obvious where that was going. Her husband's cuckold tendencies were likely to be tested to the limit.
Dee gave herself another check in profile this time. Saw her trim figure - a source of not exaggerated but well-deserved pride. After three children that took some effort and care. She knew her men appreciated it. Shaka, Odell, Bobo, Pops and more. She saw them looking at her and knew what they were thinking. Knew that they wanted to 'ruin' all her hard work - have her looking like young Jo had yesterday. A white woman carrying a Black man's baby. It had been a beautiful picture when Shaka had so gently laid his hand on her belly. Expressed his pride and claimed his ownership of her, his responsibility for the new life that would soon be coming into the world. Shaka would soon be doing the same for Lisa. And then...
"You OK Mom?"
Dee snapped back into the here and now. She saw the slight flush at her cheeks. Fortunately Sunday Church-going wear was enough in this season to hide the other signs. She smiled at her son as he looked at her. She had to be a little careful around him. Davey picked up on a lot. Perhaps he was smarter than his father or perhaps he just showed what he was thinking more.
Could David really be so blind to what was going on? She felt an entirely different person, an entirely new woman. It had to be obvious. Davey certainly seemed to be picking up on it and perhaps Maddie too. She had said one or two things in her innocent way. How could her husband not have noticed ... something. He just seemed to continue on in his usual blasé way.
She knew she should be grateful for the fact. It was avoiding the smash that otherwise surely would be coming. She wasn't angry with her husband, just frustrated. He wanted everything to be the same, to stay the same, for ever. Any change would be whined at and moaned about for a while. Until, of course, that became the new status quo. Except that there were surely things that even David couldn't help but notice and that even he wouldn't be able to fit into his crisis-free, decision-free, passion-free perfect world.
One of those things was what her man Shaka wanted. What she herself now knew that she desperately wanted. She couldn't help looking back into the mirror. Couldn't help imagining how she could look in a few months time. Her belly big with the growing baby of a real man, an alpha male, a Black man. Everyone who saw her would understand who she was, would have re-confirmed to them who Shaka was. His potency, his power, his presence. Perhaps another daughter, superficially different to Maddie and Leah, but she just knew in her heart that she would be just as beautiful and just as precious. Or would it be a son. Shaka's son. She couldn't help it - she felt herself shudder a little with excitement at the very idea.
She had to get a grip on herself. This was crazy. Suddenly she saw the intent little face of Maddie. Her eyes were fixed on Dee, her face thoughtful. Maddie definitely knew something was going on. Thank goodness she couldn't have any idea of what that 'something' was in detail. Dee gave her daughter a little smile and Maddie's face broke into a broad grin.
For Maddie all was well. Whatever was going on didn't need to be worried about. Her Mom was happy and that was all that mattered. It was a shame that you couldn't just apply that to all the rest of the family. But you couldn't. Leah was still young enough to adapt but Davey... David himself, of course, wouldn't be adopting the cuckold lifestyle any time soon. Not that Dee would have wanted him to. That might be OK for Ann but Dee wanted her men to be men.
"What's the delay - we'll be late." Well that was about as assertive as David got nowadays.
"Its Mommie - she's thunking again." Oh dear - out of the mouths of babes and sucklings. Maybe little Leah wasn't quite so unconscious to what was going on as Dee had assumed.
***
Church was pretty typical of her life in Ireton. It hadn't taken long since moving back to fit into the grooves of staid repetitive normality. Much the same little ritual every week, much the same people at every service. Much the same sermon too. The Reverend wasn't a bad speaker but she had heard his message many times before. At this church and at others like it. It was easy for the concentration to wander - especially if you had something really important on your mind.
Uh-oh. That was really very inappropriate! Almost as bad as last night. Shaka had been so good. Maybe it was because she might be missing out a little in the near future. Obviously when Lisa was fertile he would be reserving all his attention for her. That was how it had to be - Lisa had been ready to make the commitment. Dee understood that.
It still worried her. There would be other women - but that wasn't her fear. Shaka had been patient - other men had told her enough for her to realise that he had been unusually patient. She knew that such patience could be seen as weakness out there on the street. There were always other women and there were always young men on the rise, scenting opportunity. How long could Shaka afford to be patient with her? That flat tummy that she had been so proud of - wasn't it an insult to her man every time he saw it. Combined with his jewellery didn't it signal to every ambitious young Black man that the old alpha just might be going soft?
Could Shaka be patient much longer? After he had cum in her last night she had felt that rush, that euphoria of being one of his women. Then she had suddenly had a terrible fear of waking up. Of finding herself in bed next to David, hearing his snores and realising that this had all been a fantasy. A longer and more detailed version of those first dreams about Cassius. A futile mental spasm against the banality and tedium of her suburban life. She couldn't go back to how she had been. She couldn't submerge her true self back behind that bland conventional mask. She couldn't settle for David any more.
What had Shaka said? About how living a double life could only last so long. Sooner or later one would be discovered by the other or would start to creep into the other. He was right but the process was subtle. Once when she'd put on Shaka's jewellery she had felt she was playing a part. Now she knew that she was really having to disguise her true self when she took that jewellery off. The woman with Shaka was the real deal, the real Dee. The woman with David was a fraud, a sham. Nothing here was genuine except for her total love for her children. Just that one genuine aspect of the Ireton Dee - but it was that one genuine aspect that made everything so difficult, so complicated, so dangerous.
The service was over. The usual small-talk. Wasn't young Leah growing fast? How were such-and-such's parents? Davey and Maddie with their young friends - aching to get out of their Sunday best and go play. David being the model of sober respectable responsibility. She could have written most of his conversations out before they came here.
It had never struck her until she had been with Shaka for some time just how White this church was. She supposed you just didn't notice who wasn't here. Not just African-Americans but Hispanics too. Well if you didn't count Bonifacio and his family. However, he was a city security officerman so perhaps he counted as 'blue' rather than 'brown'. They were safe - just enough to supposedly prove that there wasn't anything 'excluding' about this congregation.
Presumably that explained Bill too. He never came to the services but he was always on hand to set things up and to tidy the church afterwards. If some of the congregation looked askance at non-White faces they didn't seem to object to an African-American sweeping up after them. Perhaps they didn't even notice that he was Black anymore - he was more part of the furniture.
Dee didn't blame them. She couldn't ever claim to have really taken notice of Bill either. He must have been 50, only a few inches taller than Dee herself and a little on the chubby side. He had been there a long time apparently. Since the Reverend Chattaway had needed a renovation grant and had reckoned that a little diversity was in order. Dee couldn't remember ever talking to him or seeing anyone else in the congregation talk to him outside of a bland greeting or farewell. Presumably the Reverend did when he paid him. Presumably.
Dee looked a little more carefully. Bill was in the classic pose of the worker waiting for a chance to do his job. His hands were folded on his broom as he waited for the congregation to move out of the building. As areas came clear he swept them and adjusted the furniture. His bucket was sat just outside his little cubby-hole ready to mop the floor once everyone was gone.
He might as well have been invisible to every one else there. He had been invisible to Dee until today. Perhaps it was the service running a little late or perhaps Bill had something he needed to get to. Usually he would be arriving as they were leaving. Today there had been a little over-lap.
Bill might have been invisible to the congregation but Dee was increasingly certain that some of the latter were anything but invisible to Bill. He was very careful about it, very subtle, but Dee had been around Black men a lot now, in the clubs and out with Shaka. She knew the signs. Bill's glance kept going back to one thing. Her fellow parishioner Cassie Underwood shared just one thing with Bill - a certain broadness in the beam - and Bill surely did seem to appreciate it, in one department at least.
Dee stifled a smile. Cassie's 'booty' seemed to have poor Bill mesmerized. He just couldn't help sneaking another subtle little peak. If you weren't looking for it there was no way you would ever suspect. Certainly Cassie wouldn't have any idea she was the object of Bill's desires. Dee almost had to bite her lip at the idea of how Cassie would react. A heart attack on the spot probably.
Dee was stood with David and the Emersons. The Reverend was behind her. Her position suddenly struck her. Also the fact that Cassie was so ignorant of Bill's admiration. Was she the only one?
She knew that it was foolish but then she remembered Shaka's words. "Sooner or later the real you is gonna make itself felt - here and over there. You know it. It's how it happens. On your terms or..."
She knew what he meant. She could wait for the hammer to drop, living in fear, or she could assert her own will. Meet any problems headed down the pike and be ready for them. The boundaries between her two existences were stark now, too stark. They needed to be blurred.
She smiled at Amanda Emerson. "I'm just going to check on Leah." Amanda gave her a little room to pass by. Dee knew Leah was alright but she went near enough for show without impinging on her youngest and her very intent play. More important, there was a big space behind her now. Time to see if all that gym work really did make a difference.
She couldn't watch him - just take an occasional careful glimpse. Well there was a surprise. It seemed the area directly behind Dee was particularly in need of being swept! Dee felt her heart beating faster. Oh this was ridiculous! Bill was no alpha male, no gorgeous hunk like Shaka or Odell, no virile young bull like Pops and his friends. But her heart wasn't lying. It was pounding in her chest, her nipples were hard against her bra, she knew the blush had to be on her cheeks and the sparkle in her eyes. She had to be sure. She eased her head round and saw Bill intently brushing the floor behind her. He wouldn't have lasted long here if he could be caught as easy as that. She turned back and was as certain as taxes that Bill's eyes were back fixed on the curve of her rear.
Perhaps she SHOULD check on Leah. She bent at the waist to lean forward and, supposedly, see what her little girl was getting up to. She suspected that would have got his attention. It wasn't a concious thought or decision that determined what happened next. It was pure instinct. It was her natural response nowadays to being admired by a Black man. She very gently and very subtly shook her ass. Just the once - but once was enough. She heard a little sound behind her and recognised it immediately. The little thud of a brush hitting the floor a little too hard, a misjudged stroke. Almost as if something had distracted Bill, taken his attention off his supposed job at hand.
Contd.....
"When he died my mother and little brother went back home - she had family there and it was clear that things hadn't worked out quite how Dad had predicted. Not perfect but where is? I was in college in Fresno but that didn't turn me. I'd seen enough back home to know that Dad, who I loved dearly, could talk a lot of BS. I'd seen plenty of them - obsessed by the superiority of their race because they had fuck all else going for them. Flashing their fat wallets because they weren't ever getting any unless they paid for it. Not that there didn't turn out to be plenty of that sort over here too."
"So I'm a year off finishing my course when this agent contacted me. Said I had 'the right look', said I could make it big in Hollywood. Turned my head, got me to junk my studies. Which was all fine except for the fact that I couldn't act for shit. You don't need me to tell you. A LOT of pretty girls out there and a LOT of sharks. My agent included. So the smart ones go whole hog or go home. The dumb ones, like me, tried to play the system and ended up all down side and precious little up. Finally I got to the point when I was taking the coke when they offered it and I decided it was time to get the fuck out of dodge while I still could."
"So I'm back in the East, down in Alexandria - except now I'm on my own and I'm working as a server. Failed actress turned waitress. Sad, sad, tale of woe right? Except that one day Darius walked in and we just clicked. No Harlequin romance of star-crossed lovers but we each had what the other desperately needed at that moment. Soon after Darius began a new job and that's how I met his employer, Mr Taylor. He came round one night and sat me down and we talked it through. Then he got me onto a program here to finish up my studies and qualify."
"Which is great but I'm collecting my qualification when I'm eight months pregnant. Darius and I had a good year or two together but six months of me seriously cracking the books hadn't left so much time for him. So..."
"Can I guess?" Dee interjected.
"Probably. Mr Taylor finds me a place over in the Foundation's development. Just the one building then and with a very newly reformed bad boy who was just starting work as security there. I took one look at him and - oh my! - but I suspect you'll understand that." The blue-grey eyes were on Dee again.
Dee shrugged her acknowledgment of the truth of that.
"The feeling was mutual I'm glad to say but it was six years before we got married. First of all I had young Jamal, Darius's son. Second of all, Shaka was very popular with all the girls over there. I guess you know why and even after Tish was born that made me one of several baby mommas he had over there. He was saying he wanted to marry me for years before he finally produced this."
She tapped her ring finger. "I ended up going up the aisle five months pregnant with Shandra, my second daughter with Shaka. Experience had shown that pregnancy and me didn't get along too well but that Shaka and pregnancy definitely did. So we agreed that I would make sure that didn't happen again."
This was the crux of it. Dee had to ask. "But Shaka..."
Linda smiled, a deliciously wicked grin. "By then I'd kind of been with him for years. Like I say Shaka was real popular over there. He's quietened down a lot since we got married. All four of his women were in this room today. Back then we might have needed Soldier Field to fit them all in! So, I was very well used to not being jealous. Besides, you've seen my man. He's magnificent. Be TOO selfish of me to keep him all to myself. As you may have noticed, Shaka really likes knowing a white girl has his baby in her belly. He always has and I hope and suspect he always will. I've done my bit in that department so..."
The blue-grey eyes darted across to Lisa and then returned to Dee's face. "You can just know how beautiful their child is going to be. Yours too. My husband has slowed down but that just means he is much more selective. I like the world to be filled with beauty and I love that we are all about unity and not division. So long as I and the children come first - and we always do - I'm happy. He's a loving husband and a great father - to ALL my children. Understand now?"
Izeye was examining his work, cleaning up the area on Lisa's neck where his needles had been busy.
"It's been a long road." Dee said meditatively
"Not nearly so long as you think. My father, the racial purist, had two kids with the maids back home that I know of. Which means there were probably others too. He was their employer - often their wage was all that stood between their whole families and poverty. So..." Linda gently nodded her head and slightly arched an eyebrow. "Back home they had a whole racial category for the children that resulted. Imagine that. Men are men and women are women. White men had their fun for centuries and when the boot comes on the other foot they want to whine and squawk about 'morality'. I know myself and Jo and soon Lisa are all getting much the better side of the deal than my Dad's maids ever did. Pretty simple for all those white boys out here. They want to keep their wives and sweethearts from going Black then they'd better man up and treat their women right. Otherwise, like your husband, they'll end up finding out their mistake the hard way."
Linda gave a last nod and then rose to meet Lisa as she walked across the room. Lisa was a little pale and had a gauze bandage on the back of her neck, half obscured by her hair, but otherwise seemed to have come through pretty well. Izeye knew his trade.
"About the other business..." Izeye nodded towards Dee.
The blue-grey eyes were on her again. It was her opportunity to show her commitment. "I'm not quite ready yet. My husband..."
She immediately saw the look in both Linda's and Lisa's eyes. Just for a moment but she would swear that she had seen it. The disappointment that she was not ready to join them, not ready to give her man his due tribute. The words stuck in her throat.
"Nobody needs do anything they ain't ready to do." Izeye's words were authoritative. "Meantimes I got to go pick up lunch for Georgia. My girl there is eating for two."
Home Is Where The Heart Is
A last check in the mirror before they headed out to church. The idea was that you made sure that you looked the part - the respectable suburban wife and mother-of-three. No need for anyone to be guessing what that certain lady had been getting up to only a few hours before. Dee half-suppressed her giggle. Just thinking about it...
Shaka had been awesome - or perhaps she had just been primed for the evening's events particularly well. Seeing Jo, hearing about Georgia, Lisa making her commitment. Her own conversation with Linda - and it wasn't only Shaka's little circle. She knew her old pupil Jessica was pregnant by her man Antwan. She hadn't seen Ann in a couple of weeks but it was obvious where that was going. Her husband's cuckold tendencies were likely to be tested to the limit.
Dee gave herself another check in profile this time. Saw her trim figure - a source of not exaggerated but well-deserved pride. After three children that took some effort and care. She knew her men appreciated it. Shaka, Odell, Bobo, Pops and more. She saw them looking at her and knew what they were thinking. Knew that they wanted to 'ruin' all her hard work - have her looking like young Jo had yesterday. A white woman carrying a Black man's baby. It had been a beautiful picture when Shaka had so gently laid his hand on her belly. Expressed his pride and claimed his ownership of her, his responsibility for the new life that would soon be coming into the world. Shaka would soon be doing the same for Lisa. And then...
"You OK Mom?"
Dee snapped back into the here and now. She saw the slight flush at her cheeks. Fortunately Sunday Church-going wear was enough in this season to hide the other signs. She smiled at her son as he looked at her. She had to be a little careful around him. Davey picked up on a lot. Perhaps he was smarter than his father or perhaps he just showed what he was thinking more.
Could David really be so blind to what was going on? She felt an entirely different person, an entirely new woman. It had to be obvious. Davey certainly seemed to be picking up on it and perhaps Maddie too. She had said one or two things in her innocent way. How could her husband not have noticed ... something. He just seemed to continue on in his usual blasé way.
She knew she should be grateful for the fact. It was avoiding the smash that otherwise surely would be coming. She wasn't angry with her husband, just frustrated. He wanted everything to be the same, to stay the same, for ever. Any change would be whined at and moaned about for a while. Until, of course, that became the new status quo. Except that there were surely things that even David couldn't help but notice and that even he wouldn't be able to fit into his crisis-free, decision-free, passion-free perfect world.
One of those things was what her man Shaka wanted. What she herself now knew that she desperately wanted. She couldn't help looking back into the mirror. Couldn't help imagining how she could look in a few months time. Her belly big with the growing baby of a real man, an alpha male, a Black man. Everyone who saw her would understand who she was, would have re-confirmed to them who Shaka was. His potency, his power, his presence. Perhaps another daughter, superficially different to Maddie and Leah, but she just knew in her heart that she would be just as beautiful and just as precious. Or would it be a son. Shaka's son. She couldn't help it - she felt herself shudder a little with excitement at the very idea.
She had to get a grip on herself. This was crazy. Suddenly she saw the intent little face of Maddie. Her eyes were fixed on Dee, her face thoughtful. Maddie definitely knew something was going on. Thank goodness she couldn't have any idea of what that 'something' was in detail. Dee gave her daughter a little smile and Maddie's face broke into a broad grin.
For Maddie all was well. Whatever was going on didn't need to be worried about. Her Mom was happy and that was all that mattered. It was a shame that you couldn't just apply that to all the rest of the family. But you couldn't. Leah was still young enough to adapt but Davey... David himself, of course, wouldn't be adopting the cuckold lifestyle any time soon. Not that Dee would have wanted him to. That might be OK for Ann but Dee wanted her men to be men.
"What's the delay - we'll be late." Well that was about as assertive as David got nowadays.
"Its Mommie - she's thunking again." Oh dear - out of the mouths of babes and sucklings. Maybe little Leah wasn't quite so unconscious to what was going on as Dee had assumed.
***
Church was pretty typical of her life in Ireton. It hadn't taken long since moving back to fit into the grooves of staid repetitive normality. Much the same little ritual every week, much the same people at every service. Much the same sermon too. The Reverend wasn't a bad speaker but she had heard his message many times before. At this church and at others like it. It was easy for the concentration to wander - especially if you had something really important on your mind.
Uh-oh. That was really very inappropriate! Almost as bad as last night. Shaka had been so good. Maybe it was because she might be missing out a little in the near future. Obviously when Lisa was fertile he would be reserving all his attention for her. That was how it had to be - Lisa had been ready to make the commitment. Dee understood that.
It still worried her. There would be other women - but that wasn't her fear. Shaka had been patient - other men had told her enough for her to realise that he had been unusually patient. She knew that such patience could be seen as weakness out there on the street. There were always other women and there were always young men on the rise, scenting opportunity. How long could Shaka afford to be patient with her? That flat tummy that she had been so proud of - wasn't it an insult to her man every time he saw it. Combined with his jewellery didn't it signal to every ambitious young Black man that the old alpha just might be going soft?
Could Shaka be patient much longer? After he had cum in her last night she had felt that rush, that euphoria of being one of his women. Then she had suddenly had a terrible fear of waking up. Of finding herself in bed next to David, hearing his snores and realising that this had all been a fantasy. A longer and more detailed version of those first dreams about Cassius. A futile mental spasm against the banality and tedium of her suburban life. She couldn't go back to how she had been. She couldn't submerge her true self back behind that bland conventional mask. She couldn't settle for David any more.
What had Shaka said? About how living a double life could only last so long. Sooner or later one would be discovered by the other or would start to creep into the other. He was right but the process was subtle. Once when she'd put on Shaka's jewellery she had felt she was playing a part. Now she knew that she was really having to disguise her true self when she took that jewellery off. The woman with Shaka was the real deal, the real Dee. The woman with David was a fraud, a sham. Nothing here was genuine except for her total love for her children. Just that one genuine aspect of the Ireton Dee - but it was that one genuine aspect that made everything so difficult, so complicated, so dangerous.
The service was over. The usual small-talk. Wasn't young Leah growing fast? How were such-and-such's parents? Davey and Maddie with their young friends - aching to get out of their Sunday best and go play. David being the model of sober respectable responsibility. She could have written most of his conversations out before they came here.
It had never struck her until she had been with Shaka for some time just how White this church was. She supposed you just didn't notice who wasn't here. Not just African-Americans but Hispanics too. Well if you didn't count Bonifacio and his family. However, he was a city security officerman so perhaps he counted as 'blue' rather than 'brown'. They were safe - just enough to supposedly prove that there wasn't anything 'excluding' about this congregation.
Presumably that explained Bill too. He never came to the services but he was always on hand to set things up and to tidy the church afterwards. If some of the congregation looked askance at non-White faces they didn't seem to object to an African-American sweeping up after them. Perhaps they didn't even notice that he was Black anymore - he was more part of the furniture.
Dee didn't blame them. She couldn't ever claim to have really taken notice of Bill either. He must have been 50, only a few inches taller than Dee herself and a little on the chubby side. He had been there a long time apparently. Since the Reverend Chattaway had needed a renovation grant and had reckoned that a little diversity was in order. Dee couldn't remember ever talking to him or seeing anyone else in the congregation talk to him outside of a bland greeting or farewell. Presumably the Reverend did when he paid him. Presumably.
Dee looked a little more carefully. Bill was in the classic pose of the worker waiting for a chance to do his job. His hands were folded on his broom as he waited for the congregation to move out of the building. As areas came clear he swept them and adjusted the furniture. His bucket was sat just outside his little cubby-hole ready to mop the floor once everyone was gone.
He might as well have been invisible to every one else there. He had been invisible to Dee until today. Perhaps it was the service running a little late or perhaps Bill had something he needed to get to. Usually he would be arriving as they were leaving. Today there had been a little over-lap.
Bill might have been invisible to the congregation but Dee was increasingly certain that some of the latter were anything but invisible to Bill. He was very careful about it, very subtle, but Dee had been around Black men a lot now, in the clubs and out with Shaka. She knew the signs. Bill's glance kept going back to one thing. Her fellow parishioner Cassie Underwood shared just one thing with Bill - a certain broadness in the beam - and Bill surely did seem to appreciate it, in one department at least.
Dee stifled a smile. Cassie's 'booty' seemed to have poor Bill mesmerized. He just couldn't help sneaking another subtle little peak. If you weren't looking for it there was no way you would ever suspect. Certainly Cassie wouldn't have any idea she was the object of Bill's desires. Dee almost had to bite her lip at the idea of how Cassie would react. A heart attack on the spot probably.
Dee was stood with David and the Emersons. The Reverend was behind her. Her position suddenly struck her. Also the fact that Cassie was so ignorant of Bill's admiration. Was she the only one?
She knew that it was foolish but then she remembered Shaka's words. "Sooner or later the real you is gonna make itself felt - here and over there. You know it. It's how it happens. On your terms or..."
She knew what he meant. She could wait for the hammer to drop, living in fear, or she could assert her own will. Meet any problems headed down the pike and be ready for them. The boundaries between her two existences were stark now, too stark. They needed to be blurred.
She smiled at Amanda Emerson. "I'm just going to check on Leah." Amanda gave her a little room to pass by. Dee knew Leah was alright but she went near enough for show without impinging on her youngest and her very intent play. More important, there was a big space behind her now. Time to see if all that gym work really did make a difference.
She couldn't watch him - just take an occasional careful glimpse. Well there was a surprise. It seemed the area directly behind Dee was particularly in need of being swept! Dee felt her heart beating faster. Oh this was ridiculous! Bill was no alpha male, no gorgeous hunk like Shaka or Odell, no virile young bull like Pops and his friends. But her heart wasn't lying. It was pounding in her chest, her nipples were hard against her bra, she knew the blush had to be on her cheeks and the sparkle in her eyes. She had to be sure. She eased her head round and saw Bill intently brushing the floor behind her. He wouldn't have lasted long here if he could be caught as easy as that. She turned back and was as certain as taxes that Bill's eyes were back fixed on the curve of her rear.
Perhaps she SHOULD check on Leah. She bent at the waist to lean forward and, supposedly, see what her little girl was getting up to. She suspected that would have got his attention. It wasn't a concious thought or decision that determined what happened next. It was pure instinct. It was her natural response nowadays to being admired by a Black man. She very gently and very subtly shook her ass. Just the once - but once was enough. She heard a little sound behind her and recognised it immediately. The little thud of a brush hitting the floor a little too hard, a misjudged stroke. Almost as if something had distracted Bill, taken his attention off his supposed job at hand.
Contd.....
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