13-10-2020, 06:58 AM
28.1
Kavita:
Gowri and I were in bedroom. Morning she hinted me about her intention. She was looking for one to one discussion with me. She appeared to be very serious. Presently we were face to face sitting on bed. I anxiously waited for her to start.
“Didi, I need your opinion and suggestion”, Gowri was serious.
“What is bothering so much to my little sister”, I mocked her.
“No Didi, be serious. I need your honest opinion. “Promise you will keep it within you.”
I sensed seriousness in her voice. She visibly appeared to be disturbed a lot. I assured her, “I promise. Now open up.”
After a longer pause she asked, “What is your opinion about Prem?”
“What sort of question is it Gowri? He is your boyfriend. You are shortly getting married. Are you disturbed with my relationship with Perm? You know very well I don’t share any attachment with him. It’s only a show off.”
“No Didi. It’s not what you are thinking. It’s something else…….” She was hesitating.
“Then do you apprehend some attachment from Prem’s side.”
“No Didi. I am confident of no harm from your side. I am worried about his attitude. He is selfish and cruel. I am worried about his behavior. ”
“What’s wrong with his behavior?” I was curious.
“I am apprehensive.” Gowri further elaborated. “He does not know how to respect others. He believes in brute force.”
“He is a physically strong man. He ensures respect with his strong physique.” I tried to defend Prem.
“I disagree with you.” Gowri pondered further. “Respect is mutual. You respect others to win back respect. It cannot be forced.”
“So you contemplate, you don’t respect him.”
“I don’t consider him a MAN enough worth to be respected.”
“What a MAN is in your opinion?
Gowri smiled, “A MAN should not be limited only in physical strength and sexual power. Kindness, caring, listening, sense of humor, shared interests and values are more important. He should be functional, emotional, interpersonal and intellectual. First of all, he should be a human.”
“Which way Prem is lacking with those qualities?”
“No complain on physical strength and sexual power qualities. In functional front I don’t think he will be earning enough to keep his family comfortable. In emotional front also I find him abysmal. Interpersonal relationship is all for adjustment and leadership. Leadership is not about being leader. Rather it emphasizes about qualities of a leader like courage, patience, respect to others, decision making, sacrifice, accountability, responsibility etc. I struggle to fit him in anywhere of above. Education and the acquisition of knowledge are viewed as important factors of intellectuality rather than emotion & intuition. Utilization of reason and logic is vital than becoming stereotype. Education without wisdom is worthless. “
“So you consider first two qualities are not worth of much significance in a MAN.”
Gowri smiled, “You mean physical strength and sexual power. They have limited significance in modern community life.”
She continued expanding her logic in systematic manner.
“Firstly, both are raw and to some extent hereditary. The African Negros will definitely have better physical and sexual power compared to Prem.”
“Secondly, both are temporary and fragile. A simple disease or accident can easily destroy them permanently.”
“Thirdly, physical and sexual power diminishes with age.”
“And the last one, it can be easily substituted.”
“I don’t deny requirement of physical satisfaction. I like to emphasize that sexual power should not take precedence while selecting a partner. Other qualities are more significant. “
Gowri pondered further, “Moreover, how much sex can you enjoy per day. Say 30 to 40 minutes. Even if we consider 6 days per week, which is very uncommon, it translates to 4 hours per week. Sleeping, say 8 hours per day make it 56 hours. Outside job related activities will consume 10 hours per day for 6 days totaling to 60 hours. All above three will add to 120 hours per week. So, for balance 48 hours per week I need to be emotionally attached with my partner sharing all other activities. In time frame, physical attachment vs. emotional attachment is 4 to 48. More than 90% of time we will spend together has emotional quotient. As we grow old and start family, this will further increase. “
Gowri completed her reasoning, “I can’t fit Prem in this space. This is one of the area I am worried most.”
I frowned at her, “You both are friends for some time. You both shared emotional attachment and ultimately decided to get married off. Did not you notice all these earlier? ” I was surprised.
Gowri fixed her eyes on me for few moments and then took it away. She pronounced with an air of authority, “You know the difference between a boyfriend and a husband better than me. Everything has its own place of demarcation.” Gowri concluded.
She was right. Everything had its own place of demarcation. You should respect boundary not to violate it. At the most you may stretch the boundary up to its elastic limit. Did I cross the limit? I looked straight to the kitchen. Manu was busy to fix the plates on dining table for the guests. My guests were forced upon him. From distance I could not read his face. From distance he appeared sincere and serious. I know, presently his mind was hovering over my belly ring pendant. I had seen bewilderment in his eyes since he discovered my pendant. He lacked confidence for which I mostly responsible. He was worried about my eloping with Prem. What he did not know that I would never desert him. Effectively, in all practical terms, Prem had taken charge of this house. The demarcation of guest had lost. I had been transformed internally, even without realizing how it happened. Suddenly I was blown by a reverse thought of Manu deserting me. A cold wave swept through my spinal cord. I shivered internally.
“Didi, you have lost in your mind” I woke up from my trance.
I quickly tried to regain my tranquility, “Yeah! I was trying to rationalize your beautiful statement, ‘Everything has its own place of demarcation. ’you were telling about your realization.”I reminded her to divert her attention.
Gowri took a long time to answer. “I knew he is sex maniac and selfish. I was confident I will be able to transform him to amend above qualities. Only a few days back, I discovered his cruelty. I could not find any morality in his character. He is not dependable or to be trusted. I am tensed. It appears I am taking a very wrong decision of my life. What is your opinion Didi?”
I was speechless for some time, “Why don’t you ask same to yourself? Your conscious mind should never betray you.”
Gowri kept looking at my face for quite some time, smiled, “I got your answer Didi, Thank you.”
“How come you never opened your mind earlier? You are dating him for three years. From the very beginning you knew Prem is arrogant, selfish, self centered and emotionless. You decided on marriage after weighing every aspect, I suppose. What triggered you to think so late in this direction?” I could not hide my queries.
Gowri lowered her head. As if she was struggling to answer. Finally she lifted her head. “Didi, do you remember, first time I visited your house. Next Monday Prem behaved unruly with Manu. Prem physically assaulted him. I am responsible for everything. Even you also did never mention about it.”
The revelation by Gowri was a blatant blow to my belief. I had always considered her to be ignorant of under current activities. My reaction was spontaneous, “How do you know about it? Did Manu contact you again?” I was curious.
She sighed pensively. Her eyes filled in tears. “No Didi. Manu never contacted me. On last Monday night, I came to know about it from Prem. It took time for me to digest. I was not able to resolve the issues. I had to take a call on Prem before my visit to Chennai, you know. After spending two agonizing days and nights, finally I consulted specialist yesterday. She opened my eyes. She helped me to resolve the issues. “
After a pregnant pause she continued. “Suspicion was growing within me for some time. Last Monday I trapped Prem. I lured him for drinks party. He was starving for sex with me. He accepted my proposal. After three pegs, I blackmailed him.”
“I was almost phoning Manu, when Prem accepted his dubious dealings to put Manu in his place, though he did not reveal details in the beginning. I think he got scared on the prospect of me contacting Manu again. Eventually, he ended up describing how he had to resort to applying his brutal force to stop Manu’s pervert advancement on immediate Monday, I first time visited your house. He slapped Manu unabated till he accepted his mistake of contacting me and sought forgiveness. Prem was rejoicing over his achievement. His false ego was making me sick. He is an emotionless barbarian as proved from his attitude and behavior with your husband. I was feeling nervous. Didi, you should have informed me about this.“Gowri accused me for not informing her.
I tried to reason with her. With an air of benevolence I informed, “I could not Gowri. How could I do that? You were in love with Prem. You were due to tie the knot. I could have been misjudged considering it as jealousy. I had to absolve everything.”
Gowri painfully confessed, “It’s me who is responsible for all this. I have made blunders. That day Prem was talking to Manu. He handed over the phone for a brief period. Manu wanted to discuss something with me in private. Prem abruptly snatched the phone from me and threatened Manu of dire consequences for contacting me without his permission. I felt bad on Prem’s claim about myself; his bitch. I was aware of his possessiveness. I considered it as an expression of his attachment. To my query, Prem projected Manu as a sissy cuckold. I had knowledge of Bi-polar syndrome of Manu. I thought it could be some deviation of Bi-polar. I allowed the incident to drift away from my mind. I could have contacted Manu to find out his intentions of contacting me. I remained silent. I was swept away with excitement of new sexual experiments. I never imagined his cruelty can be so horrific.”
“When the truth revealed, I got literally scared. The incident forced me to rethink my acceptance. Every incidence involving Prem resurfaced in my memory. He is a liar and cheater. I am nothing but a sex toy, a bitch for him. Am I really ready for this kind of relationship? Just for contacting me, he physically assaulted Manu brutally. After marriage, he will murder the persons whoever talks to me. Even he may kill me also for talking to outsiders. I revisited my memory again and again. The more I thought, the more I felt compelled to snap our relationship.”
She took a deep breath continue, “I remembered the initial days of our relationship. He was a handsome guy with charismatic psychics. He behaved very nicely. He was never rude. He was ready to do everything to please me. Slowly I grew weakness for him. He took me around places. We spent a lot of time together. He never even touched me. I fell in love with him. Then one day he proposed me. Though I also started liking him, I was cautious. The differences between us were enormous. The difference was in culture and religion. Even food habits were different. An acceptance by my family was never possible. I knew, I was risking my life but I was blind in infatuation. Prem told me, he had no girlfriends. He promised me of not taking another wife in lifetime. I wanted to believe him. I believed him. I was obsessed. I misconstrued my obsession as my love. After a lot of hesitation, I accepted his proposal.”
Gowri lowered her face down, “Earlier I was staying in PG accommodation meant for working women. Only six months back I had shifted to a rented accommodation sharing a flat jointly with another working woman. I had first sex with him just two months ago when my mate went to her native. Prem took the opportunity to take my virginity. I also wanted to give my everything to him. I loved him. Then it repeated next week utilizing the opportunity of my mate’s long visit to her native. I did not enjoy sex as it was painful. I apprehended it as my shortcomings & lack of experience and expected to overcome with time. The excitement of a handsome man, my man entering me, pleasuring me was too tempting. The mere thinking that my man was mad on my body was enough to excite me. I felt satisfied that my man was satisfied over my figure and my assets. Our session had a crumbling stop when my mate returned after two days with her relative. Joining of her relative with us helped in sharing expenditure, at the same time ruled out any prospect of our future union. I was frustrated missing physical intimacy with him. I was not comfortable to go to any hotel in Bangalore. All along I had refused to go to a hotel. I was afraid of getting caught and defamed. I could not bring him to my apartment as I was sharing with two girls.”
I got answer of my long pending query. Many a times I indirectly asked Prem to resolve the sheer coincidence of his arrival on that Friday, leaving Gowri, perplexed my mind long. Always he maintained that he knew telepathy and could read my mind in advance.
Gowri resumed after a short break, “I was always curious on his stay with you for such long period from the very beginning. I was told that it was an arrangement to help you in medical process. He always avoided my proposal to meet you citing reasons for your embarrassment. I was in love with him. I believed him. Then one day he was forced to introduce me with you, when we accidentally met at mall. Manu was not with you. Prem introduced me with you as his college buddy and present host. That day I sensed some uneasiness between you and Prem. I suspected your relationship with Prem. I observed tattoo on your back midriff with heart symbol and A A inscribed. It was a bit odd placement of tattoo for an Indian woman in India. I considered A A symbolizes for Amir Ali. I felt zealous and insecure. You clarified it differently. I did not believe you totally. My suspicion grew. You invited me over weekends. I readily accepted considering it an opportunity to asses ground reality. I was also looking for physical intimacy. Prem intervened and informed about the planned visit to the mall next day with your husband. I could meet with your husband in the mall itself. First time my suspicion grew on Prem over his intentions. He always projected that you would not be comfortable meeting me leaving aside a visit to your house. Clearly he was lying. You proved him wrong. I decided to meet your husband in your house only.”
My surprise question followed, “Hold on Gowri. What actually Prem projected about me?”
Gowri’s uneasiness was evident in her voice. “Prem was visiting Bangalore for last three years. So, when he decided to stay in your house, I was curious. He projected you as a victim of your husband’s unnatural, sadistic behavior. He projected Manu as suffering from Bi-polar syndrome and sometimes he goes out of control. He was staying with you for providing medical help to your husband. He categorically rejected my proposal of meeting you considering it would be humiliation for you. Even he rejected my proposals to visit hospital where Manu was being treated citing same reasons. I thought Prem was right. Any woman would be devastated if her husband happened to be mentally ill with Bo-polar disease! I felt pity on you! I am sorry Didi!” Her voice stifled to a sudden halt.
It was a total surprise for me. Prem manipulated Gowri from day one of his visit or may be even before that. What he projected to me was all wrong. Purposefully he schemed behind me without my knowledge. Presently, I had to play defensive, “It’s OK Gowri. I understand. You were talking about your first visit.”
Gowri tried to smile at me forcefully. “Yeah Didi, In spite of your invitation, initially, Prem declined my visit to your house. I avoided all contacts with Prem. I think, he got frustrated over my persistent denying. Finally, Prem relented to my continuous insistence and I landed here over weekend three weeks back for the first time. You maintained sober distance from Prem, however I noticed undercurrent of your relationship with him. During outing, I had seen him touching you inappropriately at your discomfiture. I also witnessed his rough sexual behavior. He was huge. Earlier, during sex, he was sober and caring. On Friday night, he was rough during sex. His full length powerful thrusting put me gasping. Rough mauling was added to that. I managed to suppress my wailing to some extent on Friday night. I presumed his roughness as expression of excitement out of sexual starvation. On Saturday night, he almost raaped me. He entered me from behind forcing me on fours right here, on this bed. Unable to control his onslaught, I wailed in pain, may be audible from outside. You may have heard my scream. We had to cancel our planned outing, as I was reeling under pain in my genitals. On both days, I did not enjoy sex. He did not care on my request. He was mad in fulfilling his carnal pleasure. He continued his onslaught till he was spent. Sunday night, I refused him. Since then, I am not in any king of physical relationship with him. Presently, I doubt, he physically tortured me purposefully.”
Gowri hesitated before continuing. “Didi, Can you throw some light on Prem’s past life?”
In surprising note I asked, “Can you be specific Gowri? Exactly what do you want to know?”
“His girlfriends, sex life etc.”Gowri lowered her face to look away from me.”His relationship -----” She did not complete her question.
Guardedly I answered, “How does it matter to you now, Gowri? You have already taken a decision. Isn’t it? You could have asked me earlier.”
“I wanted. I could not master enough courage to embarrass self. I prioritized on our friendship to grow. Moreover I believed Prem. We were already in physical relationship. In spite of his rough sexuality, I loved him.”
“You could have asked Prem.” I put the question back to Gowri.
With an air of discomfort Gowri expressed, “I did. He always declined of having any past girl friends. Seeing him touching you inappropriately, suspicion grew in my mind. Manu’s valiant try to contact me added fuel in my suspicion. I was deeply disturbed on my relationship with Prem. I charged him of adultery and voiced my apprehensions about his dubious, conjured relationship. Prem was prompt and apt at explanations. He portrayed Manu as cuckold, a specific type psychological patient and Manu seems enjoys humiliation. He portrayed you as a victim of Manu’s pervert fantasy. He was helping Manu to recover as advised by doctor and whatever he was doing was on behest of you. This necessitated for him to stay at your home for long period. I could not believe him on his face value. After all I had seen Manu a sober gentleman few days back! I decided to check for myself.”
Gowri continued after a pause, “I made my second visit. Prior to my visit, Prem informed that, Manu fantasized seeing us all three in bed. He had already compelled you to shift to Prem’s room. His cuckoldry symptoms had grown to new dimensions. However, there was nothing to worry much. Doctors were confident that it would subside in due course. This type of sudden surge was absolutely normal for psychological patients and would get cured subsequently. I observed Manu in sissy dressing and you in seductive dress. The total environment was an indication of his cuckoldry. I started believing Prem. We acted as guided by Prem. Next day morning you made Manu serve coffee in bed. Afterwards, he was asked to do laundry while we went out for outing. Prem maintained physical distance from you, as long as Manu was not present. Your dress was not that sober. Manu did not object. I accepted Prem’s theory, Manu was a cuckold. In the night Manu was caught eavesdropping in our bedroom. Next day morning also, Manu did serve coffee again in our bed. His cuckoldry cemented in my memory.”
I kept listening to Gowri dumbfounded not able to react anything. She was proving me wrong with her revelations. Prem had manipulated Gowri aptly. I had some idea but not so much details. My immediate realization was Gowri was not that idiot Prem had anticipated.
Gowri hesitated before continuing, “I did observe your attitude towards Manu. Saturday morning, I observed you kissing Manu in the kitchen. I stealthily witnessed you arranging Manu’s dress while he was in bath. Then you arranged lunch for him and kept in refrigerator. You did not take lunch properly during our outing. You appeared to be distant throughout the day. One side you were humiliating Manu in my presence and on the other side you were taking care of him behind the scene. It puzzled me. Why this hides and seeks game? Was the humiliation necessitated as part of treatment? Was Manu really enjoying out of self humiliation? I could not ask you anything out of embarrassment. I grew sympathy on you. At the same time my doubt over your relationship grew stronger. I started hating you on your double play. I reconsidered snapping my friendship with Prem seriously. I genuinely felt pity on Manu. I prayed for early recovery of Manu. I decided to make a final visit on next weekend and assess progress of his recovery.”
Gowri took some momentary break. I got embezzled thinking where she was heading to our discussion. I could not but applauded her observation. The question remained on how much did she know?
Gowri continued from pervious, “Thank God, I visited. Otherwise, the truth would not have been known to me. My third weekend visit was more or less repetition of second weekend. Dress code wise, you were much sober. Every incident I was looking through Prem’s eyes. I was ready to accept every explanation Prem was giving to me. Circumstantial evidences confirmed Manu’s cuckoldry fantasies beyond doubt. Again your behavioral aberrances were crystal clear. You were humiliating Manu in my presence and showing care behind. I was genuinely demoralized on your ordeal. But your hide and seek game grew suspicion in my mind. Then, I indicated about my proposed visit to Chennai next week to discuss on my marriage. I was yet to disclose my relationship with Prem to my parents. You seem were not that happy in the news. You showed a lot of concern about inter cast, inter religion marriages. You discussed on pros and cons of such marriages. You argued on practical difficulties in culture and food habits. It appeared to me that, you were against my marriage with Prem. You were advising me not to proceed with the alliance. My concern over your relationship with Prem further grew. I started digging your vested interest in my memory. Was my observation wrong? I had witnessed your care and love for your husband. Was it a camouflage? I was in two minds.”
“Last Sunday evening You, Prem and I were talking sitting on this bed. I confirmed about my visit to Chennai on weekend. You made a lot of jokes on my marriage prospects.
You said, ‘So, this is your last visit here during stay of Prem as houseguest. Gowri, sometimes make surprise visits.’ Finding question in my eyes you clarified, ‘Prem has decided to shift to independent accommodation on next Sunday.’
Bewildered I asked Prem, ‘Prem, you did not inform me earlier?’
You came to his rescue, ‘Actually Prem wanted to give you surprise and requested me not to revel to you. Sorry Prem, for spilling the bin out.’
I was immensely happy with the news. Showing false offence, I opposed mockingly, ‘Still, Prem should have given me a hint at least.’
Prem was embarrassed and tried to cover up, ‘Not like that Gowri, I would have informed you. Actually, I am worried for Kavita on her hardship. I was rethinking of my decision.’
You said, ‘No Prem, you have already made a lot of sacrifices for us. I can’t burden you more. You shift by next Sunday. I will be able to take care rest. You will be available in the city. In case, I need your help, I will inform you. Hope Gowri will not mind.’
I objected, ‘No Didi, any time we will be available.’
Prem exited leaving us alone. My doubt on you evaporated. I was flying in excitement.
You said, ‘Gowri, you also may shift to Prem. I need not worry on your travel at night especially on motorcycle.’
I asked, ‘What’s wrong with motorcycle Didi?’
“Your answer put cold water in my excitement. Prem was playing behind us. He is a liar. He was scheming something. Do you remember Didi what you said then after?”
I clarified again, “Yeah, I remember. His motorcycle had developed a snag on Monday, so he left it with mechanic. I even arranged for his transport. I phoned Manu to give him a lift. I prayed for your safe transport.”
Gowri lamented, “All bullshit! He deliberately lied to both of us. Prem faked motorcycle snag to get lift from Manu.”
I looked at Gowri in bewilderment, “What are you taking? Why should he fake a snag?”
Gowri’s revelation puzzled me also. What made Prem to fabricate stories? Definitely he was scheming something. Was he aware of my secret plan? How that can be?
Gowri slowly answered, “He faked to bully Manu. Monday Prem left his motorcycle in office. I asked for reason. He said Manu was giving him lift. I got suspicious. On my further poking Prem told me that, Manu wanted a vivid description of our last night threesome activities in bed. Manu had called him for his time. He lamented him over his sissy cuckoldry behavior.”
It was news for me. That night, lying beside him, after our ritual fornication was over, I did ask about his conversation with Manu. He categorically denied of anything special.
I sensed assertiveness in Gowri’s tone, “Finally, the cat was out. You casually spoke on Prem’s motorcycle snag. You prayed for not repetition of another snag at night. Pretending ignorance, I asked for details. You only phoned Manu to arrange for Prem’s lift. Whereas, Prem told me that, Manu had called him and offered him lift to discuss on his perverted cuckold fantasies. Prem also made story on his motorcycle snag to you which were not correct. You would not have told me the truth, if you had connection with Prem’s scheme. Clearly, he was lying on purpose. He was scheming something. I was devastated. I trapped Prem next evening over drinks.”
This revelation was utter surprising to me. Surprising was also Gowri’s observation & knowledge. I suspected Prem’s foul play on Monday. However, I never imagined Prem could scheme against me after his debacle. I could not accept these to Gowri. In a bid to drive away her skepticisms, I mocked her in light hearted tone, “Prem was genuinely feeling guilty on his behavior. He had repeatedly apologized to me over the incident. I think, he personally wanted to seek forgiveness from Manu. Being an adamant man, he may be finding it difficult to bow his head in my presence. He may have planned to find Manu alone for opening up his mind. He could not accept the truth in your presence for obvious reasons. Prem must have made wild joke to divert your attention. Do not worry much on silly matters, Gowri. We can check with Prem on his return.”I tried to push a weak defense against her strong logic.
Gowri was not satisfied. Clearly, she did not buy my idea, “No, Didi, Prem should not know anything about our discussion. What you said if could be right, I would have been the happiest person. If his intention was to seek forgiveness from Manu, he could do it right here asking for your short period absence. What’s caused him lie to me? Prem’s bossism is bothering me. He is definitely playing some game against all of us. Otherwise, why will he suppress facts and torment Manu? I am not mentally in piece thinking Prem’s barbaric behavior.”
Gowri continued assertively, “My thought process reset only after Prem’s exposure to terrorism. If Manu was cuckold and Prem was helping him to get cured, why Prem had to torment him? As a cuckold, he may fantasize his wife, not me. I had never seen any lewdness in his eyes. In the event of him fantasizing me in wrong way, I should have been cautioned. Instead Prem became aggressive on Manu. Why Manu had to face physical torture for contacting me? Why Manu had been debarred contacting me in future? It’s not that I am a reserved woman. I do speak with a lot of men. Prem had no problem I having friendship with other people. What made him feel insecure in the event of me speaking to Manu? Prem was guarding me from any possibilities of meeting Manu by chance. Even Prem tried his best to keep me isolated from you also.”
With clinical precision Gowri delivered her next argument, “I think, Manu was left in house purposefully, so that he does not get any opportunity to meet me alone. Again, Prem was making stories to meet Manu in isolation. If Prem’s intentions were to help Manu, why should he lie to me and you? It was clear that he was manipulating Manu behind both of us. If Prem was honest and had good intentions, he could have vacated your house and help from outside. Once you told me that Prem preferred staying in your house on logistic issue, whereas he told me different reason. He was visiting Bangalore for last three years. Earlier he had arranged his accommodation on such visits and your house was not in convenient location from our office. Rather his earlier accommodation was nearer to our office. So logistic was not the issue for Prem staying in your house. Also, you never figured in our discussion in any of our previous discussions. Prem had never indicated any closeness with you making him eligible for becoming houseguest for long five months period. Everything, it appeared covered under mystery. Then, Prem’s deliberate attempts to malign you and Manu by distorting events and his blatant lies; Added to these were your contradictory behaviors. I got puzzled. “
Gowri stopped and walked out to kitchen. She quenched her thirst and came back. Slowly she walked past me to rest just behind me. I felt her right hand on my shoulder. Gowri hesitated before asking, “Never mind. Didi, can I ask you something?”
“Go ahead.” I permitted her instantaneously for easing out tension.
“Do you love you husband?”
I sprinted on my feet to face her. I retorted immediately, “Definitely I love him. What makes you think this, Gowri?
Gowri did not answer. Instead she lowered her face to answer, “I know Didi. I never doubted your love. I had seen you taking all care of Manu behind the scene. I had witnessed your love & care for Manu. You arranged lunch for Manu on all days of our outings. You did not eat lunch properly. I had observed your care for Manu during breakfast and dinner. On the other hand, you made him serve coffee, wash clothes and clean dishes. Your contradictory behavior baffled me. Your behavior also looked constrained. I only foresee Prem’s foul play. I anticipated Prem’s game plan. Prem had lied me earlier also to coerce Manu, I am sure.”
Exasperated I took seat on the bed again. I looked at her questioningly.
“On Tuesday, the next day Prem tormented Manu in your presence; Prem was leaving office after lunch. He told me that, you had called him. Did you call him that day Didi?”
I knew I had called Prem that day. At the present state of our discussion, my acceptance of calling Prem on that day would send a wrong signal to Gowri. Why should I call a man, who had brutally slapped my husband earlier day in empty house in absence of my husband? What explanation would I provide? I would teach Prem accordingly in private. I thought.
Presently, I denied, I lied, “No Gowri.”
Gowri acknowledged in insipid smiling, “I knew. Prem had plotted against us. That day Prem told me that, you called him to take Manu to psychologist. I wanted to accompany. Prem vehemently refused. He advised me not to discuss about Manu’s psychological aberration with you. You may feel embarrassment and insulting. Till date I had consciously avoided all discussions about Manu. Now I am definite, he met Manu that day without your knowledge to manipulate him, coerce him into cuckoldry. Didi, he is scheming something against us.”
Gowri briefly paused and then asked, “Didi, do you really think your husband is cuckold?”Gowri finally came to the point.
I knew it was coming. I was getting prepared mentally. The chances of Gowri being an accomplice of Prem were not ruled out, though I did not notice anything suspicious in her behavior. I could not trust her completely. Things were getting complicated when I was sure of solving it amicably. I decided against conferring truth. I had to uphold Manu’s cuckoldry fantasy as true.
I carefully said, “Do you think I am fantasizing? You may not have any idea of how much shame a wife has to tolerate knowing her husband is cuckold. You have seen yourself. He fantasizes me with Prem. He forces me to share Prem’s room. He enjoys feminine dress. Behaves like a slave to perform all household chores. He did not object serving coffee to our room. Even he was found eves dropping. What more proof do you need Gowri?” I explained.
Gowri took a long pause before answering. Tone of her voice sounded the internal guilty feelings she was carrying,” Everything messed up in my brain. Didi, I smelled foul play in Prem’s attitude and behavior. Though I was not sure, I believed Prem have some role in Manu’s abnormal behaviors. I had observed pain in his eyes. To me, he appeared to be obsessed on some unknown fear. Since Monday night, I could not sleep properly. I thought of contacting Manu, but could not master the courage. How can he trust me especially, after what Prem had done to him; what had I done to him in his house? I moved to Prem’s bedroom along with his wife in his in presence. I role played as an accomplice of Prem. Then I thought of contacting you. Chances of getting truth from you were remote. I was pressed to take a final decision on Prem. I could not attend my office. Finally, I surrendered to expert, I contacted psychologist. I was disgusted over my behavior. I was ashamed of myself. “
“I have spent sleepless nights. I was in dilemma to inform you about all above. My conscious did not allow me rest. I cancelled my Chennai trip only to meet you personally. I am not clear in my mind about the motive behind Prem’s instigated fomentation. How he is benefited from Manu’s cuckoldry fantasy I don’t know. I strongly doubted on Manu’s cuckoldry. Yesterday evening I consulted a psychologist. My psychologist strongly supported my views. Didi, we may check with an expert. We can visit a different psychologist. For my sake Didi, please accept.”
In quivering voice, I asked, “What did your psychologist say?”
“She explained me in details of various stages of cuckoldry and psychological implications. I don’t remember all details. Mostly I could not follow the medical terms. Then she explained in layman’s language. She told that Cuckolding is all about inadequacy. Usually this would be very hurtful, but for those with a cuckold fetish, inadequacy becomes pleasurable. They derive pleasure out of humiliation. I have never seen Manu getting pleasure out of humiliation. I have seen pain in his eyes. She further emphasized, no doctor treating cuckold fetish will ever allow the patient to be isolated because isolation will adversely affect psychological inadequacy feelings of the patient. He will start feeling small, he will start feeling neglected. He may lose interest in life. Frustration may build up to high level. Instead of being cured, patient will perish to his frustration. What did we do? We left Manu in his isolation. I think Prem has coerced with fake doctors. That’s why he never allowed me to meet Manu’s doctors. I doubted on Manu’s cuckoldry. Now it is confirmed by the psychologist. She has opined that Manu is not cuckold. Prem is playing with his life. Even she suggested me to report to security officer. I could not do that without consulting you. I controlled my desire to meet you yesterday night itself. Morning I thought of meeting you but my office duty came on my way. I had no option but to ask for your time in the evening. I could not discuss all these over phone.”
Aftermath incidents of Gowri’s phone call flashed in my memory. Gowri’s phone had killed my optimistic planning of re-uniting with my husband. Manu phoned me immediately after she hanged up. He was optimistically looking for his re-union with me. My already dampened mind spread its dampness to his mind also. I had to cut him short to be within myself. I was so absorbed in my hallucination that when he returned from office, I did not notice his moods. Then I made the blunder. I had forgotten about the pendant I had fixed before my visit to parlor. I came to sense only after Gowri discovered it. It was late. I knew for sure, Manu had seen it, even though I had tried to hide it. ‘A cuckold will perish out of frustration’ Gowri’s psychologist said. I knew Manu was not cuckold. Still the frustration! I could not think more. I did not want to think more.
Gowri fixed her eyes on me for long. Her lips quivered a few times. Clearly, she was hesitant to speak. She suddenly got up from her seat and reached behind me. Her both hands rested on my shoulder and she whispered in quivering voice. “Didi, I am ashamed of myself to tell you. You can never imagine what Prem informed me that day. He claimed, he had to resort to similar treatment on Monday again to prevent Manu’s pervert advancement. This time Manu seems had proposed to impregnate his wife. This is a blatant lie. He is definitely scheming something against both of you.”
This revelation was utter surprising to me. Surprising was also Gowri’s observation & knowledge. However, I never imagined Prem was planning to impregnate me.
Gowri was pressurizing me relentlessly. She wanted to get rid of her mental trauma. I had no strong reasons to defy her. Finally, I relented. I had to clear suspicion in Gowri’s mind. I had a difficult task of portraying Manu as a cuckold. I had to convince doctor. I could not afford to get exposed at this juncture. Gowri’s suspicion was further complicating my already complicated life.
We searched yellow pages for renowned psychiatrist around. Finally, we zeroed in and got an appointment of Dr. M Preethi Psychiatrist & Sexologist on Saturday 14:30 Hrs. She was located a bit far away from our location. I weighted it better as it minimized the risk of being identified easily by known people around us. We decided not to disclose our identity.
That night, while resuming my contraceptive pills, I placed the pills strip in my handbag to avoid any mishaps. Gowri’s revelation had put me back into squabble. I dreaded to risk my life further.
Kavita:
Gowri and I were in bedroom. Morning she hinted me about her intention. She was looking for one to one discussion with me. She appeared to be very serious. Presently we were face to face sitting on bed. I anxiously waited for her to start.
“Didi, I need your opinion and suggestion”, Gowri was serious.
“What is bothering so much to my little sister”, I mocked her.
“No Didi, be serious. I need your honest opinion. “Promise you will keep it within you.”
I sensed seriousness in her voice. She visibly appeared to be disturbed a lot. I assured her, “I promise. Now open up.”
After a longer pause she asked, “What is your opinion about Prem?”
“What sort of question is it Gowri? He is your boyfriend. You are shortly getting married. Are you disturbed with my relationship with Perm? You know very well I don’t share any attachment with him. It’s only a show off.”
“No Didi. It’s not what you are thinking. It’s something else…….” She was hesitating.
“Then do you apprehend some attachment from Prem’s side.”
“No Didi. I am confident of no harm from your side. I am worried about his attitude. He is selfish and cruel. I am worried about his behavior. ”
“What’s wrong with his behavior?” I was curious.
“I am apprehensive.” Gowri further elaborated. “He does not know how to respect others. He believes in brute force.”
“He is a physically strong man. He ensures respect with his strong physique.” I tried to defend Prem.
“I disagree with you.” Gowri pondered further. “Respect is mutual. You respect others to win back respect. It cannot be forced.”
“So you contemplate, you don’t respect him.”
“I don’t consider him a MAN enough worth to be respected.”
“What a MAN is in your opinion?
Gowri smiled, “A MAN should not be limited only in physical strength and sexual power. Kindness, caring, listening, sense of humor, shared interests and values are more important. He should be functional, emotional, interpersonal and intellectual. First of all, he should be a human.”
“Which way Prem is lacking with those qualities?”
“No complain on physical strength and sexual power qualities. In functional front I don’t think he will be earning enough to keep his family comfortable. In emotional front also I find him abysmal. Interpersonal relationship is all for adjustment and leadership. Leadership is not about being leader. Rather it emphasizes about qualities of a leader like courage, patience, respect to others, decision making, sacrifice, accountability, responsibility etc. I struggle to fit him in anywhere of above. Education and the acquisition of knowledge are viewed as important factors of intellectuality rather than emotion & intuition. Utilization of reason and logic is vital than becoming stereotype. Education without wisdom is worthless. “
“So you consider first two qualities are not worth of much significance in a MAN.”
Gowri smiled, “You mean physical strength and sexual power. They have limited significance in modern community life.”
She continued expanding her logic in systematic manner.
“Firstly, both are raw and to some extent hereditary. The African Negros will definitely have better physical and sexual power compared to Prem.”
“Secondly, both are temporary and fragile. A simple disease or accident can easily destroy them permanently.”
“Thirdly, physical and sexual power diminishes with age.”
“And the last one, it can be easily substituted.”
“I don’t deny requirement of physical satisfaction. I like to emphasize that sexual power should not take precedence while selecting a partner. Other qualities are more significant. “
Gowri pondered further, “Moreover, how much sex can you enjoy per day. Say 30 to 40 minutes. Even if we consider 6 days per week, which is very uncommon, it translates to 4 hours per week. Sleeping, say 8 hours per day make it 56 hours. Outside job related activities will consume 10 hours per day for 6 days totaling to 60 hours. All above three will add to 120 hours per week. So, for balance 48 hours per week I need to be emotionally attached with my partner sharing all other activities. In time frame, physical attachment vs. emotional attachment is 4 to 48. More than 90% of time we will spend together has emotional quotient. As we grow old and start family, this will further increase. “
Gowri completed her reasoning, “I can’t fit Prem in this space. This is one of the area I am worried most.”
I frowned at her, “You both are friends for some time. You both shared emotional attachment and ultimately decided to get married off. Did not you notice all these earlier? ” I was surprised.
Gowri fixed her eyes on me for few moments and then took it away. She pronounced with an air of authority, “You know the difference between a boyfriend and a husband better than me. Everything has its own place of demarcation.” Gowri concluded.
She was right. Everything had its own place of demarcation. You should respect boundary not to violate it. At the most you may stretch the boundary up to its elastic limit. Did I cross the limit? I looked straight to the kitchen. Manu was busy to fix the plates on dining table for the guests. My guests were forced upon him. From distance I could not read his face. From distance he appeared sincere and serious. I know, presently his mind was hovering over my belly ring pendant. I had seen bewilderment in his eyes since he discovered my pendant. He lacked confidence for which I mostly responsible. He was worried about my eloping with Prem. What he did not know that I would never desert him. Effectively, in all practical terms, Prem had taken charge of this house. The demarcation of guest had lost. I had been transformed internally, even without realizing how it happened. Suddenly I was blown by a reverse thought of Manu deserting me. A cold wave swept through my spinal cord. I shivered internally.
“Didi, you have lost in your mind” I woke up from my trance.
I quickly tried to regain my tranquility, “Yeah! I was trying to rationalize your beautiful statement, ‘Everything has its own place of demarcation. ’you were telling about your realization.”I reminded her to divert her attention.
Gowri took a long time to answer. “I knew he is sex maniac and selfish. I was confident I will be able to transform him to amend above qualities. Only a few days back, I discovered his cruelty. I could not find any morality in his character. He is not dependable or to be trusted. I am tensed. It appears I am taking a very wrong decision of my life. What is your opinion Didi?”
I was speechless for some time, “Why don’t you ask same to yourself? Your conscious mind should never betray you.”
Gowri kept looking at my face for quite some time, smiled, “I got your answer Didi, Thank you.”
“How come you never opened your mind earlier? You are dating him for three years. From the very beginning you knew Prem is arrogant, selfish, self centered and emotionless. You decided on marriage after weighing every aspect, I suppose. What triggered you to think so late in this direction?” I could not hide my queries.
Gowri lowered her head. As if she was struggling to answer. Finally she lifted her head. “Didi, do you remember, first time I visited your house. Next Monday Prem behaved unruly with Manu. Prem physically assaulted him. I am responsible for everything. Even you also did never mention about it.”
The revelation by Gowri was a blatant blow to my belief. I had always considered her to be ignorant of under current activities. My reaction was spontaneous, “How do you know about it? Did Manu contact you again?” I was curious.
She sighed pensively. Her eyes filled in tears. “No Didi. Manu never contacted me. On last Monday night, I came to know about it from Prem. It took time for me to digest. I was not able to resolve the issues. I had to take a call on Prem before my visit to Chennai, you know. After spending two agonizing days and nights, finally I consulted specialist yesterday. She opened my eyes. She helped me to resolve the issues. “
After a pregnant pause she continued. “Suspicion was growing within me for some time. Last Monday I trapped Prem. I lured him for drinks party. He was starving for sex with me. He accepted my proposal. After three pegs, I blackmailed him.”
“I was almost phoning Manu, when Prem accepted his dubious dealings to put Manu in his place, though he did not reveal details in the beginning. I think he got scared on the prospect of me contacting Manu again. Eventually, he ended up describing how he had to resort to applying his brutal force to stop Manu’s pervert advancement on immediate Monday, I first time visited your house. He slapped Manu unabated till he accepted his mistake of contacting me and sought forgiveness. Prem was rejoicing over his achievement. His false ego was making me sick. He is an emotionless barbarian as proved from his attitude and behavior with your husband. I was feeling nervous. Didi, you should have informed me about this.“Gowri accused me for not informing her.
I tried to reason with her. With an air of benevolence I informed, “I could not Gowri. How could I do that? You were in love with Prem. You were due to tie the knot. I could have been misjudged considering it as jealousy. I had to absolve everything.”
Gowri painfully confessed, “It’s me who is responsible for all this. I have made blunders. That day Prem was talking to Manu. He handed over the phone for a brief period. Manu wanted to discuss something with me in private. Prem abruptly snatched the phone from me and threatened Manu of dire consequences for contacting me without his permission. I felt bad on Prem’s claim about myself; his bitch. I was aware of his possessiveness. I considered it as an expression of his attachment. To my query, Prem projected Manu as a sissy cuckold. I had knowledge of Bi-polar syndrome of Manu. I thought it could be some deviation of Bi-polar. I allowed the incident to drift away from my mind. I could have contacted Manu to find out his intentions of contacting me. I remained silent. I was swept away with excitement of new sexual experiments. I never imagined his cruelty can be so horrific.”
“When the truth revealed, I got literally scared. The incident forced me to rethink my acceptance. Every incidence involving Prem resurfaced in my memory. He is a liar and cheater. I am nothing but a sex toy, a bitch for him. Am I really ready for this kind of relationship? Just for contacting me, he physically assaulted Manu brutally. After marriage, he will murder the persons whoever talks to me. Even he may kill me also for talking to outsiders. I revisited my memory again and again. The more I thought, the more I felt compelled to snap our relationship.”
She took a deep breath continue, “I remembered the initial days of our relationship. He was a handsome guy with charismatic psychics. He behaved very nicely. He was never rude. He was ready to do everything to please me. Slowly I grew weakness for him. He took me around places. We spent a lot of time together. He never even touched me. I fell in love with him. Then one day he proposed me. Though I also started liking him, I was cautious. The differences between us were enormous. The difference was in culture and religion. Even food habits were different. An acceptance by my family was never possible. I knew, I was risking my life but I was blind in infatuation. Prem told me, he had no girlfriends. He promised me of not taking another wife in lifetime. I wanted to believe him. I believed him. I was obsessed. I misconstrued my obsession as my love. After a lot of hesitation, I accepted his proposal.”
Gowri lowered her face down, “Earlier I was staying in PG accommodation meant for working women. Only six months back I had shifted to a rented accommodation sharing a flat jointly with another working woman. I had first sex with him just two months ago when my mate went to her native. Prem took the opportunity to take my virginity. I also wanted to give my everything to him. I loved him. Then it repeated next week utilizing the opportunity of my mate’s long visit to her native. I did not enjoy sex as it was painful. I apprehended it as my shortcomings & lack of experience and expected to overcome with time. The excitement of a handsome man, my man entering me, pleasuring me was too tempting. The mere thinking that my man was mad on my body was enough to excite me. I felt satisfied that my man was satisfied over my figure and my assets. Our session had a crumbling stop when my mate returned after two days with her relative. Joining of her relative with us helped in sharing expenditure, at the same time ruled out any prospect of our future union. I was frustrated missing physical intimacy with him. I was not comfortable to go to any hotel in Bangalore. All along I had refused to go to a hotel. I was afraid of getting caught and defamed. I could not bring him to my apartment as I was sharing with two girls.”
I got answer of my long pending query. Many a times I indirectly asked Prem to resolve the sheer coincidence of his arrival on that Friday, leaving Gowri, perplexed my mind long. Always he maintained that he knew telepathy and could read my mind in advance.
Gowri resumed after a short break, “I was always curious on his stay with you for such long period from the very beginning. I was told that it was an arrangement to help you in medical process. He always avoided my proposal to meet you citing reasons for your embarrassment. I was in love with him. I believed him. Then one day he was forced to introduce me with you, when we accidentally met at mall. Manu was not with you. Prem introduced me with you as his college buddy and present host. That day I sensed some uneasiness between you and Prem. I suspected your relationship with Prem. I observed tattoo on your back midriff with heart symbol and A A inscribed. It was a bit odd placement of tattoo for an Indian woman in India. I considered A A symbolizes for Amir Ali. I felt zealous and insecure. You clarified it differently. I did not believe you totally. My suspicion grew. You invited me over weekends. I readily accepted considering it an opportunity to asses ground reality. I was also looking for physical intimacy. Prem intervened and informed about the planned visit to the mall next day with your husband. I could meet with your husband in the mall itself. First time my suspicion grew on Prem over his intentions. He always projected that you would not be comfortable meeting me leaving aside a visit to your house. Clearly he was lying. You proved him wrong. I decided to meet your husband in your house only.”
My surprise question followed, “Hold on Gowri. What actually Prem projected about me?”
Gowri’s uneasiness was evident in her voice. “Prem was visiting Bangalore for last three years. So, when he decided to stay in your house, I was curious. He projected you as a victim of your husband’s unnatural, sadistic behavior. He projected Manu as suffering from Bi-polar syndrome and sometimes he goes out of control. He was staying with you for providing medical help to your husband. He categorically rejected my proposal of meeting you considering it would be humiliation for you. Even he rejected my proposals to visit hospital where Manu was being treated citing same reasons. I thought Prem was right. Any woman would be devastated if her husband happened to be mentally ill with Bo-polar disease! I felt pity on you! I am sorry Didi!” Her voice stifled to a sudden halt.
It was a total surprise for me. Prem manipulated Gowri from day one of his visit or may be even before that. What he projected to me was all wrong. Purposefully he schemed behind me without my knowledge. Presently, I had to play defensive, “It’s OK Gowri. I understand. You were talking about your first visit.”
Gowri tried to smile at me forcefully. “Yeah Didi, In spite of your invitation, initially, Prem declined my visit to your house. I avoided all contacts with Prem. I think, he got frustrated over my persistent denying. Finally, Prem relented to my continuous insistence and I landed here over weekend three weeks back for the first time. You maintained sober distance from Prem, however I noticed undercurrent of your relationship with him. During outing, I had seen him touching you inappropriately at your discomfiture. I also witnessed his rough sexual behavior. He was huge. Earlier, during sex, he was sober and caring. On Friday night, he was rough during sex. His full length powerful thrusting put me gasping. Rough mauling was added to that. I managed to suppress my wailing to some extent on Friday night. I presumed his roughness as expression of excitement out of sexual starvation. On Saturday night, he almost raaped me. He entered me from behind forcing me on fours right here, on this bed. Unable to control his onslaught, I wailed in pain, may be audible from outside. You may have heard my scream. We had to cancel our planned outing, as I was reeling under pain in my genitals. On both days, I did not enjoy sex. He did not care on my request. He was mad in fulfilling his carnal pleasure. He continued his onslaught till he was spent. Sunday night, I refused him. Since then, I am not in any king of physical relationship with him. Presently, I doubt, he physically tortured me purposefully.”
Gowri hesitated before continuing. “Didi, Can you throw some light on Prem’s past life?”
In surprising note I asked, “Can you be specific Gowri? Exactly what do you want to know?”
“His girlfriends, sex life etc.”Gowri lowered her face to look away from me.”His relationship -----” She did not complete her question.
Guardedly I answered, “How does it matter to you now, Gowri? You have already taken a decision. Isn’t it? You could have asked me earlier.”
“I wanted. I could not master enough courage to embarrass self. I prioritized on our friendship to grow. Moreover I believed Prem. We were already in physical relationship. In spite of his rough sexuality, I loved him.”
“You could have asked Prem.” I put the question back to Gowri.
With an air of discomfort Gowri expressed, “I did. He always declined of having any past girl friends. Seeing him touching you inappropriately, suspicion grew in my mind. Manu’s valiant try to contact me added fuel in my suspicion. I was deeply disturbed on my relationship with Prem. I charged him of adultery and voiced my apprehensions about his dubious, conjured relationship. Prem was prompt and apt at explanations. He portrayed Manu as cuckold, a specific type psychological patient and Manu seems enjoys humiliation. He portrayed you as a victim of Manu’s pervert fantasy. He was helping Manu to recover as advised by doctor and whatever he was doing was on behest of you. This necessitated for him to stay at your home for long period. I could not believe him on his face value. After all I had seen Manu a sober gentleman few days back! I decided to check for myself.”
Gowri continued after a pause, “I made my second visit. Prior to my visit, Prem informed that, Manu fantasized seeing us all three in bed. He had already compelled you to shift to Prem’s room. His cuckoldry symptoms had grown to new dimensions. However, there was nothing to worry much. Doctors were confident that it would subside in due course. This type of sudden surge was absolutely normal for psychological patients and would get cured subsequently. I observed Manu in sissy dressing and you in seductive dress. The total environment was an indication of his cuckoldry. I started believing Prem. We acted as guided by Prem. Next day morning you made Manu serve coffee in bed. Afterwards, he was asked to do laundry while we went out for outing. Prem maintained physical distance from you, as long as Manu was not present. Your dress was not that sober. Manu did not object. I accepted Prem’s theory, Manu was a cuckold. In the night Manu was caught eavesdropping in our bedroom. Next day morning also, Manu did serve coffee again in our bed. His cuckoldry cemented in my memory.”
I kept listening to Gowri dumbfounded not able to react anything. She was proving me wrong with her revelations. Prem had manipulated Gowri aptly. I had some idea but not so much details. My immediate realization was Gowri was not that idiot Prem had anticipated.
Gowri hesitated before continuing, “I did observe your attitude towards Manu. Saturday morning, I observed you kissing Manu in the kitchen. I stealthily witnessed you arranging Manu’s dress while he was in bath. Then you arranged lunch for him and kept in refrigerator. You did not take lunch properly during our outing. You appeared to be distant throughout the day. One side you were humiliating Manu in my presence and on the other side you were taking care of him behind the scene. It puzzled me. Why this hides and seeks game? Was the humiliation necessitated as part of treatment? Was Manu really enjoying out of self humiliation? I could not ask you anything out of embarrassment. I grew sympathy on you. At the same time my doubt over your relationship grew stronger. I started hating you on your double play. I reconsidered snapping my friendship with Prem seriously. I genuinely felt pity on Manu. I prayed for early recovery of Manu. I decided to make a final visit on next weekend and assess progress of his recovery.”
Gowri took some momentary break. I got embezzled thinking where she was heading to our discussion. I could not but applauded her observation. The question remained on how much did she know?
Gowri continued from pervious, “Thank God, I visited. Otherwise, the truth would not have been known to me. My third weekend visit was more or less repetition of second weekend. Dress code wise, you were much sober. Every incident I was looking through Prem’s eyes. I was ready to accept every explanation Prem was giving to me. Circumstantial evidences confirmed Manu’s cuckoldry fantasies beyond doubt. Again your behavioral aberrances were crystal clear. You were humiliating Manu in my presence and showing care behind. I was genuinely demoralized on your ordeal. But your hide and seek game grew suspicion in my mind. Then, I indicated about my proposed visit to Chennai next week to discuss on my marriage. I was yet to disclose my relationship with Prem to my parents. You seem were not that happy in the news. You showed a lot of concern about inter cast, inter religion marriages. You discussed on pros and cons of such marriages. You argued on practical difficulties in culture and food habits. It appeared to me that, you were against my marriage with Prem. You were advising me not to proceed with the alliance. My concern over your relationship with Prem further grew. I started digging your vested interest in my memory. Was my observation wrong? I had witnessed your care and love for your husband. Was it a camouflage? I was in two minds.”
“Last Sunday evening You, Prem and I were talking sitting on this bed. I confirmed about my visit to Chennai on weekend. You made a lot of jokes on my marriage prospects.
You said, ‘So, this is your last visit here during stay of Prem as houseguest. Gowri, sometimes make surprise visits.’ Finding question in my eyes you clarified, ‘Prem has decided to shift to independent accommodation on next Sunday.’
Bewildered I asked Prem, ‘Prem, you did not inform me earlier?’
You came to his rescue, ‘Actually Prem wanted to give you surprise and requested me not to revel to you. Sorry Prem, for spilling the bin out.’
I was immensely happy with the news. Showing false offence, I opposed mockingly, ‘Still, Prem should have given me a hint at least.’
Prem was embarrassed and tried to cover up, ‘Not like that Gowri, I would have informed you. Actually, I am worried for Kavita on her hardship. I was rethinking of my decision.’
You said, ‘No Prem, you have already made a lot of sacrifices for us. I can’t burden you more. You shift by next Sunday. I will be able to take care rest. You will be available in the city. In case, I need your help, I will inform you. Hope Gowri will not mind.’
I objected, ‘No Didi, any time we will be available.’
Prem exited leaving us alone. My doubt on you evaporated. I was flying in excitement.
You said, ‘Gowri, you also may shift to Prem. I need not worry on your travel at night especially on motorcycle.’
I asked, ‘What’s wrong with motorcycle Didi?’
“Your answer put cold water in my excitement. Prem was playing behind us. He is a liar. He was scheming something. Do you remember Didi what you said then after?”
I clarified again, “Yeah, I remember. His motorcycle had developed a snag on Monday, so he left it with mechanic. I even arranged for his transport. I phoned Manu to give him a lift. I prayed for your safe transport.”
Gowri lamented, “All bullshit! He deliberately lied to both of us. Prem faked motorcycle snag to get lift from Manu.”
I looked at Gowri in bewilderment, “What are you taking? Why should he fake a snag?”
Gowri’s revelation puzzled me also. What made Prem to fabricate stories? Definitely he was scheming something. Was he aware of my secret plan? How that can be?
Gowri slowly answered, “He faked to bully Manu. Monday Prem left his motorcycle in office. I asked for reason. He said Manu was giving him lift. I got suspicious. On my further poking Prem told me that, Manu wanted a vivid description of our last night threesome activities in bed. Manu had called him for his time. He lamented him over his sissy cuckoldry behavior.”
It was news for me. That night, lying beside him, after our ritual fornication was over, I did ask about his conversation with Manu. He categorically denied of anything special.
I sensed assertiveness in Gowri’s tone, “Finally, the cat was out. You casually spoke on Prem’s motorcycle snag. You prayed for not repetition of another snag at night. Pretending ignorance, I asked for details. You only phoned Manu to arrange for Prem’s lift. Whereas, Prem told me that, Manu had called him and offered him lift to discuss on his perverted cuckold fantasies. Prem also made story on his motorcycle snag to you which were not correct. You would not have told me the truth, if you had connection with Prem’s scheme. Clearly, he was lying on purpose. He was scheming something. I was devastated. I trapped Prem next evening over drinks.”
This revelation was utter surprising to me. Surprising was also Gowri’s observation & knowledge. I suspected Prem’s foul play on Monday. However, I never imagined Prem could scheme against me after his debacle. I could not accept these to Gowri. In a bid to drive away her skepticisms, I mocked her in light hearted tone, “Prem was genuinely feeling guilty on his behavior. He had repeatedly apologized to me over the incident. I think, he personally wanted to seek forgiveness from Manu. Being an adamant man, he may be finding it difficult to bow his head in my presence. He may have planned to find Manu alone for opening up his mind. He could not accept the truth in your presence for obvious reasons. Prem must have made wild joke to divert your attention. Do not worry much on silly matters, Gowri. We can check with Prem on his return.”I tried to push a weak defense against her strong logic.
Gowri was not satisfied. Clearly, she did not buy my idea, “No, Didi, Prem should not know anything about our discussion. What you said if could be right, I would have been the happiest person. If his intention was to seek forgiveness from Manu, he could do it right here asking for your short period absence. What’s caused him lie to me? Prem’s bossism is bothering me. He is definitely playing some game against all of us. Otherwise, why will he suppress facts and torment Manu? I am not mentally in piece thinking Prem’s barbaric behavior.”
Gowri continued assertively, “My thought process reset only after Prem’s exposure to terrorism. If Manu was cuckold and Prem was helping him to get cured, why Prem had to torment him? As a cuckold, he may fantasize his wife, not me. I had never seen any lewdness in his eyes. In the event of him fantasizing me in wrong way, I should have been cautioned. Instead Prem became aggressive on Manu. Why Manu had to face physical torture for contacting me? Why Manu had been debarred contacting me in future? It’s not that I am a reserved woman. I do speak with a lot of men. Prem had no problem I having friendship with other people. What made him feel insecure in the event of me speaking to Manu? Prem was guarding me from any possibilities of meeting Manu by chance. Even Prem tried his best to keep me isolated from you also.”
With clinical precision Gowri delivered her next argument, “I think, Manu was left in house purposefully, so that he does not get any opportunity to meet me alone. Again, Prem was making stories to meet Manu in isolation. If Prem’s intentions were to help Manu, why should he lie to me and you? It was clear that he was manipulating Manu behind both of us. If Prem was honest and had good intentions, he could have vacated your house and help from outside. Once you told me that Prem preferred staying in your house on logistic issue, whereas he told me different reason. He was visiting Bangalore for last three years. Earlier he had arranged his accommodation on such visits and your house was not in convenient location from our office. Rather his earlier accommodation was nearer to our office. So logistic was not the issue for Prem staying in your house. Also, you never figured in our discussion in any of our previous discussions. Prem had never indicated any closeness with you making him eligible for becoming houseguest for long five months period. Everything, it appeared covered under mystery. Then, Prem’s deliberate attempts to malign you and Manu by distorting events and his blatant lies; Added to these were your contradictory behaviors. I got puzzled. “
Gowri stopped and walked out to kitchen. She quenched her thirst and came back. Slowly she walked past me to rest just behind me. I felt her right hand on my shoulder. Gowri hesitated before asking, “Never mind. Didi, can I ask you something?”
“Go ahead.” I permitted her instantaneously for easing out tension.
“Do you love you husband?”
I sprinted on my feet to face her. I retorted immediately, “Definitely I love him. What makes you think this, Gowri?
Gowri did not answer. Instead she lowered her face to answer, “I know Didi. I never doubted your love. I had seen you taking all care of Manu behind the scene. I had witnessed your love & care for Manu. You arranged lunch for Manu on all days of our outings. You did not eat lunch properly. I had observed your care for Manu during breakfast and dinner. On the other hand, you made him serve coffee, wash clothes and clean dishes. Your contradictory behavior baffled me. Your behavior also looked constrained. I only foresee Prem’s foul play. I anticipated Prem’s game plan. Prem had lied me earlier also to coerce Manu, I am sure.”
Exasperated I took seat on the bed again. I looked at her questioningly.
“On Tuesday, the next day Prem tormented Manu in your presence; Prem was leaving office after lunch. He told me that, you had called him. Did you call him that day Didi?”
I knew I had called Prem that day. At the present state of our discussion, my acceptance of calling Prem on that day would send a wrong signal to Gowri. Why should I call a man, who had brutally slapped my husband earlier day in empty house in absence of my husband? What explanation would I provide? I would teach Prem accordingly in private. I thought.
Presently, I denied, I lied, “No Gowri.”
Gowri acknowledged in insipid smiling, “I knew. Prem had plotted against us. That day Prem told me that, you called him to take Manu to psychologist. I wanted to accompany. Prem vehemently refused. He advised me not to discuss about Manu’s psychological aberration with you. You may feel embarrassment and insulting. Till date I had consciously avoided all discussions about Manu. Now I am definite, he met Manu that day without your knowledge to manipulate him, coerce him into cuckoldry. Didi, he is scheming something against us.”
Gowri briefly paused and then asked, “Didi, do you really think your husband is cuckold?”Gowri finally came to the point.
I knew it was coming. I was getting prepared mentally. The chances of Gowri being an accomplice of Prem were not ruled out, though I did not notice anything suspicious in her behavior. I could not trust her completely. Things were getting complicated when I was sure of solving it amicably. I decided against conferring truth. I had to uphold Manu’s cuckoldry fantasy as true.
I carefully said, “Do you think I am fantasizing? You may not have any idea of how much shame a wife has to tolerate knowing her husband is cuckold. You have seen yourself. He fantasizes me with Prem. He forces me to share Prem’s room. He enjoys feminine dress. Behaves like a slave to perform all household chores. He did not object serving coffee to our room. Even he was found eves dropping. What more proof do you need Gowri?” I explained.
Gowri took a long pause before answering. Tone of her voice sounded the internal guilty feelings she was carrying,” Everything messed up in my brain. Didi, I smelled foul play in Prem’s attitude and behavior. Though I was not sure, I believed Prem have some role in Manu’s abnormal behaviors. I had observed pain in his eyes. To me, he appeared to be obsessed on some unknown fear. Since Monday night, I could not sleep properly. I thought of contacting Manu, but could not master the courage. How can he trust me especially, after what Prem had done to him; what had I done to him in his house? I moved to Prem’s bedroom along with his wife in his in presence. I role played as an accomplice of Prem. Then I thought of contacting you. Chances of getting truth from you were remote. I was pressed to take a final decision on Prem. I could not attend my office. Finally, I surrendered to expert, I contacted psychologist. I was disgusted over my behavior. I was ashamed of myself. “
“I have spent sleepless nights. I was in dilemma to inform you about all above. My conscious did not allow me rest. I cancelled my Chennai trip only to meet you personally. I am not clear in my mind about the motive behind Prem’s instigated fomentation. How he is benefited from Manu’s cuckoldry fantasy I don’t know. I strongly doubted on Manu’s cuckoldry. Yesterday evening I consulted a psychologist. My psychologist strongly supported my views. Didi, we may check with an expert. We can visit a different psychologist. For my sake Didi, please accept.”
In quivering voice, I asked, “What did your psychologist say?”
“She explained me in details of various stages of cuckoldry and psychological implications. I don’t remember all details. Mostly I could not follow the medical terms. Then she explained in layman’s language. She told that Cuckolding is all about inadequacy. Usually this would be very hurtful, but for those with a cuckold fetish, inadequacy becomes pleasurable. They derive pleasure out of humiliation. I have never seen Manu getting pleasure out of humiliation. I have seen pain in his eyes. She further emphasized, no doctor treating cuckold fetish will ever allow the patient to be isolated because isolation will adversely affect psychological inadequacy feelings of the patient. He will start feeling small, he will start feeling neglected. He may lose interest in life. Frustration may build up to high level. Instead of being cured, patient will perish to his frustration. What did we do? We left Manu in his isolation. I think Prem has coerced with fake doctors. That’s why he never allowed me to meet Manu’s doctors. I doubted on Manu’s cuckoldry. Now it is confirmed by the psychologist. She has opined that Manu is not cuckold. Prem is playing with his life. Even she suggested me to report to security officer. I could not do that without consulting you. I controlled my desire to meet you yesterday night itself. Morning I thought of meeting you but my office duty came on my way. I had no option but to ask for your time in the evening. I could not discuss all these over phone.”
Aftermath incidents of Gowri’s phone call flashed in my memory. Gowri’s phone had killed my optimistic planning of re-uniting with my husband. Manu phoned me immediately after she hanged up. He was optimistically looking for his re-union with me. My already dampened mind spread its dampness to his mind also. I had to cut him short to be within myself. I was so absorbed in my hallucination that when he returned from office, I did not notice his moods. Then I made the blunder. I had forgotten about the pendant I had fixed before my visit to parlor. I came to sense only after Gowri discovered it. It was late. I knew for sure, Manu had seen it, even though I had tried to hide it. ‘A cuckold will perish out of frustration’ Gowri’s psychologist said. I knew Manu was not cuckold. Still the frustration! I could not think more. I did not want to think more.
Gowri fixed her eyes on me for long. Her lips quivered a few times. Clearly, she was hesitant to speak. She suddenly got up from her seat and reached behind me. Her both hands rested on my shoulder and she whispered in quivering voice. “Didi, I am ashamed of myself to tell you. You can never imagine what Prem informed me that day. He claimed, he had to resort to similar treatment on Monday again to prevent Manu’s pervert advancement. This time Manu seems had proposed to impregnate his wife. This is a blatant lie. He is definitely scheming something against both of you.”
This revelation was utter surprising to me. Surprising was also Gowri’s observation & knowledge. However, I never imagined Prem was planning to impregnate me.
Gowri was pressurizing me relentlessly. She wanted to get rid of her mental trauma. I had no strong reasons to defy her. Finally, I relented. I had to clear suspicion in Gowri’s mind. I had a difficult task of portraying Manu as a cuckold. I had to convince doctor. I could not afford to get exposed at this juncture. Gowri’s suspicion was further complicating my already complicated life.
We searched yellow pages for renowned psychiatrist around. Finally, we zeroed in and got an appointment of Dr. M Preethi Psychiatrist & Sexologist on Saturday 14:30 Hrs. She was located a bit far away from our location. I weighted it better as it minimized the risk of being identified easily by known people around us. We decided not to disclose our identity.
That night, while resuming my contraceptive pills, I placed the pills strip in my handbag to avoid any mishaps. Gowri’s revelation had put me back into squabble. I dreaded to risk my life further.
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