Non-erotic Dawn at Midnight By Pinuram - {Completed}

[usaiha2]

For whole two days, I could not talk to anyone properly. Himadri called me few times; I had to feign my pains and talked with him very normally.

On the third day, I pulled up myself. I told to myself “I had to come out of this somehow and inform my baby prince. I will live the rest of my life as a corpse but he must not suffer.”

After a long time, I went inside the bathroom and sat under the shower. On the back of mind, it was running that I had an unborn verdure with me. I caressed my womb over my drenched gown and sobbed “My baby, for your sake only I will live.”

The cold water was unable to extinguish the impending anger in my mind and soul. I felt a soft rumble in my womb. My baby whispered to me “Please do not cry, Ma.”

#

I wiped my face and eyes, came out of the bathroom, and changed my dress.

I called Kalyani from my mobile. My voice was shaking horribly. I took a deep breath to control my agitation and covered that with cold steel.

She picked up the phone---“Hello! What a surprise. Where are you?”

Very calmly and in a very stern voice I spoke---“I am at ChotoMa’s house. How are you and Pubali?”

She sensed from my voice that something grave had happened.

She asked me---“We are doing well. Why are you sounding like that? What happened to you?”

That time my voice shook. I could not control myself anymore---“Kalyani, you have to do me a favour. A favour of life time.”

---“What are you talking about? I am unable to understand. Anything happened with in-laws or Himadri?”

I shook my head gently---“No.”

I took a deep breath to fill my lungs and then spoke---“Abhimanyu…..” I was unable to see anything in front of my eyes. It was all hazy.

She screamed out---“WHAT ABHIMANYU?”

---“From past thirty months, he wrote me letters. He wrote me thirty-one letters, till now. Thirty-second is in my hand.”

---“WHAT? How come you have not received all these?”

---“I am sure, ChotoMa and Babu has destroyed all those letters. By the grace of God or my ill-fate; the thirty-second letter is in my hand. He is waiting for me, Kalyani. He is coming back to India this December. He is going to call you. He knows very well that if he call here, he will not be able to talk to me and he will not get proper answer. He has written that he will talk to my mom and persuade her. He has written that he will ask for forgiveness from Maithili.”

She was dumbfounded on hearing all those---“What do you want me to do?”

I clenched my fist and spoke in shaky voice---“I don’t want to bring any turbulence in my marital life. Tell him I am married. Tell him that his Grand Aunt is no more in this world. Tell him his Paree has died. Tell him the truth that his parents burnt all those letters. Tell him that his parents miss him very much. Tell him not to wait for me anymore. I will not come back here again; I don’t have the strength or courage to stand before him.”

We both were silent for a long, long time. After a long painful silence, she spoke---“What about the diary?”

I was surprised to hear that that she had still kept that diary with her.

---“You have that with you still?”

---“Yes. How could I destroy that? It was not yours; it was not mine even. It was Abhimanyu’s. How could you think that I could destroy that diary?”

---“Return that to him. Kalyani.”

---“And…..”

---“And what, Kalyani? All these long, I consoled my heart that he ditched me. All this long I consoled my heart that he forgot me. Now, I feel like jumping in a fire, commit suicide. But my unborn child is calling me, Kalyani.”

I heard her sobbing from the other end. She consoled me---“Paree, we are mere puppet in the hands of fate and God.”

I screamed out---“NO, HE did not separate us. Don’t curse HIM.”

I let out a deep breath. I felt an infinite vacuum inside my chest---“I will be ok. Bye.”

I knew very well after I spoke those last words “I will be ok.” Life will not be same for me.

#

[usaiha2]

#


I crushed the envelop in my fist and pressed it on my bosom. Silent drops of tears rolled down from the corner of my eyes.

I lay on the bed and gently rubbed my womb. I felt the tiny bump to move inside my body. I smiled and enjoyed those lovely tingling sensation that my unborn baby was giving to me. In my mind there was a strange feeling running then. My baby’s movement in my womb and infinite vacuum inside my chest. After sometime, those movements overcame my vacuum.

I kept quiet for a long, long time.

#

When Babu returned, he observed me in a very different mood.

ChotoMa returned from her school as usual. I gave a faint painful smile at her, as I prepared the tea for Babu and ChotoMa. They were sitting on the dining table.

ChotoMa observed my unusual calmness and asked---“What happened ShonaMa? Has Himadri told you something?”

Her question, forced a huge stream of blood from my heart to race to my brain and soul.

I kept the tray on the dining table and placed the crumbled envelop on the tray. Babu took the crumbled paper and straightened it. He looked at me and then handed the piece of paper to ChotoMa.

Babu’s jaws clenched and ChotoMa gave a bewildered look as if she knows nothing. I could not tolerate the sight of ChotoMa; I spoke in a calm and deep voice.

---“What is this ChotoMa?”

She gave a blank look at the envelope and said to me---“I don’t know Paree.”

I clutched the handle of the chair and said to her in a stone cold voice---“You know everything, ChotoMa. This is his thirty-second letter.”

She looked at Babu’s face. Babu’s looked down on the table, his jaws clenched, eyes were burning.

I hissed out---“Why you did this to me? Why?”

ChotoMa got up from her chair kept the envelope in front of me and came near me. I hissed out again---“Don’t touch me. I hate you.”

I removed her hand, which was about to touch my head. Her eyes were glistening with pain.

She sobbed out slowly---“ShonaMa…”

I screamed out---“Your ShonaMa, your Paree has died. You have killed her long ago.”

---“Try to understand.”

I screamed---“WHAT?” My head was spinning and I felt a pain in my abdomen due to all tension and rage.

---“Try to understand my pain also. I have sacrificed my only son.”

---“You have sacrificed your only son only due to your ego and guile values of prestige.”

Babu hissed at me---“Yes… it was our prestige. We could not approve your relation that was our first reaction.”

He calmed down. There was a long silence in the room. Only our sobbing could be heard. My ears were burning.

I spoke---“He wrote me thirty-one letters. Where are all those?”

---“We destroyed all those.”

---“How do you know, that those letters were from Abhimanyu?”

---“All were airmail, from different countries. There is no one who could write letters to you except Abhi. What surprised us, that all the letters were blank, there were nothing inside the envelop.”

I was pouring fire with my sniveled eyes. I asked Babu---“Where all he was, in the past two and half years?”

---“He send you letters from the day he called me once. He send you every month. A white blank envelop and nothing else. From the postage stamp, all we could make out that he was first in Israel, then he went to South Africa and Zambia. Since last six or seven months the postage stamp was of Brazil.”

My tears were uncontrollable; my chest was burning when he was saying those words to me. I sat on the chair and picked up the crumbled envelop from the tray.

I screamed out---“ChotoMa, along with those letters you have burnt several lives.”

Babu went away. ChotoMa sat beside me and looked at my painful face. I was wiping my eyes and nose.

I chewed my words and screamed at her---“I HATE you all. I do not want to stay with you anymore. You have ruined my life. I do not even feel to be here from a second. I want to go back to Dhanbad.”

My heart was filled up with immense pain. I got up somehow and carried myself to my room.

ChotoMa asked me---“Where is Abhi now?” Her voice was shaking.

I answered---“He is currently in Brazil. He is coming back to India next month. I do not know whether he will contact you or not. However, if he contacts you tell him to come back to you. From today, your Paree has died.”

She shrieked---“Paree, don’t close the door. Don’t do anything stupid Paree.”

I slammed the door, leapt on my bed, and clutched the pillow with my chest with all my strength. All I could feel that Abhi was standing in front of me with his outstretched arms and beckoning me with a sweet smile on his face.

I cried out again and again---“Go Away, Go Away. Your Paree has died.”

However, he stood there; he did not move an inch.

I cried for a long time and then I called Maithili.

She heard me sobbing profusely on the phone. For first few seconds I could not utter a single word. I lost my voice as what should I tell her.

---“What happened Paree? Did you have a fight with Himadri?”

I pressed my lips and opened the envelop in front of my sniveled eyes---“Abhimanyu…..” I could not finish my words and cried out my pains.

She screamed from the other end---“What has happened to him? Is he all right? Why are you crying like that?”

I sobbed and sobbed, tried hard to gather words as what to say to her.

---“Tell me what has happened. Is he alright?”

I nodded my head, she could not understand as what I wanted to say as she was on the other end of the phone.

I spoke with much pain in my voice---“He wrote me letters. He wrote me since the day he left India. He is coming back for me Churni. What shall I do, Churni?”

She might have lost her words. She was silent. Only thing I could hear was my own sobbing sounds echoing in the whole room. I bit the pillow as I felt a sharp pain in my lower abdomen. The pain surrounded my hips and reached my navel. I threw the phone and cried my lungs out.

ChotoMa came running to me and asked me---“What happened Paree?”

The pain in my womb was killing me. I clasped the bed-sheet with all my strength and clenched my teeth. I banged my head on the pillow. The pain was unbearable. I felt I was losing myself to death. I was sweating profusely in that November cold. I was breathing very hard. I felt my lower end of my dressing gown drenched with fluids. Sticky fluids were coming out from my nether parts and drenched the bed as well. The pain made me arch like a bow and I clamped the pillow with all my strength.

I cried out---“I am going to die. My womb is going to burst out.”

ChotoMa cried out for Babu to call a cab. All the way to the nursing-home, I clutched ChotoMa hand like anything. She pressed my head on her bosom and tried to console me.

She was very much tensed and was crying---“Nothing will happen to you Paree. I am with you.”

I sobbed out---“I am dying ChotoMa. I don’t want to die.”

#

[usaiha2]

#


I was rushed to the nursing home of the gynecologist and I was immediately taken to the labour-room.

The pain was extreme and my body was getting numb. My legs were kept above my spine level. After preliminary diagnosis, the resident doctor told that the uterus had ruptured somehow and it had come down towards my fallopian tube at an alarming distance. Fetal-heartbeat-monitor was attached with my womb. I could hear the heartbeat of my unborn sapling dying down. My doctor arrived and I was given an injection of local anesthesia on my spine.

There was a stone cold silence in the operation theatre. The heart-beat monitor stooped sounding after few minutes. I lost my consciousness was all I remember then.

#

The time I regained my consciousness, I found myself in a room of nursing home. I pulled up my head from the pillow to look at myself. I felt a huge void in my stomach and abdomen. I looked around; Maithili was sitting by my side. She clasped my hand and helped me to sit up. Himadri was standing there behind Maithili. I looked around with a huge query in my eyes. I fathomed everything that happened with me, from the agonized face of my husband, Himadri. He reached out and took me in his arms. I went numb when he clasped me. I could not speak any words. I could not move. I was more like a lifeless corpse. I looked blankly at my abdomen. There was no pain; no weight only a dark infinite space engulfed me.

#

After two days in nursing home, Maithili took me back to my native place in the village. ChotoMa coaxed Maithili about keeping me with her. I do not know what the conversation between them was. However, she came in my rescue as a white angel and took me with her.

Later on, I came to know that the unborn fetus was of a male child. They asked Himadri and Maithili whether we want to do a biopsy on that fetus or not. My gynecologist also told me that my uterus was bit weak. In future if I conceive, then I had to take extra care of myself and the opening of the uterus has to be stitched.

#

All the way from nursing home to my village, I sat as a stone effigy. My brain, my soul, and my heart everything was blank and nothing could fill that huge void inside me.

I lost my voice. Maithili and Meghna were always by my side. Himadri was very much lost. I felt that he was trying hard to cope as what happened. He pulled himself and tried to console me.

---“Life is not the end here, Suchi.”

I could not answer him and gave a blank look.

---“Do you want to return to Dhanbad?”

I could not answer him.

He cried out, his voice writhed---“Say something, Suchi.”

I lost everything I had, how could I speak out. My lips fluttered but no sound emanated from my quivering lips. My eyes were dry; lips were dry. I gave a painful void look at Himadri.

#

I lost in to the deep void space of anguish and dolor. Himadri took me back to Dhanbad after few days. Maithili tried hard with all her compassion and love to bring me back to normal life, but my life was not the same anymore.

In a mere gap of forty-eight hours, I found my life shattered and finished. I could not close my eyes to take rest. I was unable sleep anymore. I lost all faith in human nature. I lost faith upon myself.

______________________________

[usaiha2]

Chapter 6: Blue Oasis


-------------------------

Ami chilaam najor-bondi, sundori ek tanvi

Tomaar thonter alto choain, jibon holo dhoinii|

Raat r belai swapne eshye, ghumti nile kere,

Jabar agye takiye chile, haath ta ektu nere|

Khunjye kothai tomai pabo, seta nahi jani,

Khabor jakhon ello tomar, hariye gechi ami|

Chooker jol baandh mane na, book ta j jai fete

Jibon ta k mithye kore, ekla j jai hente|

Holaam na ma, holaam na bou, holaam na shye Pori,

Mithye janom, mithye e shoob, ki kore aaj mori|

Kanna hasher elomelo porot chilo chookhe,

Amar kotha amarii thaak, jane na jeno look e||

The English translation of the above is as follows

I was a beautiful girl, captive in house arrest,

Your soft touch of lips made my life meaningful.

You came in my dreams and stole my sleep,

Before you went away, you only waved your hand.

I did not know, where to search for you,

When your news came, I was lost in oblivion.

I could not control my tears, my bosom ruptured

By making the life full of lies, I walked alone on the path.

I failed as a mother, failed as a wife, even failed as your “Pori”

My life was full of lies and deceit, how could I die?

My eyes were filled up with tears of sorrow and joy,

Let my pains go with me, no one should know about…

I returned to Dhanbad as a lifeless corpse. Himadri never came to knew about the incident of the letter. He apprehended that the catastrophe of losing my sapling had made me numb. I snapped all ties with ChotoMa and Babu. Several times Himadri asked me the reason and every time I blamed ChotoMa for my premature death of my sapling. I concealed the dark truth and the sheer pain in one corner of my heart. The pain was terrible for me but I had no one to share that pain. He believed me at last and he tried to console me to his best.

#

[usaiha2]

On the last week of December, I sat alone in my room. “Somewhere in some cold winter night” I thought, “Abhimanyu might have arrived in India. He would have made a call to Kalyani. What would be his reaction upon hearing the news? What will he do? He will be devastated on knowing all the truth. Will he try to meet me and ask why I did that? Will he do something drastic and loose himself forever?” My chest gurgled with a sheer sharp pain with those thought. I banged my head on the bathroom mirror and cried in silent.

Often I asked myself “What wrong I did, God, that you are testing me like this?” There was no answer from HIM. He kept smiling softly at me. I could not understand as why HE was smiling.

I spent several sleepless nights, crying alone in my room. Himadri tried to console me, but his words felt like ice-cold in my ears. I felt those words did not have those warmth of compassion and love. Often I rubbed my flat abdomen, my womb, I felt empty, whenever I walked.

I failed myself in every front of my life. I failed to be a good daughter. I was born and my father passed away. I was the youngest child among my siblings so everyone cursed me for my father’s premature death. I failed myself as a lover. I lost faith for my heartthrob and I failed to wait for Abhimanyu. I failed to be a mother. My unborn sapling ended his breath before he could behold the light of the day. I failed to be a wife. I tried to be a good wife but then I lost everything from my husband’s side also.

For several nights, I trembled in my sleep. Whenever I tried to close my eyes, I felt the soft ripples in my empty abdomen. I pressed hard on my empty abdomen to stop the ripple. My ears echoed with the painful squirms “Ma, I want to live.” I pressed my ears with all my strength, tried hard to keep those words away. Alas, all those cries came from my soul; I could not keep away those cries from creeping in my heart and soul. At times, Himadri felt my silent tears. He used to hug me close to his chest. Nevertheless, his warmth felt like ice-cold touch to me.

#

Behaviour of my mother-in-law began to change after few months of my return. She was then more aggressive on me as I went timid and paranoid. I kept more to myself and ignored most of my surroundings. Most of her words went to my deaf ears, which started to make her burn in angst on me. She started to blame me for the loss of her first grandchild.

#

My school started after the winter vacation. Kalyani called few times after I returned to Dhanbad, but as she kept her promise that she made to me, she never uttered any word about Abhi. I was in dark and I wanted myself to be kept in dark.

#

It was few days after Holi; I was waiting for my rickshaw to arrive for my return to house. I saw that Niladri was waiting in front of my school. I was surprised to see him. He smiled at me. I returned a courtesy smile at him.

I asked him---“For whom you are waiting here?”

He came near me and said---“For you and who else.”

I was taken aback by his answer---“But rickshaw?”

---“No rickshaw from today. I will ferry my beautiful Boudi, everyday to school. Dad asked me to be your driver and I also thought this will be good.”

His face was beaming with a benevolent smile and empathy. I felt a soft throb somewhere deep inside me for that childish smile.

He looked at me and said---“What are you waiting for, come sit.”

I sat on the pillion of his bike.

On reaching home, my father-in-law told me that from that day, Niladri would schlep me for school every day. As he was in his father’s business, so he had time for me. Himadri also seconded his thought.

#

Night after night, I could not sleep on my bed. Whenever I closed my eyes, either it was Abhimanyu’s face in front of my eyes or the soft thump of the unborn sapling on my womb. I was nearing a mental breakdown. All I could gather up was nothing. My husband, Himadri was not by my side. He started to booze heavily. Every day he used to come late from his office. Every day he used to give me excuse that he was busy with his office works.

#

One night I was busy in checking the school copies. As usual, he returned late from his office.

I asked him---“What are you so late?”

He was inebriated state, he looked at me and said---“Why do you think I should come home at all?”

---“For me at least, I am your wife.”

He gave a disgraced look at me and said---“How can I douse my pains, Suchi. You can cry but can I?”

I came near him and touched his hand. His eyes were dripping with some rage and pain. “What was he thinking?”

He said to me in a very cold voice---“I told you before hand, that I do not want a child so early. However you paid no heed to my words and you have brought a disgrace.”

My ears burnt in shame and anger as those words poured hot lava in my ears.

---“What are you saying, Himu? Was that my fault only? Was that not your child also?”

---“You could have gone for an abortion.”

My head spanned on hearing him---“Why you did not take precautions? And now you are blaming me for all those mishaps.”

---“I don’t want to discuss that further, Suchi. Leave me alone.”

He snapped those last words and went out of the room. That day I sensed that the crack has developed between my husband and me. The last person on the world, on whom I could faith, left me alone in the room. I cried whole night. At the dawn, I asked myself “For whom, am I crying?” My soul did not have the answer of my query. After few days, I stopped annoying him about his late coming. I drowned myself in house chores and school works.

#

Next day morning, Niladri was driving me to school. He contemplated my painful face.

---“What happened, Boudi?”

I lost my voice and clutched his shoulder to control myself---“Nothing.”

---“I know very well, what happened last night. I was in my room, Boudi.”

I closed my eyes; my face was red in shame and fear. “What? He has heard our fight! How is he going to react?”

As we were entering the ISM campus, he suddenly stopped the bike. I asked him as why he stopped the bike.

He looked at me over his shoulder and said---“Boudi, do you have to goto school today?”

I constricted my brows and looked at him, trying hard to fathom his intention.

He was still looking at me and there was no smile or unlawful expression on his face.

I said very coolly---“I have to goto school, Niladri.”

---“I want to talk to you Boudi.”

---“What do you want to talk about?”

---“The beautiful smile that I saw on your lips, the jovial girl is lost. I apprehend that there is much more than what is shown.”

I kept my voice very stern and said---“Drop me to the school, Niladri. We can talk at home.”

He started the bike and dropped me in the front of my school.

Before returning he said---“I will wait for your answer, Boudi.”

I could not look in his eyes and slowly I went away.

I never talked about my pain with Niladri.

#

[usaiha2]

#


Himadri’s thirty-third birthday passed away without any ripple. As a timid and faithful wife, I presented him a tie on his birthday. It was my duty as a wife, which I administered. I waited for him until midnight, he did not return. Later he called at dead night and informed Niladri that he would stay at one of his friend’s house. Already my heart was numb, so that news did not perturb me much.

#

One person who never left my side was my sweet sister-in-law, Churni. She used to call me every other day. Her words acted as a soothing medicine to my shattered soul. However, she was well aware that nothing could mend my crippled heart. Sometime Kalyani also called me. I never asked her about Abhimanyu and she never talked about Abhimanyu. I tried to ask but I do not know what refrained me from asking. Her baby angel was nearing her first summer in this beautiful world. I filled my empty soul with her sweet babbles over the phone.

My summer vacation neared. I asked Himadri, that I wanted to goto my native place. He did not question me. Niladri accompanied me to my house.

On the way, he asked me---“Boudi, who is the new teacher in your school?”

I could not understand as of whom he was talking, so I asked him---“Who?”

---“Oh Boudi! A new girl has joined your school.”

I tried hard to dig in my thoughts as I kept mostly to myself in school.

---“That girl, who wears beautiful salwar kurta always. Long hair, curved chin and small nose. She has glasses.”

I tried to imagine as of whom he was talking and then I asked him---“Why do you want to know?”

---“Boudi, she is beautiful. What is her name?”

I closed my eyes and tried to think hard and then it dawned that a new English teacher joined our school in junior section.

I smiled at him and asked---“Why? Have you fallen for her?”

He tried hard to conceal his coy face, which was evident from his glistening eyes. He nodded his head.

“Ok, once I return back I will find out. But tell me what is so special about her.” I pushed him.

He held my palms in his and pleaded---“Boudi, she has got her canine over another tooth which makes her smile very beautiful. Her smile is like, Mousumi Chatterjee. Please Boudi, do something.”

---“Ok, I will do that, but you have to do me a favour.”

He nodded his head---“I will do anything for you Boudi.”

#

I looked out of the window of the train; the electric posts were racing back. The train was cutting between green fields.

I took a deep breath and asked Niladri---“What is the actual nature of your work?”

I was looking at him with a deep piercing soul-shattering gaze. I wanted to know badly as what was the actual nature of work of my father-in-law. Niladri was at his back-foot as he heard that question from me. He fumbled for words. When I saw him, babbling, I fathomed very well, that my apprehensions were very much true. I did not ask anything after that. I closed my eyes and bit my lower lips “What type of family I have been married to?”

#

Pubali turned one-year. She was a very sweet cute little angel. She was then roaming all over the place with small steps. Kalyani and Maithili were very happy to see me. On the day of Pubali’s first birthday, I clasped the baby in my bosom and cried a lot. I took out a gold necklace that I was wearing on my neck and graced her tiny neck with that.

I pressed my lips on her chubby cheeks and sobbed out to her tiny ears---“My little angel, I don’t have anything to give to you. I am a penurious aunt of your, darling.”

Kalyani very easily figured out the pains of my heart. She understood that I was missing everything in my life. I was missing my vacant womb; I was missing my heart-throb. She did not try to say any word as she felt that saying would not do anything. She let me cry and shed my tears. My eyes were all soaked with tears; Kalyani came to console me at last.

I gave a blank look at her and asked---“How can I die?”

She slapped me hard on my cheek and clasped me with her bosom. She almost crushed me. I cried out on her shoulder. She let those tears flow.

#

Himadri came to my native place to take me back to Dhanbad. I felt that I had lost him totally. He did not talk to me as he used to have in the first year. I also felt not talking to him as my heart was lost in abyss of dark ocean of pain.

One the last evening, before my summer vacation was to end, I was trotting at the backyard of my house. Slowly I came near the old mango tree. I looked up to the tree and smiled painfully on finding that there were less mangoes than previous years. I told to that tree “You are also crying?” I rubbed my empty womb and said to him “See, I have also failed to bear any fruit. You and me are on the same boat, is not that?” I sat beneath the tree and looked at the pond. My legs were folded and I rested my chin on my knees. My gaze was all-blank. I was lost into some aimless thoughts. I felt a nudge on my shoulder, I looked up. Maithili stood there with her prying gaze upon me.

She asked me---“Why are you sitting like that?”

My voice was cold---“What should I do?”

---“Talk to Himadri. Both of you should try to understand each-other and cope with situation.”

She sat beside me and took my face between her palms---“I know you won’t be able to forget him after what has happened. However, time and compassion will make everything alright.”

---“Is that so? I cannot sleep properly Churni. Whenever I close my eyes, I feel ripples in my womb. Those soft ripples kill me grain my grain every moment. I hear my baby’s voice, calling me, Churni.”

She bit her lips and controlled her tears---“Paree, most of the goes through this. It is natural.”

My lips quivered---“You know why that happened. What about that, Churni?”

She shook head gently and said---“I don’t have any explanation for that Paree.”

I tried to ask the question “Did he call you?”

Maithili understood from my quivering lips as what I was going to ask her.

She clenched her jaws---“Better forget what happened.”

---“How can I forget Abhi? He waited there for me with his stretched arms, to take me in his embrace and you ask me to forget him? WHY this has to happen with me only?”

We observed that Himadri was approaching us, so our conversation stopped there only. I wiped my eyes and stood.

He joked at us---“What all is happening between sister-in-laws? Do I smell something fishy?”

Maithili answered---“What is happening between you two, Himadri?”

He was taken aback by her query. He gave a queer look at both of us.

Maithili continued---“Paree, is very soft girl, Himadri. You have to understand her and console her.”

He gave a stern look at me and then said to Maithili---“See, I did not ask for whatever happened. Anyway, it is between a husband and a wife. We will solve it.”

From his last words, I inferred that he would make my life hell so I pinched Maithili to keep quiet.

#

[usaiha2]

#


Months passed, without any improvement in our relation. I joined school and Niladri used to come every day to drive me back home. Every day he used to pause for sometime before starting hi bike.

One day I asked him---“For whom are you waiting? I am here.”

He scratched his scalp and brought his coy face near me and whispered---“Boudi, you have forgotten my request.”

I smiled at him as I really forgot what all he asked for.

---“Look over your shoulder, Boudi.”

I looked back; Pallavi Sinha was coming out of the school gate. She was the new English teacher who joined our school in junior section.

I ruffled his coarse hair and flinched by brows---“So, she was your dream?”

He held my hand and said---“Please, Boudi. Please, please, please.”

---“Ok, I will talk to her. Now drive, we have to go home, I have to buy few things from Bank More.”

#

After few days, I told Niladri to come late so that I could talk to Pallavi. Since she was in junior section and I was in senior section so we had less conversation among us. Moreover, I kept myself very secluded from others colleagues.

Pallavi came out and asked me---“Madam, you are waiting still? Your brother-in-law is late today?”

I looked at her and said---“Yes, probably he is busy somewhere.”

She looked bit lost and asked me---“So when is he going to come?”

I flinched my brows and asked her---“Why are you asking that? And by the way how do you know that he is my brother-in-law?”

She looked down to her feet to hide her coy face---“No, nothing. I do not know him personally. We have a common friend.”

I smiled at her and said---“So you have met him before?”

She shook her head---“No, no, no Madam.”

Moreover, that conversation made us close. After sometime, Niladri arrived. I introduced him with Pallavi. On seeing, Niladri Pallavi blushed sweetly. Her coy face shot me to my memoirs of first night. That eventful night; when we were walking at the courtyard of my native place. He stopped me at one dark corner of the courtyard, looked at my face and said to me “You are very beautiful.”

#

Day by day, their attraction bloomed into love. Niladri was skeptical about breaking the news to his parents. I asked Niladri as what was deterring him no to break the news.

---“Boudi, you know my dad. He is not going to accept a non-Bengali daughter-in-law in house.”

I was angry upon him---“You knew that from beginning, then why did you approached.”

---“I don’t know Boudi; I just fell for her, smitten by her sweet smile.”

I felt that the same cycle of life was being rotated in front of my eyes. I could not control myself.

I snapped at him---“What are you going to do, Niladri? Destroy one’s life?”

---“No, Boudi. It will not happen. I am going to talk to my dad.”

---“Have you talked to her parents yet?”

---“She has given some hint to her parents. But I think you need to talk to her parents as well. Not as my sister-in-law but as her friend and colleague.”

I shook my head---“I will try. I need some time to talk to her and then will step accordingly.”

#

Pallavi was very sweet girl and I liked her. Her father was railway employee. She used to stay in the Rail colony near the station. Few days later, I asked Pallavi to accompany to Kaveri. I asked Niladri to come directly to Kaveri.

I asked Pallavi---“What is the problem? Have you talked to your parents or not?”

Pallavi looked at my face and smiled painfully---“From my side, I don’t have much of resistance. My mother knows about and she has assured me that she will talk to my father. But, Madam, the problem is your father-in-law.”

I knew from the day I stepped, that my father-in-law’s mentality was bit prehistoric. I sensed that there would be a huge fight in our house, when this news would break.

Niladri arrived and sat by her side. Both were looking very beautiful couple, glued with amorist. Stealthily I wiped the corner of my left eye. A solitary drop tried to trickle down.

Pallavi saw me wiping my eyes; she asked me---“What happened Madam?”

I smiled at her and said---“Don’t call me Madam at least now. I am not in school.”

“Ok, Boudi.” She smiled sweetly at me.

Niladri asked me---“Boudi, what are we going to do?”

I looked at both of them; they were anxiously waiting for my suggestion. What should I say or suggest to them?

I said to them---“Wait for some time. Let me talk to both of your parents.”

I said those words; however, I was not confident enough to fight.

They were satisfied with my assurance, but I was not satisfied.

#

Days passed and their love grew stronger. I felt a stream of fresh air, flowing through my veins. Their face beamed with new life and the look in their face, made me think of my old days.

#

Two years passed by without any notable ripples, I turned thirty on August. The string of attachment between my husband and me was negligible. I was also not in terms of repairing that string. Every moment, I cursed myself for being a failed wife and a failed mother. My gore heart and soul always remind me of his waiting eyes.

#

On my thirtieth birthday, as usual I was in my school when my phone rang. I picked up the phone.

---“Hello.”

The answer from the other end, made my ears turned red in anger. It was ChotoMa.

“How are you ShonaMa?” Her voice was dripping with pain and sorrow.

I bit my lips and clenched my right fist on my bosom---“I am ok. Why have you called?”

She sobbed out from the other end---“I miss you very much, Paree. Won’t you come back?”

I clenched my jaws and said---“Never ChotoMa, I won’t come back to you again. Keep the phone, ChotoMa. You already had done much massacre to my life and soul. I do not want to talk to you.”

She sobbed---“I have one small question, Paree?”

I was anticipating that query from her---“I know what you are going to ask. You will ask whether Abhi has contacted me after returning to India or not? Right? For your information, Abhi is not like that person. He will not try to bring catastrophe in my marital life.” I was sobbing in sheer pain while saying those words to her. “He will die rather to bring any harm to me, after knowing that I have married. He will not question me. He will accept as what life brought to him. I do not know his whereabouts ChotoMa. I want to be left alone, ChotoMa. Please do not call me again.”

“Happy birthday, Paree.” She kept the phone.

#

I went inside the restroom and tried hard to suppress the turbulence inside my heart. I came to know that Abhimanyu has not contacted his parents. “Then what was he doing? Where was he? He has contacted Kalyani but not his parents. Why, what was the reason?” Thousand of queries haunted my mind. I was at loss, for those answers. “Should I call Kalyani and know ask about his whereabouts? She would probably know as he has called her.”

#

Then it dawned in my mind “No, I should not bring any turbulence in my life after three years. I should refrain myself from such thoughts. He might have started a new life of his own. Bereft of me, bereft of his parents and close one. Let him be happy with what he has.”

On January, the news came that Maithili was expecting. I was very happy to hear that a new life is coming in this world. SubrotoDa informed me about that. He was very happy, that he was going to be a proud father.

“Where is Churni? I want to talk to her.”

He handed the phone to her. She sounded very weak---“I am well.”

---“I do not presume that by your voice Churni? Tell me what all has happened.”

---“It is normal, Paree.”

---“Have you consulted the doctor? What are they saying?”

---“Doctors are saying that there is some problem with my urine and blood.”

I clenched my fist, I was on the verge of breakdown “No, this can’t happen to the person whom I adore most in this world.”

I cried out---“I want to meet you, I am coming.”

---“Please, Paree, I am ok. Do not take un-necessary tension. Everything will be ok, Paree.”

#

Just then, Himadri entered the room. He saw me crying on the phone and asked me as what has happened. I told him that Maithili was pregnant and I wanted to meet her.

---“Ok, when do you want to go?”

There was no resistance from his side, no reaction about the news. I looked at him and wiped my eyes.

---“I will go during her child-birth not now.”

“Very well.” He said. “I want to talk to you Suchi.”

I disconnected the phone and asked to Himadri as what he wanted.

---“My parents are looking for bride for Niladri.”

I knew that it was only matter of time as Niladri was also thirty-one---“So?”

---“I came to know from few peers that he is seeing someone and she happens to be teacher of your school also.”

“So you know everything?” I chewed those words while throwing them to him.

He snapped at me---“Why haven’t you informed me before?”

I pointed my index finger to him and snapped back---“When do you find time to talk to me? You always return late from office, most of the night in inebriated state. You take dinner and then slam on the bed. Have you asked for once that how I am? What have I eaten? How was my life? No. You don’t have time for me.”

My head was burning in bitter anger while pouring those vengeful words to him.

---“What do you think? Am I a stone idol? You have brought me here in your house. It was your duty to look after me and take care of me.”

He was stone cold. He gave a bewildered look at me. Probably he never sensed that I could talk to him in that fashion.

I continued---“Have I ever asked as why you are coming late? Have I ever questioned that why were you acting indifferent to me in these three years of our marriage? Have you ever tried to help me come out of my loss and pain? No. Why Himadri? Why?”

He clenched his jaws and gave a ragged look at me---“What should I tell you? You do not listen to me. I tried to apprehend you at the beginning, but you were in a total loss. Then, you never acted to be my wife whom I married. You were always in a shell covered with some pain and destitute. You never allowed anyone to delve into your domain. You never divulge me your heart even Suchi. You once told me that clap had to sound with both hands. SO if you do not tell me as what had happened to you then how could I know? I am sure there is something more than a mere miscarriage. I can tell that for sure and I can even see those in your eyes.”

My head went blank when I heard those words from his lips “Has he fathomed that I loved someone else? What will he do with me if he comes to know about the reality?”

I did not have a single speck of faith on him so I lied to him---“The reason of my miscarriage was my ChotoMa and I bore that pain in my heart. I bore, that the person whom I adored most in the world, deceived me to dungeon.”

His look was evident that he did not believe a single word of mine.

He snapped the burning words at me---“Your ChotoMa called me.”

I went numb. I was stoned by those words. My heart pumped furiously “What has she told to him? Has she revealed all my dark, beautiful past that I burnt in the sacrament pyre?”

My face was red in anger and unknown fear. He sensed everything on seeing me go pale.

---“She told me, that she was sorry for whatever has happened. She requested me to bring you back to her.”

A huge load came off my chest and I took a deep breath. “So ChotoMa was at least had some conscience left in her that she has not divulged anything.” My eyes glistened while hearing his last words. However, in my heart, it was all gore, it was all finished.

I chewed my words---“Himadri, I don’t want to go back to Kolkata. Please do not ask me.”

He sounded very cold on hearing my answer---“I do not even want to come between you two. It would be your call whether you keep your ties or not.”

I wiped my eyes and said to him---“Ok, so be it. So you will not meddle whatever I have to do in my life?”

He said---“I will not, till the time you don’t cross my path.”

I shook my head in sheer dismay and anger. I came to conclusion that he has lost his interest. “Was he lost in someone else?” I did not know at that time.

#

Tension brewed in my in-laws house as my mother-in-law was searching for a suitable daughter-in-law for Niladri. He was adamant of not marrying anyone. Niladri asked for my help, but I was even helpless in that house. After few months, my father-in-law finalized a girl for Niladri. Every time I looked at Himadri, expecting him to talk to his parents about the situation. However, he acted very indifferent towards all those conversations.

#

[usaiha2]

#


One evening, after school I as usual we, Pallavi and I were waiting for Niladri outside school.

She gave a helpless look at me and said in a choking voice to me---“I have to say something to you Suchi Madam.”

I flinched my brows and asked her---“What?”

She looked very sad and pain was dripping from her eyes---“My father knows your father-in-law very well. He told me that your father-in-law is a coal contractor and coal contractors are basically….”

I knew what would be her words, I fathomed the nature of my father-in-laws business long ago, but that would come between some ones love, I did not expect.

I clenched my jaws and looked up in the sky. Tried hard to find words as what to say. Niladri arrived and observed that Pallavi’s eyes were glistening and I was tensed.

When that news was broken to Niladri, he was broken and she cried. Niladri tried to console her to his level best. Niladri gave a help-less look at me.

I took a deep breath and said to them---“Go away. I will manage my in-laws. Leave Dhanbad.”

Pallavi shrieked, her eyes glistened---“I have one sister and one brother, Boudi. I can’t leave them.”

Niladri was bewildered upon hearing my answer---“But Boudi, what about you?”

I looked at Pallavi and said---“I know my in laws very well. What else do you plan to do? And I have seen much gore days in my life, I will accept whatever would happen to me.”

Niladri held my palms in his hand and tears rolled down his cheeks.

I smiled painfully at him---“Boys don’t cry, Niladri. You have to be strong enough to handle every situation.”

Pallavi threw her arms around me and hid her face on my shoulder.

I tried to console her---“I will face everything, don‘t cry. Everything will be ok.”

#

It was August, my thirty-first birthday. I did not expect anyone to bring any present for me. I returned from my school as usual along with Niladri. All the way, while returning, Niladri gave a naughty smile at me. I felt awkward by his glance and asked him as what has happened.

He whispered to me---“I have something special for you today.”

---“What?”

---“A surprise for my sweet, adorable, Boudi.”

Upon reaching our house, he took me to his room.

“Happy birthday, Boudi.” Then he handed a beautiful saree to me. I looked at him, shook my head, and smiled at him.

#

I found myself surrounded by high walls on three sides and a solitary window at one end. Through that window, I could behold a blue oasis in the middle of the scorching desert. He was Niladri.

#

Maithili was expecting her child on the first week of October. I planned to be there during her childbirth as she was very weak. Tension also prevailed at my native place. I sensed that some, storm might break out. I prepared myself for any storm. Every day, I used to pray to God “You have taken a lot from me, please spare my Maithili.”

______________________________

[usaiha2]

Chapter 7: Judas Kiss


-------------------------

The person whom I embraced, was never mine,

Not even for a moment, I fathomed he was not mine.

His heart descended on my eyelids

His love beckoned me and tapped my heart.

The garland he graced me was of lie and deceit

Yet I could not apprehend that he was not mine.

Maithili was expecting her childbirth on first week of October. I planned to be present during her childbirth. I was very much concerned about the health of my adorable Churni. Her health was deteriorating day by day.

#

One evening I was arranging our cupboard, I observed a small box wrapped in a gift wrapper. At first, it dawned to me that, probably Himadri brought some present for me for my birthday, but somehow he forgot to present me. I opened the packet; it contained a very beautiful gold pendant. I was very happy to see that pendant, a tiny rose embalmed in a heart shape. It was costly. There was nothing written on the packet. I kept the gift pack at its place and did not utter a word about that. 

Days passed, he did not mentioned about the pendant. I was surprised and felt heavyhearted by his behaviour. 

Then one day, I opened the cupboard to search for that gift box, but to my sheer surprise, the gift packet was not present in the cupboard. I was very much puzzled, as I could not find the gift-wrap. I was at my wits end as where the gift-wrap could go.

#

One night, as usual Himadri was late. My mother-in-law started pestering me to call his office, as it was getting cold outside. I called to his mobile; it was out-of-reach. I then made a call to his office. The caretaker picked up the phone after few minutes of ringing. I asked him about the whereabouts of Himadri. To my utter surprise, the answer shook my nerves.

“Madam, Karmakar Sir left office at one o’clock.” He answered.

---“Do you know where he has gone?”

---“No Madam. He leaves office early, almost every day. He said that, you are not pulling well, Madam. He said that you are ill. How are you Madam now?”

I closed my eyes and held my breath upon hearing the bitter excuse. I felt a hot brewing lava surge out from my chest and ran through my throat to my face. “Where he could be? Is there any other woman in his life for whom he bought that pendant? Have I lost the right to ask him?” all these thought raced in my brain.

Himadri returned late, my mother-in-law asked him about his whereabouts. He did not answer anything to her. I sat alone with his dinner on the dining table. He sat quietly on the dining table and started to eat. I was unable to look at his face. Angst and pain was running through my veins. Every second every heartbeat was uttering to me “Suchi, you have been deceived, bitterly.” I thought to ask him about the gold pendant, and then I thought I must have enough proof to nail him.

#

On last week of September, I packed my bags to goto my native place. Maithili was pulling fine.

I called to Maithili the day before I was to reach my village.

---“I am coming to take care of you.”

She answered in a weak voice---“Ok, come quick. I am waiting for you. I want to see you.”

I tried hard to control my tears on hearing those words from her lips. I clenched my fist and pressed on my lips “God, save her.”

---“Nothing will happen to you Churni, I am coming.”

#

Niladri accompanied me as usual to my village. We went by Coal-field as usual.

Niladri asked me---“Boudi, what has happened to Maithili Di?” He knew about her ailments.

---“It is some gynecological problems which happens in most of the woman.”

---“She will be alright, Boudi?”

I did not know the correct answer but I gathered myself---“Yes, definitely, she will be alright.”

---“I have something to ask you, Boudi.”

---“What?”

---“For past few days, you are very pale and this time it is not the pain of loss but it is something else.”

I felt a spin inside my head as those words hit my ears like huge stone. I thought for few minutes “Should I ask for his help? He is the only person who can help me.”

#

---“I need to ask you something. I need a favour Niladri.”

He gave a sweet smile---“Anything for you Boudi.”

I had to gather myself up before placing my acquisition in front of him that also about his brother.

He gave a queer look at my face on seeing me, lost in my thoughts.

---“What happened, Boudi? What are you thinking?”

I mumbled for words and then gathered up myself---“You are aware that your brother returns late from office.”

He nodded his head “Yes, so? He might be occupied with his office works.”

I took a deep breath---“I called his office, few days back. I came to know, that he left his office long before. He returned late that day. I also came to know he leaves early from his office, very often on the pretext of my illness.”

He gave a queer look at me---“What do you mean to say, Boudi? Are you suspecting my brother?” His gaze was saying that he was unable to believe what I was saying to him.

I gently nodded my head---“Niladri, I am skeptical about his current behaviour.”

---“But why?”

My gaze was fixed on my lap. My pulse rate was running high---“I found a gold pendant in the cupboard, which was gone after few days. It was not for me.” I gave a pleading look at him “I want your help, to find the person to whom the gold pendant was presented.”

He almost snapped at me---“Boudi, you are making a dire acquisition on my brother. I must have known if he would have done such acts. He would have told me in his inebriated state. But he has not divulged anything to me.”

I was in a sheer pain---“My sixth sense saying this to me, Niladri. I hope; this does not come true.”

He gave a burning look at me---“I will keep a tab on him, Boudi. Do not worry.”

He brought his face near me and chewed his last words---“If this is true, then I will forget that he is my brother. And if this is proved wrong then…..”

I was very much agitated by his words---“Niladri, this is only an assumption. Please do not do anything stupid.”

He shook his head and rest of our journey was a very silent one.

Before returning back, Niladri touched my hand and said---“Boudi, I will keep an eye. Take care Boudi.” His eyes were glistening in anger and pain.

#

[usaiha2]

Meghna Boudi and all others were happy to see me. Maithili was very weak and she was virtually bedridden. On seeing me, she smiled at me. It was her last week before her expected date of childbirth.


I gently rubbed her forehead. I held her head on across my bosom---“Nothing will happen to you, till I am here.”

She sobbed in my warm embrace---“Promise me one thing Paree?”

I knew what she would ask from me yet I nodded my head.

Her weak frame trembled; voice choked my ears---“Look after my child if something happens to me.”

Her words made my eyes hazy; I pressed my lips on her head. I cried out softly---“Churni, nothing is going to happen to you.”

---“I want to say something to you before I goto hospital.”

I pressed my fingers on her quivering lips---“I will hear those words once you come back with your child.” My heart was bleeding with pain and tears flooded my cheeks and soaked her forehead.

I wiped my tears and asked Subroto Da---“What the gynecologists are saying?”

---“The last USG report suggests that the umbilical cord is wrapped around the neck of the baby and more grave is that the placenta is inverted. The operation would be somewhat critical.”

I looked at Maithili; she gave a painful smile at me. I took a deep breath and wiped my eyes.

#

She was admitted to hospital on the first week of October. She was experiencing her birth pangs. To my sheer surprise, I found Arunima to be also present. I gave a courtesy smiled at her. We met for the first time in last eight years. She felt bit awkward and tried to avoid me.

Maithili was taken to the operation theater; we sat outside, dipped in tension. I continuously wiped my eyes, clenched my fist to my bosom, and prayed to God all the time. A series of huge turbulent waves were sweeping across my chest and flooding my bosom.

#

Those five hours, waiting outside the operation theatre seemed to be endless. Subroto Da was loitering all along the corridor, anxiously waiting for news. He was very nervous, so was I.

#

At last, the nurse came out and called the name of Subroto Da, I ran to her. My eyes flooded as I saw a little baby wrapped in a white flannel in her arms. I took that child in my arms and gently placed my lips on its forehead. Few drops of tears soaked her tiny forehead. It was a baby girl. After sometime, the doctor came out and said that the caesarian was a successful one. I asked the doctor as when could we see Maithili. They said that she was still unconscious. Lots of blood had been drained, but she was out of danger.

In the evening, Maithili regained her consciousness; I sat by her side all the time. Baby was in the nursery under blue light. She was sleeping as if a beautiful pearl flooded in the blue moon light.

I smiled at Maithili and kissed her forehead. My eyes were glistening on seeing a faint smile on her lips---“My sweet Churni. You are ok.”

Subroto Da came and sat beside her on the bed. He gently rubbed his palm over her head---“Get well soon, your daughter is waiting.”

#

After few days, Maithili returned along with her baby. I was in a pure ecstasy. The life of my sweet sister-in-law was completed in a full-circle. She was a good wife, good daughter and then a good mother. The sight of Maithili’s beautiful face made me writhe in pain. I have failed myself in all the fronts of my life. At times, when I was alone in my room, I used to feel the pain of void and emptiness in my womb. The soft ripples have not died even after three years. The huge void of frustration and inadequacy again engulfed me. I tried to pull myself out from my miseries.

##

One evening I was singing lullaby with the baby in my arms, Maithili asked me---“Have you searched for any names for your niece?”

I looked at her and said---“Why should I name her?”

Subroto Da and Maithili named their baby Nilanjana.

#
.
One evening, I sat beside her with baby on my lap. I was looking at the face of the baby, my chest was having soft ripples of love and pain both at same time.

She perceived my hidden pain from my eyes---“Life is not yet finished, Paree.” She nudged my shoulders gently---“Every cloud has got a silver lining.”

On hearing those words from her lips, I gently shook my head---“Churni that is a failed dream that you are trying to contemplate. I have lost everything.” The only thought that was gnawing my soul was “I have lost Himadri, my husband.”

She insisted me to speak up---“What do you mean by that?”

I was skeptical at the beginning “Should I talk to her about the gold pendant? Why not she is the only person in this world to whom I can open myself.”

The baby was looking at my face with her tiny squint eyes. She yawned at me, her toothless mouth, sweet chubby pinkish cheeks was emancipating a pure halo of love. I looked at her face and with quivering lips, I said to Churni---“My husband is gone, he has not touched me since my miscarriage. I have failed myself as a wife, Churni.”

She screamed---“WHAT?”

“Yes” I gently nodded my head.

She took my face between her palms and looked deeply at me---“What do you mean, Paree?”

My soul shattered as I told her the incident of the gold pendant.

---“But, you are yet to hear from Niladri, right? How do you come into conclusion without any strong evidence?”

“I know by my heart, Churni. I have seen that in his eyes. His cold touches, his voice, his face. Everything tells me that he has no interest.” I took a deep breath “I will take my final step once I get the news.” With that I let emptied my whole exhale and bend my head on my knees.

I could not feel anything else, except a burning rage in my head and soul.

#

I called Niladri that night asking him whether he has found anything or not. I pressed the phone to my ears, prepared myself for the forthcoming news of losing the battle.

His voice was too cold---“I am coming to bring you back, Boudi.”

---“Tell me what you have got, please.”

---“Nothing as of now Boudi.”

I screamed at him---“You are telling lie.”

---“Why should I lie to you, Boudi? You are the only one person who understands me. Tell me why should I lie to you?”

---“Because, he is your brother.”

He was silent for few moments and then said---“But I love you Boudi. I can’t deceive you at any cost, even if he is my brother.” His voice choked “You got me acquainted with my life. How can I deceive you, Boudi?”

Tears rolled down my cheeks on hearing his words. I felt an uncontrollable thrust on my bosom and I clenched my fist and banged my forehead.

#

November started. Chill winds welcomed the winter in the village. Niladri came after few weeks to take me back to Dhanbad. He gifted Nilanjana a gold chain and blessed her. The day I had to return to Dhanbad, I took Nilanjana in my lap and kissed her forehead. She yawned at me and looked at my face with her tiny little eyes. Few drops of tears fell on her little chubby cheeks.

I whispered to her sleepy ears---“My beautiful niece, I have nothing as of now to give you. But I promise you, I will take care of you as my precious heart.”

Maithili said to me---“You don’t have to give anything to her.”

She embraced me close to her and whispered to my ears---“I pray to god that your apprehension is all wrong and you get back your husband.”

#

Niladri was very silent all the way to Dhanbad. We talked very less, only courtesy queries and answers were the points of our conversation. From the sullen look on his face, my breaths stormed out. Niladri said that there was no one in the house except him and Himadri. His parents had gone to some relative’s house.

The time we reached Dhanbad, it was noon.

#

In the evening, I was in my room, keeping my belongings in the cupboard. Niladri came in my room. His face was dripping sheer pain and angst.

I looked at his face and my nose-flared up on observing his sullen face---“What happened, Niladri?”

He came close to me and stooped his head. He was breathing hard---“Come with me.”

My chest burnt in anger, I breathed fire on hearing his words---“Where?”

He placed his hand on my shoulder and nudged me gently---“Come with me, Boudi.”

My heart was thumping inside my chest as if it would burst out any moment. I was breathing heavily---“Just tell me what you have found? Is my foreboding is true?”

---“See it yourself.”

I screamed at him---“No, I don’t want to behold anything. Just tell me that it is false.”

He took me in his arms and pressed my head on his chest---“I tried very hard to prove you wrong Boudi, but her name is Shalini.”

I went numb in his arms. All my veins and nerves went dry upon hearing him. I held my breath for some time and then freed myself from his arms slowly. I looked at his face; he was looking at the floor. He was breathing very slowly. I closed my eyes and slowly sat on the chair and rested my head on the table.

The only thought that twirled in my head and burnt my soul was “I lost my love and I was unable to come out of that and the repercussion was in front of me.”

He came near me and kneeled by my chair---“Boudi, what do you want me to do?”

I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and said to him---“I will talk to him tonight. Who is she?”

He took a deep breath---“She is Dada’s old college’s friend. She is married and has a four-year-old son. She lives in Bokaro. He husband works in Steel Plant.”

All the while, he was saying those, I had my eyes tightly closed and clenched my jaws. I was unable to keep my head as it was spinning like a whirlpool in high seas. I gave a blank look at him “What should I say to him? Whose fault was that anyways? Mine? Himadri’s? Whose fault?” I was at my wits end tried hard to find the truthful answer. After sometime it dawned that, “Suchi, you have lost that right. In last three years, have you ever tried to come near him? No.” Then I thought, “If he wanted to leave me, then what is the harm? He could have told me and we could have parted our ways.”

My lips quivered in pain---“Leave me alone Niladri. I want some time alone with me.”

He let out a deep exhale from his chest and went away.

______________________________

[usaiha2]

Chapter 8: Conceive of Angel

--------------------------------

During the dinner, I could not swallow my food, Niladri was all-silent. The silence was killing me.

It was late night as usual. I was in my nightdress. The doorbell rang. It was Himadri. I gave a blank look at his face and came in my room. Niladri was sitting in the drawing room, watching TV.

He entered after me and asked---“How was your journey?”

I nodded my head “Ok.”

His voice was very cold, probably the hatred in my heart made his voice sounded like ice.

He came near me; I sensed his breaths on my nape. I closed my eyes as I felt his hand on my shoulder---“I missed you.”

I bit my lips as those words poured down molten lava on my face. Series of waves culminated on the shore of my chest. To support myself I held the chair. My shoulder was burning where he kept his palm. I could not bear his touch on my shoulder.

Gently I removed his hand from my shoulder and said to him---“Why are you so late?”

He lied; he lied in cold blood---“It was office, Suchi.”

I gave a piercing look at his face. He looked away, avoiding the direct eye contact. “Has he understood that he was caught? Nevertheless, his voice was very normal and cold as usual. How should I start confronting him? How to start?”

I fixated my gaze on his face to fathom his expressions---“I expected you, Himadri, to bring me back. However, you were not there. Why?”

He did not look at my face and answered---“It was my work, Suchi. You know very well as how busy, I am.” He gave a queer look at my face “I have drowned myself in my work, Suchi, same as you.”

“Lie and deceit, Himadri. Just spew out venom, Himadri that you do not want me anymore. I will be more than happy. It was my fault, from the very beginning that I did not wait for the person I loved most. I tried hard to gather myself but I failed. You could have told me, why you kept me in dark, Himadri. Why?” No I did not spoke those to him; instead, I stood as a granite effigy, covered with his chicane words.

#

My face was burning while whose words were beating my eardrums. My gaze was spewing molten blood instead of tears. I spoke in an ice-cold voice---“Who is Shalini, Himadri?”


All of a sudden, a huge stream of blood gushed on his face. He gave a bewildered look at me. He was not at all prepared for that question, I knew that very well. I was also not prepared for that question to ask him all of a sudden. What made me ask that, I did not know?

He screamed at me---“Who?”

A cold voice came again out of my lips---“Shalini, your college friend.”

---“Who told you?”

---“It is not the question, Himadri, who informed me. Who is she?”

He clutched his fist tightly, signed me that he would break my face. He shook his head in dismay and anger. He was caught in the web of queries.

---“I found a small gift box in the cupboard. It contained a gold pendant. It is gone.”

The venom spewed at last from the lips of my husband---“You crossed your limit, Suchi. I warned you that we shall not cross our paths.”

#

I could not keep my thoughts inside me anymore. I howled at him---“You could have told me once, Himadri. I would have gone from your life. Why you had to keep me in dark?”

He chewed his words---“Why, are you not satisfied? Do you think I am blind? I do not have eyes. I do have a heart and soul. What have you given me, Suchi?”

He clutched me by my shoulders and shook me violently---“Tell me, what you have given to me?”

My whole body shook like a life-less trunk of a tree. My eyes were closed and tears were rolling down my cheeks.

He screamed at me---“I know who told you all these, that son-of-a-bitch, Nilu.”

His next sentence shattered my heart and soul, a grave implication that I had not dreamt off in my nightmares also.

---“You do have your desires satiated. Do not think I am a fool. I know very well that what you and Nilu do.”

I pressed my ears with both my hands. Each single blood vessels in my body, was bursting off. There was splash of electric pulses in front of my eyes. All I could see, a black screen and specks of lights in my head.

#

I shrieked in sheer angst and pain---“NO, MIND WHAT YOUR ARE SAYING.”

He went to the door and locked it from inside and then with long steps stride towards me. I was shaking in fear and rage. Niladri was outside probably, I did not know, as there was no response from his side.

Himadri stood in front of me, breathing fire on my face---“Don’t think I am blind. I know everything, what you two were doing behind my back. I have information that you two dine at Kaveri, shop in Bank More, movies in Ray or Pooja talkies and many more ….”

I kept my eyes tightly shut, the veins on the side of my head was about to rupture.

I screamed at him with all my strength---“What are you saying? He is like my brother.”

He started abusing me in all his foul language. Harsh and cruel.

I clenched my teeth and shouted at him---“I don’t want to stay with you under one roof even for a single moment.”

---“Sure, why would you? You have what you wanted. (Foul)”

#

[usaiha2]

All of a sudden, he slapped me hard on my face. I fell on the bed on my stomach. It was not the pain of slap that was incinerating my heart and soul, it was his foul words and his beastly accuse that made me insane. I clutched the bed-sheet with both hands and hid my face on the pillow.


Himadri pounced over my back and pinned me down on the bed. With his arms he pressed my nape on the pillow. I felt his other hand, fumbling my dress. Within seconds he tore apart the fabric from my body. Huge strike of chill ran down my spine, I tried to scream in but my mouth was covered with pillow.

He hissed in my ears---“You can warm up others quilt then why not mine, you … I will not kill you, I make you demoralize in your heart and kill your soul.”

I thumped my head on the pillow and tried hard to push him off my back, but he was stronger than I in every sense was.

I was whimpering in pain only low cries came out of my dried lips. My face was red, all my nape and chest was heaving, my heart thumped inside my chest like a huge piston of old steam engine.

His cruelty was at its pinnacle. He invaded my sanctum-sanatorium with no mercy. It was like a saw cutting through sandpaper. I kept on crying and crying. He mauled me like hungry hyena. 

It was eighteenth day after my LMP. I was fertile like Gangetic plain. 

The seed was sown. I conceived my angel. It came with sheer brutality and malice.

#

He left the room, after mauling my soul and body. I lay there on the bed, disheveled and helpless, cried in pain and anger. Nothing except hatred engulfed my soul. Even in my worst nightmare, I never thought that my precious angel would come in this world in that manner.

______________________________

[usaiha2]

Chapter 9: White Cessation


--------------------------------

After that night, I was demolished down to the earth. I could not look in my face in mirror. Each time I tried to face myself, I found a battered soul looking at me with jittery look. Himadri threatened me with dire consequence if I would utter a single word about that malicious incident with anyone. I lost my voice.

#

After that day, Himadri used to sleep on the bed, I used to curl up on the floor. For the exterior world, we were still married as a husband and wife. I felt that it was better to be a caged princess in an ivory cage. My heart cried for my ChotoMa. I wanted to meet her for one last time and ask her why she did this to me; I loved her most after my own mother. However every time I tried to call her, Abhimanyu’s white envelop came in front of my eyes. I lamented on my fate. I restrained myself from dialing her number.

#

One week, after that gruesome incident, Himadri asked me to resign from school. I did not have strength to fight with him. I submitted my resignation to the school and was caged in that brick walls forever. Niladri was very much surprised on my decision.

#

One afternoon, I was in my room, sitting silently with a blank mind and soul. Niladri knocked and entered my room. I gave a blank look on his face. He could not understand anything from my pale white face, bereft of any blood and soul.

He sat by my side on the bed---“Why have you resigned from school? That was your dream, Boudi. What on the earth has happened to you Boudi?”

I mumbled for words as what should I tell him. I looked in his eyes, which was full of compassion.

I felt ripples inside my chest and sobbed out---“I am finished, Niladri.”

He gently touched my shoulders, his compassionate touch melted my soul, tears started to flow endlessly from my painful eyes.

---“What happened, Boudi?”

My lips quivered but I could not utter a single word about what Himadri did with me.

---“You have talked to him, right. And after that you two had fight.”

I nodded my head “Yes”.

---“And what was his say about that?”

I shook my head gently “Nothing.”

He grinded his jaws together and boxed the bed to vent his anger---“I had some faith on my brother, but all are smashed. My dad is the main reason, he always preferred Dada to me. He was brilliant I was not. He was sent to ISM for engineering. I finished my graduation and asked Dad that I wanted to start my business, but he asked me to help him in his business. He climbed up the ladder of success and I drowned in the mud of goons and malignant web of this coal business.”

I saw the vengeance against his brother in his eyes.

His eyes were glistening my gaze was also hazy. He continued---“When you stepped in for the first time, I thought that everything will be alright.”

He shook his head in dismay---“Neither my dad nor my brother understood. Even my mom did not understand you. Only because she has no daughter so she acted as a strict mom-in-law. Boudi, enough is enough.”

---“NO, Niladri. You are not going to do anything like that.”

---“WHY?”

I gave a blank pale look to him and let out a deep exhale---“They are your own blood, family, Niladri. I am an outsider. I just want my life back.”

He shook his head---“But, Boudi you the most precious for me.”

I shook my head to express my helplessness and fear.

---“What do you want to do?”

I was out of my thoughts as what should I do? All those queries were painted on my pale face. Niladri read my face, my helplessness and he kept mum.

The winter on that year was too harsh on my mind and soul. Himadri acted that as if nothing happened between us. I was at my wits end as how can a beast behave like that even after diminishing me to such extent.

#

The ambience of the family gradually changed, especially the behaviour between two brothers. There was cold tension that prevailed between them. My in-laws were not aware of all those incidents so they never figured-out the reason of the coldness between two brothers.

#

[usaiha2]

By then end of December, the chill winds captivated my mind and soul. At times, I felt nauseated. At first, I thought that it was due to my ill health and psychological trauma. 


However, the week I missed my MP, it was evident that the seed was planted. No one touched me before that dark night; no one touched me after that even. I was carrying my angel in my womb. My precious angel was taking shape deep inside me. 

Day by day, with every passing moment, my hopes rekindled of filling my heart of being a mother.

#

I called my beloved Churni to break the news. She was very much surprised and she was unable to understand as how that happened. She knew about our relation, so she coaxed me to tell her the truth. With great pain and angst, I narrated the dark night to her. Her voice was burning, she asked me to return to her. She said that she would talk to Subroto Da and file for a case. I was living in some unknown fear that Himadri could harm my baby, so I requested Churni to be patient.

#

I was pale and all pains were dripping from my face. My mother-in-law noticed that. She asked me about my health. I broke the news with her that I was expecting. She was very happy, my father-in-law was also happy.

That evening, when my mother-in-law informed about my pregnancy to Himadri, he gave a bewildered look at me as if asking, “Is that my son?” I could not stand his filthy look. I slowly grinded my jaws and gave a vengeful look at him. That night before retiring, he asked me as to whom all I had informed about that incident. I said him that I did not mentioned about that night to anyone, but I was sure that he was not convinced. He made up by his own that, I had told Niladri and Maithili about that night. I did not try to make myself clear at that point of time, as it felt meaningless to me.

#

After few weeks, Himadri came home as a total different person. He was very tired, he came home earlier than usual. I was in the kitchen; he came directly into the kitchen. I was taken aback by his actions. He never stepped in the kitchen in past years. I looked at him over my shoulder; he gave a pleaded look at me. I was not in a position to forgive him or forget about that incident. I was very angry upon him the way he looked at me. There was only pain and revenge in my heart.

His voice trembled---“I need to talk to you, Suchi.”

His voice burnt in my ears. With a deep and calm voice, I asked him---“Is there anything left between us to talk about?”

He came near me and bends his head as if asking my forgiveness. He nodded his head gently “Yes”

---“What do you have in your mind? You betrayed me, you mauled me killed my soul. I am living as a corpse. What more do you want from me?”

He spoke in a pleading voice---“I want you back, Suchi. I want my old, Suchi and I will do anything for that.”

“Why? Is that because your girlfriend has deceived you again, that you came back to me?” I never came to know the truth, as I never asked him that question.

I looked at him with pain and tearful eyes---“We have nothing in common. We must walk separate paths, it will be better for both of us.”

He shook his head---“NO, Please, one time.”

I shook my head in dismay---“Please, I have nothing to say anything to you. I want to be alone.”

He clenched his fist and brought his face near mine---“I won’t let you go till my child is born.”

His last words seemed that he was acting. He tried to convince me but when he felt that I was adamant in my words, he threatened me.

Both my parent-in-laws told me that they wanted to take care of mine during childbirth. They were also very disturbed after my last miscarriage so they took extra care of mine.

#

Himadri was back to his old nature as usual; my mother-in-law also felt the numb feeling that was running between us. She asked me one day as what had happened. I made some lame excuse to avert her queries.

#

[usaiha2]

In the mean time, Niladri said to me that at Pallavi’s parents was searching for a groom for Pallavi’s marriage. 


My bitter past came in front of me and I stood helpless, unable to help those two lovebirds. I gathered all my strength one day and spoke to my mother-in-law.

She was shocked rather being a happy.

---“But, your father-in-law won’t allow any non-Bengali girl to be his daughter-in-law. You know that Suchi. You even know that, what happened when you wanted to do the job. We had bitter argument due to that. I don’t think this time your father-in-law will allow.”

I pleaded to her---“Just talk to him once. Please, not for my sake, but for your son.”

She assured me that she would speak to her husband and the way she gave a helpless look at me, I apprehended that those pleas would go in vain.

I told Niladri that I spoke to his mother about him.

---“What did mom said?”

---“Your mom said that she would talk to your father, but I can foresee that there will be bitter argument in our family. My life would be hell, Niladri. I am too tired Niladri to handle all these.”

---“Don’t think of that, Boudi. There is no confusion between us, so why do we need to take tension? Now you see what I can do.”

His abrupt gesture took me by surprise---“Don’t try to do anything stupid, Niladri.”

---“Himadri, is not going to help you or me. Right. So I have to take actions.”

I pleaded to him---“Please, Niladri, please do not do anything stupid which will affect me negatively.”

---“Ok, Boudi, but if I can’t marry Pallavi, then I will bring everything down.”

#

I felt disgusted upon myself, as someone was choking my throat and I was gasping for breath. I tried hard to fend off those invisible hands from my throat by I was so weak that I was unable to free myself from those strong clutch.

Maithili used to call every other day asking me to come back to my native place. On the other hand I also felt that, she had to take care of her cute doll, Nilanjana. I tried to persuade her that she was harbouring unnecessary tensions.

The winter passed by. With each passing day, I sensed the forgotten pulse inside me. That sweet ripples, although I knew that those ripples were my imagination but I felt those ripples inside my womb. It kept me alive. In all those turmoil and tension, I forgot about my “invisible letter”. I forgot that he was there standing in front of me with a sleek smile on his lips.

That eventful day was in second week of February. I was in the bathroom, when I felt nauseated. My arms showed goose bumps and I felt a chill ran down my spine. I held the basin to support myself and all of a sudden, I heard a knock on the door. It was Pallavi; her voice was tense. She gave me a remorseful look. Tears were running down her cheeks, I was inundated in utter grief on seeing that look on her face.

I was shocked to behold that look---“What happened?”

I heard wails of my mother-in-law. I heard hushed voice coming from the drawing room.

I screamed at her---“Tell me what happened.”

She was quiet, held my hand, and asked me to come to the drawing room. As I entered the drawing room, all the eyes were fixated in me. I gave a bewildered look to my mom-in-law. She nodded her head and broke in tears on clasping me.

An unknown qualm engulfed me. A voice inside my brain spoke to me that some mishap happened with my husband. I tried to ignore that trembling voice and gave a frightful look at Pallavi. Everyone was in tears saying nothing to me. My heart started to pound hard inside my chest. I could not keep my cool and screamed at Pallavi.

She asked me to sit and then she spoke---“Himadri Dada is no more.”

I looked deeply in her tearful eyes. She gently nodded her head “Whatever I she was saying was true.”

My heart did not trembled much after hearing that news. I closed my eyes, a few drops tickled down my eyes. There was less of pain and remorse in heart that time. It was filled more with helpless as to whom to fight.

I asked her in a very calm voice---“How that happened?”

In a shaky voice she told me---“He met an accident while he was returning from his office. The car was hit my truck and it is all mangled.”

I grinded my jaws and vented fire in my heart, but I gave a painful look instead, hiding my emotions of angst deep inside me. I veiled my anger with tears and penance look smeared on my face.

His battered body was brought at night, wrapped in white cloth. All my relatives were informed. My mother-in-law and other women slowly took out the iron-bangle from my wrist. I did not object or cried like insane. Few people fathomed that I has in choked in pain to shed my tears properly.

He was taken out of the house for the last time. I let out a final wail and a deep breath from my chest.

I was left in lurch about my future. I saw darkness creeping in front of me. I felt that there was no dawn going to come in my life. I felt that, I was going down in the quicksand of life. I tried hard to held any twig for life, gasped hard for breathe but I was drowning in an infinite black hole.

I sat silently in my room, surrounded with lamenting relatives. They were trying to console me for my loss; however, those words were not reaching my brain. I was only thinking about my future and my unborn angel that time. I had no time to lament for that person brought hell to my life. Niladri returned in the morning after cremating his only brother and he came directly in my room. His face was pale and was crippled with attrition. He looked at me, wanted to say something to me but he kept quiet.

That look made me to slap him hard and I screamed at him---“What you did?”

He held me in his arms and said---“Believe me, it was not me. It was accident, Boudi.”

---“You want me to believe? A lonely road, a truck collides with a car.”

He held me tightly in his arms and tried to persuade me---“Believe me, it was a freaking accident.”

I shook my head---“Just go away from my sight, Niladri. All those persons whom I touch, goes away. I am an ill-fated person, Niladri. See, what happened to your brother. The only path that is left for me is to take my own life.”

---“No Boudi, you will not do anything of that stupid. You have a life attached with you Boudi. He has done nothing.”

#

I asked him to leave me alone; I wanted to make out about my bleak future, which was filled up only with boulders and sharp stones. My heart bleeds, not for that loss but for myself. I tried hard to waive-off my pains and grief. My last miscarriage was due also filled up with my ill fate. At that time, I received the invisible letter, which made me writhe in pain. That time I could not control myself, because it was my heartthrob’s face that came in front of my gaze. I did not want to loose my newborn sapling so I tried to gather all strength left in my bleeding heart to overcome the loss and pain.

______________________________

pg 02

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[usaiha2]

Chapter 10: Flutter of Wings


--------------------------------

My relatives were numbered. ChotoMa and Babu arrived on the mourning ceremony day. We met for the first time after my miscarriage. She asked me as what I would do. I gave a blank look at her and asked her as why she was asking me such meaningless queries.

She told me that she wanted me to return to Kolkata with her---“Please ShonaMa, come back.”

I gave a pale look at her and answered---“You have come to take me back when I have lost everything in my life?”

She shook her head in intense agony---“I squandered off. I realize now, ShonaMa. My son never called me back. I don’t know where he is, I don’t know how he is.”

---“So you want to take me back because you have lost your son.”

She pleaded to me---“Please don’t make me feel guilty, I know I tried to separate you two and I see the outcome. Even in my worst nightmare I did not fathomed that the lives would be devastated like this.”

I could not control myself anymore---“Why have you come? You have made me hexed after you took away my life from me. Before that, I was a lively girl, ChotoMa. I used to be happy; I used to laugh. Now see, I have forgotten what smile is, I have forgotten what love feels like. See, what you have done to my life.”

She shook her head and guilt was dripping from her eyes.

She took my hand in hers---“You are grown up, ShonaMa…”

---“Yes I am, I was then also, when you took away everything from our life.”

Maithili was nearby with her cute little Nilanjana. Her baby was looking at me with her small eyes, probably trying to understand the harsh detrimental world around her. Subroto Da took Nilanjana in his lap and Maithili came near ChotoMa and sat beside her.

ChotoMa was at her wits end, she apprehended from her look that Maithili was not happy. She gave a helpless pleading look at Maithili. However, my sister-in-law was in no mood to control her angst.

She spoke in a fiery yet cold voice---“Ulupi Di, Paree is coming with me. You do not have to worry about her.”

I observed from ChotoMa’s facial contours that her heart broke with those bitter words from Maithili.

---“You have lost the right, Ulupi Di. The woman who stood for Paree, eight years back during my wedding has not changed in all these years. That day you showed your ego and stern nature. The same nature took away my precious sister-in-law away. You have lost the right Ulupi Di.”

The look that ChotoMa gave to Maithili, clearly suggested that she had lost her words.

I consoled ChotoMa---“Please leave me to my fate. I do not want anyone to shed more tears for me. Let me see what all happens here. I would like to go back to my native place and try to start a new life with my child.”

Our conversation ended in a cold note. ChotoMa and Babu returned on that day. Before they went away they requested my in-laws to take care of me, those came out from the corner of their bleeding heart. They truly loved me, but my anger deterred me to bow down before them on that day.

#

After few days, my sister-in-laws, Meghna and Maithili wanted to take me back. My mother-in-law told them that she would send me back after few months. I felt like breathing fresh air again in my lungs. They left contented and I relied on their words that at last I was going to be free from the clutch of that dark world around.

#

The tiny nucleus was taking shape deep inside my womb. I was in my first trimester. Demise of Himadri did not perturb me much as there was no steady relation between our souls. The only thought that harboured in my soul was about my unborn angel. I had to keep him safe and give birth to that tiny sapling to this world.

#

During night, the thirty-second invisible letter started to haunt me again. Whenever I used to close my eyes, I used to find him standing in front of me with outstretched arms beckoning me to his embrace. I used to sob and soak the pillow in the silent night. How could I meet him, I was a demolished woman then. I could not dream of him properly. He would be unaware of all the facts that made me to marry and what would be going inside his mind. Three long years had passed, he would have probably started a new life on his own and it would not be appropriate to harm another ones peaceful nest. However, he engulfed my blank soul time and again with his tearful eyes and invisible envelop.

#

[usaiha2]

From March first week, I started to pack my belongings. I wanted to return to my native abode and started a new life of my own. I wanted to shed my dark past that I spent as Mrs. Karmakar and lead a life alone along with my little angel. I made up my mind that once I could free myself from my in-laws clutch I would never return to Dhanbad.


#

My in-laws suspected my intentions. My mother-in-law started to ask me queries about my packing. I told her that I would like to go to my native place for few days. I hid the truth from them else, they would have never given the consent.

#

I asked Niladri as what was his intention about marrying Pallavi.

---“Boudi, I fear that my dad would give consent about our marriage. That day she came to our house as your school colleague. Nevertheless, my mother suspected her reactions about you. She asked me queries about Pallavi.”

---“So, what have you told her.”

---“I have to brace myself and start a new life out of this coal business.”

Suddenly a roll of film passed in front of my eyes. My heartthrob also went away to start a new life, he dreamt of taking his fairy along with him but our fate was against us. That ill fate was manufactured that did not let us unite. Few painful ripples brewed inside me while I thought of him. My eyes fluttered and lips quivered.

Niladri noticed my uneasiness---“What happened, Boudi?”

I bit my lower lips and controlled my erupting emotions---“Nothing, I got lost in some beautiful memoirs of mine.”

#

It was the fateful evening of March second week. I was in my room and was arranging my cupboard and putting my belongings in my suitcase. I informed Maithili about my intentions and she gave me the courage.

I heard some intense argument between my father-in-law and Niladri. I suspected that they were arguing about Pallavi.

But as I stepped out of my room, the ambience was very different.

Niladri pointed towards me and shouted to his dad---“See, what have you done to Boudi.”

I was astounded to hear him talking like that to his father.

He continued in his top of voice. My mom-in-law tried to persuade him to keep quiet. But he was rebellious in his words.

---“I know, how Himadri had accident. That was not an accident dad. You and your coal mafia’s killed him. You made me pawn and dug out coal from Jhamadoba colliery. It was an open secret in our business domain. Parashar Singh of Barakar knew this. He wanted to smuggle out coal from the same colliery along with supervisor. But he knew that due to you and Himadri he won’t be able to step in. That was his truck which collided with the car.”

My father-in-law sat on the sofa with a thud. A huge wave brewed inside my chest on knowing the bitter truth. Even after knowing that the accident was not by fluke, I was unable to lament properly. However, as a human being, tears came in my eyes and my chest shook in pain.

My father-in-law looked at me and said---“I am sorry, Suchi. My business took away your life from you.”

I spoke in calm voice---“I want to return to my village.”

He roared at me---“NO. You are not going anywhere. You will stay here with us; after all, you are my daughter in law. You are going to give birth to my first grandchild. I do not want to miss my grandchild this time.”

I shook my head in dismay and angst---“I want to do job and start a new life.”

---“I wanted a home maker Suchi, and that what you will be.”

I clenched my jaws upon hearing those words. My head was about to burst in anger after hearing him.

He looked at Niladri and hissed at him---“For you, I won’t allow Pallavi to be my daughter-in-law.”

Niladri could not keep his temper and screamed at him---“Do whatever you want I am going to leave this house forever and I will take my Boudi with me.”

He shouted at Niladri---“You can go wherever you want, but she is not leaving this house.”

My mom-in-law was all-silent during these heated conversations.

She spoke to me---“Suchi, I don’t want to lose another grandchild. I don’t want you to leave.”

---“But, I don’t want to live in a cage. Am I a furniture in your house that you would keep as a trophy? No, I have pulsating heart inside me, I want to live.”

She lamented on her helplessness---“I have no say for that, Suchi.”

“You keep your mouth shut, Rajani. Has anyone asked your opinion?” my father-in-law hissed at her.

#

I fathomed that the only way I was left with was to take my life. I did not want to bring my child in that dark world where there was no love, no compassion. I could not pose as a burden for Niladri. If I go away with him, then the society would create unwanted gags about us that would put our life in bitter fray.

That night after dinner, I braced myself inside my room for the last call. I looked around the room in which I was caged. The walls looked at me in a concocted gaze. I gave a painful smile to those walls and said “goodbye”. I gathered up myself, braced myself to take my life. My heart and soul writhed in pain. Very gently and with deep love, I caressed my womb, my sapling lying inside, engulfed in my blood and placenta, unaware of the dark world surrounded him. I looked at myself, there was no blood on my face, and my lips were dry. I placed my palms on my cheeks to see whether there was any life left or not, it was all cold.

#

I took a deep breath and took a glass, filled that with the bathroom cleaning acid and phenyl. I sat on my bed and I sobbed softly. My whole life came in front of my eyes. My house, the fields where I played, the fruit orchard where I used to run during summer to pick up mangoes, the pond where I used to swim, the roof where I used to sit with my doll, the puja room where my mother offered puja to her deity. Then I saw Abhimanyu’s eyes, I felt his first kiss on my forehead. My chest trembled violently as I sensed his lips on my forehead. I tried to keep that sweet touch forever with me but it went away. His signature gesture of saying me good-bye at Kalka station. His sniveled eyes when we parted in one rainy morning in July 2001. Every part of my colourful past came in front of my eyes.

I took a deep breath and stooped down to look at my womb. I murmured in my heart “I am sorry my child. I do not want to bring you in the dark world that has engulfed me and drowned me in its quicksand.” I cried and cried until my eyes were sore and red. I closed my eyes to take the deep plunge into the darkness of death.

#

All of a sudden I heard knock on the door, it was bolted from inside. I was astounded to hear the knock at that dead night. I did not expect anyone to knock my door at that point of time. I skulked in one corner of the bed, the knocking continued. I shook in one corner, the knock died down. I was shaking in fear. I walked to my table and placed the glass on that, suddenly the glass panes of the window broke. I was caught in fear when I saw a shadow on the window. My heart started to thump fast inside my chest; I was sweating profusely.

Niladri climbed down, a huge load came off my chest. But my heart filled up with disgust as he came between me and my intention. I was about to shriek on him, he came close to me and pressed his hand on my mouth.

He looked at the table, at the glass and whispered in my ears---“What is that, Boudi?”

I cried out---“I don’t want to live anymore Niladri, let me die.”

He pressed me hard against the wall and pressed his hands on my lips to shut me up.

I shook my head trying to tell him that I do not want to live anymore. His face was filled up with pain and angst.

---“No, don’t be stupid, Boudi. I want you to live.”

My soul was void, my eyes were sore. My breaths were faster with each passing seconds. I shook my head to express my loathe to live. He put his arms around me and asked me to sit on the bed.

---“I will fix everything, Boudi. I will fix my life and I will fix yours.”

---“How?”

He took out his mobile and called someone.

---“Raheel where are you? ….. Good, you are in Dhanbad…. Ok…… You do have car with you. …….. Ok…… Come at the back alley of our house in next ten minutes…… Oh! No Saima is also with you? Well bring her along with you…….. Yes……… I will give you whatever you want……. I want you and Saima just now with your car, Raheel please………..”


#

I was at loss of my thoughts as what all he wanted to do and what was going to happen. He asked me to keep quiet. I was tensed as he was not speaking anything to me. Tension was dripping from his face also as he was eagerly waiting for the person whom he called.

After some time we heard a screeching sound of a car to stop, behind the house. Niladri asked me to come with him.

I gave a bewildered look at him---“Where?”

---“Just go away, Suchi Di.”

For the first time he called me “Suchi Di.” I looked at him. His eyes were glistening in tears. He nodded his head---“Your brother-in-law died with Himadri, Suchi Di. I am one of your poor brother. Now go away.”

#

The window was small so he scooped me and helped me out of the window. A Maruti van was waiting outside. I saw a woman and a person. “That person must be Raheel,” I thought. A deep anxiety ran down my spine “Where was I going? What was going to happen to me?”

Niladri asked me to sit inside the car, I felt as if I was in some horrible nightmare. I was unable to gather as what all was happening to me.

Niladri said to Raheel---“Take my Boudi to your house. I will meet you tomorrow and then decide. But today you have to take her away.”

He told to the lady---“Saima, I am really grateful that you have come. My Boudi is three months pregnant; take care of her, please.” He folded his hands in front of Saima and pleaded her from the depth of his heart.

All those time, I sat as a stone in the seat, trying to fathom the storm that was going around. I gave a bewildered look at Niladri and asked---“What is this? What about you?”

---“I can take care of myself, Suchi Di. Please leave this house forever. I know my dad; he won’t allow to breathe you in fresh air ever again. He never will. I will handle whatever comes here. You leave this. I will meet you tomorrow I promise and I will bring your bags.”

Saima looked at me and smiled softly---“Don’t worry, Boudi everything will be alright.”

I was still dipped in confusion “Was that a devious act of Niladri? Was he acting like a brother and trying to bring harm to my life?”

He stooped before me and touched my feet all my bitter apprehension died.

I cried out I could not control myself and hugged him with all my strength---“I am sorry, Niladri. I am an ill-fated woman. The people whoever comes in my life, leave me forever.”

He sobbed in a deep groaning voice---“Live your life, Suchi Di. Go.”

#

The car zoomed out of Dhanbad, cutting through the dark night. Even the reflection of the head light was not returning. I sat as a cold stone effigy inside the car, with Saima beside me. She tried to persuade me. I was feeling very tense and all those tensions were coming out from my eyes in from of tears.

“What a turbulent I have. Even my life is all covered with darkness as the cold night.” I kept on thinking all these. I gave a bewildered look at Saima who was sitting beside me. She gave me a compassionate look. I thought, “Whether that gaze was going to deceive me again? What lies behind that look? I was going to a total unknown place with total unknown persons. Who were they? What were they going to do with me?” I was shivering terribly in cold. Saima hugged me in her arms and wrapped her shawl around me. I was sweating profusely in that cold night.

Saima fathomed my trepidation contours of my face.

“Apa, why are you shivering like that? You don’t need to worry about anything.” Raheel was driving the car, he said to me. “Niladri and I were best friends since childhood. He can do anything for me and I can do anything for him. You need not worry Apa. You are his Boudi and our Boudi also.”

I lost my answers; I was in tears as I heard those words. “No near and dear ones were around me. I was in behest of people whom I never knew. My life is like that.” I thought.

---“We live in Kulti; Apa. We are taking you to my house. You will be safe.”

Saima nodded and consoled me---“Boudi, don’t brew unnecessary trepidation in your heart. Don’t feel like that, please.”

#

Her soothing word acted as honey drops for soul. I tried to close my eyes. A sharp pain was attacking my head, I felt nauseated in arms of Saima. I swooned to slumber.

When I woke up, the car was passing through narrow lanes and by-lanes. I looked at Saima she was also sleeping. It was still dark outside. After sometime, we reached in front of a house. Saima woke up.

I asked Saima---“Where is this?”

---“Masjidia park, that is our house, Apa.”

#

A middle-aged woman came out of the house. Raheel said something to that woman. She gave me a compassionate look and ushered me inside the house. That lady was Raheel’s mother. I saw my loving mother, in her eyes. She took utmost care while I climbed the stairs. She took me to a room and asked me to take rest. She gave me some fruits and a tumbler full of milk to drink. My eyes were still wet with all those incidents. My eyes were full of curiosity; I looked around the walls. The room was small but very clean and few paintings of calligraphy graced the walls. I understood that they were pious religious people. Saima asked me to change my dress and take rest. Nevertheless, I was unable to sleep although I was tired. The deep anxiety kept me awake. I was engulfed again with unknown fear.

#

The next day, since morning I was feeling very uneasy. I sat cowered on the bed waiting for someone to bring some news. Saima entered with my breakfast, she looked at my weary contours of my face and sat beside me.

I asked her---“Have you got any news of Niladri?”

She shook her head---“No, my husband tried his phone since night but his mobile was switched off.”

A sheer grief engulfed me “What has happened to him?” I prayed to God “Please keep him safe.”

The whole day passed, without any news from Niladri. Every time, Saima or Raheel’s mother used entered the room, I asked them about Niladri. But there was no news of Niladri. My heart started to thump faster with each passing hour.

#

In the afternoon, when Saima came to me I asked her that I want to make a call. I wanted to call Maithili and inform her about my situation.

“Hello, Churni” My voice was shaking terribly.

She smelled my distress---“What happened?”

Somehow, I narrated the whole incident. She was shell shocked to know all those. She asked Subroto Da to come to Kulti to bring me back.

I wailed to her---“Please take me home, Churni.”

She persuaded me---“Please, stop crying and be strong. Everything will be alright. Your brother is coming to get you. How is your health? Everything ok?”

---“Yes, I am fine till now. But I am feeling very uneasy since morning.”

---“That’s all because of tiredness. Where are your belongings? What about those papers and certificates and all?”

In that hurry, I forgot to bring all those important documents with me. I shivered in grief---“I don’t have those. They are in Dhanbad.”

Her voice sounded in sheer dismay---“Insane girl. You should have brought those along with you.”

---“But all happened like a thunder. I was unable to understand for a long time that what all was happening to me. I was not even in myself, Churni.”

---“Ok, ok, ok…. Try to keep cool and return to me in one piece, Paree.”

I sobbed out---“How is Nilanjana?”

She laughed---“She is fine, waiting for her aunt to sing her a lullaby.”

I could not control my tears---“I love you Churni. Please get me out of this.”

---“Keep calm; Paree. Who is with you, give the phone to that person.”

I handed the phone to Saima, the spoke for some time.

Saima consoled me---“Your brothers are coming, Apa. Please take some rest, at least for the sake of your child, Apa. Everything will be alright.”

#

How could I keep myself out of those revulsions? I caressed my womb over my dress; my baby was sleeping deep inside me. I shed few drops of tears.

In the evening Saima informed me that my brother’s have started from my native place and were coming to get me. I felt huge relieve, I thanked her profusely from the abyss of my soul.

#

It was late evening, Raheel and Saima entered in my room. I got suspicious from the look of their face. My heart quailed; I soft groan bellowed out from my chest---“Where is Niladri?”

They shook their head and ushered Subroto Da and Shasanko Da into the room. I could not control my happiness as I saw them. I threw my arms around Subroto Da, hugged him with all my strength, and broke in tears. I felt like having the sky in my embrace when I saw my brothers. A huge

---“Please take me home.”

---“Ok, ok. We will go now. Keep quiet.”

---“No, just take me home.”

Raheel said to Shasanko Da---“Take rest tonight, tomorrow morning I will take you to Asansol. From there you can board train.”

Shasanko Da asked me about what all happened; I told him the whole story. He was furious upon hearing the whole episode.

---“I was helpless Dada, what could I do except taking my life?”

He was burning in anger; he said that he would file a security officer complaint against my in-laws. I could not think of anything at that time. I was agitated at the same time I was very fidgety about Niladri. “What could happen to him? I do not want anyone to be in grave for me.”

#

Saima and Raheel’s mother took utmost care of me. I was flattered by their hospitality. Every time she soothed my head, it reminded me of my mother and ChotoMa. Both loved me; however, their expression of love was different. ChotoMa was truly a mother figure to me, but her snobbery took away the happiness from my life and made me doomed for life. I cursed her that time for my doomed life. I kept of lamenting on my doomed fate. No words could soothe my demolished mental condition. Saima kept on consoling me that nothing would happen to Niladri or me. But an unknown jitter engulfed my soul that something might have happened to him, else he would contacted Raheel.

#

I spoke to Maithili; she was the only person in the whole world who stood as pillar for my battered life.

---“Your brother’s are with you, so why are you crying?”

I could not hide my distress from her, my voice trembled---“Niladri!!!!......”

---“Nothing will happen to him, he is old enough to look after himself.”

---“But you don’t know my father-in-law, he is dangerous, and what about Pallavi?”

---“Keep calm, Paree. I assure you that nothing is going to happen to them.”

I screamed at her---“How can you be so sure?”

She was well aware of my writhing heart---“I know that, simple enough. Take care of yourself. Too much of tension will put too much stress on you and your child.”

#

[usaiha2]

It was dead night; I was too tired to keep my eyes open. Saima was always by my side. We heard some commotion outside the room. I woke up with a jolt and stepped out.

The sight shook me till the bottom of my spine. Niladri was standing in front of me; his left arm was bleeding. Raheel, his father, my brothers and few others were around him.

I squealed at him---“What happened?”

He pressed his bleeding arm and looked at me---“Nothing, Suchi Di.”

A deep commotion engulfed my chest, my lips quivered on the sight of blood.

I slapped him on his face in pain and anger---“Can’t you call me? I was dying here. You left me in lurch and you vanished in thin air?”

He looked at me and said---“It is just a bullet, nothing else. I am all right.”

There was a huge hush around him.

Raheel’s father groaned---“(foul) who the hell has shot you?”

My brother’s were also tensed and tried to understand the whole episode.

Niladri handed me my bag and said---“This has your file and your jewellery box. That I found in the safe of your cupboard.

I was in tears on seeing his painful yet smiling face. I shook my head---“You are terrible. How and who shot you? Where is Pallavi?”

“She is safe. Don’t worry about her.” He turned towards Subroto Da and Raheel and said---“Suchi Di has to leave Kulti now.”

Both of them were astonished by his words---“What?”

He nodded his head---“My father is coming after her. His goons shot me on the way. I came somehow from Panchet and Sanctoria. But they are coming from Barakar end.”

#

I was frozen as I heard those incidents. I gave a terrified look at Subroto Da and Niladri. My brother’s were at their wits end as they were unable to come out with any thoughts. I was engulfed in deep fear as what would happen; will there be a bloody fight due to me? I prayed to God “What all are happening to my life. Please save my battered soul or beckon me to your peaceful abode.”

I was so gravely shocked that I felt my head to burst out. I felt jittery inside my tiny painful soul.

I said to Niladri---“Let me meet my fate, Niladri. Why should so much blood be shed due to me?”

#

All of a sudden a voice roared, it drowned every commotion around. It was the voice of Raheel’s father, Haji Abdul Muntaqim Hussian.

He tied his black and white checked keffiyeh around his neck and said---“I pray to my Lord five times a day. I bowed in front my Lord in Mecca. My prayers cannot go in vain. I promise, if any one touches this child, instead of water blood will flow in Barakar river.”

I shook in my brother’s arms on hearing that roar. I was in sheer fright to voice something. I looked to those angry faces who were showering their solaced gaze upon me.

Raheel’s father placed his hand on my head and said---“Don’t worry, child. Nobody can touch you.”

His father asked Raheel---“Call Ahmed and ask him to bring his Safari. Call Munaaf and Yasin, to be here.”

#

Everything was happening so fast that I felt like I was in a deep caliginous nightmare; he would come out of nowhere and nudge me softly. I would wake up and find that I was sleeping in his arms. Alas, what all were happening; were all-true. I begged for mercy on my poor soul.

#

Niladri was trembling in pain that was burning in his arm. I was unable to stand the sight of his cricked face. I tied my duppatta on his arm and shook my head---“You have taken so much pain for a doomed lady.”

“It is my duty, now go.” He gave a pleaded look to Raheel. Raheel turned towards his father.

#

We boarded the car of Ahmed. Raheel and Saima also accompanied with us. His father along with a pack of people armed with weapons boarded cars.

Niladri came towards me and bend down to touch my feet. I felt a stir in my heart as he touched my feet; I sobbed as I touched his hair and kissed his forehead. I could not utter anything to him. He looked at me with tears in his eyes, his voice shook---“Go away, Suchi Di. Fly. Live your life.”

My lips trembled; I controlled my tears---“Give my love to Pallavi. Take care.”

Raheel’s father asked Niladri to stay back, but he was adamant to face his destiny.

He looked at me and said---“It is my father, I have to face him.”

He tucked two Beretta 92 in his belt at his back and started his Yezdi. That was the last time I saw Niladri vanishing into the dark night along with others.

Our car started on its way back to my house, where my new life and my sister-in-law was waiting.

=============END OF PART 2 ============

______________________________

[usaiha2]

Part 3: Rise from ashes

---------------------------

Chapter 1: Optics Notebook
-------------------------------


“Pupu what are you doing? Do not go there. You are becoming naughty day by day.”

“What type of name is this, Pupu?”

“You gave her the name, Pubali, and this is just a nick name.”

“No, this can’t be a nick name for such a sweet doll.”

“Then what to call?”

“I will call her as Papri.”

“Hmmmmm……. That is a sweet name. How you get those names from that brain.”

“(Faint smile) She is such a cute doll. It is her time to play and run.”

“It reminds me of our old days.”

“(hearty laugh) don’t tell me that you remember those days when you were three years old.”

“How is all going?”

“(after a small pause) Till now ok. But I have to go away.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want to be a burden for my brothers.”

“Stay with me.”

“(faint painful smile) You cannot feed me and my child, life long.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I want to do some job. May be a school teacher and keep myself engaged with my child.”

“(a painful sigh) How all these happened? Still I am in shock.”

“(a deep breath, gentle shaking of head) All my doomed fate. No one to blame.”

“Hey, do you remember the night?”

“Which one?”

“Seven years ago, same time, this bed. You and him. You were feeding him like your child.”

“(faint smile) I have not forgotten a single second of those seven months. Even now when I close my eyes, I see that he is standing with his arms stretched, beckoning me.”

“Do you want to have the diary back?”

“(exclaimed shriek) You have that still with you?”

“How can I destroy? You told me to give that to him, but he never came?”

“What?”

“Yes, he never came to take that back.”

“(anxious voice) He called you? What did he asked? How is he? Where is he? Is he in Delhi or again he has left India? Did he cried? What was his reaction after you told him about me? I want to know everything? (sobs …… )”

“Wait, wait, wait, (a little pause) Yes, he called.”

“And then…… What did he said?”

“He called at night. It was very cold that day. Pupu and … Oh sorry! Papri was sleeping by my side. Dipankar answered the phone. He asked me to speak to him. He sounded very happy that he returned to India. He asked about his Grand Aunt, Maithili and Subroto. He asked about us. I told him that Pubali was born to me. He was almost in tears on hearing about my baby. Then I told her about Parvati Boudi and his Grand Aunt. He was shocked; he was shaken. He sobbed on the phone.”

“He did not ask about me?”

“He kept that query to be asked at last, as he knew from his heart…...”

“(Voice trembled, chest shook, sight hazy) what he knew…”

“You know very well what he knew.”

“What he asked and what did you say? What he did after that?”

“(a deep breath) He lamented that he was unable to support you during those dire times. I told him that Maithili had new telephone connection. He asked her telephone number. He said that he would talk to her and ask for her forgiveness from the abyss of his heart. He would do anything for her and Subroto…”

“And, then …. When did he ask about me?”

“Yes, after that he asked about you… He sounded so confident, that I lost my voice to answer him. He said that you might be teaching somewhere. You might have become more beautiful and elegant as a teacher. He joked that your students and fellow colleagues might have passed comments on your dimples.”

“(surprised voice) really, he said so…..”

“He asked whether you were still living at his home or your native place. That question was the toughest question of my entire lifetime. He was babbling like a child and I was sobbing on the other end. He heard my sobs. I could not make what was going inside him. All the energy of his voice, died all of a sudden. He asked me whether something bad has happened to you or not. I said no, I said you were fine.”

“Then…..”

“He fathomed everything from my sobs and when I said you were doing well. He asked me whether you received his letters or not. I said him, that you received his thirty-second letter only, rest were burnt to ashes by his parents. He hissed and cursed his parents. He apprehended that you were married off. He only said a single sentence before keeping the phone.”

“What….”

“He will not interfere in anyone’s life. Nor his parents neither yours. He sounded very cold.”

“He never asked you, how was I or where was my in-laws house?”

“No. Do you think, those answers were meaningful to him?”

“Not even, out of curiosity? Did he call after that day?”

“No, he never called me after that day. But for once he called Maithili.”

“Did he leave his contact number with you?”

“No, he called on my landline so I was also unable to detect his contact number.”

(an endless silence in the room, only the sound of heart thumping inside the chest could be heard along with sweet babbles of Papri.)

“Can you give me that packet back?”

“Sure take this.”

“You know, this Laughing-Buddha, he presented me at Nako during my first trip. Then I had nothing to give him, so I pierced my index finger with his blade and he sucked me finger. A tiny drop of my blood was my present to him. He was in tears, so was I. I stole this diary on the last night, just to read what he wrote about me. I could not return to him.”

“(a deep sigh came out of chest) He is again lost.”

“My fate, every time he tries to come near, somehow he goes far away from me. I don’t want to separate that name from me.”

“Means…”

“This optics notebook, I will keep with me all time. I will name my son, so that I can call that name anytime and every time. (Voice was choked) I don’t want to separate anything of him from me.”

“(a gentle smile) How do you know that you will give birth to a son?”

“Oh! Come on just like that, but I feel from the depth of my heart that I will bear a son.”

“But it is very hard to lead a life alone with a child.”

“(A deep sigh) Not hard as my past years, so I will manage.”

“(A sweet babble) Maaammaaaaa banana …… mammmaaaa banana ”

“(a hearty laugh) She talks too much, how sweet. I am taking her with me. She will stay with me tonight.”

“Ok, but if she cries at night it is up to you how to keep her quiet.”

“Ah! Come on she can sleep with me, no problem.”

“She will ask about her mother at night, and then you will understand. She will keep you awake till middle of the night.”

“(hearty laugh) Already Titli does not let anyone sleep peacefully. These children, who born during daytime; keeps awake during night. What type of logic is this, can’t understand?”

“Yes, both of the girls were born in day time.”

“By the way, how are you doing this time?”

“Fine. Expected is first week of August. However, my doctors studied my old reports and checked me. They said that they will stitch the opening of my uterus in eighth month so that no more mishaps.”

“Take care this time.”

“Yes.”

“How is Dushtu? Is he talking to you? During your marriage, he was very quiet.”

“He is doing well, grown up, understands everything. Next year he will be in class ten. He was very close to my heart. He is very good boy. I know, he was very sad and for the next four years he did not called me for a single time.”

“How is he doing in his studies?”

“Good, he is good in maths. But he wants to study history. In that one week, Abhi stole everyone’s heart, Parvati Boudi, my mom and Dushtu.”

“And what about your ChotoMa and Babu?”

“No I am not going to contact them, after what they have done to me.”

“But, now the situation has changed. They might be lamenting also about their deed. So why not keep in contact with them?”

“No, I don’t feel so. Let the time heal, currently I am not in a state to tie strings with them.”

“(puerile voice) mammmaaaa…… chocolate…..”

“See, now she wants chocolate.”

“Ok, I am taking her with me. If she cries then I will call you at night.”

“(laugh) You will have a tough night tonight, I am sure. Titli and Papri will just pull all your hair from your head.”

“(heartily laugh) Taking some cues about my future situation.”

“You will be able to return alone to your house? Shall I call Dushtu?”

“Probably he has not returned from his school till now. I will be ok.”

“Your new nickname is so sweet. Papri. Ok take care, and if you need me at night just give a call.”

I was again happy, to get my life back. Maithili took utmost care to heal my scars. But those scars were so deep that I used to find hard to sleep during night. I used to sleep alone in my room. His thoughts used to keep me engaged for most of the nights. I used smear a faint smile every time he came in front of my open eyes.

#

I returned along with Papri (Pubali, daughter of Kalyani) to my house. All the way, she was babbling like a naughty girl. She was scratching my cheeks and head. I enjoyed those sweet soft touches. I was laughing at her. Maithili laughed at me on seeing Papri on my lap.

---“So, you are praticising how to keep your sleep at bay.”

I laughed at her---“Titli keeps my sleep away for most of the time.”

---“Don’t say that, she do not sleep with you.”

---“Ahh… I hear her cries and how could I sleep when my sweet niece is crying.”

She looked at the packet in my hand---“You have brought those? Why? I thought you might want to forget all those?”

I shook my head and smiled at her---“That is the most beautiful thing I got in my life. How can I forget those days and times.” I paused for a little---“He called you but you never spoke to me.”

---“Ok, times were different then, Paree. So I never talked about that.”

---“I want to know what he told you.”

---“Keep calm. Later after dinner, I will speak to you. By the way Dushtu was asking for you.”

---“Why?”

---“I don’t know. He laughed at me and said that is strictly between aunt and nephew.”

I laughed at her and asked where he was. She said that he was in the backyard.

Maithili took Papri from my lap. Naughty Papri gave a juvenile naughty smile at both of us.

#

I walked towards the backyard of our house. I observed that Dushtu was standing beneath the mango tree.

I asked him---“You were searching for me?”

He nodded his head and pointed to the tree---“See, this year, this tree will bear fruits.”

I looked up, the mango flowers were blooming at it full. The flowers covered most of the leaves.

I smiled at him and asked him---“What does this means?”

He came near me and threw his arms around my neck---“My aunt is going to have smile in her life again.”

I slapped playfully on his head---“How that can be?”

---“I can smell the fruits. I am happy that you are again with us. This time you will not leave me, right?”

---“Dear, we have to go. It is getting dark.”

---“Promise me, this time you are not going anywhere.”

“Ok, I will not go anywhere.” However, I had to leave him, to lead my life of my own. Differences poured in shortly.

#

[usaiha2]

That night after dinner, Papri was sleeping by my side. I opened the diary and the old smell of yellow pages made me nostalgic with those colourful dreams. I read his poems, his nonsense poems made me laugh again. Then I read about all those he wrote in his diary about our meet. I laughed when I read what he thought of me. How he looked at me on the first day. How he felt after kissing my forehead. I was reading and laughing at him. I felt that he was standing by my side, by my bed and looking at me. I was heartily enjoying all those lines when Maithili entered my room with my medicines. She looked at me and gave a naughty smile on seeing me reading the diary.

---“So again engrossed in old days.”

I nodded at her and smiled---“Yes, that naughty fellah wrote some nasty words about all of us.”

We both laughed at peak of our voice. She knew very well as what all was written about her in that diary. She was red-faced and looked deeply in my eyes.

I smiled at her red-face and nodded my head on remembering that incident---“You naughty girl. Can’t keep anything to yourself.”

She joked at me---“Please, don’t say those words. I feel really ashamed about what I did that evening.” She sat beside me---“He called me the same night he called Kalyani.”

I was very eager to know as what he spoke to her---“What did he say?”

She took a deep breath; her eyes glistened. I asked her as why she was looking so remorse.

She shook her head in dismay and pain. She took my hand in hers---“I am very sorry Paree.”

I could not understand a single word of her as why she was asking my forgiveness---“What happened? What did he say?”

---“He said only one sentence. Virtually he cursed me. I lost my words and I cried after that.”

I shrieked at her---“What did he say?”

“Churni, you must be the happiest person on this earth to find your words bear the fruit.” Both our eyes were soaked in tears. We kept looking at each other’s face for a long time. We both lost our words. “Paree, I never meant those words to be true. Paree, I do not know how those words became so much true. Please forgive me.”

I consoled her---“Leave those.”

---“I repent for my words”

---“I know.

#

“I tried to tell him that I was very sorry for those words but he disconnected the call before I could speak.” Maithili was in tears and so was I.

I let out a deep exhale from my chest. I felt a huge load to come off my chest all of sudden. May be because in my subconscious mind, he virtually cursed Maithili and probably that news poured some respite for my pains.

She sat beside me and joked---“So what did he wrote about me in that diary.”

I constricted my brows and gave a naughty smile, in spite of tears in both of our eyes---“Really you want to know?”

As if we both were enjoying those words.

She snatched the diary from my hand---“Oh! Sure. I want to know what that rascal wrote about me.”

I looked at her with veiled anger in my wet eyes---“He is not a rascal.”

---“Sorry, dear. I did not mean to hurt you.”

---“Oh! No he is really a rascal. He wrote several things about me also.”

She gave a naughty smile at me---“Ummmm… Then I must read.”

“NOOOO” I shrieked, my face was red hot with shame and coy.

She joked in the same tone with me---“Please, please…..”

It was after seven years, I was laughing like a young girl. I was breathing fresh air in my lungs again. I asked Maithili to bring Titli in my bed, then we could make enjoy of what all was written in that diary, for whole night. All his writings about rejuvenated us for the whole night, we both laughed, blushed and cursed both of us same time.

#

My days passed, reading the “Optics Notebook”, walking past the mango tree and nurturing my angel who was sleeping safely in my womb, waiting for the opportune time.

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