Non-erotic Dawn at Midnight By Pinuram - {Completed}

[usaiha2]

##


One evening Sumanto Da came to me and asked me to sign few court papers. I asked him as what has happened. He told me that those papers were of mutation and it was of my share of the property. I looked at his face as he handed those papers to me. I grazed my eyes over those papers once and then signed those papers. The house was breaking I felt. 

Already after Subroto’s marriage, the kitchen was divided and then I felt the walls building up on the compound.

#

On the last night before the vacation was to end and I had to return with ChotoMa, my Mom came to my room.

I was lying on the bed on my tummy and was preparing some notes.

My mom came and sat beside me and rubbed her palms on my back.

She asked---“So have you got your answer?”

I was so engrossed in my books that I looked up at her face and shook my head and said “No.”

She smiled at me---“I am not asking about your Physics. I am asking about the question that I asked you on the first day.”

I dug inside my head and then said in a confirmed voice---“If you are with me, then I will wait till the evening of my life till I get him back.”

She smiled painfully at me and said---“Well then. When he calls you or contacts you. First you ask him to meet me. I want to talk to him alone and then I will talk to your ChotoMa.”

I hugged her. My heart answered on that day, that he would return for me.

ChotoMa came to take me back. My Mom’s face was sullen. Everybody looked sullen on that day, as if I was going for the last time. I told everybody that after my final exam I was going to come back and stay with them.

Dushtu came near me and whispered---“You haven’t kept your word this time also.”

I could not answer his queries, all I could do was to board the cab and leave silently, hiding my gurgles brewing inside my chest.

For next few months, I tried Suprotim Da’s number but every time I had the same answer from there “Please check the number you have dialed.”

##

[usaiha2]

--


One night after dinner, I was in the drawing room watching TV.

I overheard some conversation which I could not understand that time.

Babu---“What can we do, she is definitely contacting someone.”

ChotoMa---“This is really disgusting. How can she contact?”

Babu---“Probably she hasn’t contacted. I once checked her mobile but there was no international call.”

ChotoMa---“Then what is the meaning of all these?”

Babu---“I fail to understand as what are these.”

ChotoMa---“Better we don’t talk about this. But where is he currently? He called a year ago.”

Babu---“Hmmm… I know, but after that he has not called. Neither on the landline nor on her mobile.”

ChotoMa---“Should we ask Paree?”

Babu---“No, have you gone mad. Let that be, between us only.”

ChotoMa---“But I miss my son, same time I can’t leave her also as I have given word to her mother.”

Only thing that I could fathom from that conversation that he had not contacted me on mobile neither on the landline. There was a big question that crept in my brain “What was he doing? How was he? Has he forgotten that his love is waiting for him?”

Every passing day, the ray of hope faded inside my heart. I tried to pour oil in the lamp to keep the flame burning, every moment.

##

[usaiha2]

Classes started, the final exam was few months away.


There were free periods in the second half that day. I had to complete my practical, so I was totally engrossed in my work. I forgot to bring the lunch on that day. There were few students in the class. Neither Teesta nor Delisha was there. Debobroto was also not there.

Time was flying by; I lost the count of time.

Suddenly I felt a nudge on my shoulder. I looked up with big surprising eyes to find Debobroto looking at me. There was an angry look in his eyes.

“Lady Vidyasagar. Skipping lunch won’t make you first in the class.” He pushed a sandwich in front of me and asked---“Eat this.”

I smiled at him and asked---“Who told you that I am hungry?”

---“Your face, idiot. Don’t ask anything just eat this or I will bang your head.”

“Why are you doing this to me?” I asked him.

He paid no heed to my words, unpacked that sandwich, and pushed that in my mouth. I was taken aback by his actions. I got choked.

I screamed---“You Swine, you are hurting me.”

While he pushed the sandwich, his left hand fingers grazed on my chin. He was laughing at me on my angry look.

I heard few footsteps at the door. I looked at the door with my mouthful of sandwich. I saw Teesta looking at us. There was a pain in her beautiful eyes. Her eyes glistened on seeing his hand on my chin.

I pushed his hand from my chin and looked down to my practical book.

I said to Debobroto---“Go away. Leave me.”

She quietly came near me and sat beside me. I was unable to look at her face. She stooped down, rested her head on the desk, and kept herself very silent. I could hear her heartbeat and her pulsating breath.

I looked over my shoulder and shouted at Debobroto---“When are you going to leave?”

---“Why?”

---“No periods are there now, so why are you waiting?”

He took his bag and approached my bench. He looked at both of us. Teesta had her head still on the bench.

He asked as what happened to her.

I asked him again---“Why are you waiting?”

He whispered---“I was waiting for you.”

I observed that Teesta clenched her fist under the table as she heard him say those words. Debobroto was unaware of her reactions as he was standing there.

I said to him---“I will go home later after finishing the practical notes.”

He joked at me---“Well, this class is for everyone. I will sit and won’t disturb you.”

I clenched my jaws and said to him in a commanding voice---“Just leave the class. Now. If you have nothing to do.”

He could not understand as what made me so angry that day. He gave a blank look at my face as he walked out silently.

I placed my hand on Teesta’s back. Her back trembled like a small twig caught in a storm.

I took her face between my palms and wiped few drops from her cheeks. Her eyes were closed.

I asked her---“Why have you not told me before?”

She sobbed out---“What should I tell you? He does not even look at me. He still feels that I am the same old Teesta. I am not the same, Mita. I am trying to change myself for him”

I shook my head---“You insane girl. Why haven’t you proposed him yet?”

She almost cried out---“He always looks at you. How could I know; what was in your heart?”

“My goodness!” I said to her. “Ok, I will handle this before I leave this college.”

She gave a queer look at me---“What about you?”

I told her the truth in a single sentence---“I don’t have my heart with me. Someone stole that long ago. So what I don’t have I can’t give that to anyone.”

I paused for few breaths and said to her---“Don’t ask who was he or where is he. Just be contented that my heart is not with me.”

She hugged me tightly and hid her face on the curve on my shoulder.

I assured her---“I will do my best, to bring you two together.”

[usaiha2]

Few weeks after that incident; the M.Sc. final exam schedule were declared. The study break was about to start. The last period was over. I looked around and arranged my notebooks in my bag. Teesta was still sitting inside the class room. I asked her whether she was going home or not. She said that she would wait for some more time. I smiled at her and walked out.


In the corridor, I saw Debobroto was walking towards me. I smiled back at him and was to cross him.

He suddenly held my wrist and pulled me. I almost fell on him and was taken aback by his actions. A gush of hot blood rushed in my head. My bosoms were pressed on his masculine broad chest. He didn’t let my wrist go from his strong clutch.

He brought his face near me and said to me---“I have to say something before the end of the session.”

I looked at him with my big eyes. I anticipated that that was going to happen someday or the other.

His warm breath was flooding my face as he stooped down and looked deep in my big eyes.

I could feel his heart pumping fast inside his chest as it was crushing my soft bosoms. I felt a warm unruly sensation to run down my whole serpentine frame.

I controlled my anger, at the same time I felt to melt by his touch.

He lowered down his voice and said to me---“I have bought a bike and I want you to be the first lady to sit on the pillion.”

I clenched my jaws to control all the feelings of attraction that was probably peeking and threw away those from the corner of my heart. “Was I getting carried away?” I told to myself in that fraction of second. I gathered myself up and pressed my hand on his broad chest. Pushed him aside and gave a fiery look at him.

---“You should not do this to me Debobroto.”

He pleaded---“Why? What is wrong with me?”

I shook my head---“There is nothing wrong with you, but there is something wrong in me. I can’t give you what you seek for. There is someone waiting for you.”

It was his turn to get surprised---“Who?”

I held him by his wrist and pulled him inside the class room. I looked at Teesta. Her eyes were filled up with fear, pain and bewilderment.

I pointed to Teesta and said to Debobroto---“She is waiting for you. Go and live your life.”

Debobroto gave a bewildered look at me---“And you?”

I shouted at him---“What me? Can’t you see in her eyes? Go. She is your long lost fairy.”

I came near Teesta and handed his hand in hers. She was almost in tears. I felt the gurgle in Debobroto’s chest as he held her palms tightly.

He looked at her glistening eyes and said to her---“It took five years for you to understand me?”

She was sitting on the bench so she had to throw her arms around his waist. He pressed her head on his tummy and they melted away. Debobroto gave an admiring look at me and nodded his head to express gratitude.

I touched Teesta’s cheek and said her---“I kept my word and now don’t let him go.”

I looked at her face, smiling and filled up with gratitude. She was about to unclasp him and hug me. I signed her not to come near me. I wiped the corner of my eyes and walked away from there.

I closed my eyes, I saw on my right that a white unicorn was trotting towards me. I looked on my left I found a tiny sapling growing on the ground. I turned towards the sapling and put my left foot forward, crushed that tiny green sapling and then waited for the unicorn to come near me and touch my neck.


##

[usaiha2]

My M.Sc. final exam was just over. I was very happy, as I knew that I would come out with flying colours. I was also happy that at last I would be able to free myself from the ivory cage of the emperor and the empress. The princess at last sensed the air of freedom.

One fine summer morning when no one was present at home, I called my Mom.

---“Ma, my exams are over I am coming back to you.”

Her voice was choked as she heard her daughter’s voice saying her that she would return to her lap---“Yes. Paree I am waiting.”

Her motherly concern flowed from her throat---“Now return to me lap my child.”

---“Yes Ma, now on whatever I do, I will do from my native place. I will search job and be with you, Ma.”

She asked me---“Have you got any news of Abhimanyu?”

I took a deep breath and then said to her---“No Ma. He has not contacted me yet, but I am sure he will come. I will wait for him, Ma. I know that by my heart that he will come back.”

---“Ok. So when are you coming back?”

---“Within few weeks.”

She gave good news to me---“Kalyani is expecting a child.”

I was surprised to hear that---“Really, I will call her just now.”

After talking with my Mom, I called Kalyani.

---“Congratulation! When did this happen?”

Kalyani’s voice was low; I felt she was also very happy---“Two months ago. I missed the last period then I was bit skeptical. But when I consulted doctor then I was certain.”

I was very happy, everything was going very well.

I almost screamed---“I am coming back to village. I will look after you.”

---“Surely I am waiting for you.”

I called Teesta after that.

---“Hey how are you doing?”

Teesta was bit surprised to hear my jovial voice---“You are sounding very happy today.”

---“Yes, I am going back to my native place.”

She was taken aback on hearing that. She screamed at the other end---“Means? You are leaving Kolkata forever?”

I calmed her down---“I am leaving that does not mean that I won’t be in touch with you.”

Her voice was low---“I want to meet you. Now.”

I calmed her down---“Ok. Before I leave for village, I will meet you. I give you my word.”

“Promise.” Her voice was shaky.

---“Promise dear.”

I told to ChotoMa that I would goto village for a change. She didn’t object. I didn’t disclose my real intention to her. My real intention was to break that chain and fly forever. I knew that very well that if I stay at their house then I would be married to someone else. I won’t be able to wait for him. More than seven hundred and thirty days had passed I heard his voice. Every night I used to take out his “Optics Notebook” and wrote my memoirs, my longings, my sleepless nights, my kisses. Every page I wrote bore marks of my red lips. Few pages also bore the wet marks of my dew drops those fell from, according to his writing “lotus buds”.



______________________________

PG.: 01



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[usaiha2]

Chapter 9: Cord snapped

---------------------------

ChotoMa was busy in buying gifts for my Mom and other family members. She was also happy as she has at last met what she promised my Mom. She was happy to see my smiling face. But she was unaware of my real intention.

The eventful day was approaching when I would enjoy my twenty-eighth monsoon on this Mother Earth. That day was to come in forty-five days from then.

With every passing day I asked myself the same question “When are you going to come? I am restless now. Your thoughts are killing me with every passing second. I spend sleepless night tossing on my bed. I remember each and every moment of the fighting we had on the first night, and I laugh. I remember those sweet kisses and the first night at Chitkul. Come quickly, I am waiting for you, my Unicorn. This time I want to ride with you and roam on those grasslands, over the meadows, on the valleys beneath those high pine and cedar trees. This time I won’t fly away. I just want to ride with you, walk by your side. I want to feel your strong arms around me. I want your warmth in the cold night.”

One day Debobroto called and asked that he and Teesta wants to meet me.

I asked him---“When and where?”

Teesta was by his side, I could hear her voice as she yelled out---“Now.”

I laughed at her and asked Debobroto to hand over the phone to her.

She asked me---“I am not going to wait for long. We both want to meet you.”

It was very hot and humid outside so I asked them to come to my house.

Both of them arrived after few hours. I looked at Teesta; she was dressed in a simple cotton salwar. She had her braids flowing nicely till the mid of her back. No ponytail.

I smiled at her and contracted my brows “What happened to you?”

She gave me a coy look and pointed at Debobroto ---“He doesn’t like me in those jeans and tops.”

“Oooooooo….” I looked at Debobroto and asked, “That’s nice. So how are you two going along?”

Debobroto clenched his jaws as he looked into my eyes and said---“I don’t know what type of person you are. I thought I know you very well but I failed to understand you in these two years. Since you are older to me and ….”

I looked at him and asked---“And what?”

“And nothing, I don’t have words as what to express and how to express” he looked away hiding his emotions.

Teesta rubbed his back to douse his emotions. She looked at me and said---“He is telling the truth. We both have lost our vocabulary as what to express. You are out of this world person. Can I ask you something, very personal although?”

I sensed as what would be the question so I guarded myself well and said to them---“I know very well as what you are going to ask. Don’t ask you won’t get the answer from me.”

Both of them nodded their head and said---“Our best wishes will always be with you. You will surely meet the person you are waiting for.”

I smiled at them and said to myself “I know that dear. Just I am going through a trough of time.”


Mid June, on one fine summer morning. I was in the kitchen preparing breakfast for ChotoMa and Babu. ChotoMa told to me the other night that she would visit my Mom on that day.

I was very happy. The phone rang.

ChotoMa answered the phone and screamed. Her voice choked. I came running from the kitchen on hearing her shrieks.

---“WHEN, HOW. NO….”

I felt a huge tremble rattled the coast of my chest. I stood there holding the chair in my clutch. I looked into those flooding eyes of ChotoMa as she looked at me.

My eyes were hazy, my chest gurgled out.

I cried out to ChotoMa---“What happened?”

She did not answer my question.

She bit her lower lips and said to the person on the phone---“NO we are coming. Just keep her there. I don’t want my child to goto crematorium.”

I clutched the front fabric of my dress, ran to ChotoMa, and asked as what happened. Her silence was killing me.

She kept the phone and threw her arms around me, hugged me tightly. She was uncontrollable.

She called out Babu and asked him to call the cab.

I was still not sure as where I was going and what happened to whom.

Babu asked ChotoMa as what happened to whom.

She was unable to speak. She pressed my head on her bosoms and said to Babu---“My Aunt…. Call the cab.”

When I heard “My aunt” from her shaken lips, I turned into a stone. I closed my eyes. My whole life got drained on that single word from ChotoMa’s lips. The whole world shook. I dug my face on her lap and I do not remember what happened after that.

When I opened my eyes, I found myself on the bed.

Teesta and Delisha were by my side. They both took me in their arms, but I was turned into stone. I lost my speech. Both of them somehow dressed me.

For the whole journey to my home, I kept very quiet. Danish brought his brother’s car.

ChotoMa and Babu were in the cab.

I came out of the car, like a stone effigy. I looked on the courtyard. My beloved Mother’s frame was dbangd in a white cotton cloth, lying peacefully under the Holy Basil plant.

##

[usaiha2]

After few hours she was taken away from the courtyard forever. I was unable to cry or to say something. I was unable to breathe properly. I felt a huge boulder on my chest, under which all my feelings, my pains, my tears were buried. I was unable to remove that boulder to express my tears.


The whole eleven days, my youngest sister-in-law, Maithili was by my side. She nursed me, took care of my broken heart, tried to stitch that but she failed. She tried to mend those holes but those were of no use. I was turned into stone, I was unable to express my feelings. I confined myself in my room for eleven days.

Every one of my family members was present on the eleventh day of the mourning ceremony. Indrani Di and Chandrani Di said to me that I was in good hands of ChotoMa and Babu.

No one would ever know the truth. No one would believe my words that my life was like a beautiful princess living in an ivory cage.

Only I knew where I was going.

The day before, I was to return back with ChotoMa and Babu, I went to the tree he planted in the backyard. I plucked a twig and wrapped that in my handkerchief. I took a fist full of the earth from the ground beneath the tree and tied that in my handkerchief.

I kissed the trunk of that tree and then I cried out---“Abhimanyu, your beloved Paree died today.”

At least till few days ago there was a faint ray of hope. It faded away forever.

My umbilical cord, the last cord snapped away. 

I was then at mercy of ChotoMa and Babu. 

I waited to meet my fate.

======== END OF PART I ===========

[usaiha2]

Part 2: Blistered Feet

--------------------------

Chapter 1: Fairy Surrender

------------------------------


The princess returned to her ivory cage. She returned with broken heart, lost hopes. She observed that the mast of the old wooden ship vanished on the separator of the horizon. The unicorn never touched her shoulder, never neighed after that. She looked back for the unicorn. It was nowhere to be seen. There was a dark could overhead.


##


I turned twenty-eight on that August. I crept in my shell and confined me to my room. I was unperturbed about the world around me. ChotoMa and Babu were very much worried about my health. I was unable to come in terms that my Mother was gone. I was unable to come to terms that my Unicorn was lost. All the rays, glimmer everything burnt in the pyre with mother. She never expressed to ChotoMa as what she actually wanted. The unicorn, my thief never came back or contacted me.

The “Optics Notebook” never came out of the bookshelf after the demise of my mother. It was of no use to me then.

One evening ChotoMa came to my room.

She said to me---“Paree, I am like your mother.”

I nodded my head “Yes you are like my mother but not my mother.”

I gave a painful smile at her and asked---“What do you want from me now?”

---“Why are you asking me like that? What can a mother ask from her daughter?”

“I wanted to be your daughter-in-law and not your daughter” instead I asked her---“Are you searching for groom?”

She nodded her head and said---“Yes. Both I and your Babu were thinking of that.”

I gave a disturbed look at her---“But I want to be a teacher? What about that, you promised me?”

She sat beside me and rubbed her palms on my cheek---“We will surely search for a groom who will allow your further studies or will allow you for job.”

---“So you want to get rid of me as soon as possible? Is that so?”

She scolded me---“Don’t talk like that. I am not getting rid of you.”

I gathered all my courage to fight for a last time. I had my back on the wall, I had nothing to lose then.

---“You know very well that I have nowhere to go. I do not want to marry now. I want to go back to my native place.”

Her voice burned---“You can’t go back. Who will look after you, your brother’s? No, they have their own families to look after. Even they will try to get rid of you. You know very well about the intentions of Indrani and Shasanko.”

I gave a helpless look at her “Are you emotionally blackmailing me?” I said to her that I need some time to think.

She said that she had already advertised in the leading newspapers of Kolkata.

Someone poured boiling oil on my head then---“Don’t you feel to consult me for once?”

She kept her voice very calm---“What we are doing is for your better only, Paree. We know what will be good for you and what is bad for you.”

I took a deep breath and requested me to be left alone for some time.

I sat cowered on the bed, resting my face on my knees looked out of the window. The sky was gloom. Monsoon was still then lingering on the sky of Kolkata. I lost all my hopes, as there was no communication from him till then.

Every evening there were numerous calls. I observed that Babu and ChotoMa were busy in noting all the information in a diary. I paid no heed to what all was happening. At times, they asked me as what type of groom I wanted in my life.

##

[usaiha2]

One day I said to them---“ChotoMa, I will repay your debt by doing my duty. I am not your own blood and flesh and even after that, you have done a lot for me. But….”


They both looked at me and asked “What?”

I held my breath for few seconds and then said---“For once, can I go to the room in the second floor? I want the key.”

They were taken aback by my request. They looked at each other’s face.

Babu said to me in his roaring voice---“No. You cannot go to that room. That is locked forever.”

I gave a displeased look at them and said to them---“If you are so adamant in marrying me off, then why are you searching so much? Just get anyone and I will marry.”

I slammed the door behind me. My brain was burning in angst and pain.

I cursed him with all worst words I could think of that day “He is treacherous. He does not have a heart in his chest. He is a lost soul.”

I was awake on my bed, looking outside the window. I was unable to sleep. There was a huge vacuum inside my heart. Nothing was able to fill that vacuum. I rubbed my bosoms, my cleavage to douse the pain. But every time I touched myself, the pain grew stronger.

  ##

It was probably midnight; I heard a soft knock on my door.

I got up, opened the door, and was surprised to see ChotoMa standing at the door.

She handed me the key of his room on the second floor and looked at me with her painful eyes. Her eyes were glistening.

She wiped few drops of tears from the corner of her eyes and said in a low voice---“Go. But I want a positive answer in the morning.”

I nodded my head and took the key from her hand.

I tip-toed to the room in the second floor. I took a deep breath to control a turbulent wave that was brewing inside my chest. I bit my lower lips as I anticipated that when I will open the door he would be standing in front of me. I unlocked the key and pushed open the door. The room was closed for two long years. Not even air was allowed to dwell in that room. The turbulence reached my throat and my chest shook like a candle flame.

There was stench odour in the room. I found a dead rat under the table. There was dust all over his reading table, over his bed. The bed sheet was not changed in last two years. I found lizards and rats goo strewn all over his bed. The side-stands of the bed were covered with the cobwebs.

I pushed opened the windows.

I dusted the chair and sat beside the window. I clenched my fist and bit my fingers between my teeth. My eyes got soaked. I wiped that aqua drop from the corner of my eyes. “I don’t want to cry.” I told to myself. The day before that fateful day, he was painting my portrait. I sat there in that very posture for quiet sometime. I looked inside the room. My eyes tried hard to search him whether he was still sketching my portrait or not. No, he was not there.

I opened the drawer of his table and found a small wooden box. I opened that box and found several small glass marbles in that box.

I looked around the room for one last time, closed the windows. I closed my eyes; a solitary drop of aqua trailed down my left cheek and soaked the tip of my nose. I locked the room. Burying all his reminiscences inside the room, behind me, I climbed down the stairs.

I came down and found that ChotoMa was sitting in the drawing room waiting for me.

I handed her the key and said to her---“I don’t have any choice. Wherever my fate takes me I will accept that.”



##

[usaiha2]

That night, once I was inside my room, I wrapped the “Optics Notebook” and the small Laughing Buddha that he presented me at Nako, in brown paper. I tied that packet with cello-tape and red ribbons. Then I searched for a cardboard box and packed that. I sealed that box with wax.


##

I told my ChotoMa that I wanted to visit Kalyani. She did not object.

I gave the packet to Kalyani.

She asked me as I handed her the box---“What is this?”

I looked at the box and said---“This contains some worthless materials. This contains his diary and a small present. These are now worthless for me. I do not have the courage to destroy that. If you can keep this then keep this or else you can destroy this. ChotoMa and Babu are searching for a groom for me. I will get married soon.”

She looked at me and yelled---“What are you doing? If he comes back, then?”

I shook my head in utter dismay---“After two years, you think he will come back for me? NO he is not coming back. He has forgotten that he loved someone. He has forgotten that someone is waiting for him. He ditched me. He is a coward, heartless fellow. He has forgotten that he has his parents who are also crying for him.”

She shook her head and looked at me with tears in her eyes. I did not have any tears in my eyes then. My ears were although burning in angst. My nose flared.

I asked her---“Why are you shedding your tears for an ill fated girl like me? You should not. You are going to be a good mother.”

She looked at me and said---“Paree…”

That name, choked my voice. I said to her---“Kalyani, Paree died long ago. It is Mita sitting in front of you.”

She touched my shoulder. That touch made my heart go meek in pain. I could not control myself anymore. I sobbed out as she pressed my head on her shoulder and rubbed my back.

I sobbed out repeatedly---“Paree died. She died that day he left me. She died again with my mother. I do not have enough life left to die. I will meet my fate, whatever it comes.”

I did not go to my house in my village that day. I returned the same day to Kolkata.

Before returning, I said to her with a painful smile---“I invite you in advance at my wedding.”

She rubbed her womb and said to me---“He is kicking. I don’t know whether I would be able to attend your wedding or not, but Dipankar will surely go.”

I passed my days as a lifeless corpse. I forgot to smile, I forgot to laugh.

##

[usaiha2]

Few days after that, ChotoMa said to me that they have to attend a wedding and I had to accompany with them.


I understood that they want to arrange an acquaintance with some prospective groom. She asked me to dress in my turquoise coloured silk saree. She asked me to dress beautifully.

I could understand as what all was going to happen so I did not objected to what all they asked me to do.

  ##

That day after a long time, I felt to dress. I felt that I should wipe out my fears, my pain my angst, and lead a new life. I said to myself “Why should I wait for someone who has not thought of about my pains.”

I dressed in my beautiful saree, with short-sleeved blouse of same color. The saree had silver and white embroidery all over the upper loose end that covered my front part. I tied my hair in plaids. It was long enough to touch below my spine. I glued a light blue and dark blue dot between my whip like brows and painted my rosy lips under dark tan lip colour. I applied black eye pencil under my eyes and shaped up my long eye lashes. I took out those long gold earrings, which ChotoMa bought few weeks ago for my wedding. I tied the heavy gold necklace around my neck that ChotoMa presented me when she first met me at Subroto’s wedding. Few turquoise and white bangles adorned my thin right creamy wrist. On the left, I tied the titan watch.

I took a deep breath and looked myself in the mirror.

I smiled on myself---“Suchismita, you are looking very beautiful.”

That day, I felt to make him jealous. That day, no one touched my shoulder or complimented me.

As I walked out of room, ChotoMa and Babu looked at me and smiled.

---“You are looking very beautiful.”

I smiled back and said---“Can we go now? I know the reason very well, ChotoMa. I am twenty-eight and I have brain in my cranium.”

She smiled and shook her head---“Whatever I am doing I am doing for your good only, Paree.”

I was about to say to her “Paree died, ChotoMa. The person standing in front of you is Suchismita.”

But I restrained myself.


##

[usaiha2]

At the gathering, I was always by side of her as I was unknown to all the people there. It was wedding of one relative of Babu.

As we entered, many persons turned their face towards me. Most of the males were giving a courtesy smile by looking at me. I smiled back at them.

I was introduced to the bride and the groom. I wished the bride for her well being.

I was left alone after sometime, so I sat on a chair on the balcony, looking up the dark night sky.

Durga Puja was near. The sky was bereft of rain clouds. There were stars twinkling. As I had nothing to do so I started counting the stars to kill my time.

 ##

My counting was broken as I heard someone to cough near me.

I looked up to find as who was there.

I saw a handsome person, probably of my age. He was tall, clean shaven. His jaws were strong. He was wearing a brown suit. From his built, I could fathom that he was a strong bodied person with muscular figure.

He looked at me and joined his palms to express courtesy to me.

I stood up and returned back his courtesy by joining my hands. I felt bit uncomfortable by his sudden presence.

His voice was very masculine as he talked---“I am Niladri Karmakar.”

I hesitated little and then smiled back at him---“Suchismita.”

He nodded his head and said---“I know that. Your Mom said to me.”

“My Mom?” I thought at first and then I was clear as he pointed to ChotoMa.

I looked at ChotoMa, who was standing at a distance talking to some aged person.

He continued---“My brother is manager in Jhamadoba colliery near to Dhanbad. Do you know Dhanbad?”

I nodded my head---“Yes I have heard of Dhanbad.”

He pointed to the person talking to ChotoMa---“That is my father, Kamalesh Karmakar. He is very renowned coal contractor in Dhanbad.”

---“My brother’s name is Himadri. He passed out from ISM Dhanbad. You know ISM, Indian School of Mines?”

I nodded my head again “Yes”.

He continued---“You have done M.Sc. in physics. Right? My brother also is very bright. He is mining engineer. He passed out in nineteen-ninety-five.”

I calculated his brother’s age in my mind he must be thirty-two years of age. Same time I thought, “Why he was talking about his brother instead of himself.”

He then asked me to sit on the chair and then he lit a cigarette.

He said then---“My father is looking for a beautiful bride for him.”

I smiled to myself “Oh! No, so all these were for your brother?”

He probably understood why I laughed---“No, no, no. I am only twenty-eight years old. I might be of same age as of yours.”

We both laughed out as he found my face turning red in shame. I looked the other way to hide my coy face.

He joked at me---“So, what do I call you? Suchismita Boudi is a very long name to call.”

I could not stop laughing. I joked at him---“I am still not your Boudi.”

He pointed out to ChotoMa and his father and said---“The way they are talking to each other. I am sure they want to finalize your marriage in the same fire here.”

I was feeling very light hearted. I was enjoying the way he spoke.

I asked---“Where is your brother?”

He slapped his forehead---“Work, work and work. He should have seen you. I am sure he will forget his work then.”

Again, it was my turn to hide my coy face. I bit my lower rosy soft lips to control my brewing smile.

He bent towards me and looked at my smiling face and said---“My brother is surely going to die.”

I felt bit uncomfortable by his over friendly actions.

I turned back to see what ChotoMa was doing. I saw that they were standing just behind us.

ChotoMa signed me to touch that aged man’s feet. I bent down to touch his feet to express my regards.

He touched my head and said---“I was looking for a Lakshmi for long time. I think my search is complete now.”

I looked down, to my feet to hide my pains which came in my eyes.

I told to myself “So this is fate. I am getting married at last. Total unknown horizon beckons me.”

That person told to ChotoMa---“It would have been better if Himadri would have been here. We have to come again to see my daughter-in-law.”

ChotoMa asked him---“This time please bring your wife along.”

Babu came near us and took away Niladri and Niladri’s father along with him.

ChotoMa touched my chin and said to me---“He is a nice person. His son, Himadri is an engineer.”

I looked at ChotoMa’s face and gave a faint smile “So you have at last find a way to get rid of me.”

Before leaving the venue, Niladri came to me and said to me---“We are coming next Sunday. I am sure that you will be my Boudi.”

I smiled softly at him and looked the other way. In reality I was unperturbed of what all was happening around me. Everything seemed fake. All those smiles I gave all those happiness I showed.

##

[usaiha2]

After we came back, Babu told to me that they would come on next Sunday to finalise the dates.


I nodded my head and said---“Is there any need to get acquainted with the person I am marrying?”

---“Sure, you must get acquainted with the person.”

“I am already a pain to you” instead I said---“If you are all happy then I need not know, with whom I am getting married. Just tell me that on this day, I have to sit there in front of the sacrament pyre. I will oblige to every order.” My voice was cold and unperturbed.

ChotoMa said in a painful voice---“Please, Paree. At least don’t behave like this on that day.”

I clenched my jaws---“Leave me alone.” I slammed the door behind me.

  ##

The fateful Sunday arrived. As usual, I bathed in morning and dressed in a simple blue salwar kurta. It was morning ten o’clock. I was in the kitchen preparing lunch. Several dishes were prepared. ChotoMa helped me to prepare. Tiger prawns, fried rice and many more. While preparing those dishes for a single moment I told to myself “He was a simple fellow, with simple choice of food. Pulses and rice would contend him very much.”

The door bell ranged. Babu went to open the door. ChotoMa came into kitchen and asked me to wear saree.

I said to her---“If they choose me, then they would choose me not for my dress. I am not going to wear saree and sit there like a doll.”

She scolded me in a deep voice---“Go and change now.”

I clenched my jaws and walked to my room. I saw a middle aged woman in the dining room.

She looked at me and said in a soothing voice---“You don’t need to change. You are ok in what you are.”

ChotoMa signed me to touch her feet. I stooped to touch her feet.

She placed her palm on my head and said---“Just like I wanted.” She asked me to come along with her to the drawing room.

  ##

I looked at ChotoMa and said to her---“I need a moment.”

ChotoMa gave a displease look at me and said---“Don’t be late.” She came near me and whispered in my ears---“Don’t let us down, Paree.”

I nodded my head and assured her that “I won’t let you down.” Instead of my room, I went into the restroom and looked my face in the mirror.

My reflection said to me “So there you are at last. Smile and embrace what is coming to you.”

I said to my reflection, “This is a lifeless frame, who is doing her duty.”

  ##

I entered the drawing room and looked at Himadri. That day Niladri did not come. There was his parents and the groom with whom my fate was to get bounded for life time.

I joined my palms and offered my courtesy to Himadri. He stood up and joined his hands back.

In a fraction of seconds, I measured that Himadri was just few inches taller than me. If he walk beside me then I would look taller than him. I lost few pounds then.

He was dark brown in complexion. Probably his work nature had made his skin tanned. Front part of his head was bald. He had a thick moustache, black lips. His nose was wide, not chiseled as him. His tummy was slightly protruding out between the open blazers.

I sat on the opposite couch. His father asked few questions about my studies and about my families. I answered them quietly.

Then he said to ChotoMa---“We are looking for a homemaker.”

He asked me---“What do you want to do after marriage?”

I looked at ChotoMa and then at Himadri.

I pulled all my strength and spoke---“I always wanted to be a teacher.”

All the time Himadri was very calm and quiet. He was measuring me with his keen sharp eyes.

I gave a courtesy smile at him, without looking directly in his eyes.

Babu asked his father that they should leave us alone.

  ##

[usaiha2]

My heart started to beat louder, then. I felt that my chest would burst out and the blood would get spilled on the floor. My face turned red as I had to sit in front of a total unknown person like a ivory idol.

After they went out, there was a long silence in the room. I could hear my heart beat cutting the painful silence.

Himadri coughed to break the silence running between us and asked---“You passed out from Presidency this year?”

I nodded my head to say “Yes”.

---“Renowned college.”

I nodded again “Yes.”

I had my fist clenched, resting on my lap. I looked down to the centre table, on which I could see the reflection of his face. His eyes were fixated on my face.

---“Suchismita, is a long name. What should I call you?”

I felt not to answer that query, so I kept quiet.

His next sentence made me laugh---“What do you love to do except keeping silent?”

I bit my lower lips as my face turned red in coy. I looked at him directly with my big eyes.

He was smiling at me. Our eyes met for the first time.

He said to me---“Don’t take my father’s word seriously. I assure you that I will not oppose your ambition. I know some schools in Dhanbad where you will be able to teach Physics.”

I was very much relieved by hearing that.

I gave a grateful look at him and nodded my head “Thanks”.

He smiled at me and said---“Why don’t you say something about yourself? Niladri has told you about me, already. But I am still to hear something from your lips.”

I spoke calmly looking at my lap---“I have nothing to ask. If you have something to ask, you can ask me. I will try my best to satisfy you with my answers.”

I took a deep breath, there was no feelings running inside my brain. I sat there unfazed unperturbed.

He noticed my silent calm expressionless face. He looked at my face for a long time. Again, there was a long silence running between us.

I thought that I should say something---“I hope you will not leave before lunch.”

He bent forward and rested his elbow on his knees and his face came near me---“So you cook also?”

I gently nodded my head “Yes.”

---“Then I will surely not leave before lunch.”

I liked his way of conversation.


##

[usaiha2]

I was praised for the lunch that I prepared. A fake smile was always on my face as I was requested by ChotoMa to behave well.

 
 ##

After they went away, I came to my room and sat on the bed. I looked outside the window. My mind was totally blank. I was unable to think of anything that time. My future was then like a barren desert, I did not know whether there would be oasis in that desert or not.

ChotoMa came and sat beside me. She asked me---“Do you like him or not?”

I was disturbed by her question, she already knew what I like and what not. Even after that she was asking me such question.

I gave a blank look at her and said---“If you all have made up your mind then what can I say.”

She said to me---“His father is a renowned person in Dhanbad. They are rich. He is engineer also. I had several other matches for you. IAS, IPS but I wanted that you at least do not go far away from me. Dhanbad is only six hours distance by train. You can visit me anytime. I can visit you anytime.”

I nodded my head---“It is ok.”

She touched my cheek and asked me to smile. I gave a faint painful smile at her to keep her request.

  #

I came to know form ChotoMa that Himadri’s house was in Hirapur in Dhanbad. He lived with his parents. He had a younger brother Niladri who helps his father in his coal-contractor. His mother, Rajani Karmakar was a house-wife.

  ##

Maithili and Meghna were informed about my marriage.

My sacrament was fixed in mid of December on that year.

I called Kalyani one night to inform her about my marriage.

She was quiet for some time and then said to me---“I won’t be able to stand before your sniveled face. Dipankar will attend your wedding.”

I clenched my fist and softly banged my forehead and sobbed out---“Who can stand before a girl’s fate? We are women, we have to sacrifice. We were born to get sacrificed.”

She kept the phone.

I could not sleep that night. I did not shed any tears also.


 ##

[usaiha2]

Next morning, I was very much surprised to find Maithili in my house. When I woke up, I found her in the drawing room talking to ChotoMa.


She looked at me and pushed me inside my room.

She constricted her brows and asked---“What are you doing, Paree?”

I was bewildered by her gesture and gave a blank look at her. “What happened?”

She pulled my hand, pushed me on the bed, and asked---“You are marrying, what about him?”

I looked down and gently scratched the bed-sheet---“What else can I do?”

She pulled up my face. My eyes were already dripping painful tears.

She pulled my face on her bosom and said---“Tell me where he is. I will arrange everything. You go away. I will handle whatever happens here.”

I shook my head and sobbed---“I have no place to go, Churni. He has ditched me.”

She wiped my tears and said---“Don’t ever say those words that you have no place to go. I am always with you, Paree. Whatever be it happens. But I am helpless like you. Indrani Di, Chandrani Di and your brothers, they think that what Ulupi Di is doing is good for you.”

For the first time, I saw her eyes glistening with love and pain simultaneously.

I threw my arms around her waist and sobbed out---“My Mother is no more. He has not contacted me still. I do not know where he is or how he is. I have no place to go, Churni. His fairy has surrendered to her fate.”



______________________________

[usaiha2]

Chapter 2: Sacrament Flames


-----------------------------------

From the first week of November, I sensed the rumble building up in the house. I started to count my days left in that ivory cage. Same time I was unable to console myself that I was getting freed. I was unaware in every sense as what type of horizon beckons me.

  #

One night Himadri called me on my mobile.

---“How are you, Suchi? Have you slept already?”

I got a new name, “Suchi”, for my in-laws.

I answered---“No. I was about to goto bed.”

He hesitated for a moment and asked me---“Can we meet this Sunday?”

---“You will come from Dhanbad to here?”

---“What is the harm? I have few unanswered queries. Just need to clear with you and also we need to understand each other. Right Suchi? A single acquaintance does not speak volumes.”

---“Why don’t you come to my house then? ChotoMa and Babu will also be happy.”

He joked at me---“Feeling insecure?”

I was unfazed on his reactions---“No. But I have to ask ChotoMa.”

---“No need of that, I have already talked to her. She will let you go. I will come to your house and then we can go out somewhere.”

I answered---“If you have already taken the permission, then there is no need to ask me. You have not asked me whether I would like to go or not.”

Probably my answer offended him a bit. I also felt that the answer was little rude.

I apologized to him---“Sorry. I was bit rude.”

---“Come on, Suchi. Don’t be so formal.”


  ##

[usaiha2]

On that Sunday, he took me out. I was in blue salwar suit. I dressed myself in total simplicity. Without any heavy makeup, I tied my hair in a soft bun. He was in a pair of blue denim and a white shirt.


We were sitting Aheli in Peerless Inn.

He asked me---“ChotoMa is your cousin sister, right?”

I nodded my head “Yes”

---“So why do you call her ChotoMa?”

---“She is like my mother.”

He nodded his head “Ok. I have to tell you something about me”

I looked at him and constricted my brows. I was skeptical as what was he going to divulge.

---“I drink a little and smoke also.”

“Ok” I nodded my head. “I think that is due to your work pressure.”

He smiled at me and said---“You understand everything.”

I smiled back at him.

---“Where would you like to go after our marriage? I have heard that you love hill station, so would where would like to go?”

I spoke softly---“No I don’t love hill-station. My head aches due to the serpentine narrow roads.”

I lied to him, I did not want to go to any hill-station, and the hills would remind me of my lost Unicorn.

“Ok then we will goto Andaman then” he smiled. “I was also thinking of going to Andaman for a long time.”

He paused a bit and then asked a question.

He asked---“Your ChotoMa has a son. Where is he? Is he going to attend your wedding?”

His query shook the root of my heart. I clenched my fist under the table so as the emotions do not overcome my smiling face.

I looked down to the plate and shook my head “I do not know.”

---“Ok. By the way what colour would you suggest for a car?”

I was surprised by his question. He looked in my face and asked me again.

I asked---“You are buying a new car?”

---“Yes I am. Maruti Baleno.”

I understood from the sly smile that the car was a dowry, given to him to buy my security. A thick stream of blood raced to my head. My nose flared up.

I said to myself “What all debt I have to bore on this small painful heart.”

I told him that I was not feeling well and I would like to return.

He obliged to my request and took me back.

After he left, ChotoMa and Babu called me in their room. There was file opened in front of him.

He showed me few papers and said---“These are some papers.”

He handed me a account book and said that---“It contains some bank balance in your name, which your mother deposited for you.”

He then handed me few fixed deposit papers and said---“Your property share has been sold of seven lakhs rupees. I have added more three lakhs and that make it a total of ten lakhs rupees.”

I sat on the bed and looked at those papers and then I asked to ChotoMa---“Are you giving a car in dowry?”

ChotoMa looked at me and asked---“Who told you?”

“Tell me the answer. Are you giving a car or not? Is that car is the price of my security?” My voice sounded very stern when I asked them.

Babu spoke in a persuading voice---“Paree, it is not a dowry. We had to gift you something special as we looked after you as our own. I thought that why not a car. Half of which he is going to take loan from his office.”

“What more burden of debt you all are going to put over my shoulder?” I spoke in a cold voice.

ChotoMa rubbed her palm on my head. I was very uncomfortable at that moment.

I yelled out at her---“Leave me. Do whatever you want, whatever you like. No need to consult me or ask me even.”

Few days after that, Himadri and Niladri came to our house. We all went to a Maruti Suzuki showroom in Park street. Himadri asked me as what colour would I prefer for my car. A Maruti Baleno was to be presented to Himadri. “Present or price for my security?”

I smiled and said---“I have no choice of colours. Whatever you feel better, you can have that.”

He hugged me gently by my shoulder and said---“Come on! Suchi. White or black? Black is better.”

Niladri said---“White is good, but the scratches will be easily noticed. Lets prefer the steel colour.”

He looked at me and said---“After all Boudi’s choice has to be preferred. What is your choice?”

I nodded my head like a timid girl and gave my acknowledgement for the black colour, so as not to hurt Himadri. His gaze was expressing that I should choose black, whatever be it in my mind.



##

[usaiha2]

On second week of November, Maithili arrived at our house.


She stayed by my side till the moment I sat before the sacrament pyre and I was “Mrs. Suchismita Karmakar”.

Shopping was on its full fledged mode. I did not accompany in any occasion of those shopping. Only once, I accompanied ChotoMa when she went to buy the red “Benarasi” saree. ChotoMa and Maithili did most of the shopping. I kept myself busy with the house chores and reading books. I could not think of anything. Most of the time my mind went blank.

I called Teesta and Delisha and informed them that I was getting married. They were very happy to hear that news.

  ##

One day Debobroto and Teesta arrived to my house. We all were sitting in my room, Maithili was also present.

Teesta asked me---“So at last our Mita is getting married.”

An unknown fear and pain wringed inside my chest.

Maithili looked at my face and answered to Teesta---“You are her friends, right.”

Teesta could not understand as what she meant to say. She nodded her head “Yes.”

Maithili gave a blank reply---“Nothing as such. Just asking”

 #

One evening, ChotoMa and Babu called me to their room. They asked me to sit as they need to tell me something very important. I looked at them and was anxious as what would they say.

ChotoMa spoke---“Paree, we both know what we are doing for you. We have something to tell you as you will be stepping in a new realm of your life.”

I asked them---“What?”

ChotoMa said to me---“Just by meeting for few days, we cannot know how a person is or how the family is. This is the truth. Everyone has got a mask on their faces. As we keep on moving in our lives, we come to know about those persons.”

I was not clear as what they were trying to make me understand so I asked again---“Why are you telling these to me? I know that where I am going is a total new horizon for me. I will try my level best to cope with their family.”

She soothed my cheek and said---“Why I am telling these, is. Himadri works in a coal mine and stays with his parents. His father is a coal contractor. So it is hard to say how their mentality would be. But we all hope for the best. You have got a good bank balance and fixed deposits. Don’t divulge all those details, till you find a appropriate time. Understood?”

Tears almost engulfed my eyes. I looked at Babu and said---“You fixed my marriage and now you are saying that you are not sure as what type of family they are?”

I bit my lower lips and looked at ChotoMa and said to her---“What do you want me to do?”

She touched my palm and said---“Be quiet, don’t cry. After your marriage all I want that, you need to pester Himadri so that he can take a transfer to Kolkata in head office of Coal India Limited. You will be near me, in-front of me.”

I shook my head in dismay, clenched my jaws “ChotoMa, what are you doing? You have lost your son that does not mean that you can take away another son from his mother like this.”

She probably understood what I wanted to say---“Paree. Whatever I am saying is for your good only.”

I sobbed out---“ChotoMa, you know very well what was good for me. Please don’t hurt me more.”

Babu was unable to take anything more so he left the room.

ChotoMa took my face, her eyes were also hazy---“What you ask for, I can’t oblige that. That is a not done, Paree. Why don’t you try to understand? Everyone will curse me.”

I removed her hand from my face in angst and pain---“Please leave me.”

I walked out of the room, wiping my tears. My heart was paining.


 ##

[usaiha2]

Gradually the close relatives started pouring in. Indrani Di and her family arrived few days before my wedding. Chandrani Di also arrived with her family. Shasanko Da, Meghna and Dushtu also arrived.


The day Dushtu came, I was unable to meet his queer juvenile eyes. “Did he understood what was going inside my heart.”

He asked me once---“Abhi uncle is not coming?”

I ruffled his silky hair and shook my head “No.”

At last the d-day arrived. Monday, second week of December. The house was rumbling with guests.

A hall was booked for the wedding ceremony. A hotel was booked for the groom’s party.

The music of shenai was humming in the air all over the house. I was virtually pulled up from my bed in early morning. I was unable to open my eyes.

ChotoMa and few other elders came and said to me. That they would offer some puja and after that I won’t be able to take any food till the rituals are finished.

Maithili winked at me and assured me that she won’t keep me hungry that long. I gave a faint smile. Only she understood what was going through me.

 ##

In the morning, Niladri came with the turmeric paste from the groom’s house. The turmeric paste was to be applied on me as a part of the ritual.

My relatives were very much happy when they were applying the turmeric paste and sandal paste on me. Maithili gently rubbed the paste on my cheek and hid her eyes over my shoulder. One by one other ladies also applied the paste. I was taken for bath.

I came out from the bathroom in a turmeric yellow saree. ChotoMa looked at my face and touched my chin. ChotoMa came and made me wear a iron bangle, auspicious sign for every married woman. I walked inside my room slowly. I observed that Teesta and Delisha has also arrived. I smiled at them. Both were looking beautiful and was enjoying my wedding. They were unaware of my pains.

I went to the drawing room, once. The moment I stepped into the drawing room, my feet got nailed on the floor.

A huge painting was gracing the wall of the drawing room. ChotoMa was looking at the painting.

The painting was of the theme of Death of Socrates. Socrates was a great scholar, he was being given the hemlock venom by the guards of prison. With one hand he was accepting the hemlock venom and with the other he was explaining the philosophy to his students.

What a painting it was. I was dumbfounded as I saw the painting. I looked at the corner of the painting. The signature was of him. “Abhimanyu, dated nineteen-ninety-one”.

ChotoMa was missing her son very much. I understood that as she was wiping her eyes as she stood in front of the huge painting. I clenched my jaws and closed my eyes. Slowly I turned my back and I didn’t entered the drawing room.

##