Fantasy Susan Takes Charge by TMaskedWriter

[Ramesh_Rocky]

Story :- Susan Takes Charge

Written by TMaskedWriter

By Special Guest Author Susan Bailey and T.MaskedWriter


"Help me if you can, I'm feeling down.
And I do appreciate your being 'round.
Help me get my feet back on the ground.
Won't you please, please help me?"
-The Beatles, "Help!"

[Ramesh_Rocky]

Susan Takes Charge Pt. 01

Hi, my name's Susan Bailey. It's been a while; how've you been? A number of things have changed for me since then.

I'm still the Permanent Third member of Troy and Julie Equals' marriage, that hasn't changed. Although, since we've been spending more time in San Finzione, lately, I've had to explain it a bit less. When we're in Seattle, people don't seem to grasp the idea of how and why our situation works. When we're in San Finzione, people just say "Oh, they have a French arrangement," and everyone gets it.

They've taught me the secret of mind-control, although Troy's ethics lessons about it are a "for life" deal. They're aware and supportive of the fact that, whether through a hyperactive imagination or borderline mental issues, there is a trio of women living in my head; two of whom are best described as aspects of my personality, and that the third makes me some kind of psychic. Yeah, I know psychics are bullshit, but two years ago, I'd have said the same thing about mind-control. I'm not out to make a believer of anyone; there's this thing I can do, and I don't have anything to sell you. Make up your own mind what it is, I'm calling it "psychic." It'll make more sense later.

Also, I'm no longer an employee of Inner Claire-ity Yoga Studios. After this thing that happened last year, I became what's referred to as "independently wealthy." It's a common side-effect of being a loved one of Troy's. I parted with the company on good terms. Claire accepted my oral resignation graciously, with a smile on her face. Then I got out from under her desk, finished out the day, and we concluded my exit interview in the showers after closing. She still comes by the house. Not as much lately, but that's only because she's been traveling back-and-forth to Mander Island a bit.

Troy and Julie aren't here right now. (Oh, "here" is San Finzione, not our house in Federal Way like usual.) I'm sure you saw the news about Contessa Helena de San Finzione giving birth to twin boys about a month ago. Yeah, they're great little guys; Vincenzo and Byroni, love 'em. I'm sure you've seen them in the news with her lately. But have you noticed how it's been all long shots or really short sound bites since then? Well, my unique position as a friend of La Familia Royale causes me to know a bit more about that than the average person.

Those are the Royal Twins, all right; but that isn't Helen you've been seeing them with. That's Rita Delvecchio, star of a sketch comedy show in San Finzione and the world's only authorized Contessa Helena de San Finzione impersonator. (As far as we know, the world's only UNauthorized Contessa Helena de San Finzione impersonator is a drag act in Berlin whose rendition of Reba McEntire's version of "Fancy," Helen says is "too damn moving" to send a Cease & Desist order.) Rita's impression of Helen and her resemblance in the right makeup are so strong that Helen sometimes hires Rita to appear at events that she doesn't want to go to but needs to show up at least. Since Helen has been missing since a couple days after they were born, Rita's been filling in for her in public.

Well, not entirely "missing." I've known where she is because of the aforementioned psychic thing. It's this connection I have with her; one of the three women in my head that I mentioned is able to reach out to Helen. So far, just her, and mostly when one of us really needs it. So, I knew where she was and what she was doing there. The worst part about it was that I could have told our mutual loved ones who know about our connection when they came to me and asked. I could have told them "She's living as a call girl in Paris, and here's where she's staying." Two dozen of La Squadra de Ultimados, San Finzione's elite Special Forces and Helen, Maria, and now the twins' personal guard; would have descended on Helen's location, probably snuck up and knocked her out before she could use her own ability to command them to go home and had her on a plane back to San Finzione within a couple hours.

Why I couldn't is a bit complicated. Helen and I got off to a horrible start because, before I knew how to do it myself, she used mind control on me and it caused problems with us. So, in addition to the idea that using this thing between us to track her down when she wants to be alone would have felt like violating a trust, it also felt to me like a petty revenge for something we've moved past. (And I'm no one to comment on anyone else's mental issues. Helen needed to get away, more than anything in the world. I absolutely understand that.)

As a result, this past month of hanging around a castle hasn't been as much fun as you'd think. Even fewer people know about our connection than know about the fact that the four of us can control minds. The ones who know also know about my past with Helen and have tried to be understanding about my reasons why I couldn't just tell them everything. But of course, there was some tension involved. Troy and Julie understood completely why I didn't feel comfortable telling them any more than that she was alive and didn't want to be found. He's a smart guy, and eventually figured it out on his own. Maria and Ramirez wanted me to tell, and I'd heard that Capitan Ortega was ready to put me under the hot lights and sweat it out of me before Troy had a word with him. Things have relaxed now that he and Julie have found Helen and are bringing her home after the weekend.

That leaves me, as the only person remaining in San Finzione who can both control minds and speak Italian, to deal with La Familia de San Finzione. You see, Contessa Helena de San Finzione was born Helen Parker in Anchorage, Alaska. Her late husband, Count Vincenzo Ramon de San Finzione, forever does he reign in our hearts; (It's customary to say that when you talk about him. Helen says he deserved it. Look him up some time, he was a great guy.) had been the patriarch of a once-proud royal family. He'd done so well for them and his country, in fact, that his children and grandchildren became idlers and fell prey to the excesses of the idle rich. Helen told me that something he said to her in private once was "Lamborghini and Cocaine have killed more San Finziones than the entire Renaissance." It was so bad that by the time she met him, the royal line was down to the Count and his great-granddaughter, Lady Maria.

[Ramesh_Rocky]

Oh, there are other members of La Familia de San Finzione, but Maria was the last of the royal line before the twins were born. Because Helen refuses to remarry unless she can somehow marry Troy, (Most of Helen's rules have an "except for Troy" clause.) they're still Vincenzo's heirs, bear the San Finzione name, and go into the line of succession after Maria. This is good for everyone, because from what Helen told me, if she hadn't happened to have the power to control minds to keep them in check after he died, the country would have been torn apart by La Familia's petty political schemes and power plays.

They're the kind of people that you hear so many bad things about that you can't possibly believe them all, then you meet them and find out they hadn't even scratched the surface. Someone cruel, who didn't know that Helen was seriously trying to make amends for the things she's done in her past, might say she fits right in. To Maria, though, they're still her family. Maria is a dear friend as well. She's as much of a warm, genuine, friendly person as she appears on TV. That makes her a great friend, but all La Familia see is a target or potential pawn. She's not entirely; I mean, she's had The Count and Helen's guidance her whole life. She even filled in as Contessa-in-Reggenza last year after Helen was attacked, and then a couple times during her pregnancy. (They put a Transfer of Power ceremony together for The People the first time it happened. Now, it's more like when wrestlers tag in and out of the ring.) But Maria's someone who needs to be protected from her own family, and Helen knows all about that. The Parker family wasn't a particularly nice one, either.

That's why, when Suzy-Q came back from her last visit to Helen's mind having promised that I'd look after Maria until she did whatever she needed to get through this, I was stuck. I don't have control over Suzy-Q, however, she's a part of me. She'd make the same choices that I would in any given situation, so if she makes a promise, that means I'm bound to keep it. I figured I owed her that for Suzy-Q not warning Helen that Troy and Julie were in Paris looking for her. I mean yeah, she doesn't want to be found, but I want her to come home safe, too.

Maria's no child, though, despite her media nickname of "Little Maria." She was one of those TV Princesses growing up, when they gave her the name. Now that she's 23, taller than some men I know, and always scores second only to Helen herself in "Most Bangable Royal Babes" online polls, (And that's mostly because nude pictures and videos of Helen are out there to be found online, because she's put them out there to deflect the media away from things before.) the name is used mainly by La Familia, internet creeps who had countdown clocks on their websites for the moment she turned eighteen, or people using it ironically. It's been a bit hectic at the castle, having Maria secretly in charge while Rita plays Helen for the cameras. With the news that Troy talked Helen into coming back, things have relaxed, and I got to have an evening out last night with Colleen Sullivan, a friend we met through Helen on my first trip here.

Evenings out in San Finzione are too damn fun. By design. The country acquired a tech sector and a film industry within the past year, due to some events that we played a role in; however, their primary post-World War II industry has been tourism, because San Finzione's unique geographical position gives them year-round beach weather. A close second is the wine industry because year-round beach weather also means year-round wine season. If you ever go to a market in San Finzione and they tell you they're out of gbangs, they REALLY don't like you, because they have plenty and it's a very friendly country by force of economic need, so you must be a real dick.

This means that if you go to the right places, which Colleen knows now that she's a local, the drinks range from free to "we'll pay you pretty ladies to stay and drink and dance longer." We decided not to take the emerald-green iPads that would have identified us as "Special Friends of La Contessa" and gotten us the red-carpet treatment everywhere. The evening out became a blur that ended up a Colleen's Place-colored blur, that became a roughly naked Colleen-shaped blur that became darkness, and then a pounding in my head. Once the darkness was replaced by too much light, I realized that the pounding wasn't in my head, but on Colleen's front door.

Carefully trying to keep any more light than absolutely needed from entering my eyes, I looked over at the naked top half of Colleen snoring next to me. Her bottom half was enclosed in some kind of mermaid's tail costume that I don't recall her getting into at any point. I registered that I wasn't wearing anything as the pounding on the door made plain that it had no plan to stop on its own any time soon.

I whacked Colleen with a stuffed leprechaun I found amongst the pillows. That got me a muttered "feck off," and I worked the math of my being able to wake her up to answer her door, her being able to either get out of the mermaid tail or get to the door in it and realized that the problem was now mine. I found my panties and nothing else. Holding the leprechaun to cover my breasts, I found my way to my feet and started navigating out of her bedroom and to the front door.

[Ramesh_Rocky]

A guy in his late teens wearing a servant's uniform had been the source of the knocking. In the hand he hadn't been knocking with, he'd held some clothes that he'd found coming up the steps that I admitted were mine and took back from him.

"Lady Maria urgently requests your presence at the castle, Signorina Bailey. There is a car waiting." He said before I could come up with a decent angry reply to the knocking. I'd seen him at the castle before. I think he was a page. Did they still have pages? Maria can't send Jeanne to do everything. I muttered that I'd figure the clothes thing out and shut the door. I found something for my head in Colleen's bathroom, did a brief clean-up, and put my clothes back on. There was no waking Colleen to say goodbye, and no time to leave a note, so I put the leprechaun next to her. She shifted, flopping her tail, and hugged it as I stepped out into the San Finzione daylight. Whatever Maria needed, it couldn't have been as bad as that felt.

* * *

"It is horrible, Susan." Lady Maria Louisa Francesca de San Finzione said to me when I got to the castle. The stuff from Colleen's medicine cabinet had started working on the way here. Something from Jeanne's beverage cart helped with the rest by the time Maria was free to see me.

Jeanne Carpentier was Helen's personal maid; and when Helen was away and she was in charge, Maria's. (There are special reasons that Helen picked Jeanne for the job, but I'll let others tell that story.) The first time we met, we didn't share a common language, so she was a complete mystery to me. Since then, we've both learned Italian, and I've gotten to know Jeanne a bit better. She seemed pretty stiff and robotic to me when we first met. I've learned since that this is a fetish of hers, which makes her a natural choice to work for a woman who's attracted to other women and also able to take control her mind and fulfill that fantasy. (Hey, no judgment here. Last night, Colleen asked me to ravish her on the deck of a pirate ship. I don't recall if the mermaid tail came before or after that.)

Another thing that Jeanne brings to the table is her beverage cart. Helen doesn't really "do" alcohol, and I tend to save it for nights out, myself, for similar reasons. She prefers hot beverages to cold ones, so Jeanne's cart is equipped to make coffee, tea, or hot cocoa; which is Helen's favorite drink. There used to be a hot plate on it too, but that was removed after an incident you probably saw on TV a year ago. It's been upgraded since then, and she had a choice of coffees for me. I picked Colombian because I recognized it, and all the others sounded too fancy to waste on a primary objective of hangover elimination. I also served myself rather than asking Jeanne to do it for me. Eleven years of waitressing experience left me qualified to handle the machines on her cart.

"I got up and came straight here, Maria." I told her, sitting up on the couch in Helen's study. It's sort of her office in the Palace Wing. She's also got a Throne Room and an office over in the Business Wing of the castle, where as she puts it, they KEEP the Sackville San Finziones. "I haven't seen any news, nobody's told me about a crisis."

"This would not be on the news." Maria explained. "My cousin Lucinda stopped by the Palace Wing last night."

I got a tighter grip on my coffee cup. Lucinda de San Finzione had been one of the eight or nine that Helen had mentioned by name as extra-specially not to be trusted. There was a Benito and a Sabrina in there somewhere too, I think. Essentially, any member of La Familia not named Helena, Maria, Vincenzo, or Byroni, you can save a lot of time by distrusting immediately. Maybe not everyone; she died long before any of us were born, but I hear Contessa Sofia was quite nice.

"How long was she here?" I asked, causally looking around to see if I noticed anything missing.

"A few minutes. Long enough to complain that the rest of La Familia have not yet met the twins." Maria looked down. "And to pressure me into a reception for La Familia to meet them."

"You couldn't say no? Or say that Helen said no?"

"Unfortunately, Lucinda knows the right things to say." Maria responded. "Great-Grandmama usually deals with her, si. She has um... la mente di un ladro, she is better equipped to handle La Familia."

I almost choked on my coffee a little. Maria doesn't say negative things about La Familia. It's a "they're a bunch of evil, greedy backstabbers, but they're still my family" thing. Admitting that Helen's "mind of a thief" made her uniquely qualified to deal with them was something of a breakthrough for her. (I know she loves Helen too, and didn't mean anything insulting there. Saying that Helen has a criminal mentality is just a statement of fact.)

[Ramesh_Rocky]

"Ok." I said, setting the coffee down on the table. "So, we schedule something for next week, after Helen gets back, and she can handle..."

Maria interrupted me.

"It is to be this evening! I tried to stall; told her that Great-Grandmama wanted to spend more time alone with them, but Lucinda said that La Familia are insistent. Every day they have not been allowed to meet Vincenzo and Byroni has been seen as an insult by some, and she said that they have all come to her to approach Great-Grandmama."

"Maria," I replied. "I know you love them, however, La Familia don't do anything as one without an ulterior motive."

"Si, I am aware of this. If Lucinda knows that Great-Grandmama is out of the country, she did not indicate it to me. Usually, there would be no complaints if any of them went a month or more without seeing La Contessa face-to-face."

"But the boys change all of that." I thought aloud.

"Si. I think that they wish to 'size her up.' To see if the twins have, perhaps, mellowed her. If her being a mother now means that they will have something to work with in future schemes."

"And Helen needs to be there, because everyone knows that there's no way in hell she'd let them meet the twins without being present." I thought some more on that, the last of the fog leaving my head. "We could ask Rita if... no, no, they've almost certainly seen her show; and I don't think she'd be able to stand up to their scrutiny."

"I have thought of this already." Maria said with a smile. "And then I had another thought. That you, Susan, could make them believe that they were speaking to the real Contessa!"

I gave that some thought. As a rule, Helen almost never went over to visit the Business Wing unless it was for one of two reasons: She wants you to do something, or you've fucked up and she's caught you. "Not having to deal with La Contessa" is one of their favorite things over there. In the past month, the country, and therefore they, hadn't seen much of her except for those quick or distant shots of Rita on the news. And how many of them spend their Saturday nights watching television, anyway? As for my role in Maria's plan, that might be a bit trickier.

"Maria," I told her. "It's only within the past few months that I've gotten confident enough with it to stop telling myself 'I'm learning to control minds' and say 'I know how to control minds.' I know Helen's managed to control a ballroom full of people before, and Troy and Julie could do it, but they've been doing this most of their lives; I'm not at their level."

"You would not have to do it to the whole room at once." Maria replied. "It will be a reception. Rita can sit with the babies, they will approach her, and then you can convince them that she is Great-Grandmama!"

I smiled at Maria. She's known about this ability for the past eight years since Helen married her great-grandfather. (Helen refers to it as "The Thing," Troy & Julie call it "Doing What We Do." Sometimes, just to be different, I'll go with "The Thing We Do.") She's the next person we plan to teach it to, but Helen wants to wait for a few more years. Maria's late teen years were spent doing Jeanne's job, as Helen's personal maid. (She did some of the other stuff Jeanne does, too; but Maria has no regrets and knows that Helen was acting out of grief for the Count and has forgiven her Great-Grandmama, so we have, too. Julie and Helen also didn't speak much at that time, for complicated reasons, so everyone just kind of avoids talking about that period of their lives.) The positive side of this was that Maria grew up to be a nice person whom everyone gets along with, because she doesn't view anyone else as "beneath her" just because she was fortunate enough to be born a Princess. Maria also views it as Helen saving her from the "San Finzione Curse" of a short and often stupid life of excess that claimed her parents and grandparents. Helen thinks Maria could handle The Thing, and the rest of us agree, but she wants her to have as much of a normal life as someone like Maria can have first.

[Ramesh_Rocky]

"Maria," I said evenly. "This is starting to feel like a sitcom plot. And not a good one; one of the ones that get canceled a couple episodes in."

Maria gave me a frustrated "don't you think I know that" look.

"Susan, now that we have located Great-Grandmama, now that Troy has been able to talk sense to her and she has agreed to come home, now that she is happily enjoying a few days away from everything with her best friends and the man and woman she loves most in the world before coming back to us; do you wish to be the one to call her and tell her that we need her to cut things short and come home immediately? Because we face the crisis of Lucinda pressuring me into throwing a party on short notice? The reception itself may be her power play; getting me to throw together such a thing at the last moment will put a feather in her cap with the others."

I sat back down and thought about that for a moment. La Familia are incredible mooches and might just be after a free dinner on the Palace side of the castle. They weren't trustworthy enough to assume that was all there was to it, but that chance existed. Servants almost never go over to the Business Side, but when they do, there are signs just before you exit any of the service accesses in that part of the building advising the staff that they work for La Familia ROYALE, not La Familia, and nobody who might normally be in that wing, except La Contessa or Lady Maria, can order them to do anything. So, it's not until they come to visit the Palace Wing that La Familia get to do any proper servant belittling. (I waitressed at a shitty highway diner for eleven years before Troy found me. Guess how much respect I have for people like that.)

Helen told me that after they visited to "console her" following the Count's death, everything shiny that could fit in a pocket was gone. She did The Thing to them to get everything back at the same meeting with the lawyers that ended with all of them agreeing that Count Vincenzo, forever does he reign in our hearts, wanted his beloved Contessa to sit on the throne until it was Little Maria's time. (Maria was 16 when her great-grandfather died, so the name was only starting to get creepy back then.)

With all the shit Helen's dealt with just in the time that I've known her personally, it's hard to deny that she could use a few days off. Intellectually, I knew that the smart thing to do would be to call Helen anyway and at least seek her advice. As I played out that phone call in my head, I realized that telling Helen anything about it would get the wheels in her own head turning, she'd start thinking about it, and instead of relaxing with Troy & Julie, her mind will be focused on what she's going to come home to. Or yes, decide she needs to come back immediately.

Troy's their father and has just as much right to know what's going on, but they think too similarly, and we'd have the same problem; Troy's TOO responsible to hear that and just go back to relaxing, he'd drop everything and come right back here. Julie has no poker face, so if I talk to her, the other two will figure out that something's wrong. We're going to be the boys' godmothers, (I'm Vincenzo's, Julie's Byroni's. Helen's an atheist, but San Finzione is a Catholic nation, and she's their Contessa, so it's expected of her to get them baptized.) so, responsibility for them falls to me at this point. I could just take them somewhere, let the godmother be the bad guy for Maria in the situation; but she's too good a friend to leave to face La Familia's depredations on her own. Dammit, she was right!

"Ok, Maria." I said. "I'm in. What about Rita? We won't be able to pull this off without her. I mean, if I had their experience, or them here to work with me, putting Jeanne in a wig would be enough to fool everyone." I gestured to Jeanne, who smiled. "Up close, I'd tell them that she's Helen and they'd believe it. But they'd be able to tell from a distance that Jeanne's not the right height and figure. Rita could fool them until they got close enough for me to make them believe it. Do we know where she is right now?"

Maria looked over at Jeanne. Jeanne took a day-planner from her cart and flipped through it.

"Ms. Delvecchio would be in the studio at this hour." Jeanne said in Italian with a sweet smile.

(Jeanne does a lot more than just serving drinks for Helen. Yes, she does THAT kind of stuff for Helen, too, but she knew about that going into the job. Unlike some undeservedly popular books and movies, Helen knows how to draw up a sex contract.)

[Ramesh_Rocky]

"Would you like her brought to the castle?" Maria asked me. I had images of Rita going about her day; when suddenly, a group of Ultimados step out of the shadows and drag her here. That didn't feel like a step Maria would take, but I could see that things were getting to her; and the right people in the government knew that Maria was secretly Contessa-In-Reggenza again until sometime Monday or Tuesday, so she could very well make it happen if she was that desperate.

"I'll go get her." I volunteered. "What time does it happen?"

"Seven o'clock." Maria answered. "I told Lucinda that the babies' bedtime was at eight, so that we could get them out of there early."

My phone said it was 11:08. The hangover was almost gone now, so I was inclined to believe it.

"Ok, figure they'll start showing up around six to load up on drinks, gives me a little less than seven hours to make Rita into a Contessa." I got up and started walking out before stopping and turning. "I don't expect it'll take that long, she carries the wig and makeup with her."

Maria ran up and hugged me.

"Grazie, Susan!" She said with a kiss on both cheeks. "I know that this is a big and strange thing to ask. But you can help in a way that nobody else can right now."

"Maria, if there's two things I know, it's helping people and strangeness." I thought a second. "If there's four things, it's helping people, strangeness, Star Trek, and waitressing. Start doing whatever setting up a reception involves, I'll be back quick."

[Ramesh_Rocky]

Susan Takes Charge Pt. 02

By Special Guest Author Susan Bailey and T.MaskedWriter

"It was late, one night,
when the palace was asleep.
Out of my royal chamber
and into the garden I creep.
And I wait till the appointed time,
when the moon is lighting the pitch,
At which point, my peasant friend who looks just like me
arrives, and we make a switch."
-Moxy Früvous, "King of Spain"

"È Solo Divertente Se Conosci L'italiano," apart from meaning "It's Only Funny If You Know Italian," is the name of the weekly live sketch comedy show on San Finzione television whose cast of players includes Rita Delvecchio. Politics and current events being major sources of their material, Helen, Maria, and some of our other friends' lives and goings-on are frequent butts of their jokes. Strangely, Helen's a fan of the show. She might be the world's worst choice of someone to piss off, but she appreciates a good zing.

I had walked down to the studio. The castle stands atop the largest hill in the city, La Collina; which means "The Hill" in Italian. (San Finzione was founded prior to the Renaissance; the early rulers were not creative in the Naming Things department, which is why you see La Familia's name on everything in the country. Castle Finzione's address is 1 Strada al Castillo, "The Road to the Castle.") So, many places are within walking distance FROM the castle. Back up to it, however, is another matter. There's an old escape tunnel that leads directly into Helen's Study; which I know about now, because Troy's fear of media attention means that it's his preferred way of entering and exiting the castle. (Plus, you know, "We get to enter a CASTLE via A SECRET PASSAGE!!") The entrance is still halfway up the hill, though. In the rich neighborhood where most of La Familia and San Finzione's other "elite" live.

The first time Rita and I met was in a panic room in one of Helen's hotels that was being attacked by the Triads. (My life's a bit odd; not sure if you knew that yet or not.) We really didn't have a lot of time to get to know each other then, because she needed to get out of the country and back to San Finzione in a hurry.

In this past year, though, Troy, Julie, or I have always needed to be close to Helen during her pregnancy because she's needed someone to suppress her nicotine cravings; so, we've had chances to talk since then. (I know: "Why don't we just use mind control to make Helen quit smoking," right? Here's the problem with that: Smoking has been Helen's primary "non-Troy's Cock" source of stress-relief since Julie gave her first one to her when they were kids. Cigarette, that is; not Troy's Cock, Helen got that on her own later. But Troy says that because of who Helen is and the fact that she knows how to Do What We Do, her mind would fight back against a command like that, even if she didn't consciously want to. Smoking is so ingrained in who Helen is as a person now that they'd have to do what would amount to rewriting her entire personality via brute force. Whether you think that's something she needs or not, it's the sort of playing with others' lives and minds that Troy refuses to do. He'd rather have a Helen who smokes than risk having a non-smoker who might not entirely be Helen anymore. Commanding her that she doesn't want one RIGHT NOW, though, is easier. She still got away from us four times that I know about before she got too big to outrun Julie.)

The actor who plays Generalissimo Hernando Ramirez, Supreme Commander of San Finzione's Armed Forces and Helen's most trusted adviser, directed me to Rita's dressing room. He was being fitted for the prosthetic beer gut that he wears when portraying the Generalissimo. I frowned at it, but let it go. Ramirez was the commander of La Squadra de Ultimados before Helen made him her General, following some stuff that, since I'm now a Citizen of San Finzione with a security clearance, I probably shouldn't talk about. (But since I'm also an American Citizen, too; and I never swore an oath or anything, I can tell you that Maria got kidnapped by an African warlord as part of an elaborate coup plot. And it's not really classified, the whole world heard at least part of that story.)

A little over a year ago, an assassin ran up to Helen and stabbed her. She tried to do The Thing to him, but in the heat of the moment, did it to the entire room. It didn't stop him. We found out later that the guy was deaf, so he couldn't hear her command, but everyone else in the room did, including Ramirez. It's not his fault; Helen commanded everyone not to move, so he couldn't. But since we can't tell the media "He would've shot the guy dead, but at the time, he was frozen by La Contessa's mind powers," his reputation with the public took a hit; thinking his freezing at the worst possible moment was a result of the once-proud Ultimado "going soft behind a desk." and he became a bit of a joke for a while. Since it was such big news, the show's writers were still doing a number on him; so, this past year, the actor had portrayed the Generalissimo as lazy and sleepy in sketches. La Contessa's orders would frequently "disturb his siesta."

I knew the man, and he absolutely didn't deserve it, but I couldn't tell them that he was taking the fall for Helen to keep her secret. A secret so badly kept that half the people think she can do it anyway, but things would still suck if the world found out it was real. For the sake of not interfering with their creative process, I resisted the urge to command them to let up on him and found Rita's dressing room. I knocked, heard an "Avanti" from the other side, and went in.

Rita was changing into a cowboy outfit, I imagine for a sketch. (It's not like Helen is her only character on the show. They do other stuff, too.) She smiled when she saw me.

"Susan! I wasn't expecting you!"

"I know." I told her, sitting down. "I'm afraid we've got another job for you."

The smile was replaced by a look of exasperation. Usually, when Rita fills in, it's for a party or ceremony that Helen doesn't want to attend, but it would look bad if she didn't. So, Rita gets paid to wear Helen's designer dresses that cost more than Rita's house and have champagne & caviar with movie stars and world leaders. Being a mommy to the twins for the Press was never part of the deal, and Maria had been paying her a lot more to do it, but it was getting to be too much.

[Ramesh_Rocky]

"What am I doing now?" Rita sighed, collapsing into her chair for dramatic effect, I'm sure. "Cutting a ribbon while pushing a stroller? Another 'mommy meeting,' where I must listen to some Hollywood idiota tell me how I am raising La Contessa's children incorrectly because of 'a thing she read on the internet?'

"While Helen's gone, Maria's the one who pays you; save the theatrics for her." I said with a smile. "It should be even easier than that, Rita. It's just two hours; a reception for the children." I paused. "For La Familia."

Her eyes widened. She was clearly someone whom Helen had spent any amount of time at all discussing La Familia with. Her mouth began to follow her eyes. I sensed the objection coming and intercepted it.

"They should be good and liquored up for it, easy enough to fool. I'm sure you can do it, Rita."

"Si, I can do it." She responded. "At parties, for crowds and celebrities who do not know La Contessa personally."

"I can assure you that none of these people really know Helen personally. And you won't be alone. I'll be there to help you sell it. Other people, too. The way I see it, we're going to need a team for this, so I made a couple calls on the walk down here. We're meeting up at the castle. But we absolutely need you, Rita." I stopped and had a thought. "This reception isn't some formal San Finzione custom I don't know about? Like 'No Sicilian can refuse a request on the day of his daughter's wedding?'"

"No, nothing like that." Rita answered. That was a relief. So, this wasn't going to allow Lucinda to push Helen into something bigger by itself. The only thing I knew for certain yet was that this wasn't just about meeting the newest members of La Familia.

"Ok, then. So, this is just another 'playing Helen' gig. A party at the palace while she's out... fighting crime in a mask or something; you've done it more times than I'm probably cleared to know. This time, it'll be even easier. It'll all be in Italian, so we don't need the translators."

Helen speaks, as far as we know, every language that there is, so in a setting where she might be called upon to do so, Rita works with translators and hidden microphones to fake Helen's talent.

Being able to control minds brings with it confidence; the knowledge that you have an Ace-in-the-Hole in practically every situation. That confidence could cause you to do a lot of stupid things with it. Unless you've been raised to be careful and responsible like Troy was, and can at least wrangle a couple of nutty loose cannons like Julie and Helen must've been in those days the same direction; like he was able to. Then, you can channel it into something that you're passionate about doing and become extremely good at that thing. That's why Troy can make money have babies, Julie can make anything into a work of art, and Helen has absolutely no problem stopping and asking directions anywhere in the world. As for what I got from it? We're hoping it's "helping others," but there's every chance that it's "I'm really good at remembering stuff I saw on TV at the right moment." (Oh, and the psychic thing from before. That's coming, I promise.)

"It is only for two hours?" Rita asked.

"At eight, you'll get to tell them all to fuck off, just like Helen would."

That made her smile. I'd imagine that's one of the more fun parts of getting to be Helen.

"OK!" Rita said, getting up and hugging me. "We are pre-recording some things for this week's show. I can be there at three."

I hugged her back and left to let her continue whatever she had to get ready for next. I checked my phone. 11:56, six hours to go, and I hadn't even needed to Do The Thing to persuade Rita. Someone who hadn't lived my life might think everything was going to be this easy.

Heh. Sucker!

* * *

[Ramesh_Rocky]

Since it was now between twelve and two in the afternoon, Nothing, as they say, was happening in San Finzione. The country still honors the old European tradition of "Go meet up with whoever you fuck, get laid, grab something quick, and come back to finish the day." It's sometimes nice to take a stroll and hear all the people who've left their windows open, because it's also really hot at that time of day, and know that hopefully most of the adult population, at that moment, is getting some. Since I knew that was what Stavro probably had planned for lunch, and his plans would take him to Maria, I walked over to the Citizens' Grievance Office to get a ride with him.

Stavro Poldouris was the oldest son of Costas Poldouris, the butcher who provided meat for the castle. He and Maria had made eyes at each other for years when he would make deliveries and she was still Helen's maid. They finally got together as an unexpected and happy result of an elaborate prank on Helen that I'm proud to say I got to be a part of. (I wasn't one of the people having sex in the park, I coordinated things on the computer back in Seattle.) Helen gave him a job as the head of her Citizens' Grievance Office, hearing The People's complaints and determining which matters were worth bringing to La Contessa's direct attention, which ones could be handled by someone further down the government ladder, which ones were in serious need of being told to go fuck themselves, and which ones Helen would probably want to tell personally to go fuck themselves. (Have I mentioned that San Finzione is not one of those "democratic" monarchies? It's a friendly country, and Helen makes sure The People's voices are heard; but she's got no problem telling someone who deserves it "La Contessa has heard your voice; We declare it to be a fucking stupid one.")

Originally, Helen created the office to give Stavro a decent excuse to come to the castle and see Maria regularly; as well as to give the young man, after finding out that the pretty maid who'd had an eye for him too all this time was really the Princess, the kind of position and income that would make a status-and-money-conscious, Greek butcher's son like him; who never would have thought twice about her if he'd known who she really was, comfortable dating Maria. And still help out at his father's shop. (Maria had been out of the public eye for a while as Helen's maid, and Stavro wasn't up on his royals. It was mostly Helen's picture hanging around the castle in those days. Helen fixed that, too.) But the office really does work to help the People with the problems that have realistic solutions.

We hadn't had much to say to each other for a long time, but that was for the same reason that it took Jeanne and I so long to get to know each other; I didn't have a common language with him. That's another thing that's changed since I "acquired" the Italian language. He's often overwhelmed by Maria's life and tends not to talk much around all the "important people and soldiers with guns" in her daily existence; and uncomfortable letting his mega-rich girlfriend pay for things too often. Now that he's found out I'm "working class like me and Jeanne," he's felt more free to talk to me about things. He also wants to kick Chad's ass if he ever meets him. (Chad was the jerk who used, beat, and stole from me for years before I met Troy. Haven't thought about him in a while. That's a good thing.)

Whether or not Stavro would help Maria with her problem was not a question that needed asking, so there was no recruitment talk required; and the trip back up La Collina was filled with conversation about the people Stavro had dealt with that morning. I have plenty of shitty customer stories too, but at least some of the people who came into the diner were there to just get their food, eat it, and leave quietly. I mean, they DO help the People who have actual problems and aren't JUST there to complain, but nobody stops by a government bureau called the Citizens' Grievance Office just to thank them for being there.

He drove me to the site of their rendezvous; a house that had once belonged to a now-dead line of faithful retainers to La Familia Royale. It was now an historic landmark, and the inside was closed off to tours and the public. The reason for this is because the escape tunnel from Helen's study that I mentioned earlier exits to a secret door in the basement. (Before it became her study, it was the castle's War Room, where the San Finziones of old would plot the deaths of their enemies. Some say it still serves that function.) This also makes it a good, private spot for Maria and Stavro or Helen and whomever to slip away from the eyes and ears of the castle and have their nooner in one of the bedrooms. I passed Maria coming the other way in the tunnel on the way up to the study and let her know Rita was on board with the plan.

By the time I made it to the end of the passage, an idea occurred to me. Rita was working through the midday break; which made sense. San Finzione's new film industry has discovered that when the streets are practically deserted for a window of broad daylight that can be taken advantage of if you're using the newer digital cameras that don't take hours to set up and take down, it's an ideal time to shoot a scene on location. That plus the fact that so many movie deals get brokered over lunch means that San Finzione Studios and the people who run it (Which, if you haven't guessed by now, are Società Finzione.) are exceptions to the "12-2 Rule."

Between most of them either working through the break or going home to get their own afternoon delight, the Business Wing would be as relatively deserted as the streets during that middle ninety minutes; when everyone's gotten to where they're going for their break and are getting to it. If there was a time to go snooping over there and see if I can learn anything about Lucinda's scheme, this would be it.

[Ramesh_Rocky]

I'd still been in the clothes that I'd apparently decided weren't worth waiting until we got into Colleen's place to remove the night before. The first time I stayed at the castle was completely unexpected, and I didn't have time to pack any clothes. Now that we come often enough that the guest room closest to Helen's is designated as mine, Troy's, and Julie's room; we have some clothes here. I didn't do a lot of business in San Finzione; so, I was covered for something formal to wear that evening; but nothing for blending into an office environment. I tried to pick something that looked at least business-casual and began my voyage to the Business Wing. (Castle Finzione is a big place. I've thought of picking up one of those fancy kids' scooters to get around but realized that it would lead to one of two bad outcomes: I'd be a 28-year-old woman pushing a scooter around a working castle with my foot; where people are trying to go about their busy day all around me, and I'd look like an idiot. Or worse, they'd see me, think "Damn, why didn't I think to get one of those," and everyone starts doing it; soon there are Scooter Collisions in the Throne Room, and Helen and the entire government look like idiots.)

Going over to that side of the castle means passing through the Great Hall, where giant portraits of San Finzione's Reigning Monarchs past and present look down upon visitors. There can be a Count and a Contessa at the same time, but ultimately, one of them must be the final authority in all matters, and that one is the Reigning Monarch. Helen is the only one with two portraits, at least until it's time for Maria's second one to go up. Because Maria had served long enough to merit a portrait, and theirs had been the only peaceful reclamation of transferred power in San Finzione's history, the People decided to commemorate the event by giving the two Contessas a second portrait for "Contessa Maria's first and Contessa Helena's second reigns." (It's just going to be a cute little footnote by their names in the history books. As far as the calendar-makers are concerned, this is still Year Seven of Contessa Helena's reign.)

The Reigning Monarch also carries the title of CEO Emeritus of Società Finzione. What this means is that there's someone else Helen has appointed; not a member of La Familia, who does the actual day-to-day CEO-ing. Helen's job is to randomly drop in, look over what they're doing, and rubber-stamp it either "OK," "Try Again in a Way That Benefits the People MORE Than What YOU Get to Steal," or "FUCK YOU! We are NOT doing this!" (Seriously, Helen has had those last two made and they're in her desk in her office in the Business Wing.)

I stepped out of the central castle and into what I'd imagine the fifteenth floor of any given office building when everyone's heading to lunch would look like: people in suits, some with briefcases or papers or folders in their hands, going back and forth, others working through the break and sitting in offices and cubicles; talking on desk phones about things that I would have had to stop and take the time to listen to find out more about. I hadn't been here except for a few times when Helen was pregnant, and then I stayed close to her. I tend to picture the downtown office where the dad on a sitcom works for a company that just makes "business" and always has clients that need to be impressed by dinner at HIS family's house TONIGHT, which is also the night of the younger kids' big slumber party and the oldest boy's first date.

It seemed like an apt comparison, especially once I realized that I was here to snoop on Maria's cousin and try to find out what her crazy scheme for this evening's reception might be.

[Ramesh_Rocky]

Lucinda's secretary was on her own break, so I slipped into her office. I'd only been in Helen's a couple of times, and it was about what you'd expect to see in the office of a busy person who's almost never there; everything shiny and new or barely used. Lucinda's office looked like what I imagine Bruce Wayne's lawyer's office looks like; antiques and leather furniture. Old books, all of which, she can't possibly have read, lined the shelves. A book was displayed under glass, open to a full-page illustration of a whirlpool; people screaming in torment. I shook it off and headed over to Lucinda's desk.

My hopes of finding a big sheet of construction paper with "My Evil Plan" in glitter-glue across the top and outlining every step of it were soon dashed. There were no papers on her desk, and looking at the drawers, I saw that each one had one of those big old-style keyholes on it. The kind that, if I used hairpins, I might have been able to figure out how to pick the lock. However, since I wasn't planning to get ready for the reception for a couple of hours yet, there wasn't anything in my hair that I could work with. I abandoned the idea. It would be bad enough to be caught in here, let alone be found kneeling at her desk with a pair of straightened paper clips. Looking around the desk again as an afterthought, I didn't see anything for holding paper clips, rubber bands, no little organizer. Did she even lock up her office supplies before going to lunch?

This was becoming an increasingly bad idea. I'd learned nothing and being in here now could only accomplish one thing: getting caught. I couldn't be punished for it; I was a guest of La Contessa's and was allowed everywhere in the castle except the dungeons and a couple areas above my security clearance. That didn't change the fact that it would look bad to be snooping here. I didn't even have an excuse if someone asked. It was time to leave.

I walked out of Lucinda's office, closed the door, and walked through the outer office to that door, when Lucinda de San Finzione stepped in through it and looked me in the eye.

[Ramesh_Rocky]

Susan Takes Charge Pt. 03

By Special Guest Author Susan Bailey and T. MaskedWriter

"She's got a date at midnight,
with Nosferatu.
Oh, baby, Lily Munster
ain't got nothing on you.
Well, when I called her evil,
she just laughed
and put that spell on me.
Boo Bitch-Craft."
-Type O Negative, "Black Number One"

"Hi, your name's Susan Bailey, isn't it?"

Lucinda de San Finzione asked me the question in English. Casually, as if we'd met for the first time in a mutual friend's kitchen, and we knew someone else was stopping by, but the friend had to step out and take care of something just then, leaving us to make introductions ourselves. She wasn't lying just yet, though. My name is, indeed, Susan Bailey. Hi.

"Yes, it is." I replied. Since she hadn't lied yet, I figured I'd return the favor. "Hi. And you're Lucinda, right?"

We'd seen each other a few times recently; while I was helping Helen with her nicotine cravings and a couple of times that she's tried to get over to the Palace Wing while I've been there to shrug and pretend to not know Italian and point to a nearby Ultimado to tell her that La Contessa is too busy with the children for visitors. (The Ultimados have special instructions from Helen about La Familia as well. They're to be kept out of the Palace Wing and, when possible, away from Lady Maria; but since they ARE Maria's family, the Ultimados aren't allowed to really do anything to hurt them if they persist. Without a direct order from Helen, anyway. Which she doesn't give often. If Maria's around.)

"Si," Lucinda replied. "Er, yes. Lucinda de San Finzione. Are you lost?"

"Yeah." I said, seizing the opportunity. "I... uh, don't get over to this side of the castle often."

"I see." Came her response. "Perhaps you were looking for La Contessa's office?"

"Yeah. This looked like the nicest once, so I figured it must be hers."

Lucinda gave that a tight smile, the kind that, if she'd opened her mouth to show her teeth, I would have been surprised to see just a single row of them behind it.

"No," Lucinda answered. "This is my office. Would you like me to show you the way to La Contessa's?"

"That'd be nice." I replied, taking the offer, since getting out of this room without her noticing had been my original goal. I'd failed the second part, but still had hopes for the first.

"Come, this way." Her smile lightened. She'd decided not to unhinge her jaw and consume me whole just yet. I let her lead me away from the scene of my not-really crime. I was off balance here. I remembered something from my mind control training with Troy; "The one asking the questions is the one controlling the conversation." I'd had to learn that from him; and so far, everything Lucinda had said to me, she'd ended with a question, meaning that I'd allowed myself to be put in the position of being the one giving her information. I needed to change that.

"Sorry about being in there," I told her. "Just, you know, all the lovely furniture and books on the walls... was that Dante's Inferno in the display case?"

"Si. Er, yes." Lucinda replied. "A first edition. I like the illustration."

We walked on for a moment before I continued.

"The Circle of Lust, isn't it?"

"Yes. The second circle, an endless, warm, wet whirlwind."

I had another thought as we reached the door.

"Isn't one of the souls writhing in torment in that whirlwind for all eternity supposed to be Helen of Troy?"

"Yeeees." Lucinda replied, drawing the word out so that she seemed to be pronouncing it with four Es. Although she was leading me and walking about two steps ahead, I thought I could hear her lips creaking into that smile again. "And how is La Contessa doing?" She asked, trying to take control back.

I hesitated. Hopefully, not too noticeably. When Maria was still Helen's maid, Helen had implanted a trigger in Maria's mind to fall unconscious if she was either being kidnapped or was at risk of telling someone "too much" about La Contessa. (The idea being that there was no point in a reporter ambushing or a kidnapper trying to hurt or get information out of Maria, because she wouldn't wake up for it, so they'd gain nothing from it but MORE reasons to fear the moment the other tobacco, cocoa, and rose-scented thousand-dollar designer shoe drops.) Helen had arranged things to release Maria from the trigger if anything happened to her; so, when something did happen to Helen last year, it was removed. With six words, Lucinda let me know exactly what had been going on in Helen's mind when she came up with that idea. Could Lucinda have known about that and been testing to see if Helen had done the same to me?

[Ramesh_Rocky]

I was taking too long to answer. I thought of one of Moriarty's lines in the Next Gen episode "Elementary, Dear Data," "Your every silence speaks volumes."

"You know, adjusting to motherhood, that kind of stuff."

We came to an emerald-green door with an emerald-green carpet leading up to it. A gold name plaque on the door read "La Contessa."

"Damn," I said as we found it. "Here it is. How'd I miss it?"

"How, indeed." Lucinda replied. She then adopted a tone that I wouldn't call warmer but would still have to describe as "less cold." "Will you be coming to the reception tonight?"

"Hmm?" I hmmed innocently. "Oh, yes; I'll be there. I'm Vincenzo's godmother, you know."

Lucinda had seemed to be looking down her nose at me this entire time. I learned that my assessment had been incorrect when she put effort into it upon hearing that.

"Not YET! Once the child is baptized, THEN you are the Godmother! Not before."

Something inside me was telling me to Do Our Thing and say, "Just tell me what the fuck you're up to, bitch!" That something had a name, and it was Sue. I'll tell you about her in a minute. The rest of me, though, was thinking that there's probably a good reason I'm not seeing why Helen doesn't just walk over here and do exactly that every day; and it would be a bad idea.

"I've offended you." I told her. "I didn't have a religious upbringing. I apologize."

"A COMMON problem in San Finzione these days." Lucinda looked at her watch. "I must be elsewhere. No doubt, La Contessa has sent you to fetch something and needs it back right away. She must be quite busy if she is unable to send her maid. I will see you tonight."

Lucinda turned and started walking away. I didn't take the bait she was laying out and went into Helen's office. She was probably waiting outside to see what, if anything, I came out with. I went to Helen's desk, grabbed something out of it, and went back to the Palace Wing.

I'd come over here for information, and ended up giving more than I got, but what I had gotten was essential: A deeper understanding of WHY this woman must never be allowed near Vincenzo and Byroni!

* * *

Ok, I mentioned before how there are three other women with whom I share my head. I also mentioned Chad, the only boyfriend I'd had before meeting Troy and Julie. Chad was what you get when the 'roid freak high college quarterback jerks off onto a rolled-up copy of Maxim and fucks the bitchy prom queen with it.

I was an orphan, I didn't have anyone to tell me that wasn't what "a boyfriend" was, and by the time people did, he had me beaten down so far that I wouldn't listen until Troy did what I now understand was mind control to help me see it. There are various ways to go about it. Troy used a somewhat gentler one with me than he and Julie would later use on Chad. I never felt like anything was happening, just that everything Troy was saying was completely agreeable. While learning it myself, I asked Troy to do it to me like he did to Chad. After assuring him I could handle it, he agreed. (It was the kind of "being made to dance like a puppet" that I get now why he hasn't done it to anyone since.)

It wasn't a happy time. Happiness essentially came in 50-minute bursts, when Chad was out drinking or showing off his Fast & Furious-mobile, and I was able to catch an episode of Star Trek without having to hear about "that stupid nerd stuff" I like.

People who have jobs that involve a lot of stress and putting themselves outside their comfort zones do a thing called compartmentalization; essentially becoming a different person to handle those situations. It's how a lawyer can defend a Charles Manson or Leonard Whyte, or a hospice nurse can watch four families lose Gramma in one shift, and neither of them go home and blow their heads off at the end of the day. Between the diner and Chad, I had started taking it to an unhealthy level. I wasn't allowed to be me, I didn't go by Susan then. I went by one of the three names Chad would call me depending on what was expected of me right then.

As Helen described it once, a guy like Chad can only perceive women in one of three ways: Bitch, Whore, and Slave. Sue was the Bitch, Suzy-Ho was the Whore, and Suzy-Q was the Slave. I have a different perspective on them; that Sue is my survival instinct and the "wants to kick ass" thing is just in furtherance of that goal, Suzy-Q is something of a mystery, and Suzy-Ho is, yes, a total whore. But now that sex is something for MY enjoyment rather than his, she's damn proud of it! Suzy-Q's "recasting" from the slave role in my head seems to be what's given her this ability to visit Helen's mind. (It hasn't escaped either of our notice that Helen and I both had shitty lives until Troy & Julie changed them. We have enough in common that, if it hadn't been for how we met, we would definitely be much closer friends by now.)

I guess the best way to describe them nowadays would be "advisors who live in my head." They're not a danger; I don't have blackouts or anything, I can let one of them "take over" if things are stressing me. And there's another little thing I can do with them. Since it was 1:45 when I made it back to our room in the Palace Wing, and Rita wasn't due for a while yet, I had a free moment to lay back on my bed, close my eyes, and...

* * *

[Ramesh_Rocky]

Thirteen years ago, a woman began a relationship with an abusive fuck for a crime she didn't commit. She and the other women inside her head escaped from a maximum-security control freak to the Equals House, and then the tiny European Nation of San Finzione. No longer giving a fuck about that prick, they now work at nothing in particular, but seem to end up doing a whole lot of shit for Helen. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you ask me nicely enough; maybe YOU can hire... The Suzy Crew! It's pretty easy, we don't charge anything.

THE SUZY CREW

Starring SUSAN BAILEY as Susan "Hannibal" Bailey

SUZY-HO

SUZY-Q

And SUE as B.A. Iley

Created by Susan Bailey Watching A Lot Of TV


The ladies and I were, as usual, in costume, (Poor Sue!) with the exception of Suzy-Ho removing Face's suit immediately. Clothes have never really been her thing. We sat around a table at the café outside the San Finzione Marketplace. The Yia-Yia was there, but if she noticed us, we weren't as interesting as her wine.

"Odd choice for a venue." Was the first thing I said, taking a puff of my cigar. I don't usually care for smoking, but since it was in my head anyway, I wasn't bothered this time.

"The A-Team didn't have a base." Suzy-Q replied. She was wearing Murdock's outfit, with the addition of a checkered tablecloth cape tied around her neck. "They just met anywhere. Why not here?" She looked around. "Nice day."

I looked over at Sue; my expression hopefully conveying both "Sorry, but you know I don't choose this stuff" and how serious my effort not to laugh was.

"Are you ok, Sue?" I asked.

"Yeah," Sue replied. "I can work with this." She looked over at Suzy-Q. "Fool Pitying comes to me naturally." I ignored it. The two of them had problems back when Suzy-Q was in the slave role. Sue still complains because that's sort of her thing.

"Well, we've met Lucinda," I told the three of them. "We've seen the sort of person we're dealing with here."

"That's a sort of person?" Suzy-Q asked. That got a giggle from all four of me.

"Technically, yes." I replied. "She's also Maria's family; so, Sue, I already got your idea on the walk back. Without looking it up, I'm pretty sure Helen hasn't decriminalized murder, even if it's La Familia. So, please rethink it and factor that in." Sue nodded. "Does anyone have any ideas on what else to do?" Suzy-Ho started to raise her hand. "That aren't 'turn the party into an orgy?'" Suzy-Ho lowered her hand.

"Well, I think you were right back there." Suzy-Q spoke up. "There's got to be some reason that Helen doesn't just command them to tell her all their schemes."

"Probably because Helen's got plenty of her own and can spot them a mile away." Sue added.

"Well, we know that 'whole family approached her' line is a lie." Suzy-Ho finally spoke up. "I mean, 6:00 rolls around, you don't want to hang out after work and have drinks with the boss you don't even like while she shows off her new kids. You either want to get home and fuck or go out and find someone to fuck. Who'd choose to stand there and listen to Helen talk about diaper-changing over that?"

"That's a good point." Sue contributed. "They all hate Helen. Probably been pizza, strippers, and beer over there every day she's gone. Why would any of them go complain to Lucinda that she hasn't been around much, babies or not?"

That sparked something in my head.

"Nice work, Suzy-Ho. I have something to take up with Maria now."

"Damn." Sue grumbled. "Susan, you're not going to make us the A-Team and then figure things out without any ass-kicking happening, are you?"

I looked at the woman who looked like me dressed in overalls and a muscle shirt and tried not to grin too hard about it.

"You met Lucinda too. It's not going to be Plan A like you want, however, violence at some point before this is all over can't be ruled out, and I know who to go to for that."

That got a smile from her that totally looked like Mr. T's. Dammit, Sue, keep it up and you'll have to start pitying me.

[Ramesh_Rocky]

"So, we know Lucinda lies." I told them. "Despite, or maybe because of, her whole 'not enough religion in San Finzione these days' deal. Or maybe because lying is simply a survival skill in La Familia. So far, my recon trip didn't net me anything more than putting myself on Lucinda's radar and possibly letting her know that Helen is out of the country. She's right, if Helen had really needed something from her office, she'd have sent Jeanne or a page, not asked me to do it. Five or six people would have to be out sick today for Helen to get down to asking me to go fetch something for her and Lucinda knows that; I see that now."

Suzy-Q's eyes lit up and she started hopping up and down in her chair, getting into her role.

"She's always known!" She shouted, pointing at me. "I know how we all hate spirit guides, so I don't want to sound like one of them, but the answer's right there in front of you; and it's so obvious that I think even your subconscious knows and tried to tell you with that thing you randomly grabbed from Helen's desk that you haven't even looked at yet."

I reached into my pocket before realizing that it was still in my real pocket out there instead of in here, so that wouldn't help. (And yes, we take a dim view of spirit guides around here. If you know the answers I seek, just fuckin' tell me! Don't make me go through a series of trials that are obvious metaphors for the problems in my life, don't answer all my questions with more questions, just tell me! The plan if a spirit guide ever shows up is for the other two to hold it down while Sue beats the answers out of it.)

"And you've been paying a lot more attention to time than you have to." Suzy-Q continued. "I know that's a thing Helen does because it's saved her life a couple times; and maybe that's why you're so conscious about it while we're dealing with one of her problems. Because yes, it's a couple hours away, but it's a party, not a bomb! Whatever Lucinda has planned is going to happen there, and we should be ready for it, but stressing about it until then accomplishes nothing. You've got the meeting with the others in a little bit, figure that out, instead. For now, though, you should return to reality, make the connection, and tell Maria."

I nodded. This sort of thing is the reason I don't go on medication over them.

"Thanks, Mes." I told them. "Still don't really have a plan yet, but when I do, I know I'm gonna love when it comes together."

* * *

I opened my eyes and stood up. Time to see if Suzy-Q was right, and the thing I'd grabbed was the answer to all this. I took it out of my pocket and looked at it.

Of course that's what I grabbed. I looked down at the wood and rubber object in my hand. The object that contained the answer that Lucinda knew damn good and well that she would have gotten if she'd come to Helen with this idea, so she had to come to Maria. And the fact that Maria is going through with it is proof enough that Helen isn't here to say anything, because then Maria's next move would only have been to tell Helen, and we all know what her answer would have been the moment she found out.

Instead, Maria did what every good member of La Familia is supposed to do when someone comes to them seeking information about or with a deal regarding La Familia Royale: Accept the offer, play along; give them a little something if you must to get in good with them, but learn all that you can and report it to Helen as soon as possible. She was just going to wait until Helen got home for the "report it" part. Good for her, but it also told Lucinda what she wanted to know.

I looked at that answer in my hand; the phrase carved in Italian into the rubber, reversed letters that would be Helen's final word on all of this if she were here:

"FUCK YOU! We are NOT doing this!"

Suzy-Q was right, my subconscious had been trying to tell me the answer. (It's a bit less "sub" than most. Ya know, except Suzy-Ho.) I checked my phone. Almost 2. Stavro's probably back at work and Maria's somewhere around. I messaged her and was told she was in the Banquet Hall, so ran there.

* * *

I found Maria doing what Helen is usually doing the day of a ball or a gathering: Sitting in a chair, overseeing the room, and telling people putting up decorations and stuff what to do. Jeanne was there with a cup of tea for her as she gestured instructions across the room at the workers. I approached them and got in close enough so only she and Jeanne could hear.

"Lucinda knows that Helen's out of the country." I told them.

"Si." Maria replied casually, still sipping her tea and looking regal as she waved orders about. "I have reasoned this. Great-Grandmama would have stepped in and put a stop to things long before now if she were here. Lucinda knows this. This means that her true motive is also something that had to wait until La Contessa was out of the country."

I listened to Maria casually tell me what it had taken most of the day for me to figure out. I was about to ask her how she figured it, when it occurred to me that part of her lifetime training by the Count and Helen to one day be Contessa herself likely included old-college Italian political games like whatever Lucinda's up to.

"I keep coming back to TV and movie plots." I told her. "Is there some kind of rule where if Helen's not around, and Lucinda manages to get into the Vault, put on the tiara, and hold the scepter, she's Contessa now?"

Maria tittered at that.

"No. I cannot think of anything that Lucinda may be up to that Great-Grandmama cannot simply undo when she returns."

I thought on that for a second.

"No." I told Maria, still trying to appear to anyone looking that I'm just having a chat with my old pal The Princess. "She wouldn't have to wait for Helen to get back. You could undo whatever she's up to, Maria; if it was something bad enough that we'd have to drop the whole 'Helen's still around here somewhere and running the show right now' façade and tell everyone you've been La Contessa for the past month!"

[Ramesh_Rocky]

"Si. The next question would then be 'WHY did La Contessa abandon her babies and San Finzione for a month?'"

I think I was catching up to the game. I offered Maria my thoughts.

"San Finzione IS a Catholic Nation. Plenty of churchgoers are upset enough that Helen is going to raise them 'without a father.' You could put doctors on TV explaining Postpartum Depression around-the-clock for a year, show how the twins have had the best care and protection in the world the entire time, and a percentage of the population will still always look at her and add 'unfit mother' to their list of things they already don't like about Helen. That percentage goes to Mass, where I'm willing to bet Lucinda is always in attendance to 'share their concerns' about 'the direction San Finzione is headed without God in the Castle.' Or the new heirs' lives!"

Maria nodded, the reluctance to take the gloves off when it came to La Familia still in her eyes.

"'And if only someone godly like her were Contessa.'" Maria concluded.

"Can she do something like that?" I asked. "Is there some way she could use this to gather support and influence to overthrow Helen?"

"Not by itself, but it would be a first step. Great-Grandmama's primary motivation for baptizing them is so that you and Julie can also be their familia in some way that must be recognized outside of the castle, should the need arise. Her secondary motivation is to shut such people up, si. This makes it even more important that we sell them on the idea that Rita is Great-Grandmama, Susan. I may need to ask you to do another strange thing that you are the only one that can do it."

"You know I'm here to help you, Maria." I said, still trying to appear as if we were causally chatting. "Just tell me what you need me to do."

Maria picked up her tea, sipped it, and smiled as if she weren't about to ask me to do something big.

"Rita must be able to sell the role. More so than usual. I may need you, Susan, to do The Thing to Rita. To make HER believe that she is Great-Grandmama."

[Ramesh_Rocky]

Susan Takes Charge Pt. 04

By Special Guest Author Susan Bailey and T. MaskedWriter

*****

"How'd you dare to tell me that I'm my father's son,
when that was just an accident of birth?
I'd rather look around me, compose a better song.
Cause that's the honest measure of my worth.
In your pomp and all your glory, you're a poorer man than me,
as you lick the boots of Death, borne out of fear."
-Jethro Tull, "Wind-Up"

I left Maria and Jeanne to the decorating and went to prepare for meeting them and everyone else in Helen's Study soon. (I figure hey, used to be a war room, probably a secure place to talk. Especially since the Ministry of Intelligence sweeps it for bugs at random intervals.) There was another stop I felt the need to make.

The Nursery had been a storage room since Little Maria had been the last San Finzione baby to need one and nobody thought it would be needed again until any future children she might have. Clearing it out and giving it a makeover for the twins' use was a project that Julie and Helen took care of while it was Julie's turn on Helen's Nic Fit Detail. I helped a little, but mostly watched; because I got to see what the two of THEM look like when they're working on a project together.

Troy and Julie discovered the secret of mind control at the age of ten. You know those "hypnotize your friends" and "secrets of mind control" books they used to sell out of the backs of comics that always turned out to be bullshit? Did you ever know any kids who seriously bought and read those books? And anything else they could find on the subject until one day, they read between enough lines to put together how to do it for real? Yeah, they were those kids; you know, the typical American Boy & Girl Next Door like that. And Helen was their typical Friend A Few Houses Down Who Was Both of Their First Girlfriend That They Taught It to Keep Her Evil Dad from Murdering Her. The classic story. And then they continued to do everything together for the next seventeen years until realizing that there's probably a reason that they've always worked so well together.

Watching Troy and Julie work on something together is like watching a ballet. They're so in-tune with each other that they can anticipate what the other is going to want or need and have it ready to hand to them before they ask. Knowing Julie and Helen separately, you'd think that watching the two of them take on a project would be like an issue of Archie Comics where all the girls in Riverdale are in some race or competition to win a date with Archie at the fanciest restaurant in town, and they have to work in pairs. But only one lucky girl can win; and naturally, Betty and Veronica have been assigned to work together. So, they're forced to team up, but one of them MUST be the eventual winner, so they'll be sabotaging each other throughout; only to break into an argument right in front of the finish line about which of them deserves to cross it first, so Cheryl Blossom crosses the finish line while they're still arguing. And it ends with the two of them walking away and talking shit about Cheryl and why were we fighting, anyway? (Lucinda's not the only one who reads the Classics around here!)

Unlike Betty and Veronica, however, Julie and Helen aren't suppressing how much they really want to just stop playing Society's Sick Little Game of fighting over Archie and rip each other's clothes off already. It turns out Archie's totally down with a three-way and everyone wins. So, watching the two of them work, you'll get those little moments of trying to undercut one another, but their "go have angry lesbian sex, remember that I've loved you my entire life and that probably you're right, and get back to it" solution is a lot more effective than anything they come up with in the comics. They get a lot done this way; it's about average with their "let's get this thing done, THEN fuck" method when working with Troy.

As a result, the room looks like what you'd expect if the world's richest expectant mother gave the world's best artist unlimited funds to design a nursery for her sons who, because of whom their father and the artist are, happen to be her own sons as well. The blue of the walls and ceiling were that same blue that the sky overhead would be if they were outside on a typical day. And just like on a typical day outdoors, the thing that Helen calls "All-powerful Athiesmo" might just decide to make the real clouds outside look almost like real duckies and bunnies for them, because they're just that special. (And yes, one of the clouds DOES almost look like James Bond's silhouette watching over them. That one's for Daddy. There's an original Enterprise, Sir Alec Guinness' Obi-Wan Kenobi, and Warren Zevon somewhere in those clouds, too. Propappou and the Count too, naturally.) It worked well with the carpet; which being where the heirs to La Familia Royale will learn to crawl and play, was naturally Emerald Green, the royal color of San Finzione. I nodded to one of the nannies while walking through a zoo's worth of stuffed animals that, if they'd been real, probably would have slaughtered each other. These ones, however, were cuddly fluff friends everywhere you looked.

Vincenzo and Byroni weren't quite ready for that floor and all those other friends just yet. Another nanny who was at the crib motioned over that they were awake and ok for visitors. I walked over to the crib and looked down at them. They stared back up, taking in the blue sky and clouds overhead. Their matching onesies had arrows pointing at each other, and the Italian phrase on both translated to "Don't tell that one I'm Mamma's favorite."

"Hey, Little Boys." I said to them. "How's this whole 'world' thing working out for ya? Seen anything cool yet?"

Byroni burbled at that. It seemed like a positive one. I turned on the mobile over their heads. Birdies gently lit up and started rotating over their heads as a music-box version of "Mr. Bad Example" began to play. I picked him up and held him for a few moments. When it looked like he was about to start fussing, I put him back down with his brother, and he stopped. I figured Vincenzo would probably do the same, so I just gently tickled his little tummy a bit.

[Ramesh_Rocky]

My mind drifted back to the idea that Lucinda had something evil planned for them and my difficulty with the concept of a human being capable of having anything evil in mind regarding these two. That thought begat another. I looked back down at the twins. We don't think it would work on them, and we all swore to never even try it on the kids before they were born.

"Everything I'm about to say," I told them. "None of it is to you, ok? Ok." I looked at the four nannies in the room and made certain myself that what I was about to do was absolutely directed at them and not the boys.

"Raise your hand if anyone's recording." I commanded them in Italian. None of them did.

I didn't just make Lucinda tell me what she's up to because I suspected there was a reason that Helen just doesn't do that all the time. The Thing doesn't transmit digitally, so we can't give someone a command over the phone or on a video call. After the stuff that happened to us last year when someone figured that out, my suspicion was that Lucinda might be creepy and paranoid enough to constantly record herself and all her interactions with Helen; then have someone watch it to see if Helen did anything and made her forget. Or, as was the case that other time, she might only suspect that Helen has strange powers, and her goal is to get it on tape. (A problem that Helen's encountered in the past is that someone who believes in demons and witchcraft will take the sort of precautions AGAINST demons and witchcraft that, unfortunately ALSO work pretty well against mind control that has nothing to do with demons or witchcraft.) Helen's enemies always want to prove or disprove the legends before anything else.

I had to think a second on how to phrase my next command. An important part of this is understanding, yourself, what you're trying to convey. It's why, if Troy commands someone to "give him a hand," that person's not going to applaud or chop off their hand and give it to Troy, they're going to help him. Asking if they're spying for Lucinda would be the wrong question, because that would be much more subject to interpretation. Lucinda might get information from them in less direct ways. Likewise, asking if she's paying any of them would be the wrong question, because she may reward them in other ways than money. There was no doubt in my mind that she was one of those "my thoughts and prayers go out to the poor victims" people. A kind word at a funeral, a promise to pray for someone a while back might be payment enough to tell their "good friend Lucinda" about what it's like working with the twins; and oh, by the way, how's La Contessa dealing with them all by herself?

"Raise your hand if you think of Lucinda de San Finzione as more than a casual acquaintance. Beyond simply bumping into her as you go about the castle, I mean." One hand raised. The woman it belonged to was named Estella. I'd gotten to know the nannies that well at least in the past month.

"Estella, come out to the hall with me." I told her. "The rest of you, forget we had this conversation and go about your duties."

Estella walked out with me while the others saw to the boys.

* * *

[Ramesh_Rocky]

Even the San Finziones of Old got the idea that they might've made Castle Finzione too big. It had always been meant as a stronghold for the people in times of war. That's why, despite the fact that La Familia Royale are in residence, its proper name is still Castle Finzione, as opposed to Finzione Palace.

Back when the country only held a few thousand people, the early Counts were planning for the longer-term and the possibility of having to house a country of many more people during a long siege. Getting around such a huge place had been an afterthought, so they'd done their best by providing little alcoves with chairs and couches throughout the halls. There was one of those outside the Nursery, so it was a good place for me to bring Estella and sit down on one of the couches.

"Have I done something wrong, Signorina Bailey?" Estella asked nervously. She knew I was a friend of Helen and Maria's, and I could see that she didn't know what to expect next except that it would be something bad.

I smiled, shook my head, and sat down next to her.

"No, Estella." I assured her. "Not at all. I just want to talk. How do you know Lucinda? Be honest." I added the command at the end.

"At the cathedral. We have talked before and after Mass. She knows I work at the castle and has let me sit with her for the service before."

I nodded. Lucinda probably has whatever the church equivalent of a Sky Box is at St. Francis de Sales Cathedral. It was the kind of nice gesture that would be certain to impress Estella, make her willing to answer some questions about work that might seem odd, but never mind that, dear. Have a little wine, it's ok, you're with me. Now, about La Contessa and the babies... I started wondering if that Sky Box might be made of gingerbread.

"I'd imagine she gets the really good seats, Estella. She's a strong, powerful woman; and I understand how overwhelming it can be for someone like yourself, going from doing things like watching television to sitting with someone like Lucinda de San Finzione at Mass." (Or going from being constantly beaten and scared to being loved by two of the most powerful people in the world who think you're worthy of sharing their power, even after what Julie thought happened the last time.) I gently took hold of her hand. "What sort of things does she ask you about, Estella?"

"She asks how the boys' spiritual needs are being met. I know that she has a surprise planned to give them this evening."

That made me stop myself over how damnably obvious it should have been: It's a reception for babies, of course there are going to be gifts! I didn't have a clear picture yet, but something was forming.

"Do you know what the surprise is, Estella?" The girl shook her head no. Something had told me that Lucinda wouldn't let Estella in on her whole plan; still worth asking. "Well, has she had a lot of questions about any one subject in particular?"

Estella thought for a moment on that.

"She has asked if I know of La Contessa's plans for their education. She is very concerned about this."

"She wants to make sure it's a good Catholic education, doesn't she?"

"Si." Estella answered. That picture was getting a little clearer now. Lucinda's gift would be something elaborate, expensive, religious... and educational.

"And she thinks someone should do something about that." I slapped the edge of that screen in my head and it came into focus. I stood up.

"You're not in any trouble, Estella. In fact, I'd like you to forget we talked about this at all. Why don't you tell me about some cute little thing the twins did today?" I commanded. "That's what you followed me out to say."

"Si. The noise that Lord Byroni made earlier; he started doing this two days ago. Lord Vincenzo started making this noise back today."

She smiled, and I smiled back at that. They're Helen's kids; of course communication is one of their priorities.

"Thanks, Estella. Now, if you don't mind going back in there, I think I just figured something out and need to start running toward the study, and I'd rather you didn't see me do it. Also, forget I just said that, please."

Estella nodded and went back to work. Once the door was closed, I started running to the study.

* * *