02-01-2019, 06:00 PM
(This post was last modified: 02-01-2019, 06:03 PM by Ramesh_Rocky.)
I looked at the housefront – it was Riz’s house alright – there was his nameplate. I opened the gate and walked through the small garden onto the grill work. Kajol had already come hearing the bell.
At first sight I didn’t quite recognize her. She was clad in a saree, had put on weight and was wearing the headmistress type of glasses.
“Ramesh”, she said breaking into a smile.
“Kajo”, I gave her a look from top to bottom, “you look nice.”
“You mean fat, eh?”, she chuckled. “And look at you. Since when are you sporting a paunch?”
I shuffled my feet. “Oh come in, come in”, she said and ushered me in to the drawing room, “Rizu would be coming anytime now,”
There was a boy playing on the carpet. I walked over to him and handed him the train set I had purchased on my way. He looked at me with large round eyes, the eye-brows arched picture perfect.
“He has your eyes”, I told her.
Kajol just smiled.
“Tell me, did you get to complete the doctorate?”, I asked.
“Oh that”, she rolled her eyes upwards. “It was pretty difficult – you know – with the guide dead, and no one else willing to take over, not to mention the pregnancy. Remember Puja – the one who had been nearly murdered at the professor’s residence – she is an assistant professor now. It was she who arranged another professor at her university – and finally got the degree – two years back.”
“Wow, congratulations!”, I said. It was so easy to talk to her – I had forgotten that. “So any job, career.”
“I have a full time job now”, she said evenly, “him”. She pointed at the boy. We both laughed.
I looked at him. He was silent. For a brief second I wondered whose boy he was – then I dismissed the thought – it was all immaterial. He was silent all through, opening up the toy and trying to fix us while all the time looking at us with those round eyes.
“What do you call him?”
“Ramesh”, she said. “Rizu insisted that we give him that name.”
I had a shock. I cleared my throats and asked, “By the way, when did you two get married?”
“Right after the divorce came through – just a civil registration affair with two witnesses”, she answered looking at me with a level gaze, “Of course, when he was born; I was still married to you and so he carries your surname too. Rizu didn’t want that changed either.”
I again looked at the boy. He was just a couple of feet away and he hadn’t spoken a word yet.
We both fell silent. I began thinking when it would be the proper time to leave.
“Papa”, the boy cried out and I had another shock. I looked behind. Riz was standing behind me. He looked at me and gave a nod. Then he walked over to the boy who was smiling now, his face split wide …
My mind had gone into a turmoil. Instantly, I recollected Riz calling out that he would be never speaking to me for life … now I knew that he meant
The second thing was the smile on the boy’s face. It revealed the uplifted dentures, that special combination of muscle and bone – the feature so well known to me – for I had been looking at that everyday when I had used the mirror.
Riz had flung his office bag and bounded to the child. Hoisting him up above his shoulder, he walked out to the garden. From outside, the sound of both of their jostling and laughter drifted through.
“Come, we will watch them play”, Kajol said and we both walked to the grilled verandah. The two of them were playing with a big beach ball.
“Before he was born, Rizu used to treat me like a princess – would you like this, would you like that – that sort of thing all the time. Afterwards”, she paused dramatically, “I have become the nanny – did he have his milk, when did he get up in the afternoon, did he have the protein supplement – that sort of thing.” She smiled slowly.
I dare not look at her. A lump was beginning in my throat. There was Rizu giving everything to my boy – the same boy that I didn’t want to give a chance to live. What was I doing here – I wondered. The three of them had made a life. What business did I have to linger further?
“Kajo”, I turned towards her, “I must go now.”
“Don’t be silly”, she said immediately, “Rizu would kill me. Wait till he is done with the child. He would have burst into tears when he saw you – only that that would have upset the child – so he ran out with him.”
I was stunned. I no longer knew what to say.
“Come, I will show you the house”, she led me in. “Here is for the two of them”, she showed me a room strewn with toys of all kinds. “I have strict instructions not to tidy up or disturb any of the things inside”, she laughed gaily. Then she took me to her room, a double bed in the center and with very basic furnishing.
“You must be tired from the long flight”, she said and before I could protest she had taken off my suit. “Lie down a while, you will feel good.” She wouldn’t hear a no from me and hustled me to the bed. I lay face down, glad for the full stretch. I could sense her sitting down besides me. Then her fingers were over my stiff neck and shoulder muscles, kneading softly. I felt the sensation of relaxing under those very familiar touches. My mind had gone into a blank …
“Kajo, when did you know that he was my boy?”
“I knew that all the time, right since the doctor had told the timing of conception. It was just before you had gone on your first foreign trip – to Singapore. No one else other than Rao had come inside me – the others … they … they … always had condoms. And with Rao it was after you had gone to Singapore.”
“Why didn’t you tell me then”, I croaked.
“I didn’t because, in your heart of hearts, you wouldn’t have believed me, no matter what I said. You always wanted the test – didn’t you. For you, I would have walked barefoot a hundred times over burning coal. But, no way, could I let our child undergo any test to satisfy you.”
“What if it had been someone else’s?”, I picked up the courage to ask.
“Wouldn’t have made any difference to me. After all it was your child as it is mine, no matter who the biological father be.”
I stayed silent for a while, trying to fight off the sleep waves, arising out of her rubbing my shoulder.
“How is your marriage with him?”
“What marriage – that is on paper only. You know, he is not meant for any of that …”, she said turning me over and looking into my eyes, “besides my interest for that sort of thing died on that day the professor had attacked. Anytime, any thoughts that could come in all these years”, she looked away, “it would always be with those images. And maybe it could have gone away with the care and understanding of someone, someone … you, only you … …”, she didn’t complete. Taking a deep breath, she said; “I have always been married to you, Ramesh. There can never be anyone else.”
I sat up bolt upright. “Where did I go wrong Kajo? I did only what you asked me.”
“Yes, you always do what someone tells you to, don’t you”, her voice had gone dry, “does it matter if that is right or wrong. You put up a system and expect it to work out automatically. Did I tell you to send the divorce notice? Where were you when I needed you most – when everything had gone dark around me – did you ever think if my doing phd was for the good of both of us – it has always been you and you – wasn’t it – why couldn’t maintain a relationship with Preeti or with your second wife – have you ever wondered – you always did what they said they wanted done – for you that was always right – even if they were wrong – you would never stand by them with their wrong decisions and the consequences – it was always you and your own way of thinking.”
I was stunned. Never did I imagine the volcano beneath her calm and serene façade. God! What must she have undergone these years?
“Kajo”, I caught her hands, “it’s not too late. Let’s get back together.”
“And Rizu?”, she asked and I felt like a cad once again. She gently, took away her hand. Her eyes were sad, the passions blown away since long. “Ramesh listen; both of us together have made mistakes, thinking that things will work out their way and without any effort from our end. We must pay for that, in this life. Let us accept that and be grateful for what we have.”
I looked down. Every word that she spoke was true. Each time, I had thought of myself only – even when allowing her to have her own way. There was nothing to say further.
Riz came bustling into the room and gave a hollow punch to my abdomen. I got up holding my belly. “Riz …”, I said.
“How dare you”, his eyes were flashing, “give my boy a small cheapskate of a toy?”
He was bristling and looking at me with murder in his eyes. Then he came nearer and hugged me tight, “Ramesh … must you go back today … …how long do you want me to look after them alone … … why won’t you come … …
I patted his back and this time had no compunction in letting the tears flow, “I will stay tonight … … and come back again … … and again. Next time I will bring him the biggest toy that the airline will allow me to carry.”
T H E E N D
At first sight I didn’t quite recognize her. She was clad in a saree, had put on weight and was wearing the headmistress type of glasses.
“Ramesh”, she said breaking into a smile.
“Kajo”, I gave her a look from top to bottom, “you look nice.”
“You mean fat, eh?”, she chuckled. “And look at you. Since when are you sporting a paunch?”
I shuffled my feet. “Oh come in, come in”, she said and ushered me in to the drawing room, “Rizu would be coming anytime now,”
There was a boy playing on the carpet. I walked over to him and handed him the train set I had purchased on my way. He looked at me with large round eyes, the eye-brows arched picture perfect.
“He has your eyes”, I told her.
Kajol just smiled.
“Tell me, did you get to complete the doctorate?”, I asked.
“Oh that”, she rolled her eyes upwards. “It was pretty difficult – you know – with the guide dead, and no one else willing to take over, not to mention the pregnancy. Remember Puja – the one who had been nearly murdered at the professor’s residence – she is an assistant professor now. It was she who arranged another professor at her university – and finally got the degree – two years back.”
“Wow, congratulations!”, I said. It was so easy to talk to her – I had forgotten that. “So any job, career.”
“I have a full time job now”, she said evenly, “him”. She pointed at the boy. We both laughed.
I looked at him. He was silent. For a brief second I wondered whose boy he was – then I dismissed the thought – it was all immaterial. He was silent all through, opening up the toy and trying to fix us while all the time looking at us with those round eyes.
“What do you call him?”
“Ramesh”, she said. “Rizu insisted that we give him that name.”
I had a shock. I cleared my throats and asked, “By the way, when did you two get married?”
“Right after the divorce came through – just a civil registration affair with two witnesses”, she answered looking at me with a level gaze, “Of course, when he was born; I was still married to you and so he carries your surname too. Rizu didn’t want that changed either.”
I again looked at the boy. He was just a couple of feet away and he hadn’t spoken a word yet.
We both fell silent. I began thinking when it would be the proper time to leave.
“Papa”, the boy cried out and I had another shock. I looked behind. Riz was standing behind me. He looked at me and gave a nod. Then he walked over to the boy who was smiling now, his face split wide …
My mind had gone into a turmoil. Instantly, I recollected Riz calling out that he would be never speaking to me for life … now I knew that he meant
The second thing was the smile on the boy’s face. It revealed the uplifted dentures, that special combination of muscle and bone – the feature so well known to me – for I had been looking at that everyday when I had used the mirror.
Riz had flung his office bag and bounded to the child. Hoisting him up above his shoulder, he walked out to the garden. From outside, the sound of both of their jostling and laughter drifted through.
“Come, we will watch them play”, Kajol said and we both walked to the grilled verandah. The two of them were playing with a big beach ball.
“Before he was born, Rizu used to treat me like a princess – would you like this, would you like that – that sort of thing all the time. Afterwards”, she paused dramatically, “I have become the nanny – did he have his milk, when did he get up in the afternoon, did he have the protein supplement – that sort of thing.” She smiled slowly.
I dare not look at her. A lump was beginning in my throat. There was Rizu giving everything to my boy – the same boy that I didn’t want to give a chance to live. What was I doing here – I wondered. The three of them had made a life. What business did I have to linger further?
“Kajo”, I turned towards her, “I must go now.”
“Don’t be silly”, she said immediately, “Rizu would kill me. Wait till he is done with the child. He would have burst into tears when he saw you – only that that would have upset the child – so he ran out with him.”
I was stunned. I no longer knew what to say.
“Come, I will show you the house”, she led me in. “Here is for the two of them”, she showed me a room strewn with toys of all kinds. “I have strict instructions not to tidy up or disturb any of the things inside”, she laughed gaily. Then she took me to her room, a double bed in the center and with very basic furnishing.
“You must be tired from the long flight”, she said and before I could protest she had taken off my suit. “Lie down a while, you will feel good.” She wouldn’t hear a no from me and hustled me to the bed. I lay face down, glad for the full stretch. I could sense her sitting down besides me. Then her fingers were over my stiff neck and shoulder muscles, kneading softly. I felt the sensation of relaxing under those very familiar touches. My mind had gone into a blank …
“Kajo, when did you know that he was my boy?”
“I knew that all the time, right since the doctor had told the timing of conception. It was just before you had gone on your first foreign trip – to Singapore. No one else other than Rao had come inside me – the others … they … they … always had condoms. And with Rao it was after you had gone to Singapore.”
“Why didn’t you tell me then”, I croaked.
“I didn’t because, in your heart of hearts, you wouldn’t have believed me, no matter what I said. You always wanted the test – didn’t you. For you, I would have walked barefoot a hundred times over burning coal. But, no way, could I let our child undergo any test to satisfy you.”
“What if it had been someone else’s?”, I picked up the courage to ask.
“Wouldn’t have made any difference to me. After all it was your child as it is mine, no matter who the biological father be.”
I stayed silent for a while, trying to fight off the sleep waves, arising out of her rubbing my shoulder.
“How is your marriage with him?”
“What marriage – that is on paper only. You know, he is not meant for any of that …”, she said turning me over and looking into my eyes, “besides my interest for that sort of thing died on that day the professor had attacked. Anytime, any thoughts that could come in all these years”, she looked away, “it would always be with those images. And maybe it could have gone away with the care and understanding of someone, someone … you, only you … …”, she didn’t complete. Taking a deep breath, she said; “I have always been married to you, Ramesh. There can never be anyone else.”
I sat up bolt upright. “Where did I go wrong Kajo? I did only what you asked me.”
“Yes, you always do what someone tells you to, don’t you”, her voice had gone dry, “does it matter if that is right or wrong. You put up a system and expect it to work out automatically. Did I tell you to send the divorce notice? Where were you when I needed you most – when everything had gone dark around me – did you ever think if my doing phd was for the good of both of us – it has always been you and you – wasn’t it – why couldn’t maintain a relationship with Preeti or with your second wife – have you ever wondered – you always did what they said they wanted done – for you that was always right – even if they were wrong – you would never stand by them with their wrong decisions and the consequences – it was always you and your own way of thinking.”
I was stunned. Never did I imagine the volcano beneath her calm and serene façade. God! What must she have undergone these years?
“Kajo”, I caught her hands, “it’s not too late. Let’s get back together.”
“And Rizu?”, she asked and I felt like a cad once again. She gently, took away her hand. Her eyes were sad, the passions blown away since long. “Ramesh listen; both of us together have made mistakes, thinking that things will work out their way and without any effort from our end. We must pay for that, in this life. Let us accept that and be grateful for what we have.”
I looked down. Every word that she spoke was true. Each time, I had thought of myself only – even when allowing her to have her own way. There was nothing to say further.
Riz came bustling into the room and gave a hollow punch to my abdomen. I got up holding my belly. “Riz …”, I said.
“How dare you”, his eyes were flashing, “give my boy a small cheapskate of a toy?”
He was bristling and looking at me with murder in his eyes. Then he came nearer and hugged me tight, “Ramesh … must you go back today … …how long do you want me to look after them alone … … why won’t you come … …
I patted his back and this time had no compunction in letting the tears flow, “I will stay tonight … … and come back again … … and again. Next time I will bring him the biggest toy that the airline will allow me to carry.”
T H E E N D
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