Yesterday, 10:04 AM
(This post was last modified: Yesterday, 10:05 AM by Celebrorn. Edited 1 time in total. Edited 1 time in total.)
Chapter 3
I could hear loud laughter from outside, loud men laughing really hard. Laughter that I wasn't a part of always made me nervous, because my mind immediately assumed the worst - that they were laughing at me. Maybe when I stepped out, they would all ridicule me together for daring to dress like this. Maybe this was all an elaborate plan to humiliate me. Why else would a man want to marry me?
I heard steps coming towards the room, and my heart was racing fast. The door opened and it was mom, which calmed my nerves slightly.
Mom held me by the shoulder and gently pulled me to my feet - Come... they're ready for you now.
She looked into my nervous eyes, which seemed like could cry at the slightest provocation. She tried to calm me - It's will all go well. Just speak a bit quietly and keep your eyes lowered. If you feel nervous or afraid, just look at me. All of my focus will be on you.
I nodded as she led me outside.
I couldn't believe that I was going out like this in my house in front of everyone... to meet a MAN I might get married to. That was definitely not how I thought my day would unfold when I woke up this morning.
As I entered into the living room of our house, I could hear some quiet gasps of disbelief. I wasn't sure who they came from, but I felt every pair of eyes locked on me, even though I kept my gaze lowered.
My mom smiled and calmly announced - Here's Kanika... finally ready.
I heard an older woman's warm voice - She's beautiful, like an angel. Looks just like you Sudha, just younger.
That must have been Raj Uncle's mother. Mom guided me forward and placed me beside her. The elderly woman gently took my hand and caressed it. I felt relieved that I had been paying a lot of attention to my nails and hands lately as they looked immaculately.
She turned to Raj and said - As always, your choice is excellent. She looks so innocent and sweet.
I was still looking down so couldn't see Raj Uncle's reaction, but I could feel butterflies in my stomach. He chose me, but why?
She asked me - Beta... you are in college?
I silently nodded as I kept looking down.
Raj's mother - And what are you studying?
My voice barely came out, it was almost a whisper - Bachelor's in Commerce... 3rd year...
Hearing my voice, she paused a bit - Her voice... sounds a bit... coarse..
Of course it did. No matter how much I practiced, my voice wasn’t as soft as a woman’s yet. If I had spoken any louder, she would have noticed something was off.
Dad quickly jumped to intervene - She has been sick over the last few days... sore throat...
Raj's mother - Oh I see... hmmm... can I ask a couple of personal questions if you don't mind?
No one raised any objections, so she took that as a yes and moved ahead - Do you have any boyfriends or male friends in college?
I shook my head and whispered - No...
Raj's mother - Any boyfriends in the past?
I once again said No.
A smile came across her face, as she said - Sudha... she is mine from today. Shall we fix the marriage date?
Mom was hesitating - But aunty... we haven't even...
Dad cut off Mom in between - Yes.. aunty ji... she is all yours now.
Raj's mother didn't seem to like my mom's question, her voice becoming a bit sharper - No, let Sudha ask her question... she wanted to ask something.
Mom's voice wavered even more - No... I... just... it's nothing...
Raj cleared his throat to say something - Uhhhmmm... Mummy... it's only natural for Sudha and Vijay to have questions. After all, you are asking for their precious daughter.
Raj's mother remained silent for a bit and then said - I thought you knew Raj well enough and that this was just a formality. But I guess, I should explain.
Raj's mother continued, her voice becoming emotional - You all know Anita... Raj's wife passed away some 13-14 years back. I asked him to remarry then, but he didn't want to remarry for Ananya's sake. He didn't want her to have a bad stepmother. He spent his youth alone, working and raising his daughter. It's hard for anyone to live such a life.
Raj's mother started to tear up talking about this.
Raj came sat next to her - Mummy... it's ok...
Raj's mother wiped her tears - Let me finish... But now that Ananya has gone abroad for her studies, I feel he should reconsider his decision. We all know Ananya will settle abroad, and Raj will be left here all alone. Look at him, he is still young...
Raj laughed lightly - Haha, I am not so sure about that... you should ask Sudha about it.
Raj's mother gave Raj an irritated look - Shut up! Look Sudha... I started looking for girls for him. There is no shortage of interest. He is handsome, fit, successful, wealthy. But... I don't want 30 plus, second hand used aunties for him.
I was listening to all of this, such was the hypocrisy of this woman. 30 plus ladies were "used aunties", and his 40 plus son was still a young man!
Raj's mother continued - We saw younger girl's too, some even younger than Kanika here. But... you know how girls are these days. They don't respect our culture, not virgins anymore and I feel they are just after his money.
Obviously... times have changed grandma...
Raj's mother - Then last month, Raj mentioned your family, and how Vijay has maintained a sense of discipline at his home. It's then when I found out that you have a daughter. I never even knew you had a daughter.
My heart was beating fast again. I am not sure why Raj Uncle told his mother that I was a girl rather than a boy.
Raj's mother - I had to push him hard to talk to Vijay about this. Vijay... he knows you and Sudha since college days, and trusts you a lot. It's that trust that brought us here. Yes, there is an age difference, but beyond that there is nothing to say no to.
Raj tried to slow her down - Mummy... we should let Sudha and Vijay take time to decide this.
Dad - There is nothing to think about, it's a yes from our side.
Mom spoke up carefully - I think... maybe Kanika and Raj can have a chat first? Alone...
Raj's mother - Oh yes yes... She looks too shy to ask anything here in front of everyone. Feel comfortable to ask anything on you mind Kanika.
Mom - Absolutely... Kanika... Raj... please come...
I held my breath as I followed her. I could feel that Raj Uncle was right behind me. Mom led us to her room, which I was happy about, my room was a mess right now with getting dressed for this meeting. As we entered the room, mom stood at the door and the two of us walked inside.
Mom - I will leave it slightly opened, but you can talk freely. Raj... please make her feel comfortable to speak her mind.
Raj - Don't worry about it Sudha...
As mom was closing the door I quickly glanced up to the door, feeling extremely anxious about being left here alone with Raj Uncle. I looked towards him, as though I had never seen him before. But it was true that I had never really observed him this closely before. He was just one of dad's many friends that came to our house. But one that always seemed interested in me.
He was tall... much much taller than my 5'5. And as I quickly glanced at him, he didn't have a pot belly like dad, a fit body, well fitted pants and shining shoes. As I scanned upwards, he had a full head full of black hair, and nicely groomed facial hair. He looked older, but definitely not an old man.
I scolded myself, why was I looking at him like that, I was never going to accept this marriage proposal.
Raj Uncle smiled at me said - Have a seat Kanika... it's your house after all.
My feet tried to move back towards the bed and having found the bed frame, I sat down. Raj Uncle grabbed a chair in the room, and sat directly opposite me. He was quietly looking at me, probably observing me the same way I was him.
Raj Uncle - So... how is college going? Are the classes still as boring as first year.
After the questions outside, that was not the first question I was expecting from him. I tried to find my voice - Uhhh... it's fine... you know...
I remembered how I liked sharing things with him when he came. Unlike other grown ups, he seemed to always want to keenly listen to me and ask questions about what was going on in my life.
Raj Uncle - I thought so, I am sure it's still a slog. Ummm.... firstly, I wanted to apologize on behalf of my mother for all of her questions outside.
Somehow I was able to speak more freely in front of him - No... it's ok...
Raj Uncle - That's kind of you. Do you understand the proposal that has been laid out? I want to make sure I have your consent before we moved forward with this.
It was again a surprising question. So far the adults in my house did not seem to care about my consent, and here is the man who supposedly proposed this whole thing, asking for my consent.
I was trying to find the right words - I... I understand it... but... I don't think I can...
Raj - It's totally normal to feel that way. The only reason I proposed this was that I always felt I could easily connect with you, and could see you as my life partner.
Oh god, he was being so direct. Has he even forgotten who I was?
Me - Uncle... you know... about me... right?
Raj - You can call me Raj. And yes, ofcourse... I know everything...
Me - And you still want to... marry me?
Raj - Yes, absolutely. With experience in life, you understand what truly matters in a life partner, more than anything else, ever more than things that are not in anyone's control.
I was looking at him, unsure of what to say next.
Raj - I know how challenging it must be for you, to not only try to understand the world, but also understand yourself. Can I ask one question?
Me - Yes...
Raj - Are you attracted towards a specific gender? Men or women... I can totally see it being confusing in your situation.
My friend Riya had asked me the same question the other day, and I had deflected it then. But I knew in my heart that somehow looking at a handsome strong boy made my knees go weak and heart flutter. I knew the answer to this question deep inside, but didn't know how to express it.
Me - Yes... it's a bit complicated... but... yes, I feel like a woman... a heterosexual woman.
There, that was perfect. I somehow found the right words to convey what I wanted to say.
Raj smiled at me and seemingly echoed my thoughts - That's perfect! Then there is no confusion at all. You are a woman, and you are attracted to men.
It felt so good when he said - you are a woman. Not "like a woman", but a woman. That's exactly who I was inside.
Raj - I can see already see you have made a lot of progress since we last met. The saree looks beautiful on you.
I couldn't believe I was speaking my mind - Yes... but I think there is still things that need work.
Raj - Absolutely... and I will be fully supportive of you achieving those milestones. Not because I think you need fixing, but because I want you to feel confident. I think you are extremely beautiful as you are.
What was this feeling that was tearing me up. Why was he being so nice to me?
Raj - You don't have to decide right now. I want you to be comfortable first. Let's complete your transition and you can decide after that.
I instinctively blurted out - But your mother?
Raj smiled - She is my problem to deal with...
I quietly whispered - I just need a bit of time to think...
Raj - Absolutely... let's go out now... they must be waiting outside. I really enjoyed our conversation today.
Something in me made me quickly reply - Me too...
Raj stood up and waited for me, and we silently made our way out to the living room. There was a lot to unpack and inform, but I was going to let Raj do the talking.
Mom came near me and held me gently by my arm and whispered in my ear - That took time... and I could hear your voice too...
Was she spying on us the whole time. That made me feel not so good.
Me - Yeah... it was just...
Raj quickly announced to the room - I spoke to Kanika... and I think its appropriate that we give her some time to think.
Dad grumbled as he said that, and Raj's mother seemed a bit unhappy too. A smile came across my face, it wasn't all quite what I had thought it would be. I wasn't just being pawned off to someone, it looked like I had a say in this.
Mom looked at me and hugged my shoulder, she seemed a bit relieved too - Let me setup the dinner... Kanika... come... help me please.
Mom dragged me away from the continuing discussion in the living room, which gave me some time to reflect on the whole thing without hearing conversation which would make me mad. This reflection would continue on to next week.
I could hear loud laughter from outside, loud men laughing really hard. Laughter that I wasn't a part of always made me nervous, because my mind immediately assumed the worst - that they were laughing at me. Maybe when I stepped out, they would all ridicule me together for daring to dress like this. Maybe this was all an elaborate plan to humiliate me. Why else would a man want to marry me?
I heard steps coming towards the room, and my heart was racing fast. The door opened and it was mom, which calmed my nerves slightly.
Mom held me by the shoulder and gently pulled me to my feet - Come... they're ready for you now.
She looked into my nervous eyes, which seemed like could cry at the slightest provocation. She tried to calm me - It's will all go well. Just speak a bit quietly and keep your eyes lowered. If you feel nervous or afraid, just look at me. All of my focus will be on you.
I nodded as she led me outside.
I couldn't believe that I was going out like this in my house in front of everyone... to meet a MAN I might get married to. That was definitely not how I thought my day would unfold when I woke up this morning.
As I entered into the living room of our house, I could hear some quiet gasps of disbelief. I wasn't sure who they came from, but I felt every pair of eyes locked on me, even though I kept my gaze lowered.
My mom smiled and calmly announced - Here's Kanika... finally ready.
I heard an older woman's warm voice - She's beautiful, like an angel. Looks just like you Sudha, just younger.
That must have been Raj Uncle's mother. Mom guided me forward and placed me beside her. The elderly woman gently took my hand and caressed it. I felt relieved that I had been paying a lot of attention to my nails and hands lately as they looked immaculately.
She turned to Raj and said - As always, your choice is excellent. She looks so innocent and sweet.
I was still looking down so couldn't see Raj Uncle's reaction, but I could feel butterflies in my stomach. He chose me, but why?
She asked me - Beta... you are in college?
I silently nodded as I kept looking down.
Raj's mother - And what are you studying?
My voice barely came out, it was almost a whisper - Bachelor's in Commerce... 3rd year...
Hearing my voice, she paused a bit - Her voice... sounds a bit... coarse..
Of course it did. No matter how much I practiced, my voice wasn’t as soft as a woman’s yet. If I had spoken any louder, she would have noticed something was off.
Dad quickly jumped to intervene - She has been sick over the last few days... sore throat...
Raj's mother - Oh I see... hmmm... can I ask a couple of personal questions if you don't mind?
No one raised any objections, so she took that as a yes and moved ahead - Do you have any boyfriends or male friends in college?
I shook my head and whispered - No...
Raj's mother - Any boyfriends in the past?
I once again said No.
A smile came across her face, as she said - Sudha... she is mine from today. Shall we fix the marriage date?
Mom was hesitating - But aunty... we haven't even...
Dad cut off Mom in between - Yes.. aunty ji... she is all yours now.
Raj's mother didn't seem to like my mom's question, her voice becoming a bit sharper - No, let Sudha ask her question... she wanted to ask something.
Mom's voice wavered even more - No... I... just... it's nothing...
Raj cleared his throat to say something - Uhhhmmm... Mummy... it's only natural for Sudha and Vijay to have questions. After all, you are asking for their precious daughter.
Raj's mother remained silent for a bit and then said - I thought you knew Raj well enough and that this was just a formality. But I guess, I should explain.
Raj's mother continued, her voice becoming emotional - You all know Anita... Raj's wife passed away some 13-14 years back. I asked him to remarry then, but he didn't want to remarry for Ananya's sake. He didn't want her to have a bad stepmother. He spent his youth alone, working and raising his daughter. It's hard for anyone to live such a life.
Raj's mother started to tear up talking about this.
Raj came sat next to her - Mummy... it's ok...
Raj's mother wiped her tears - Let me finish... But now that Ananya has gone abroad for her studies, I feel he should reconsider his decision. We all know Ananya will settle abroad, and Raj will be left here all alone. Look at him, he is still young...
Raj laughed lightly - Haha, I am not so sure about that... you should ask Sudha about it.
Raj's mother gave Raj an irritated look - Shut up! Look Sudha... I started looking for girls for him. There is no shortage of interest. He is handsome, fit, successful, wealthy. But... I don't want 30 plus, second hand used aunties for him.
I was listening to all of this, such was the hypocrisy of this woman. 30 plus ladies were "used aunties", and his 40 plus son was still a young man!
Raj's mother continued - We saw younger girl's too, some even younger than Kanika here. But... you know how girls are these days. They don't respect our culture, not virgins anymore and I feel they are just after his money.
Obviously... times have changed grandma...
Raj's mother - Then last month, Raj mentioned your family, and how Vijay has maintained a sense of discipline at his home. It's then when I found out that you have a daughter. I never even knew you had a daughter.
My heart was beating fast again. I am not sure why Raj Uncle told his mother that I was a girl rather than a boy.
Raj's mother - I had to push him hard to talk to Vijay about this. Vijay... he knows you and Sudha since college days, and trusts you a lot. It's that trust that brought us here. Yes, there is an age difference, but beyond that there is nothing to say no to.
Raj tried to slow her down - Mummy... we should let Sudha and Vijay take time to decide this.
Dad - There is nothing to think about, it's a yes from our side.
Mom spoke up carefully - I think... maybe Kanika and Raj can have a chat first? Alone...
Raj's mother - Oh yes yes... She looks too shy to ask anything here in front of everyone. Feel comfortable to ask anything on you mind Kanika.
Mom - Absolutely... Kanika... Raj... please come...
I held my breath as I followed her. I could feel that Raj Uncle was right behind me. Mom led us to her room, which I was happy about, my room was a mess right now with getting dressed for this meeting. As we entered the room, mom stood at the door and the two of us walked inside.
Mom - I will leave it slightly opened, but you can talk freely. Raj... please make her feel comfortable to speak her mind.
Raj - Don't worry about it Sudha...
As mom was closing the door I quickly glanced up to the door, feeling extremely anxious about being left here alone with Raj Uncle. I looked towards him, as though I had never seen him before. But it was true that I had never really observed him this closely before. He was just one of dad's many friends that came to our house. But one that always seemed interested in me.
He was tall... much much taller than my 5'5. And as I quickly glanced at him, he didn't have a pot belly like dad, a fit body, well fitted pants and shining shoes. As I scanned upwards, he had a full head full of black hair, and nicely groomed facial hair. He looked older, but definitely not an old man.
I scolded myself, why was I looking at him like that, I was never going to accept this marriage proposal.
Raj Uncle smiled at me said - Have a seat Kanika... it's your house after all.
My feet tried to move back towards the bed and having found the bed frame, I sat down. Raj Uncle grabbed a chair in the room, and sat directly opposite me. He was quietly looking at me, probably observing me the same way I was him.
Raj Uncle - So... how is college going? Are the classes still as boring as first year.
After the questions outside, that was not the first question I was expecting from him. I tried to find my voice - Uhhh... it's fine... you know...
I remembered how I liked sharing things with him when he came. Unlike other grown ups, he seemed to always want to keenly listen to me and ask questions about what was going on in my life.
Raj Uncle - I thought so, I am sure it's still a slog. Ummm.... firstly, I wanted to apologize on behalf of my mother for all of her questions outside.
Somehow I was able to speak more freely in front of him - No... it's ok...
Raj Uncle - That's kind of you. Do you understand the proposal that has been laid out? I want to make sure I have your consent before we moved forward with this.
It was again a surprising question. So far the adults in my house did not seem to care about my consent, and here is the man who supposedly proposed this whole thing, asking for my consent.
I was trying to find the right words - I... I understand it... but... I don't think I can...
Raj - It's totally normal to feel that way. The only reason I proposed this was that I always felt I could easily connect with you, and could see you as my life partner.
Oh god, he was being so direct. Has he even forgotten who I was?
Me - Uncle... you know... about me... right?
Raj - You can call me Raj. And yes, ofcourse... I know everything...
Me - And you still want to... marry me?
Raj - Yes, absolutely. With experience in life, you understand what truly matters in a life partner, more than anything else, ever more than things that are not in anyone's control.
I was looking at him, unsure of what to say next.
Raj - I know how challenging it must be for you, to not only try to understand the world, but also understand yourself. Can I ask one question?
Me - Yes...
Raj - Are you attracted towards a specific gender? Men or women... I can totally see it being confusing in your situation.
My friend Riya had asked me the same question the other day, and I had deflected it then. But I knew in my heart that somehow looking at a handsome strong boy made my knees go weak and heart flutter. I knew the answer to this question deep inside, but didn't know how to express it.
Me - Yes... it's a bit complicated... but... yes, I feel like a woman... a heterosexual woman.
There, that was perfect. I somehow found the right words to convey what I wanted to say.
Raj smiled at me and seemingly echoed my thoughts - That's perfect! Then there is no confusion at all. You are a woman, and you are attracted to men.
It felt so good when he said - you are a woman. Not "like a woman", but a woman. That's exactly who I was inside.
Raj - I can see already see you have made a lot of progress since we last met. The saree looks beautiful on you.
I couldn't believe I was speaking my mind - Yes... but I think there is still things that need work.
Raj - Absolutely... and I will be fully supportive of you achieving those milestones. Not because I think you need fixing, but because I want you to feel confident. I think you are extremely beautiful as you are.
What was this feeling that was tearing me up. Why was he being so nice to me?
Raj - You don't have to decide right now. I want you to be comfortable first. Let's complete your transition and you can decide after that.
I instinctively blurted out - But your mother?
Raj smiled - She is my problem to deal with...
I quietly whispered - I just need a bit of time to think...
Raj - Absolutely... let's go out now... they must be waiting outside. I really enjoyed our conversation today.
Something in me made me quickly reply - Me too...
Raj stood up and waited for me, and we silently made our way out to the living room. There was a lot to unpack and inform, but I was going to let Raj do the talking.
Mom came near me and held me gently by my arm and whispered in my ear - That took time... and I could hear your voice too...
Was she spying on us the whole time. That made me feel not so good.
Me - Yeah... it was just...
Raj quickly announced to the room - I spoke to Kanika... and I think its appropriate that we give her some time to think.
Dad grumbled as he said that, and Raj's mother seemed a bit unhappy too. A smile came across my face, it wasn't all quite what I had thought it would be. I wasn't just being pawned off to someone, it looked like I had a say in this.
Mom looked at me and hugged my shoulder, she seemed a bit relieved too - Let me setup the dinner... Kanika... come... help me please.
Mom dragged me away from the continuing discussion in the living room, which gave me some time to reflect on the whole thing without hearing conversation which would make me mad. This reflection would continue on to next week.
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