Adultery An Old Dept Has To Be Paid (Meena and Nadir's life story)

[Demeter]

I thought to myself, well, the situation is slowly becoming critical and our life together is now dependent on this conversation…

"Did you kiss him sexually? I mean lips… tongue… mouth? French kissing?" I asked her immediately.

Meena: "Yes, but more than that,"

Me: "You...really did you have no sex with him, never in these days, not even touching of his dick on your body or pussy?"

Meena: "No. I am so sorry that I did things that were not allowed, I don't mean morally but in my own way of thinking and believe and in relation to our relationship, I mean mine and yours..."

Me: "How many times?"

Meena: “Excuse me?”

Me: "How many times did you do those ‘not intercourse’ things?"

Meena: "Does it matter?"

Me: "Yes."

Meena: "Why?"

Me: "Because I want to know if this was a one off mistake or a prolonged affair…"

Meena: "It was not an affair, Nadir ... but two times, I mean if you include the erotic kiss then Three or four times...."

Me: "Four times or four nights?"

Meena: "No nights."

Me: "You came back all nights home, alone?"

Meena: "Yes."

Me: "Is he...............bigger than me?"

Meena: "Why are you asking me that?"

Me: "Just answer me."

Meena: "I thought you saw the picture,"

Me: "But you saw it in real life, right?"

Meena: "Yes, but only in darkness,"

Me: "And you had it in your hand,"

Me: Meena: "Yes, sort of bigger. A bit thicker but he is much longer,"

Me "Bigger than Mansour?"

Meena: "No.... I don’t know..."

Me: "You know for sure Meena, you know that from your uncle,"

Meena: “Let me see… Yes, he was longer but not thicker, I think …”

Me: "Has he entered you?"

Meena: “No way, he wasn’t even close…,”

Me: "Were you or he naked?"

Meena: "No, never..."

Me: “What did he more than kissing?

Meena: "He touched me and rubbed me,"

Me: “You mean your tits, legs, or pussy?“

Meena: "Yes, all three, but just over my panty,"

Me: “And that made you wet?“

Meena: "Yes,"

Me: "Did you cum?"

Meena: "Yes,"

Me: "How many times and where,"

Meena: "Two times, first time in his house and the day before yesterday in the movie theatre,"

Me:"Did he cum?"

Meena: "Yes,"

Me: "Every time? How many times?"

Meena: "No, not every time, he came only one time,"

Me: "Did you suck his dick?"

Meena: "No,"

Me: "Why not?"

Mena: "I didn’t want and he did not too, I mean he didn’t asked for it,"

Me: "How did he cum then?"

Meena: "I rubbed him, and he came in my hands. Nadir, I must say something here, I know that deep in your heart you believe me because you know me, it may sound weird to draw the line there after such a mistake …"

Me: "And did he go down on you?"

Meena: "No, perhaps he would have done, but I did not allow the matter to come to this,"

Me: "Were you drunk on any of those occasions?"

Meena: "Yes, I think a little bit, at least the first days, otherwise under no circumstances would something like that has happened."

Me: "Did you....do you love him?"

Meena: "No, of course not! I love you, Nadir!"

Me: "At those moments, the moments of erotic closeness, did you... think you loved him?"

Meena: "......"

Me: "Well?"

Meena: "Maybe."

Me: "What is maybe? Yes, or no?"

Meena: "It's not that simple, it depends on what love is meant."

Me: "Yes, it is, so simple, you know love since your childhood."

Meena: "No, it isn't. Yes, I like him enough to consider being with him sexually, but just in one case would I do that and go so far, just when you want it and let it occur. But, all the time, with or without him, I knew that you were and are the only one I could love and spend my life with. I don’t know, perhaps I wanted his attention, and I don’t know why, but I know that I do not love him, this is not love, I know love since I was a teenager and met you…
And all the time since this began, I wanted to speak with you, to tell you, I didn’t want to keep it hidden, Nadir. I know that the silence is not the answer. Silence is dangerous. Silence and shame are a killer combination. I was not unfaithful to you all my life, perhaps these days I drank too much. I just didn’t know how to tell you, I cannot pretend I didn’t what I did, I cannot pretend I wouldn’t, I cannot pretend I hadn’t…I felt very guilty every second that I had erotic feelings next to him,"
And after a short pause while she was thinking, she went on, "Excuse me Nadir, I think you are right, I am so sorry, that was a mistake."

Meena began to cry again, with her hands on her face, covering her eyes...

Me: "Ok. We go on. How come you could orgasm just by a short touching and rubbing so quickly … Normally it takes more minutes even while real sex?"

Meena: "Yes, but with him there was the added element of it being forbidden and wrong. I think that made me cum sooner. Sorry... I wasn't proud of what I was doing, and I am not proud of it … I am so sorry..."

Me: "Admit Meena, this was not a mistake or mistakes, you were really unfaithful."

Meena: "I am sorry. If you want to divorce me, I completely understand. But I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you…"

Me: "That's all platitudes until I can ascertain the level of your intimacy with him."

Meena: "Okay.... but let me finish. Also, I can understand if you just want to divorce me and never see me again. I will agree to the divorce on the terms of your choosing, although that divorce will devastate me. But....if you end up divorcing me because of this, I would rather that you did it quickly. And knowing all these details about what happened between me and him... will just make your resentment fester."

Me: "So I should pretend that it never happened?"

Meena: "No, Nadir! You aren't getting me point."

Me: "What is your point?"

Meena: "No! I am not saying that! It happened. I wish I could undo it, but I can't. It happened."

Me: "Then what is your point?"

Meena: "My point is… I am not the only one who guilty is… but it is useless to discuss it… Never mind, it makes no sense,"

Me: "No, tell me your point."

Meena: "Look Nadir, think about your game or games, and your demand to watch me… In this relation, you see people as just instruments, dolls to play with, and you demand or rather command them to play as you want and you direct... They should play as you wish, and no one can take his or her own will and feelings, seriously.
You want to control everything. Is that fair? 
Don't you see the selfish potential behind it?
I've almost always accepted that, I didn't want to lose you, what else could I do?
But the others, some don't want that... Some go their own way and if you want to have them in your game you have to accept that, or to leave it…
You have to take the risk that at some point something will go wrong with your plans...
With me too you have to always keep the risk in mind I am also a human being with weaknesses and strengths and often make mistakes.
Maybe even fatal mistakes that require sacrifices or are not correctable and can hurt you.
I have warned you so many times, Nadir… I know you, perhaps better than you know yourself, I know that in some cases you take risks whose consequences may be unbearable for you... but you go without considering it, so self-confident and sure of success and yes, at some point catastrophe occurs...
I love you so much, Nadir... I don't want to lose you, because that would mean losing myself too. But I accept your decision and if you want, we can go our separate ways... you should just know and remember, when I did something, I basically focused on your game scenario, maybe I missed or lost your game plan somewhere along the way, but you were always there and that was always based on your scenario… Sometimes more, sometimes less…
You know better, slips and slides are unavoidable in such a thing, with you high intelligence, your life experience behind you, you had to know that well…
You should not only look for the fault and guilt by others, and you should also not start the story from the middle, but read the first pages too, then you can see and recognize the guilty part or parts and his, her or their motives better and more clearly...
We both need healing, but to be healed, you have to go deep into your wounds…
I was most of all being unfaithful to myself, more than you…
We want loving stability from each other, we need someone to make us feel loved, cared for and adored and sometimes we want the excitement from the eyeballs of others, too. This is what makes you and me to think and play our games, in reality your games.
I, as a normal woman, want to be loved consistently and longingly and as a woman I also want people to think I am fun, cool, sexy, attractive, pretty, and more. We all deserve to have fun, but the limits are important. This is not cheating on you, Nadir. This is normal, but the red lines are important.
Perhaps I wanted someone, he to choose me - so much so, but I didn’t lose myself time and time again giving myself to him, doesn't matter if he deserves me or not. For me, I stayed in the territory of your right over me. Perhaps moments of one or two centimetres over the line, but still in your territory… any part of me was there with you, physical and emotional.
I have now really the feeling that I broke your heart into smithereens, and you didn't deserve it, this is a nightmare for me.
You think you have found out, that the person you are in love with, betrayed You. But is this so? Did I this to you really? Is this not your false feeling? Is this not vanity and unnecessary and excessive jealousy?
I see pained anguish on your face as if you broke down, telling me how much I had hurt you. But did I this so?
If you mean I should go to my lover, you mean in the highest way my sexual partner, That's not true either. We don't have a sexual relationship, for me that was a somewhat exaggerated seductive activity on his part, or at least on my part. Maybe and certainly, he wanted more and still wants more…
Should I tell you something? in a few months he is migrating to the USA and he definitely wants to take me with him as a life partner or maybe even his wife if I say yes... He loves me and I know that he can be a very pleasant life partner and make every normal woman lucky and providential, he wants and can offer me everything, not just materially and emotionally, should I go with him? Do you really want this, when you say go to your lover?
That hurts me... that hurts me so much Nadir, that pushes me directly into the pain. But as I said, in this moment none of this is important, in this moment I leave the decision to you and how you decide, I will do it, have I ever done anything else in my life?
You must not think about me and my feelings, think and decide as you want and your feelings are, just remember, sometimes some decisions cannot be taken back…If at the end of your thinkings and this talking, you come to a conclusion that I am really a cheating wife for you, then it’s useless, our being together has no meaning and sense..."

Meena stopped talking and looked into my eyes with moist eyes, waiting.
The last sentences were very touching for me, or rather painful.
I felt a tightness and pressure in my chest.
I had to get up and leave.
I couldn't sit there and speak, anymore. I needed time and rest. My thoughts needed to calm down.

I stood up and said, "I have to get upstairs for a minute, I'll be right back, I need a short break," and left the room…

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Smell it, but don't tear it off

Demeter

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-- tbc --