Adultery The Naughtiest Wife

[reema4uhoney]

Chapter 24: Redemption

Redemption, if that’s what it was, came not all at once, but in a slow, agonizing drift as the seconds, minutes, and hours drifted by like leaves on the surface of a slow-moving river. Every minute that passed seemed to increase the odds of survival, but the passage of one minute to the next did not guarantee it. For the first hour Shubhangi and Richa sat in stunned silence, with their arms crossed over their chest as their brain processed the reality of their situation. The first hour was the worst except perhaps for the dying hour which would come later. Shubhangi just didn’t know if later was this afternoon or at some point 40 years hence. Did anyone really?

 

The tears came next, Shubhangi and Richa’s started within moments of each other. They were hot tears that spilled from the corners of Shubhangi’s eyes slowly at first and then with increasing rapidity. They were not the tears of sadness or regret. Those would come later. These were the tears of fear and each one that fell only increased that fear in exponential rapidity. Shubhangi felt trapped by time itself. There was nothing to do but wait. Patience is a virtue, they say, but what was Shubhangi waiting for? Each minute that past moved them ever closer to relief or death and Shubhangi was powerless to stop the flow of the river of time. It was terrifying beyond what written words can express. The sobs came next and Shubhangi’s hands shook in nervous jitters and she wondered if this was the product of her emotions or some hellish poison that coursed through her blood.

 

Shubhangi and Richa found each other and they clung to each other like shipwreck victims in a frothing, angry sea. Richa’s tears were as hot as Shubhangi’s and they held each other closely, and fiercely. A single thought occurred to Shubhangi as she held Richa. What if Richa went before Shubhangi? ‘God please no’, Shubhangi prayed, she could not bear witness to the hell of watching Richa die before her eyes, knowing that nothing could save her. And also knowing her own death loomed perhaps only minutes after Richa’s.

 

Shubhangi shivered and pulled Richa closer to her. “I love you…” Shubhangi whispered between the shivering sobs that racked her body. And she did love Richa. The sound of Shubhangi’s voice was racked with fear and sadness, and Richa sobbed harder at Shubhangi’s words. When the sobbing subsided in slow choked gasps, Shubhangi kissed Richa’s face tenderly and Richa kissed Shubhangi’s. Richa tears tasted salty, and Shubhangi was overcome with a terrible sense of loss. Shubhangi smiled at Richa’s beauty, for she was beautiful even in what might very well be her death.

 

Richa smiled back with wet eyes and tear streaked cheeks. Even now there was the radiance of life in her. ‘This can’t be happening’, Shubhangi’s mind screamed, but it was happening. And it was hell.

 

“I think…I’ve bad taste in men…” Richa said trying to turn the corner of her mouth up in a smile, but not quite able to force it to come.

 

Shubhangi laughed in emotional release, more than humour, she would not have thought it possible, but somehow Richa still bring laughter to Shubhangi. And the fact that Richa could still radiate that glow that was uniquely Richa touched Shubhangi’s heart beyond anything Shubhangi have ever felt before.

 

“Richa…I’ve had my share of bad dates…but I don’t think anyone will top this…” Shubhangi replied finding that sarcasm and humour were as a good a defence against how she really felt as any. Richa grinned at Shubhangi with humour but also with a sadness that twisted in Shubhangi’s heart. Shubhangi would remember that face for as long as she lived, which might not be a very long time at all. They hugged again tightly each taking comfort from the warmth of the other.

 

“I’m so fucking sorry…” Richa said as she pressed her body into Shubhangi’s fiercely.

 

“Me too…” Shubhangi said, and they cried again; two lost souls clinging to hope in a frothing sea of anguish.

 

* * * * * *

 

What seemed like years of hell later, Shubhangi looked at the clock in the kitchen. It read 2:47 pm which her mind translated into 2 hours since they began their death watch, as she’d come to think of it. They estimated that they had ingested Chad’s hellish cocktail at around 9:00 pm the night before. That left them with 12 hours or so to wait for whatever may happen. They had no basis for this theoretical deadline, but if felt right and Shubhangi was learning to trust those feelings. Only hours left to redemption, or maybe much less than that to death. The more time that passed the more Shubhangi was convinced that this was a cruel game of God’s.

 

Each minute that passed seemed to give more hope, but rather than sooth Shubhangi, the clock seemed to be marching toward death. Unstoppable and irrevocable time marched toward death that lurked near enough that Shubhangi could feel its cold breath on her skin. Was it seconds away? Minutes? Hours?

 

Shubhangi mind was no longer numb, but surprisingly full of lists. Her mind seemed to speed ahead as if in some race against the Devil himself, burning up the emotional energy churning through her by making list after endless list. Lists of friends she wanted to say good bye to. Lists of people she’d wronged and should apologize to. Lists of regrets and opportunities lost. Her whole life seemed reduced to lists and lists. When Shubhangi was in college, there was a game they used to play in their dormitory. They would sit around in a circle of someone’s drinking cheap beer, hoping that their R/A did not smell the alcohol or marijuana smoke that drifted through room. Those were the days when Shubhangi was young and sure that she would live forever.

 

The game didn’t even have a name, but they played it several times on nights when there just didn’t seem like there was anything better than being with good friends drinking cheap beer.

It always started with the same question “What would you do if you found out you only had 1 day to live?”

 

They started at random and went around the circle telling the group what they, the immortals, would do if they found out they were mortal and on a short clock. This idea was clearly ridiculous, and the answers always were fun and always ended up in the same place: a 24-hour orgy of sex, drugs, and all things hedonistic. The more depraved the squandering of those 24 hours, the more right the idea felt. In retrospect this game was their way to rage against the passage of time as each of them marched slowly toward the final reality of death. Today Shubhangi didn’t rage, but whimpered and cowered as the death clock marched on toward whatever lie ahead.

 

And she made lists. Shubhangi was also surprisingly full of energy. Her lists upon lists piled up in her mind, but there was one list that always was on top of the pile. This list had but one word written upon it: Shakti.

 

Shubhangi paced up and down the hall and across the living room as her mind whirled, she noticed crumbs on the floor from where she’d eaten cookies while watching a movie the week before. Shubhangi bent to pick up the offending crumb and thought how ridiculous that was. She dropped it back on the floor. Suddenly she’d a violent desire to grind it with her foot into the carpet until it was nothing but dust. But then she may soon be dust herself, and she let the crumb lie where it fell. Shubhangi felt her stomach roll threatening to empty itself onto the carpet next to the crumb. How far down the path of madness had she travelled?

 

Richa sat stone still on the couch seemingly adrift in her own thoughts. Death is surprisingly personal and lonely even when you’re not alone. She didn’t move or speak as Shubhangi communed with the crumb. Shubhangi wondered what hell Richa was living through, but did not ask. Death was personal. Shubhangi considered the phone and had dialled 6 of Shakti’s 7 digits before her thumb froze over the last button as she considered how utterly selfish, she was being. Shubhangi pictured Shakti sitting at his desk at their new home office in that stupid Hawaiian shirt he sometimes wore when working from home. The image made Shubhangi smile even in her current situation. Shubhangi imagined the smile on his face as he picked up the phone and heard her voice. Then she saw that smile turn from a smile to worry and finally to horror.

 

Shubhangi pictured Shakti here with her watching the death clock tick down to zero. Shubhangi imagined the hell he would be in if suddenly she collapsed in a gripping seizure that no one had the power to stop. What could he do besides watch Shubhangi die? Shubhangi shivered at the thought of him standing over her as the life violently washed from her body in spasmodic twitching, vomiting, and pain. Shubhangi would deserve Hell for asking for that of him. Shubhangi loved him and she would not ask him to bear that. This hell was hers and she would not impose it upon him. Shubhangi hung up the phone as tears once again streaked her face.

 

* * * * * * *

 

The next few hours passed in agony. Sometimes Shubhangi and Richa huddled together on the couch; sometimes they sat in silence. Mostly they watched the hands of the death clock make its slow but relentless revolutions around its malevolent face. If there was a tomorrow, Shubhangi vowed to throw that fucking clock into the garbage. At one-point Richa got a glass of water from the kitchen. As Richa drank, she hiccupped and water rolled into her lungs instead of her throat. She coughed violently expelling the water from her throat. Shubhangi back was to Richa and for one horrible instant; Shubhangi thought the end had come. Shubhangi’s heart raced and sweat broke out on her face, her own chest seemed to knot and Shubhangi was sure it was the beginning of the seizure she’d imagined a million times today.

 

A moment later Richa had managed to stop coughing although she’d spilled the water all over herself. They stared at each other in horror and then burst out in tears and laughter mixed together. Shubhangi hugged Richa to her as they laughed and cried hysterically. There is a fine line between laughter and sadness; tears and joy; hate and love; sanity and madness. At no point in Shubhangi’s life had that thin line grown as transparent as it did in this eternal afternoon. And the death clock ticked on.

 

* * * * * * * * * *

 

By six o’clock they were emotionally empty. There were just no more tears in them. Shubhangi had written a letter to Shakti which she did hurriedly in case the end came before she could finish. She then tore it up and started over, she did this three times in as many hours. What could she say that would make any difference? Shubhangi ended up with three paragraphs that she needed to express. Richa also wrote to her mother. Shubhangi was not surprised by this, and she did not ask Richa what she’d wrote. Richa would tell Shubhangi if she asked, but to ask would be such a violation of Richa’s privacy that Shubhangi shivered at the mere thought of it.

 

Death is a personal business even when you share it. After that Shubhangi and Richa decided that watching the clock had become too hellish, yet they were not strong enough to stop. Neither of them dared take the clock down from its perch on the wall, as if touching the clock would anger death and surely bring him to find them where they hide. They settled on lying together on the extra wide couch with their backs to the clock. Now neither of them dared to turn to look at it as if to do so would tempt fate. They held each other their bodies curled into two spooning questions marks. And the miracle happened to both Shubhangi and Richa at the same time, the miracle was sleep.

 

* * * * * * * *

 

Shubhangi awoke in darkness and she wondered if this was death. As she rose from the depths of sleep Shubhangi noticed the VCR clock, and she thought it unlikely that the first glimpse of Heaven or Hell would be blue lights under a 27-inch television. The clock said 1:14 AM. Shubhangi blinked twice at it, not daring to believe. Richa was still pressed against Shubhangi but she didn’t move. For one horrible second, Shubhangi thought Richa was gone, leaving her alone, Shubhangi thought knew that this was hell after all. But then Richa turned to Shubhangi coming out of her own slumber.

 

Richa eyes fluttered open and met Shubhangi’s. As Richa focused on Shubhangi, she blinked twice in surprise and then whispered “Are we…”

 

Shubhangi smiled at Richa thought “Alive? I think we’re…” Shubhangi said not entirely sure of anything but so wanting to believe. They both sat up quickly and looked at the death clock. The long hand was on the 3 and the short one stood one quarter of the way between the 1 and 2. The clock was the same, except for the malevolence Shubhangi sensed in it before was gone. It was just a clock. Belief hit them both at the same instant and they hugged each other tightly and cried again. These tears were good tears: tears of joy.

 

Shubhangi don’t think she have ever felt joy before this moment, nothing in her entire existence could qualify as even a shadow of the joy she felt now. It was like seeing the sun for the first time after a lifetime of darkness. Shubhangi’s joy burned brilliantly and mixed with Richa’s in a cacophony of happiness that threatened to burst from them and fill the world with a wonderful glow that would wipe away all petty hatred and anger. Shubhangi kissed Richa on the mouth urgently. This was not sexual attraction, but the kiss of passionately loving life. They kissed deeply in celebration of the appreciation of that beautiful gift of life that they shared. Richa hands found Shubhangi’s and they hugged, and kissed, and laughed like they shared a secret of divine proportion, which of course they did.

 

* * * * * * * * * * *

 

The cab driver thought Shubhangi and Richa were crazy, but Shubhangi didn’t care. Shubhangi and Richa sat in the back seat holding hands and smiling. They could not stop smiling. The world was new again and they had been given a second chance at life. It was now 2:30 and they were going to the one place Shubhangi had to go. They made one brief stop behind Shubhangi’s building before getting on the Eisenhower Expressway. Shubhangi stepped out of the cab, ran to the dumpster, and deposited that fucking clock with a violent toss. And then smiling she ran back to Richa in the cab.

 

At 3:15 they pulled up a long driveway in a subdivision on the outskirts of Chicago. Shubhangi could feel the draw of their new house and a warm glow that only Shubhangi (and perhaps Richa) could feel pour out of it. That glow was love and Shubhangi love would not wait until morning to be shared. Time was short. It always was, but she could feel it slipping away now, and not a moment should be wasted. Shubhangi paid the cab driver and he was gone before they reached the front stoop. Shubhangi fished her key to house out of her purse and decided instead to ring the bell. No reason to be shot as an intruder before the lights came on. God had the ultimate sense of humour and irony, and Shubhangi dared not tempt either.

 

Shubhangi rang the bell and lights began coming on. First upstairs and then painting a path of radiance through the house toward the front door as Shakti, came to Shubhangi. He opened it dressed in boxer shorts and a t-shirt. He looked confused, concerned, and still half asleep, but he was the most handsome person Shubhangi had ever encountered in this moment.

 

“Shu… is everything al…” Shakti began, but his words would not be finished as Shubhangi’s mouth covered his. There would be time for explanation, but now was the time to feel his love and spirit intertwined with her own. Shakti hugged Shubhangi tentatively at first, but as her mouth covered his and her body pressed against him, he hugged her back fiercely. He knew nothing of the hell Shubhangi had walked through to get here, but he sensed what she needed most right now was him. And so, without question he gave himself to Shubhangi and hugged her.

 

After their first embrace, Shubhangi stepped into the foyer and was smiling from ear to ear. Richa followed behind them

.

“What’s this all about?” Shakti asked obviously confused. Shubhangi didn’t even know where to begin.

 

“I’m so in love with you…” Shubhangi said as if this explained everything. Shakti glanced at Richa knowing it was unlike Shubhangi to say such personal things in front of others and then back to Shubhangi. Shubhangi was still grinning.

 

“I love you too…” Shakti replied.

 

“I know…” Shubhangi said and took his hand in hers and led him to the bedroom. Shubhangi led him down the hallway to the bedroom. Shakti didn’t speak again, although he was confused and full of questions. Instinctively he knew that what Shubhangi needed right now was him, and he trusted her to give himself over to her without question or protest. It was at that moment that Shubhangi knew in her heart as well as her mind that this was her one. The one person who would fill her heart with the one thing every person needs: contentment. Life was new and wonderful beyond words.

 

Richa left Shakti and Shubhangi at the foyer knowing that this moment was for them alone. This was about love between Shubhangi and Shakti.

 

Shubhangi kissed Shakti and began unbuttoning his shirt. As if in release from the hell Shubhangi had been caged in, her pussy twitched and flooded with excitement. Lust and love were a powerful mixture of the human condition. Perhaps it was the most powerful, and Shubhangi let herself ride the tidal wave of joy and pleasure as they commingled through her. Her nipples went erect and burned with desire and without guilt or regret, her panties slid down her legs as Shakti urgently undressed her. Shakti’s cock sprang free as Shubhangi pushed his boxers urgently down, she gripped him in her hand and stroked his member as it grew. They fell together on the bed, and into an ocean of passion and intertwined bodies.

 

Shakti moaned as Shubhangi stroked his cock gently, yet urgently, she kissed him deeply as she masturbated his dick in long, purposeful strokes. Shubhangi’s hand left Shakti’s cock to hold his face between her hands as she explored his mouth with her tongue. Shubhangi then licked the palm of her hand and used it to lubricate Shakti’s rock-hard shaft. His fingers found her sex, Shubhangi groaned as they lovingly entered her. Shubhangi ground her hips slowly into him as she stroked his thick cock that oozed pre-cum. Shubhangi slid on top of Shakti and positioned his cock at the entrance of her wanting pussy. She kissed him again as she lowered herself onto him. Shubhangi felt him slide deeply inside of her and she revelled in the feeling of complete fullness that only he gave her.

 

They rocked together, they climbed higher and higher as if reaching out toward God in the most intensely beautiful sex Shubhangi have ever experienced. Shakti filled Shubhangi deeply and perfectly. Her hands holding onto his shoulders and her hips rocked up and down. Shubhangi rocked harder against him, urgently needing to feel the base of his cock rubbing against her clit. Shakti erupted inside of her and they cried out together in this one act that defied death in one pleasurable moment. This was not sex, so much as communing with pleasure and life. It felt so wonderful and intense at the same time that Shubhangi felt as if perhaps she’d died and gone to heaven through her own pleasure. They came together and he filled Shubhangi with love, passion, and of course his cum. They collapsed together in exhaustion as their orgasm slowly ebbed and flowed all around and out of them. The two of them curled together holding each other basking in the love of life they felt.

 

* * * * * * *

 

After Shubhangi and Shakti made love, Shubhangi held Shakti and listened to his breathing. It was long and even as he slumbered next to her. Shubhangi could not sleep. There was so much relief and joy in her that she wondered if she would ever sleep again. Shubhangi could see over Shakti’s shoulder as she held him at the glowing red lights of his clock. It was nearing 5:00 AM. The last two hours went by in a blink and she was amazed at how time could be so fluid. It seemed unfair that in joy the hours rolled by in blinks, but in pain seconds could become eternities. Shubhangi shook off the thought and vowed to enjoy whatever time she’d left, she snuggled closer to Shakti.

 

By 5:30 Shubhangi knew sleep was going to elude her at least until the next night. She didn’t want to disturb Shakti so she slipped silently from the bed and drifted down the stairs to sit by the pool and watch the sun rise. As Shubhangi opened the basement doors and stepped naked into the cool night air she smiled as she recognized a familiar silhouette at the edge of the pool facing east as the first pink stripes of light painted the eastern sky. Shubhangi was not the only one who could not sleep, Shubhangi went to Richa who sat naked dangling her legs into the pool staring into the east lost in thought. Shubhangi wondered why Richa was naked, but suspected that Richa had been communing with herself.

 

Shubhangi sat down next to Richa and put her arm around Richa. Richa leaned into Shubhangi, but did not speak. They sat silently, each contemplating the meaning of life, as the sun rose slowly pushing back the shadows that minutes before consumed them. When it was light enough to begin seeing colours Shubhangi saw Richa was silently crying as she watched the sky turn first to purple and then to pink in the East.

 

Richa turned to Shubhangi and smiled with big glassy eyes “It’s so beautiful…”

 

“It is…” Shubhangi smiled back and replied.

 

“Thank you…thank you for loving me…” Richa said.

 

“You don’t need to thank me for that…” Shubhangi said.

 

Richa seemed to contemplate this for a minute and then turned to Shubhangi, her eyes going serious “Nothing is ever going to be the same again between us is it?”

 

Shubhangi considered Richa’s question and replied “No…we’ll never be the same as we were…we’ll have each other in a way…I hope neither of us has another person, ever…”

 

Richa nodded silently and said “I’m glad it was you…”

 

“Me too…” Shubhangi replied honestly.

 

“I need to ask you something else…and I need you to be honest with me…” Richa said solemnly. This time Shubhangi did not fear what Richa would ask. If Shubhangi could not be honest with Richa then honesty was dead in this world.

 

“Okay…” Shubhangi said.

 

“I don’t think…I want to talk about this with anyone else…I mean…I’m not sure anyone else could understand…what we just went through…and I know…I don’t want to try to explain it to them…are you going to tell anyone about yesterday?” Richa asked.

 

Shubhangi thought for a moment and saw Richa’s point. No one could understand what they just went through, and telling someone about the experience could only lead to sympathy or moral judgment. Shubhangi had no desire for either.  “Why don’t you want anyone to know? Are you ashamed of what happened to us?” Shubhangi asked not really answering Richa’s question.

 

“I’m not ashamed of what happened…I guess…I’m a little ashamed of being so horny…that I couldn’t think through the consequences of what I was doing…but I feel more victimized than ashamed…” Richa answered.

 

“I don’t think…I’m going to be sharing this story with anyone…except for Shakti…” Shubhangi said.

 

Richa said nothing for a moment but then “How will he take it?” Richa asked not looking at Shubhangi.

 

Shubhangi took Richa’s hand in hers and said “He loves me Richa…and I love him…he will probably be scared…it will be an after the fact scared…like the way you’re…after you avoid a really bad traffic accident by inches…but it will eventually be okay…if I don’t tell him…it will be a secret that is always between us…and I don’t want that…”

 

Richa nodded as if understanding. Richa turned toward Shubhangi deliberately and her eyes met Shubhangi’s. Shubhangi was surprised at what she saw there. Richa’s eyes glistened with tears but also with hard, steely resolve that frightened Shubhangi a little. Richa’s lips went thin and her fists were clenched tightly. Shubhangi watched Richa as she made a conscious effort to relax them.

 

“Do you know what I feel right now?” Richa asked.

 

Shubhangi shook her head but said nothing. Richa eyes met Shubhangi’s and they were so cold. Richa’s lips were a thin white line of rage, her teeth gritted.

 

“I’m more pissed off…than I’ve ever been in my life…” Richa said coldly and the depth of her rage so coldly and softly expressed impacted Shubhangi more than anything she’d ever witnessed. Shubhangi remembered her own anger in the cab ride home at Chad and realized that the nuclear holocaust of rage that she felt that night. Richa said nothing more, but continued to stare at Shubhangi as dim light from the dawning sun formed a black silhouette around Richa as if the depth of her rage somehow bent the very light of the sun around her. And then Richa relaxed a little and the depth of her anger slowly receded, she was once again Richa and Shubhangi realized she was not breathing.

 

“I know…I’ve to let go of it…but it will be so damn hard…I don’t want to go through life this angry…I’m so thankful to be alive…I want to experience life with joy not anger…but it’s there…I can feel it deep down inside me…like a fire that won’t go out…” Richa said.

 

“Who are you angry at?” Shubhangi asked quietly hoping wondering if it was her.

 

Richa stared at Shubhangi with bewilderment now on her face and said “Myself mostly…but also Chad…and those other fuckers…I can’t believe…I put myself in that place just to get laid…”

 

Shubhangi nodded again and admired the depth of Richa resolve to stand up and take responsibility for her part in what had happened.  Richa sighed and now she looked more tired than Shubhangi have ever seen anyone look before. Shubhangi put her hand on Richa’s naked shoulder comfortingly.

 

Richa turned to Shubhangi with new tears filling her eyes. She bit her bottom lip fighting back the tears. “I just wanted to have sex…and that was all I could think about…and it almost killed us…I think…I’m obsessed with it…sometimes it’s all I think about…my fantasies are so… graphic….” Richa trailed off.

 

Shubhangi used her thumb to wipe a tear from Richa’s cheek and smiled warmly at her, Richa returned the smile wanly. “Richa…it’s okay…everyone has graphic sexual fantasies…you’re not a freak…you’re a normal 18-year-old woman….I think…it’s admirable…that you’re willing to take some responsibility…for what happened…but don’t shoulder it all…you didn’t do anything that outrageous…and hey…everyone needs to get laid…” Shubhangi said trying to lighten the mood a little.

 

Richa smiled a little at Shubhangi, but still seemed troubled. She looked at Shubhangi again and said “Can we trust each other?”

 

Shubhangi was briefly confused by Richa’s question and said “Of course…honey…”

 

“No…I mean really trust each other…you’re the only person…I’ve ever felt like I can trust completely…and a lot of it is because of yesterday…I hated what happened to us…but I loved that feeling of being able to finally share myself completely with someone…I felt that way with you…I still feel that way with you…but I want to know…if you feel that way about me?” Richa said quickly. Her words flowed out in a quick even rhythm as if she were trying to articulate a feeling that could not quite be put into words.

 

Shubhangi held Richa’s hand in her. Shubhangi considered what she’d said, and contemplated how emotionally naked they had been with each other in the past day. Nothing could ever compare to that empty feeling of loneliness. They had shared that loneliness and it had changed the way Shubhangi felt about Richa. It had changed the way Shubhangi felt about everything. Shubhangi smiled at Richa and said “I do Richa…you’re not alone…”

 

Richa squeezed Shubhangi’s hand and said “I love you….” as a single tear streamed down her right cheek in the dawning sun.

 

“I love you too…but I’m worried about you a little…” Shubhangi said.

 

“I’ll be alright…I think…but I’m a little afraid of feeling like that again…I mean horny…I’m afraid…I’ll make bad decisions…and I do have some powerful desires…when it comes to sex…” Richa shrugged and said.

 

“You don’t have to feel guilty about getting horny…” Shubhangi said quickly.

 

“Not getting horny…what I want …when I get horny…” Richa sighed and corrected.

 

Shubhangi thought she understood more now. Richa was afraid of acting on her desires because of what had happened. Richa was afraid of losing herself to her sex drive. The torment of that conflict must be hell for her. Shubhangi understood and Richa’s understanding made Shubhangi ill with empathy for Richa. Shubhangi was suddenly cast back into the memory of her own recent past and remembered writing her first letter to Shakti.

 

Shubhangi thought about how she might feel if she felt guilt at the slightest tremor of a fantasy. Would Shubhangi have the courage to fulfil the fantasies she has had? Who was she kidding? Shubhangi was barely strong enough go through with them now. It would be impossible if she felt nothing but fear and guilt every time her endocrine system decided that it was time to get freaky. Shubhangi thought of all of the joy that she would have missed, and most of all something much more valuable than just sex. Shubhangi would not have the relationship that she has, because through sex and fantasy, Shubhangi and Shakti had learned trust and understanding. Shubhangi suddenly felt a loss for Richa that chilled her to the core of her soul. Richa would never have the opportunity to feel some of the things Shubhangi had felt if she held onto her guilt. Shubhangi stared at Richa and it was like watching a part of Richa’s future die before her eyes, swallowed up in her own feelings of fear and guilt. And part of Shubhangi felt like she was dying here too.

 

“Richa you can’t give up your sex life…and most importantly your fantasy life…because you had one bad experience…I know…it was a lot more serious than a bad date…but your fantasies are not something to suppress and hide from…they can make life worth living…” Shubhangi said.

 

“I don’t think anyone would even believe my fantasies…” Richa said glumly.

 

Shubhangi laughed, she didn’t mean to, and Shubhangi hoped Richa didn’t take Shubhangi’s laughter as mockery of her pain, or worse yet judgment. The laughter held no humour in it, only surprise at how like Shubhangi Richa really was.  Shubhangi laughed because Richa had said out loud something Shubhangi had told herself over and over for years. It was of course ridiculous, and Shubhangi found the irony that saying something can sound completely rational and hearing it completely insane. And a bizarre thought occurred to Shubhangi in that same instant: ‘That’s how politicians can say patently ridiculous statements with complete sincerity. They actually believe themselves.’ Shubhangi laughed again.

 

Richa stared at Shubhangi coldly until Shubhangi squeezed her hand reassuringly and said “Richa…everyone thinks they are the only ones who fantasize about freaky sex…and everyone is wrong about that…even an old lady of 34 like me sometimes has a fantasy or two…that are a little unconventional….I mean you were here the other night…and saw Molee get fucked like a gang bang queen…that was a fantasy…everyone has them…and I promise you…your fantasies are no freakier than mine or anyone else’s…”

 

Richa looked doubtful, Shubhangi smiled at her and said “You said you trusted me…tell me your fantasy…you’ll feel better…and I’m willing to bet…that what goes on inside that pretty head of yours…is nothing worse than anything…I’ve done or contemplated myself….”

 

Richa stared at Shubhangi nervously. Richa looked away at the sunrise that had turned the eastern sky a bright orange, but the fiery ball of sun still stood below the horizon. Richa turned back to Shubhangi and took a deep breath and said “Okay…I trust you…”

 

Richa began talking slowly at first but quickly picked up a rhythm. Shubhangi listened as her words painted an erotic movie in her mind. As Richa spoke her nipples hardened and a thin shine of excited sweat appeared on her upper lip as she mentally lived her fantasy out as she spoke. Richa spoke for nearly 15 minutes, the passion and urgency in her voice increasing with each minute. Shubhangi found her own nipples hardening and felt the familiar tingle between her legs. Each word, sentence, paragraph seemed to come alive in Shubhangi’s mind as Richa spoke as if Shubhangi was inside of Richa head voyeuristically watching the scene that Richa painted. When Richa was done they were both full of nervous sexual energy. Richa stared at Shubhangi wide eyed and naked. For a minute Shubhangi didn’t trust herself to speak. Richa misinterpreted Shubhangi’s silence and said “See…I told you it was weird…”

 

Shubhangi blinked twice and found her voice. “Richa…you’re not a freak…you’re a fucking genius…do you really want that to happen?” Shubhangi asked the tremors of excitement evident in her voice.

 

Richa giggled with relief. “Maybe…I mean…I think about it a lot…” Richa actually blushed as she thought about it. Richa had an amazing imagination. There was a depth in her that was like staring into the Grand Canyon. It was exhilarating and scary at the same time and part of you just can’t believe it’s that deep. Shubhangi nodded understanding knowing that reality and fantasy were sometimes best kept separate, but this was incredible. After the moment passed Richa turned to Shubhangi and said “So…you have done that huh?” she asked with an edge of ‘I told you so’ in her voice.

 

Shubhangi grinned at Richa “Well…okay…I’ve not done THAT…” The truth was Shubhangi had never even thought of doing what Richa suggested. Shubhangi wondered if even she and Shakti could do that.

 

“Okay…so I shared my abnormality…you’re turn…now you share…tell me how freaky you’re…” Richa said to Shubhangi and then grinned. It was a genuine grin and it made her face light up.  Shubhangi stared at Richa intently. Shubhangi did trust Richa, and Shubhangi would not bullshit her. They were too close and had been through too much for that. Shubhangi stood up and went into the house leaving Richa at the edge of the pool. Shubhangi returned with Shakti's portable DVD player and sat down again. Richa was now intrigued.

 

Shubhangi took Richa’s hands and said “You really don’t have anything to feel guilty about…I felt like you did about sex for a really long time…and only recently have come to terms with the guilt of it…” Shubhangi paused wondering if this was really the wisest course of action and dismissed the thought immediately.

 

“I’m going to tell you something…and then show you something under two conditions…first …if you ever betray my trust…I’ll never forgive you….trust can only be earned once with me …if you lose it…you’ll never get it back…and secondly…you’ll talk to me if you ever feel guilty about sex…life is too short for that fucking bullshit….” Shubhangi’s words came out passionately and with conviction.

 

Richa nodded and said seriously “Okay…I understand…”

 

Shubhangi stared at Richa for a long time knowing that this road only travelled one direction and there was no going back. Shubhangi began slowly as Richa had. “Me and Shakti have invented a game…” Shubhangi began and found herself smiling. This was really fun to share with Richa, and the curiosity in Richa’s eyes only made it more fun. Shubhangi paused over the edge of the abyss of knowledge she was about to share with Richa, knowing that she’d already passed the point of return, but also that she’d not yet plunged into the depths below. The feeling was like the moment of weightlessness when you stepped off the high dive, but right before you plunge into the water. In that instant you have commitment without consequences, and time is suspended. The world had stopped for Shubhangi and everything was in that one moment. Shubhangi savoured it, and then it passed as Richa spoke.

 

“What kind of game?” Richa asked grinning like a child.

 

Shubhangi smiled and continued “A very cool game…but also a very scary one sometimes… it’s a game of fantasy fulfilment…each month we exchange fantasies in writing…and the other has 30 days to fulfil it…”

 

Richa stared at Shubhangi with wide disbelieving eyes. She was grinning now like a teenager on summer vacation. “That’s so cool…” She said dumbfounded.

 

Shubhangi smiled at Richa’s youthful radiance that once again seemed to light up around her. Shubhangi spent the next few minutes answering Richa’s questions and explaining all the detailed rules of ‘The Game’ they were playing. Richa was genuinely intrigued and excited. It was fun to watch Richa gain understanding. At one-point Shubhangi thought Richa would clap her hands and dance with joy.

 

After a moment Shubhangi said “I’ve told you something…and now I’m going to show you something…” Shubhangi said to Richa still smiling face. Richa grinned and Shubhangi continued “You shared one of your fantasies with me…now I’m going to share one of mine with you…only this one…I’ve done….” Shubhangi told Richa about the note she’d mailed Shakti and the circumstances that led up to it. And then Shubhangi pushed play on the DVD player. The home movie Shubhangi and Shakti had made that amazing night came to life.  Richa watched with wide eyes as the actions of Shubhangi’s fantasy became reality on a 7-inch screen.  Her mouth hung open and Shubhangi noticed the harness of Richa’s nipples. Shubhangi smiled to herself as she watched Richa watch her.

 

And for good or ill, they stepped through the looking glass together.