Adultery All In My Head by xleglover-COMPLETED

[Ramesh_Rocky]

"So you wanted to fuck him one more time, is that it?" I said scathingly.

She winced at my words. "I mean, by now you've figured out I'm a slut, right?" she said with a self-deprecating laugh, her eyes and cheeks wet with tears.

Silence. Our two corners.

"How'd Allie get involved?" I asked, my curiosity getting the better of me.

She shrugged. "He wanted her, she wanted him." She shrugged again.

"So that's why you broke it off with him," I said, the pieces coming together. "Because he wanted Allie."

"No Mike," she said as if pleading with me to understand and believe her. "I don't care what he does." She squeezed my hand. "You're the only one I care about."

"On the video," she continued, "That's why I said I wouldn't do those things with you. The thought of you with another girl ... I know it's unfair."

She laughed, but it was without any humor. "You know, that's why Allie calls you bubble boy."

I looked up, giving her a questioning look.

"You know me, I get jealous," she said. "Allie says I put you in a bubble."

So that's why ...

Maybe Jen saw a crack in my resolve. She said "I said terrible things. I didn't mean them. You know how crazy I get during sex."

"It not just what you said Jen," I said. The walls came back up. My heart was closed to her.

"I know," she said shamed faced, tears in her eyes. "I didn't make him use a condom. I swear it was the only time. It was the last time I was gonna be with him. I guess ..." She looked even more ashamed. "I wanted to experience it that way with him once. I'm a slut, you know?" Another self-deprecating laugh. "I was going to tell you. I knew you'd be mad. But I thought since it was the last time ..." She stopped seeing the anger and glare in my eyes.

"I'm sorry, it was wrong," she said regretfully. "I thought, maybe ... I thought it might even excite you."

"Excite me?" I snapped.

"You remember?" she said pleadingly. "Your fantasy about another man getting me pregnant."

"That's a fantasy!" I hissed.

"You know I'm on the pill!" she cried. "I was playing the game!"

We paused, a break from the turmoil. Retreating to our corners.

I shook my head. It didn't make sense. "If you were breaking it off with him, why'd you get a tattoo for him?" I asked bitterly.

"It wasn't for him!"

"He picked it!" I snapped back.

"He was just there!"

"He was just there?" I said incredulously. "That's your excuse? Really Jen?"

"It was stupid," she admitted scrunching up her face at the memory. "I've talked about getting one. I thought I'd get it and see what you thought. I was drunk, I know, it was really stupid."

"Ya think?" I said sarcastically, my anger boiling. "Permanently marking your body and not talking to me about it first?"

"Permanently?" Jen said frowning. "Baby, it was a henna tattoo. It's already gone."

Then she added "You don't believe me?" She got up and moved to me. With her back to me, she lifted her top a couple of inches. "See?" she said.

My eyes looked at her lower back. The tat was gone. My eyes focused on her perfect ass in the tight jeans. Delicate red lace of her thong peaked up over the low rise jeans.

She inched back so her firm ass touched my arm. "See, it's gone," she said looking at me over her shoulder.

"Yeah, it's gone," I agreed, my eyes still on her ass and the red lace, her tight ass pressing against my arm. I found it hard to breathe.

But no.

Not this time.

"No Jen," I said pulling my arm away.

Panic flashed through her eyes. Her pretty face and sexy body had always gotten her out of trouble. Men couldn't resist her. I couldn't resist her. But not this time. She'd gone too far this time.

She realized how upset I was, realized how serious this was, realized her beauty wasn't enough this time. She sank back into the chair, the seriousness of the situation sinking in. She hugged her legs to her chest like a little girl, looking scared.

"Are you leaving me then?" she asked sounding small and frightened and insecure, like a little girl asking her father if he was going away forever.

I knew there was history between Jen and her father, how he'd let her down, how a lot of guys in her life had let her down. You think of a pretty bubbly girl like Jen as having the best family, the best childhood, the best boyfriends ... but it wasn't always like that.

"I don't blame you," she said looking down. "I'm terrible." She wiped a tear from her cheek. She pressed her palms against her eyes, in frustration. "I don't know why I do what I do, why I can't control myself," she said the last part coming out like a sob, like a plea for help. She laughed belittling herself. "You know my mom thinks I'm a fuck up. I guess she's right."

I wanted to hug her, kiss her, comfort her, assure her she was anything but a fuck up, that she was the most wonderful precious thing in the world. But not this time. I couldn't. I willed myself to keep my heart closed to her. "I better be going," I said motioning to get up.

"I messed up with Calvin too. I should have stood up for him," she said looking at me. "The way you did for your team."

"You were project lead, you can't do everything," I insisted.

"He was my friend," she said, more tears coming down. "I let him down ... just like I let you down."

We were both silent for long moments. Had she really let me down? Hadn't she done exactly what I wanted her to do, what I'd asked her to do? Didn't I lose control as much as her, in my own way? Had she really done anything behind my back?

There was something sticking into my leg. Then I remembered the picture. I took it out of my pocket and put it on the table.

She smiled seeing it. "Remember, I promised you a better birthday next year," she joked, her eyes and cheeks wet with tears.

I forced a smile. "I might need a rain check."

"Yeah ...," she said looking down, both of us uncertain about tomorrow much less next year.

I pressed the button. The frame was almost out of batteries. The opening chords of Thunder Road played before it went silent.

Jen wiped away a tear and gave me a crooked smile. "You said you listed to Thunder Road a 100 times?" she asked. "Did you like it?"

"Yeah," I said with a smile. "Especially the beginning where Mary dances across the porch." I thought of Jen as Mary.

She smiled nodding. "He's a great poet."

"Yeah," I agreed. I didn't worship Springsteen like Jen, but I liked him a lot.

I pressed the button again. The battery had a little life left. Jen's beautiful voice came through the frame: "Don't turn away again, I can't face life without you again".

It was too much. I couldn't help it. My eyes watered and tears fell down my cheeks.

Jen cried again too. Suddenly she threw herself into my arms. She hugged me hard, her head buried in my neck. I felt her tears on my skin. She wept uncontrollably.

"Are you really going to leave me all alone Mike?" she sobbed.

No ... despite everything, I couldn't ...

I wouldn't leave her all alone.

~~ Epilogue One ~~

A few days later Jen and I were sitting on the sofa. We were still mending, but I was starting to think we'd make it.

I felt something in my coat pocket. Reaching in I pulled out the green and blue envelopes. We'd forgotten about them. I chuckled inside. I couldn't help thinking of that scene from the Matrix.

I opened the green envelope, the one about Sapphire. I suspected what would be in it, and I was right. A check. The amount surprised me though. "Wow, that's a lot of zeros," Jen said her eyes wide. I nodded just as surprised.

Then I opened the blue envelope. I had no idea what might be in that one.

Jen and I read it together, both of us shocked. It was an offer from the firm to become a full partner.

~~ Epilogue Two ~~

(About six years ago at Penn State)

Allie bopped into Jen's room in the sorority. "Why aren't you dressed bitch?!" Allie jeered. "The party's started."

"I might not go," Jen said shrugging. It was their sorority's big mixer of the semester.

Allie knew her friend too well. "Colin call you again?"

Jen nodded.

"That asshole!" Allie hissed. "Why can't he leave you alone? I hope you told him to go to hell!"

Allie saw the shamed look on her friend's face. "Oh my god Jenny, you didn't fuck him did you?" Allie knew the answer by Jen's silence. "Jenny! He's using you!"

"I know," Jen said pressing her palms into her eyes, distraught. Tears came to her eyes. "What's wrong with me Allie, I can't control myself! I mean, I don't even like Colin anymore!"

"It's not your fault honey," Allie said hugging her friend. "Colin's a hunk. Any girl would go ga-ga over him," She laughed. "You know me, my goal is to kiss every boy on campus. But Jenny honey, Colin isn't good for you."

"The story of my life," Jen said with a self-deprecating laugh.

"Yeah," Allie said with a commiserating laugh back, knowing her friend's history. She pulled Jen up. "Come on, you'll feel better after a few beers."

"I'm not dressed, I don't have any makeup on," Jen protested.

Allie laughed. "Believe me honey, you don't need it."

Jen shrugged. "You go, I'll be there in a little while," she promised.

After Allie left Jen collapsed back on the bed. Her life was going nowhere. Why couldn't she control herself? Why was she so attracted to the Colins of the world? Why couldn't she resist them even though she knew they weren't good for her? There just didn't seem to be any hope for her. No hope.

Not knowing what else to do, she got up and wiped the tears from her face. She put on a little lipstick but otherwise didn't change out of her loose blouse, jeans and flats. She went downstairs to the party.