30-12-2020, 09:09 AM
35.2
Kavita
I returned to my room.
“Finally I will be able to meet my husband. He must be in good health now. How will he react seeing me after so long? Will he forgive me? He is a genuine person. Nobody in this world will tolerate so much for a filthy wife like me.”
“I will become a mother. Guruji told all hurdles are over. I can easily conceive. My obsession since childhood will be over. My husband will become father. He will be excited. By imagining his happiness on becoming father, I felt shyness.”
Thinking my husband becoming father I got petrified. “He has to make love to me. He has to have sex with me; with this filthy body. No, I cannot allow this to happen. Prem has made this body filthy. To be truthful, I have allowed Prem to denounce my body. My mind also got corrupted along with my body.”
“Do I love my husband?” I asked my consciousness.
Answer was ‘Yes.’
I became happy. “Did I make any sacrifice for him?” I asked again.
The answer was ‘Yes and No.’
I got perplexed. In utter desperation I asked. “Did I ever love Prem?”
The answer was ‘No.’
Encouraged, I asked, “Did I lust on Prem?”
To my dismay the answer was ‘Yes.’
Exasperated, I dived into my mind. “Yes, I never loved Prem, its true. I love my husband, it’s also true. In my wanton desire to embrace motherhood, I wanted to manipulate Prem as well as my husband. The very reason selecting Prem was his virility. I was confident due to my earlier pregnancy by him. I also preferred him to avoid sleeping with another man. My ultimate goal was to save the respectability of my husband. What valued me most was his social life and nothing more. I wanted to hide his physical constraints form my parents, from his parents. I had nothing to gain personally except his dignity. It’s also true that I did not submit to Prem physically in the very initial days. It’s unfortunate that I was a victim of sex drugs. My illegitimate and criminal behaviours were direct consequences of drug effects. Additionally, I was extorted; I was coerced to display and behave like a pervert. Even in my distressed condition, I looked for solutions. I did try my best to protect him from tortures of Prem. I did never allow dying down his hopes. Then why LUST is being attributed? How my sincere efforts to uplift dignity of my husband are construed as LUST? Where I had gone wrong?”
I came out of my room in exasperation. The vast Himalayas welcomed me decorated in moon lit night. I could locate the orphanage. Guruji was correct. I have saved my unborn child from miseries. I have stopped creation of another Prem. I am free of the persistent guilt I was carrying in my memory. I bent my head in gratitude and respect.
But still my conscious was hunting me. I rebuked my conscious. It did not relent. It continued poking my mind. Exasperated, I dived deep into my consciousness.
Consciousness: ‘Your thought process is absolutely correct but construed. Truthfully, you tried to safeguard interests of your husband. Your ultimate submission to Prem is due to effect of drugs and extortion. But those are incidents of succeeding weeks of Prem’s arrival. What about the first week and weeks proceeding to it?’
Kavita: “You are aware of my ultimate goal. I had to conceive to protect dignity of my husband in the society. Since he was not able to give me child, I thought of Prem. Considering the future of the child, I needed concurrence of my husband. Without his acceptance, I could not risk my pregnancy. I wanted him to accept his physical limitations and accept my pregnancy by Prem.”
Consciousness: ’That’s what you perceived initially. You did not adhere to it.’
Kavita: “I can’t understand you.”
Consciousness: ‘It’s very simple. You are afraid to accept the truth.’
Kavita:”What’s the truth?”
Consciousness: ’You are very well aware of it. OK, I will help you. Why did you start taking contraceptive pills?’
Kavita: “Definitely to avoid pregnancy.”
Consciousness: ‘Say, unwanted pregnancy. There was no chance for you to get pregnant by your husband. You were assured of his infertility by not able to conceive in four years. '
Kavita: “Without my husband’s approval, I could not get pregnant. I had to take pill to avoid unwanted pregnancy.”
Consciousness: ‘Agreed. So, there was a chance for you to get pregnant without approval of your husband and you knew it. You knew very well , even before Prem’s arrival, that you will be sleeping with Prem irrespective of your husband’s approval . You planned and took precaution accordingly. You LUSTED on Prem. You did not tell all truth to Guruji and Jaya.’
Kavita: “No, it’s not true. I have confessed truth to Guruji and Jaya. I did not lie to them.”
Consciousness: ‘Agreed. You did not lie to them. Simply, you withdrew part of the truth. You did not accept the truth in total.’
Kavita: “What truth are you talking about?”
Consciousness: ‘The truth you are deliberately avoiding to accept. I have already told you.’
Kavita: “I did not get you. Explain me in details.”
Consciousness: ‘As you wish. Yes, the very first week of Prem’s stay, you lusted over him. You did not submit to Prem physically in the very initial days. But mentally you submitted yourself to him. You were relishing his touches, you were appreciating his advances, and you were encouraging him into adultery. You allowed yourself to be seduced. You over looked your husband’s love, you ignored his pain. You did not sleep with Prem in first week not because you were not interested. You did not sleep with Prem because Prem did not take initiative. You were simply waiting for Prem to take lead. Very consciously, you are avoiding the truth. Deliberately you are forgetting the truth, avoiding the facts not to resurface in your mind. Even before arrival of Prem, you planned everything. You started pill. You withdrew important information from your husband. You visited beauty parlour. You dressed seductively to seduce Prem. You manipulated to be his pillion rider to be seduced. You never seriously stopped Prem from touching you, kissing you and fondling you in absence of your husband. You continued visiting his bedroom to be wooed. You made clear indications to be bedded. You were craving for his touch, his smell, him inside you.’
Kavita: “Please, please stop. I don’t want to listen.”
Consciousness: ‘As you wish.’
Kavita:”Why don’t you believe me, I love my husband.”
Consciousness: ‘I never denied your love for your husband. This fact will not erase the truth that you LUSTED on Prem. Its better you accept the truth prior to deciding on your future life.’
Kavita: “Thank you for guiding me. I will follow your advice.”
Consciousness: ‘No need to give me thanks. I am part of you always remaining within you. I never misguide you. Only you can censure me.’
I made blunders after blunders. First mistake I made by hiding my past from my husband. He was a novice on girl’s matters. I knew it. On very first meeting itself, I knew it. I took pride of it but did not reveal my past. I was afraid of rejection. I was afraid of getting exposed to my parents.
Then my married life started and I made real blunders. Not only I visited doctor, I debarred my husband also from visiting doctor. I was so complacent of my fertility. My past experience of pregnancy put a blind eye on me. I could not think of my non-conceiving could be due my own physical constraint. I could not imagine my abortion could create a block in my body from future pregnancy. I was more than convinced of his impotency. His non-performance in bed camouflaged my mind. It added fuel to my speculation. I was duped in my own judgemental errors.
Just two and half months, my ill-conceived plan had thrown my life out of gear. I had been disgraced and defamed. Along with my life, I risked the life of my husband. I risked the pride and honour of our families. I had brought the undeletable shame. I had many chances to rectify. I could confess to my husband. I could bring Prem under law. I had chances to escape my ordeals. I continued my ill-conceived plans. I continued tormenting my husband; I continued hunting his mental stigma.
During Gowri’s first visit I shared his bed after a long time. Observing his coldness, I did ask, "Manu, do you not want me anymore?"
He turned away, not answering my question.
I did ask again, "Do you think of me as unclean, Manu? Too dirty for you?"
He replied immediately, "No, Kavi! But how can I not think of all that has happened..."
I persuaded playing with his mind, "Don't think of the past then, Manu: think of the future."
His desperate answer was, "What future Kavi? What do I have to look forward to anyway?"
I should have understood by then. I had opportunity to revert everything within two days. I did not. I was blind on my motherhood. I was blind on the mental agony and stigma of my husband. I did cause more pain to him. I humiliated him repeatedly in presence of Gowri and Prem. I did force him into cuckold sissy dress. I did behave worse with him than a slave.
The ugly truth was all in front of me. The truth I was struggling with denying to self. The truth would remain with me always. The truth neither I could accept nor reject. The truth I did not share with anybody. Not only I cheated on others, I cheated on myself. I could visualise the initial period of Prem’s stay from the day of his arrival. The shameful incidents flooded in my memory.
It’s true; my aim was to save my husband from disgrace. I did plan in line with that motive. I accepted his proposal on only motive of circumventing my husband from humiliation of impotency. I wanted to hide his physical incapability from the gaze of his surroundings. I was looking for union with Prem only on requirement. I was assured of my fertility; I was assured of Prem’s fertility. I knew, three to four times’ coitus would be enough to achieve my target. What I needed was subdue approval of my husband. Future of my children rested on his acceptance. I did plan meticulously to break his reservation. I did plan to compel him, force him to succumb. I had belief in myself. I was proud of my restraint. I had no reason to switch on to pills. Pill was not in my original plan.
But I faltered. Eventually, my lust took over my reservation. Memory of my past carnal pleasure was vivid. The very prospect of my union with Prem remained in my memory. I started considering getting physical once again. My deprived sexuality was slowly winning over my restraint with each passing day. I started lusting on him. I got scared. I rediscovered my weakness struck with horror. I could not deny the chances of Prem breaking my reservation to take me to his bed. Unwanted pregnancy petrified my mind. I could not abort another child. I could not kill another life. I could not commit another sin. I switched over to pill before Prem arrived.
I revisited Jaya’s analysis again. She perfectly guessed my hidden agenda. She got me tested to ensure the exact reason for my non-pregnancy. She only explained me about Asherman’s Syndrome. Being a doctor, she knew very well that Asherman’s Syndrome was due to abortion related complicacy. She explained me everything except she did not inform me about that. She did not because she did not want me to be embarrassed.
It means, she had very well noticed my resumption to pill even before arrival of Prem. That means, Jaya understood of my lust. Through Mona’s mother’s story, she brought upon the subject of abortion. She deliberately withdrew information to protect my pride. She wanted me to confess of my own. I did not. I could not accept my sin. Even knowing very well that my husband’s life was at risk, I did not confess my crime. I risked his life for pride of my life!
I remembered her saying, ‘You must admit that you are just an ordinary woman. You don’t possess any extra-ordinary qualities. The beauty and figure you are proud of do not have any contribution from you. You have acquired them by birth. Remember, you have zero contribution on anything to be proud of. Still you are not ordinary. My brother had made you extra-ordinary. His love has made you special. Try to contribute something of your own. Make my brother happy. He loves you more than anything of this world.’
Jaya accepted me under dire consequences. She accepted me for the sake of my husband, even after knowing very well that I lusted over Prem! Righteously, she condemned my love!
Yes, I did make my efforts to avoid submission to Prem. In spite of his groping and fondling, I survived entire week of his arrival, I controlled myself. Finally, I submitted to his evil play. Yes, my consciousness was correct. I did lust over Prem. I did allow Prem take liberty on my body in absence of my husband. Prem had denounced this body. He had defiled this body day after day. This body had been soiled. Painfully I acknowledged, “This body is not fit to embrace motherhood. This body has lost its purity to be touched by my husband. This body is too dirty, unclean for my husband. Jaya was correct. I am worse than a street prostitute.”
Mere thinking of facing my consciousness again, I got scared. I got agitated. Unable to endure further, I opened my eyes. The beautiful moonlit Himalaya was in front of my eyes. I begged mercy to almighty, the supreme power. I sought blessings to endure my sufferings.
Time ticked away.
Finally, the pristine environment took over my agitated mind. I stopped torturing my mind. Slowly but steadily, the calmness outside sprayed in me. Long hour passed, I continued standing in tranquillity at the feet of vast. My smallness within this infinite was evident. Finally, I regained my energy to face the truth. Slowly I took step inside my room.
The envelope was right on the table. I reached near it and touched. “What should I do? My husband loves me. He will forgive me ignoring over my lust. He has already forgiven me. Am I worth to be forgiven by myself? I manipulated him, humiliated him, and tortured him. I destroyed his social life. Not only I destroyed his pride, in the process I destroyed pride of my in-laws and my parents. Even if I forgive myself, what will be the future of my children? How will they forgive me? Someday, the truth will be exposed. They will think filth about their mother. It was not simple adultery. To hide my shameful crime, I continued my crimes.”
“Guruji told to think positive. My blood is corrupted. My children will get my gene. I can’t allow my children to suffer because of me. I must think positive. My husband deserves better life. He deserves best wife; a wife who will take care of his physical & emotional needs; a wife who will never disrespect him; a wife who will never cheat on him; a wife who will fill his life with love &pleasures.”
I could not fit myself anywhere in his life. Remorse filled in my mind completely.
“He will definitely accept me. He will believe me but I don’t believe myself. Who knows, if I cheat him again! I cannot punish him further. I can’t afford to cheat him anymore. I know it will be difficult for him to forget me. It will be much more difficult for me to forget him. Time is a great healer. It will be difficult but not impossible. Some day he will be able to embrace a new life, a dignified life. I must prove my love. I must create opportunity for him. I must give him freedom from his illusion. The only possible way to achieve this is moving away from him to a place far away; to a place where he will never be able to find me in this life. I must get punished for my wrongdoings. My haunting past will be my pain. Every moment’s twinges will be my punishment. I will enjoy my punishment in my sufferings.”
Guruji talked about purity of mind, purity in thought process.
My mind was dirty. My thought process was corrupted.
Guruji said, ‘Love is all about sacrifice of self-esteem for the loved ones.’ My husband had sacrificed his life for my happiness. What did I sacrifice?
I decided.
Early dawn, I took bath in freezing cold water. For the first time in my life, I bathed in chilling cold water. For a new beginning, there has to be something first. You need to start fresh for a new beginning. A new Kavita emerged from the coldness for a new beginning.
I remembered the pouch Jaya had given me for my husband. I placed the pouch on the table above the envelope. A few tear drops silently rolled over my cheek to fall on the table.
I took a bold step to face my destiny. I left asylum leaving everything behind.
I didn’t look back.
End of chapter 35
End of Tribute
Kavita
I returned to my room.
“Finally I will be able to meet my husband. He must be in good health now. How will he react seeing me after so long? Will he forgive me? He is a genuine person. Nobody in this world will tolerate so much for a filthy wife like me.”
“I will become a mother. Guruji told all hurdles are over. I can easily conceive. My obsession since childhood will be over. My husband will become father. He will be excited. By imagining his happiness on becoming father, I felt shyness.”
Thinking my husband becoming father I got petrified. “He has to make love to me. He has to have sex with me; with this filthy body. No, I cannot allow this to happen. Prem has made this body filthy. To be truthful, I have allowed Prem to denounce my body. My mind also got corrupted along with my body.”
“Do I love my husband?” I asked my consciousness.
Answer was ‘Yes.’
I became happy. “Did I make any sacrifice for him?” I asked again.
The answer was ‘Yes and No.’
I got perplexed. In utter desperation I asked. “Did I ever love Prem?”
The answer was ‘No.’
Encouraged, I asked, “Did I lust on Prem?”
To my dismay the answer was ‘Yes.’
Exasperated, I dived into my mind. “Yes, I never loved Prem, its true. I love my husband, it’s also true. In my wanton desire to embrace motherhood, I wanted to manipulate Prem as well as my husband. The very reason selecting Prem was his virility. I was confident due to my earlier pregnancy by him. I also preferred him to avoid sleeping with another man. My ultimate goal was to save the respectability of my husband. What valued me most was his social life and nothing more. I wanted to hide his physical constraints form my parents, from his parents. I had nothing to gain personally except his dignity. It’s also true that I did not submit to Prem physically in the very initial days. It’s unfortunate that I was a victim of sex drugs. My illegitimate and criminal behaviours were direct consequences of drug effects. Additionally, I was extorted; I was coerced to display and behave like a pervert. Even in my distressed condition, I looked for solutions. I did try my best to protect him from tortures of Prem. I did never allow dying down his hopes. Then why LUST is being attributed? How my sincere efforts to uplift dignity of my husband are construed as LUST? Where I had gone wrong?”
I came out of my room in exasperation. The vast Himalayas welcomed me decorated in moon lit night. I could locate the orphanage. Guruji was correct. I have saved my unborn child from miseries. I have stopped creation of another Prem. I am free of the persistent guilt I was carrying in my memory. I bent my head in gratitude and respect.
But still my conscious was hunting me. I rebuked my conscious. It did not relent. It continued poking my mind. Exasperated, I dived deep into my consciousness.
Consciousness: ‘Your thought process is absolutely correct but construed. Truthfully, you tried to safeguard interests of your husband. Your ultimate submission to Prem is due to effect of drugs and extortion. But those are incidents of succeeding weeks of Prem’s arrival. What about the first week and weeks proceeding to it?’
Kavita: “You are aware of my ultimate goal. I had to conceive to protect dignity of my husband in the society. Since he was not able to give me child, I thought of Prem. Considering the future of the child, I needed concurrence of my husband. Without his acceptance, I could not risk my pregnancy. I wanted him to accept his physical limitations and accept my pregnancy by Prem.”
Consciousness: ’That’s what you perceived initially. You did not adhere to it.’
Kavita: “I can’t understand you.”
Consciousness: ‘It’s very simple. You are afraid to accept the truth.’
Kavita:”What’s the truth?”
Consciousness: ’You are very well aware of it. OK, I will help you. Why did you start taking contraceptive pills?’
Kavita: “Definitely to avoid pregnancy.”
Consciousness: ‘Say, unwanted pregnancy. There was no chance for you to get pregnant by your husband. You were assured of his infertility by not able to conceive in four years. '
Kavita: “Without my husband’s approval, I could not get pregnant. I had to take pill to avoid unwanted pregnancy.”
Consciousness: ‘Agreed. So, there was a chance for you to get pregnant without approval of your husband and you knew it. You knew very well , even before Prem’s arrival, that you will be sleeping with Prem irrespective of your husband’s approval . You planned and took precaution accordingly. You LUSTED on Prem. You did not tell all truth to Guruji and Jaya.’
Kavita: “No, it’s not true. I have confessed truth to Guruji and Jaya. I did not lie to them.”
Consciousness: ‘Agreed. You did not lie to them. Simply, you withdrew part of the truth. You did not accept the truth in total.’
Kavita: “What truth are you talking about?”
Consciousness: ‘The truth you are deliberately avoiding to accept. I have already told you.’
Kavita: “I did not get you. Explain me in details.”
Consciousness: ‘As you wish. Yes, the very first week of Prem’s stay, you lusted over him. You did not submit to Prem physically in the very initial days. But mentally you submitted yourself to him. You were relishing his touches, you were appreciating his advances, and you were encouraging him into adultery. You allowed yourself to be seduced. You over looked your husband’s love, you ignored his pain. You did not sleep with Prem in first week not because you were not interested. You did not sleep with Prem because Prem did not take initiative. You were simply waiting for Prem to take lead. Very consciously, you are avoiding the truth. Deliberately you are forgetting the truth, avoiding the facts not to resurface in your mind. Even before arrival of Prem, you planned everything. You started pill. You withdrew important information from your husband. You visited beauty parlour. You dressed seductively to seduce Prem. You manipulated to be his pillion rider to be seduced. You never seriously stopped Prem from touching you, kissing you and fondling you in absence of your husband. You continued visiting his bedroom to be wooed. You made clear indications to be bedded. You were craving for his touch, his smell, him inside you.’
Kavita: “Please, please stop. I don’t want to listen.”
Consciousness: ‘As you wish.’
Kavita:”Why don’t you believe me, I love my husband.”
Consciousness: ‘I never denied your love for your husband. This fact will not erase the truth that you LUSTED on Prem. Its better you accept the truth prior to deciding on your future life.’
Kavita: “Thank you for guiding me. I will follow your advice.”
Consciousness: ‘No need to give me thanks. I am part of you always remaining within you. I never misguide you. Only you can censure me.’
I made blunders after blunders. First mistake I made by hiding my past from my husband. He was a novice on girl’s matters. I knew it. On very first meeting itself, I knew it. I took pride of it but did not reveal my past. I was afraid of rejection. I was afraid of getting exposed to my parents.
Then my married life started and I made real blunders. Not only I visited doctor, I debarred my husband also from visiting doctor. I was so complacent of my fertility. My past experience of pregnancy put a blind eye on me. I could not think of my non-conceiving could be due my own physical constraint. I could not imagine my abortion could create a block in my body from future pregnancy. I was more than convinced of his impotency. His non-performance in bed camouflaged my mind. It added fuel to my speculation. I was duped in my own judgemental errors.
Just two and half months, my ill-conceived plan had thrown my life out of gear. I had been disgraced and defamed. Along with my life, I risked the life of my husband. I risked the pride and honour of our families. I had brought the undeletable shame. I had many chances to rectify. I could confess to my husband. I could bring Prem under law. I had chances to escape my ordeals. I continued my ill-conceived plans. I continued tormenting my husband; I continued hunting his mental stigma.
During Gowri’s first visit I shared his bed after a long time. Observing his coldness, I did ask, "Manu, do you not want me anymore?"
He turned away, not answering my question.
I did ask again, "Do you think of me as unclean, Manu? Too dirty for you?"
He replied immediately, "No, Kavi! But how can I not think of all that has happened..."
I persuaded playing with his mind, "Don't think of the past then, Manu: think of the future."
His desperate answer was, "What future Kavi? What do I have to look forward to anyway?"
I should have understood by then. I had opportunity to revert everything within two days. I did not. I was blind on my motherhood. I was blind on the mental agony and stigma of my husband. I did cause more pain to him. I humiliated him repeatedly in presence of Gowri and Prem. I did force him into cuckold sissy dress. I did behave worse with him than a slave.
The ugly truth was all in front of me. The truth I was struggling with denying to self. The truth would remain with me always. The truth neither I could accept nor reject. The truth I did not share with anybody. Not only I cheated on others, I cheated on myself. I could visualise the initial period of Prem’s stay from the day of his arrival. The shameful incidents flooded in my memory.
It’s true; my aim was to save my husband from disgrace. I did plan in line with that motive. I accepted his proposal on only motive of circumventing my husband from humiliation of impotency. I wanted to hide his physical incapability from the gaze of his surroundings. I was looking for union with Prem only on requirement. I was assured of my fertility; I was assured of Prem’s fertility. I knew, three to four times’ coitus would be enough to achieve my target. What I needed was subdue approval of my husband. Future of my children rested on his acceptance. I did plan meticulously to break his reservation. I did plan to compel him, force him to succumb. I had belief in myself. I was proud of my restraint. I had no reason to switch on to pills. Pill was not in my original plan.
But I faltered. Eventually, my lust took over my reservation. Memory of my past carnal pleasure was vivid. The very prospect of my union with Prem remained in my memory. I started considering getting physical once again. My deprived sexuality was slowly winning over my restraint with each passing day. I started lusting on him. I got scared. I rediscovered my weakness struck with horror. I could not deny the chances of Prem breaking my reservation to take me to his bed. Unwanted pregnancy petrified my mind. I could not abort another child. I could not kill another life. I could not commit another sin. I switched over to pill before Prem arrived.
I revisited Jaya’s analysis again. She perfectly guessed my hidden agenda. She got me tested to ensure the exact reason for my non-pregnancy. She only explained me about Asherman’s Syndrome. Being a doctor, she knew very well that Asherman’s Syndrome was due to abortion related complicacy. She explained me everything except she did not inform me about that. She did not because she did not want me to be embarrassed.
It means, she had very well noticed my resumption to pill even before arrival of Prem. That means, Jaya understood of my lust. Through Mona’s mother’s story, she brought upon the subject of abortion. She deliberately withdrew information to protect my pride. She wanted me to confess of my own. I did not. I could not accept my sin. Even knowing very well that my husband’s life was at risk, I did not confess my crime. I risked his life for pride of my life!
I remembered her saying, ‘You must admit that you are just an ordinary woman. You don’t possess any extra-ordinary qualities. The beauty and figure you are proud of do not have any contribution from you. You have acquired them by birth. Remember, you have zero contribution on anything to be proud of. Still you are not ordinary. My brother had made you extra-ordinary. His love has made you special. Try to contribute something of your own. Make my brother happy. He loves you more than anything of this world.’
Jaya accepted me under dire consequences. She accepted me for the sake of my husband, even after knowing very well that I lusted over Prem! Righteously, she condemned my love!
Yes, I did make my efforts to avoid submission to Prem. In spite of his groping and fondling, I survived entire week of his arrival, I controlled myself. Finally, I submitted to his evil play. Yes, my consciousness was correct. I did lust over Prem. I did allow Prem take liberty on my body in absence of my husband. Prem had denounced this body. He had defiled this body day after day. This body had been soiled. Painfully I acknowledged, “This body is not fit to embrace motherhood. This body has lost its purity to be touched by my husband. This body is too dirty, unclean for my husband. Jaya was correct. I am worse than a street prostitute.”
Mere thinking of facing my consciousness again, I got scared. I got agitated. Unable to endure further, I opened my eyes. The beautiful moonlit Himalaya was in front of my eyes. I begged mercy to almighty, the supreme power. I sought blessings to endure my sufferings.
Time ticked away.
Finally, the pristine environment took over my agitated mind. I stopped torturing my mind. Slowly but steadily, the calmness outside sprayed in me. Long hour passed, I continued standing in tranquillity at the feet of vast. My smallness within this infinite was evident. Finally, I regained my energy to face the truth. Slowly I took step inside my room.
The envelope was right on the table. I reached near it and touched. “What should I do? My husband loves me. He will forgive me ignoring over my lust. He has already forgiven me. Am I worth to be forgiven by myself? I manipulated him, humiliated him, and tortured him. I destroyed his social life. Not only I destroyed his pride, in the process I destroyed pride of my in-laws and my parents. Even if I forgive myself, what will be the future of my children? How will they forgive me? Someday, the truth will be exposed. They will think filth about their mother. It was not simple adultery. To hide my shameful crime, I continued my crimes.”
“Guruji told to think positive. My blood is corrupted. My children will get my gene. I can’t allow my children to suffer because of me. I must think positive. My husband deserves better life. He deserves best wife; a wife who will take care of his physical & emotional needs; a wife who will never disrespect him; a wife who will never cheat on him; a wife who will fill his life with love &pleasures.”
I could not fit myself anywhere in his life. Remorse filled in my mind completely.
“He will definitely accept me. He will believe me but I don’t believe myself. Who knows, if I cheat him again! I cannot punish him further. I can’t afford to cheat him anymore. I know it will be difficult for him to forget me. It will be much more difficult for me to forget him. Time is a great healer. It will be difficult but not impossible. Some day he will be able to embrace a new life, a dignified life. I must prove my love. I must create opportunity for him. I must give him freedom from his illusion. The only possible way to achieve this is moving away from him to a place far away; to a place where he will never be able to find me in this life. I must get punished for my wrongdoings. My haunting past will be my pain. Every moment’s twinges will be my punishment. I will enjoy my punishment in my sufferings.”
Guruji talked about purity of mind, purity in thought process.
My mind was dirty. My thought process was corrupted.
Guruji said, ‘Love is all about sacrifice of self-esteem for the loved ones.’ My husband had sacrificed his life for my happiness. What did I sacrifice?
I decided.
Early dawn, I took bath in freezing cold water. For the first time in my life, I bathed in chilling cold water. For a new beginning, there has to be something first. You need to start fresh for a new beginning. A new Kavita emerged from the coldness for a new beginning.
I remembered the pouch Jaya had given me for my husband. I placed the pouch on the table above the envelope. A few tear drops silently rolled over my cheek to fall on the table.
I took a bold step to face my destiny. I left asylum leaving everything behind.
I didn’t look back.
End of chapter 35
End of Tribute
![[+]](https://xossipy.com/themes/sharepoint/collapse_collapsed.png)