18-12-2020, 06:48 AM
34.9
Kavita
The first thing was you were not interested in divorce. You had discovered his physical quandaries immediately after marriage. You were certain that it was incurable and refused for medical check-ups. It was best time for pressing for divorce. Easily you could get handsome alimony and get married. Instead, you continued marital relationship. You loved your husband.
You were obsessed with two issues. Physical satisfaction and longing for motherhood overwhelmed your mind. Your husband, obsessed with anxiety and fear, could not satisfy you physically. While staying in US, you had ample opportunities to engage in extra marital relationship to quench your physical needs. You did not. Sex toys were also alternative source for self-satisfaction. You maintained distance from sex toys also. Even back in India, you showed restrain for a year. For seven long years you could congregate control over your physical urge, Physical satisfaction was ruled out.
Say you decided to get pregnant by Prem. The very reason of selecting Prem was your pre-marriage acquaintances with Prem. Earlier you had physical relationship with Prem and you could successfully come out of relationship. You were sure of breaking the relationship with Prem, once your purpose was met. Also you were confident of seducing Prem easily. Prem's life secrecy was known to you and he was not expected to expose you. The concept of maintaining physical purity also could have played in your mind. Developing sexual relationship with another unknown person was possibly not acceptable to you.
All of a sudden getting pregnant by other than husband always carried risk. You needed your child to be accepted by your husband. You loved your husband and was not ready to leave him. The very first thing you needed your husband accept your relationship well before getting pregnant.
But you were not very sure on how Prem would behave in close proximity after a gap of seven years. You preferred pill to avoid unwanted pregnancy. You started taking pill before arrival of Prem.
As planned, you seduced Prem immediately on his arrival. Apparently Prem fallen in your trap. You were happy. You continued your dual mission. You continued showing your intimacy with Prem and successfully keeping Prem out of sex. Your husband behaved as you planned.
Problem started when you sensed irresistible sexual desire unable to control. You were not aware of sexual drugs. You had no explanation. Here you had fallen in Prem’s trap. Manu started behaving erratically in sissy dressing what was unknown to you in four years. Prem started pushing you in edging keeping you sexually frustrated. You tried to excite Manu in bed unsuccessfully. Eventually you were forced to submit to Prem against your will.
Edging is a process of sexual stimulation to the point just before orgasm before stopping or withholding stimulation to deny orgasm. It can be beneficial for partners with consent. Repeated forced edging can have negative effects like: Acute Frustration, Distress, Headache, Anxiety, Tiredness, Brain fog, Lack of focus, Forgetfulness etc.
In great shock you observed your husband was pretending ignorance of your relationship with Prem. Even before you could come out of shock, Prem blackmailed you breaking your backbone. Prem blackmailed you only after ensuring his dominance over Manu. Prem also demonstrated physical torture on Manu to downplay you and create terror in your mind.
You continued taking pill sincerely to avoid pregnancy. Repeatedly Manu asked for Prem’s evacuation, which you had to refuse under threat from Prem. You could not promise any time frame except making statement that Prem won’t stay for long. Most probably you were convincing yourself and praying for Prem’s early vacation. You could not divulge anything to Manu except expressing your continuance love for him and advising him to adopt proactive approach while dealing with Prem. You were genuinely afraid; Prem could bring Vipul in Manu,
Prem’s intention was clear when he exposed you in obscene dress and groped in public. He successfully demonstrated you as a street whore. Ac maintenance incidence clearly exposed Prem’s intention. He wanted to break your mental resistance by exposing to society. By placing tattoo in your body, he kept Manu under mental pressure.
Prem had no intention to introduce to Gowri. You had chance meet to Gowri in mall and invited her. Gowri landed in your house on 53rd day, Friday. Prem had no option but to send you back to Manu for weekend. Prem also had to take Manu on outing to avoid creating of suspicion in Gowri' mind. Gowri may have observed unnatural intimacy and may have questioned Prem.
On 56th day, Monday, when Manu showed interest in speaking to Gowri, Prem sensed danger. He had to resort to brutal physical torture to keep him away. You had to bribe sex to pacify Prem.
You joined Manu in night. Why Prem allowed you? What exactly happened after you escorted Prem to bed? We found answer next week.
On 60th day, Friday, Gowri made her 2nd visit. Prem had already declared Manu as cuckold to Gowri. Manu was projected as cuckold to remove suspicion of Gowri. You had accepted role-play not to expose self-pride to Gowri. Manu accepted your role-play as true. Gowri was guarded from Manu. Everything worked as planned.
On 62nd day, Sunday Manu approached you again requesting for Prem’s evacuation. You did not expect Manu could approach after immediate blatant humiliation of cuckoldry. You made a mistake may be because of excitement. You talked about three-week time frame of Prem’s vacation. No ambiguity. First time you talked confidently on Prem’s evacuation.
How you were so confident about Prem while you were under his extortion? Why three weeks?
Next day, Prem fabricated motorcycle snag and asked for lift from Manu. Manu was sceptical. You assured him that Prem won’t touch him. How could you assure him?
This clearly indicates something transpired to help you come out of Prem’s clutch. You were no more afraid of Prem. You could assure Manu confidently that Prem won’t touch him.
To find answer we concentrated on the incident on 56th day Monday, immediately after Gowri’s 1st visit.
Manu contacted Gowri against wish of Prem. Prem was boiling in anger and decided to punish Manu. He punished Manu to accentuate his character. Prem was in charge.
Let’s look at your behaviour.
You received message either through Gowri or Prem. You were impatiently waiting for Manu’s return. Even before he pressed calling bell, you opened the door and whispered, "Manu, did you SMS Gowri?"
Once Manu nodded affirmative, you had a pitying look. Clearly you were upset. Why?
Manu’s punishment followed soon after in your presence. If you were to get sadistic pleasure, you should have enjoyed it. You did not.
You had been watching this scene silently, as though in frozen fascination.
You finally spoke, "Prem, that's enough, he knows not to do it next time, let it go, please?" You wanted Prem to stop. You begged. You were not in charge.
Finding Prem not relenting, you requested Manu, "Manu, tell him you're sorry for contacting Gowri."
This clearly proves your inability to control Prem.
Manu did not budge and Prem continued hitting Manu.
Finally Manu surrendered and apologized for contacting Gowri.
You saw Prem’s hand in air for further blow. You walked up to Prem, and stroked him on his chest. You acted as a shield and tried to pacify Prem. You begged again, "Let it go, lover-boy. Let him go this time."
Clearly you had no control over Prem.
Prem had his hand in air for imparting more punishment. You started nuzzling up to his chest, and said, "Mmmm....lover-boy, don't be so angry, let's go to bed."
Finally to pacify Prem, you had to bribe Prem
This clearly shows
1. You were not getting sadistic pleasure.
2. You shielded Manu not to be bullied.
3. You had no control over Prem. You were not in charge over the incident.
Next, fast forward a few hours.
You did not take dinner and waited for Manu to wake up and have dinner. Why? By not taking food in one night nobody dies.
If you had not really cared for Manu, possible reason could have been you were afraid if he did something wrong. In that case, you would not have patiently waited for more than two hours and spent time in cooking.
So, you cared for Manu.
The major question was why Prem allowed you to sleep with Manu. Prem was possessive of his women, his bitches. Manu was found misbehaving with one of his bitch and was punished. He claimed your body completely. He claimed you as one of his bitch. Manu was earlier punished for touching your body. Then, how Prem allowed you sleep with Manu? If we considered hypothetical case of Prem was also worried on Manu doing extreme nuisance, he would have ensured your return after checking Manu was OK.
It did not happen. Your spending night with Manu suggested only one possibility. You were in charge of the situation. The control had changed hand within two hours.
“One clarification Kavita?”
I looked at her approvingly. Jaya asked, “In all earlier occasions, you had taken special caution not to be overheard by Prem, whenever you had confided with Manu something special. That night, how could you be sure that Prem was not eavesdropping? Did you lock him up in his room?”
I answered, “Yes, you are absolutely correct. I did lock him up that night.”
So you were in charge. You checked with Manu’s mental condition and asked him to be less angry. You could decide Prem’s eviction on any day. You decided three weeks.
Everything was fine except three weeks time frame. Why three weeks?
We went back to search for the answer. Gowri made her 1st visit on 53rd day, Friday creating opportunity for you meet your husband. Definitely you should have been ecstatic. You tried to excite Manu sexually. He was limp. Next night, you tried again. Situations created for Manu asking for sex. Manu got excited and looked forward for penetrative sex. You declined penetrative sex citing reasons, ‘Sorry, Manu. Out of bounds’.
Why ‘Out of bounds’?
We went back further down the timeline. We went back to 24th day, Thursday evening you planned for short visit to shop. Manu offered for help. You declined stating, ‘That's sweet of you Manu. But this is a women's thing, and I'd rather not send you to get it. I'll be back in 10 minutes.’
We recalculated entire timeline plotting penetrative sex dates in search for your period dates. That day you went out for shopping sanitary napkins for upcoming period. You declined penetrative sex as you were in periods. You could not inform Manu. You gave him blowjob. You had period on 26-27, 54-55 and due on 82-83. You had decided to vacate Prem on 76th day
Now, the three-week time period carried meaning full importance. A woman normally ovulates before two weeks from period. Semen normally remains active for a week period inside woman’s body. Your ovulation was expected around 68th day. So your mating with Prem on 73rd day could ensure covering the entire period.
Three week period carried significance of your decision of getting pregnant. You were so sure of your virility, that you made decision to send Prem out after three weeks.
On 74th day, Friday, two days prior to Prem’s vacation date, when Manu returned from office, you were zoned out. You were immersed in such deep thought, that you even did not notice Manu prepared tea and you drank it. After receiving Phone call from Gowri, you changed over to sari. You prepared tea for all forgetting that you had tea a short while ago. Gowri exclaimed over your belly ring and while serving Manu you had a pale smile.
We could find distinct behavioural aberrations:
First: No show off to project Manu as cuckold in presence of Gowri.
Second: You never had taken tea twice in evening what you did. You were mentally disturbed a lot.
Third: Gowri appreciated your belly ring but unlike previous similar occasions you did not return gesture.
Fourth: Your pale smile indicated you were freshly embarrassed on something. Belly ring could be a reason.
We went back for possible explanations:
On 73rd, Thursday night, Manu did not observe Belly ring in your body. So, it was fitted only on Friday.
On 74th, Friday morning, Manu called you. It appeared to him that you were not in home. So, you could be in parlour and fitted the belly ring. The piercing hole could have closed naturally and required re-piercing. Convincing.
While on receiving call from Manu on earlier occasions, you had never shown irritation or ended the call abruptly. It manifested further that you were disturbed. You wanted to avoid Manu.
While confirming Sunday as the date Prem would be leaving, you reasoned against advancing the date stating, “I can't pack up and move back tonight, even if I wanted to.” Clearly it was a lame excuse as on earlier occasion, you had done so.
Everything suggested that you were very disturbed on something which occurred after Manu left to office. You were zoned out so much that in the evening, when Manu served you tea, you did not notice!
We concentrated on Belly ring again. You appeared with belly ring in Prem’s photos but Manu never discovered you in belly ring though he could remember its presence in your personal belongings. Prem had fixed A.A tattoo twice in your body. He had pretty knowledge of the A.A pendant, was evident from his photographs. While blackmailing you in sexual submission he could not influence you putting on belly ring pendant. When you were out of his extortion and he was about to move out, you fixed it back on your body. So, it was not for Prem. Was it possible that you fixed it for Manu? Then why?
We went back further to the days when Prem had adorned you with A.A tattoos.
On 27th day, Sunday, Prem got it fixed and Manu found it on next day i.e. 28th Monday morning. Manu objected and you tried to pacify him that it was temporary and wash off. Manu mentioned about the letters A.A
{
"Why A.A, Kavi?"
Your voice was still angry, "What do you mean 'why A.A Kavi'?"
"Your tattoo says A.A."
"I mentioned it was cute before both you and Prem. And he got it for me yesterday. I guess that's why he picked what the tattoo was, the letters.
Manu mumbled, "Kavi, it didn't wash away."
You flared up at this, "STOP IT MANU! It's supposed to wash off, maybe it will take a couple of washes
}
Same 28th Monday night, Manu tried to remove the tattoo. Though initially you had shown displeasure over his attempt, finally you mumbled, "I should have suspected...never mind."
Subsequently you allowed Manu to remove it completely.
On 29th, Tuesday Morning Prem found tattoo missing and bullied Manu keeping you at workout session in gym. He growled to Manu, "That should teach you to touch a body I OWN, inappropriately."
You came to know about the bullying by Manu’s phone.
Manu wanted to join gym.
{
"Because I'm tired of being pushed around by your Prem, that's why."
"Manu, you're being silly. Prem has been working out for YEARS. You can start working out now, and if you get into a fight with him, he'll still probably break your bones. He won't be staying with us forever, PLEASE don't start working out with an intention to pick a fight with Prem, OK?"
"Kavi, I won't pick a fight, but if he starts a fight, I want to fight back, I want to be able to fight back, OK?"
"So is your problem, what you had told me earlier? That Prem picks fights with you, sometimes?"
I took a deep breath.
"Yes. He picked a fight with me today morning, Kavi."
"I'll talk to him, Manu. I didn't know he had done this. I'll warn him to not do it again, OK?"
I didn't believe her. I suspected she was lying. She probably knew it. She probably had been conniving with him.
I spoke after a few moments, "OK, Kavi. I still want to join a gym and be prepared better to defend myself."
"Don't be silly, Manu. You'll only be looking for a fight. Do join a gym, but do it after Prem leaves, OK? I don't want more fights. I'll talk to him, and make sure he doesn't start up an unprovoked fight with you, OK?"
}
Clearly you were protecting Manu. You were also hoping for Prem to vacate someday though not sure when.
Same evening Prem didn’t have sex with you. Most probably you had cautioned him for bullying.
***
On 34th day, Sunday very next day of your shifting, Prem fixed tattoo on you again.
On 35th day, Monday, Manu found it on you and gave a call.
Let’s go through the conversations you had on that day.
{
You laughed with a twinkle in your voice, "Why wouldn't I pick up your call, Manu? I don't avoid your calls, do I?"
Manu said, "Kavi, I'm really, really sorry about Friday. I was feeling emotional then. If you're going to..."
"I know why you did it on Friday, Manu. Relax. I understand. I still love you."
"That's not what your tattoo says, Kavi."
You giggled audibly as you spoke, "Oh you saw my new tattoo? Isn't it cute?"
"Very cute, Kavi. Especially the letters in the middle of the heart."
You asked, trying to sound innocent, "What letters?"
"Don't pretend to me, Kavi. The letters A.A were in the middle of the heart and you know it, and I know you know it."
There was a long silence from your end, as Manu heard you exhale deeply.
"If that's what you think it says, Manu, then that's what it says."
}
Manu had no option to remove the tattoo. On 46th day also Manu found faint presence of tattoo on her body
On 46th day Friday morning, Manu was SMSed by Prem to look into his album while they were on workout. Kavita had already shifted to Prem and so she also had full knowledge of displaying of the album. What the album presented? Belly ring pendant A.A on Kavita’s belly. So, both Prem and Kavita had pretty knowledge of A.A and its effect on Manu. Everything was fine. What disturbed us was why Kavita was not adorned with A.A belly ring pendant earlier?
While Prem could go for A.A tattoo, and he had clear knowledge of pendant, quite naturally he would have gone for belly ring pendant to voice his ownership in addition to tattoo. If Kavita was accomplish of Prem, there was absolutely no hold. Even if Kavita was not accomplish of Prem, Prem must have pressured her for belly ring. We had observed during this period Prem was in charge up to 56th day.
Only possibility could be her piercing had closed and there was no possibility of wearing belly ring pendant immediately.
Eventually, Kavita fixed her belly ring pendant on 74th day when Prem was about to go out. If it was for recreation of Prem, she could have fixed it earlier. Celebration of pregnancy was also ruled out as no pregnancy test can detect so early. Her last period was on 54 day.
So, fixing of belly ring pendant was neither for celebrating pregnancy nor for entertainment of Prem. What could be possible reason?
You did never accept A.A represented Amir Ali. So, definitely, A.A had a different meaning to you. You were well aware of that A.A had confusion in Manu’s mind. Obviously, you would be interested in removing that confusion from Manu’s mind. It was essential for you for re-connection with Manu after sleeping with Prem for so long.
Discovery of A.A pendent by Gowri was unwanted. Obviously, you could not appreciate her praising. You were embarrassed. Same reflected in your behaviour while serving tea to Manu. The mystery of A.A was clear only after meeting your mother.
Then you locked yourself with Gowri suggested for very cause of your disturbance. Two consecutive days you both were out. It was very clear that Prem was not part of your expedition from his behaviour. Marriage was not possible without your divorce and no pregnancy test could give result so early. The very cause of disturbance was so grave that both days you were late night to return. Then your proposal came for taking Manu for medical consultation. I agree, I had to wait for a conclusion of your two days expedition till meeting with Gowri.
*****
Placing pregnancy theory in force, all equations got solved. You stopped taking pills from 57th day, Tuesday onwards removing systematically one per day not to create doubt in Manu’s mind. Dramatically, you must have sensed reducing sexual urges in your body. You continued sex with Prem for achieving.
You agreed to role-play showing Manu as cuckold, as you did not want to miss your target so narrowly. Aptly, you made your decision of Prem’s vacation date known to Gowri and Prem simultaneously. Prem had to accept. When you were absolutely sure of your planning performed as planned, Gowri’s phone on 74th day, Friday, disarrayed everything. You came to know about Prem’s planning of impregnating you. It was against your plan. You never wanted Prem to know about your pregnancy through him. You decided to reverse. In panicky, you started taking pill on same night shifting the pill strip in your hand bag. Manu’s observation on pills matched.
You were forced for consultation only to discover on 76th day, Sunday that you were sexually drugged. Three days consecutive pill consumption had its effect back in your blood. You were shattered. You sensed the grave mistakes you had done. As advised by Dr. Preethi you acted. You removed all pills to safe location. You made Prem vacate. You made valiant try to take Manu to Dr. Preethi for treatment.
Things were not in your hand. Manu misunderstood you and left. You were sexually assaulted by Prem.
Entire model appeared to be correct.
A few more things needed to be answered. Especially, your love making wailing was clearly audible form outside.
You took so much pain to get motherhood and uphold dignity of your husband. Definitely you would avoid all actions to defame your husband. Many actions were beyond your control. As expressed by Manu, a few behaviours were not comprehensible. The most prominent among them was your loud wailing while Manu waited outside after his hand was cast.
We had already seen you were not moaning in orgasmic pleasure. You were definitely wailing in pain. What made you wale so loud to be heard from outside? Subsequently, Manu did not hear your loud wail after your shifting to Prem. It should have been different. Earlier case, presence of background noise could subdue noise level. In later case, distance reduced and due to late evening, effect of background noise reduced. Earlier case bedroom door remained closed while in later case bedroom case remained open.
Instead of experiencing higher amplitude sound, Manu listened to subdued sound.
Possible explanation could be like this:
First time standing outside, Manu heard your squeal. From next day onward, he imagined your actions behind closed door. He did not see you having sex. He imagined more than he heard. Subsequently, after your shifting, he could observe. He did not require imagination. Consequently, his illusion on sound got eliminated. He did not listen to you squealing loud.
Jaya inquired, “Kavita, you can through some light on it. Did you really squealing loud to be clearly heard from outside?”
I whispered, “I had always tried to absorb my pains. Unable to bear, sometimes, I had squealed but I think, I was not clearly audible outside.”
“Thank you Kavita for confirming. As we were discussing earlier, to prove the pregnancy model, we needed to confirm three things.”
Did you enjoy sex with Prem?
What prevented your normal pregnancy and was it due to problem within yourself?
What was your motive?
We also needed your true confession for ratification.
As planned, Gowri was made to leave to get free access to you. We reached Bangalore. I had to psychologically break your resolve. I implanted in your mind my intimacy with Manu while continuing humiliating you. You got trapped. Next day, I replaced your sleeping pills with mild anti-depressant pills. I closely observed behaviours of both of you. Both of you were not comfortable in my presence. I utilised the opportunity to study both of you. I could see love and passion. Late evening, I trapped you in eavesdropping. Being embarrassed, while you retired in bed, I silently took shelter behind sofa. As expected, you made a valiant try to eavesdrop again only to abandon next moment.
I immediately remembered my hallucination. Jaya had seen me in utmost vulnerable condition. I covered my face in shame. During hallucination, my external reactions were not known to me. She had witnessed that. What she would be thinking about me.
I heard her candid dulcet, “There was nothing to be ashamed, Kavita. I would have done same in your place. Next one hour I witnessed a rare expression of love. I got my confirmation.
First I saw your passionate hallucination. You were hallucinating. You were speaking to your husband. You were asking for his forgiveness. You also confirmed your sexual drug abuse and blackmailing. I believe, a person speaks only truth with self. Your wild passion removed all doubts I had about your love. This also confirmed your sexual drug was not self implicated. Finally, you retired to shower and bed. I retired to my room contented.
There was still something left to surprise me.
Manu left bed after half an hour. I pretended deep sleep. Ensuring my state, he silently came out of guest room to stop near sofa. He affectionately hugged your clothes for some time and then folded them neatly. He further progressed to your room. He stopped near bed. Passionately, he was staring at your face. I saw your body cramp in cold. Quickly, Manu fetched the blanket from the cupboard and covered you with great care and affection. He leaned on your face apparently to kiss. Somehow, he controlled his emotion and became straight. I saw him wiping his eyes.
My observation was complete. I silently returned to my room. Manu joined within 10 minutes. Next morning, I had to continue your humiliation not to raise your suspicion. My night expedition confirmed three things. Firstly, you both still loved each other. Secondly, you were administered sexual drugs by Prem and thirdly Prem had blackmailed you on something. Your confession with Dr. Preethi was accounted. My next target was to maneuver you make a visit to Hardwar.
I asked Manu to take the house deed and pass books along with his credentials. I also asked him to transfer money to another account. I was confident that, once you find house deed &pass book missing and money withdrawn, you would suspect me. You would definitely try to save your husband from my fraudulent trap. You would definitely contact me, before complaining to security officer. I left my contact details for your ready utilisation. Even if you contact security officer, you would be called at Hardwar for identification.
Here I had made a silly mistake. I had ignored to take proper note of Manu’s love & passion. Purposefully, Manu was kept in darkness. His knowledge was limited up to his departure from Bangalore. He believed you and Gowri both were married to Prem and you were pregnant. I have implanted in his brain that you had already completed your honeymoon trip and presently Prem & Gowri were on honeymoon trip. He believed it. I also made him believe that, our role-play was absolutely necessary for your mental satisfaction and happiness. It would help you to embrace your new marital life devoid of any guilt feelings. The requirement of the hour was to create loathsome in your mind.He believed everything. He wanted you to be happy with Prem. He wanted your unborn child should get social status. He had decided to sacrifice his love. He had decided to give you freedom along with house and money. While I thought he was busy in preparation of his new business, he silently prepared himself and landed in Bangalore without our knowledge. He decided on his own to apologise to you and personally hand over house deed, money and divorce papers. In the process, he unknowingly created deep pain in your heart. Unfortunately, things turned wrong leading to your extreme steps. We were lucky that your sleeping pills were replaced with anti-depressant pills.We almost lost you. God is great to send you back with us.
***
We were also erroneous on another account. We were curious on sudden missing of your entire pills. We suspected your sexual drugging observing your unnatural sudden outburst of physical appetite. We made a connection with pills and your physical urges only after plotting your behavioural pattern variation on daily basis as well as over entire period. We observed surge in physical urge in increasing trend after lunch. Your physical obsession was clearly detectable. Then there was decline after 1st visit of Gowri. Your aggressiveness was diminished indicating stoppage of pills. Reasons for sudden disappearance of pills were baffling.It could be you or Prem. We were undecided on the motive behind removing entire pills. After going through your confession with Dr. Preethi, we suspected Prem, as he would be interested to remove proof. After visiting your house, we located the pills, in hideouts of your house. Prem would not have left proof of his crimes. Our confusion got cleared on your involvement in missing pills. Preserving proof of Prem’s crime was your motive behind hiding the pills.
***
Finally, you landed in Hardwar.
I had three tasks in my hand.
First: Did you really enjoy sex with Prem? Did you really get orgasm?
Second: What was the reason for you not getting pregnant?
Third: What was your motive?
And a true confession accepting your motive.
Immediately on your reach, I put you on medical test. By evening I got answer to all my questions.
We Indians are mystic national. Scientific study of sexology started in this land long before any other country even thought of it. In 2ndcentury,Great ‘Vatsayana‘ in his ‘Kamasutra’ has vividly and quite accurately described various aspects of human sexology. In our ancient temples, the graphics in the form of stone carvings expresses the necessity of sexual knowledge in our lives. Example of ‘Khajuraho’ is best example. Unfortunately, we Indians have not progressed. Sex is a taboo in this land. We shy away from this vital topic in our daily lives. We have deviated from our ancient culture. We don’t encourage sex education in our country. Our present culture teaches us to hide and compromise on the very essence of life. The result is obvious. The young minds are full of mis-conceptions about sex. As the body transits from childhood to adulthood, we don’t appreciate the changes. Curiosity and fear grow in our mind. Without any proper amenities, we fall prey to misconceptions resulting to indulging in absurd activities. It happened to my mother. It happened to you.
You were concerned about penis size. You were fascinated about it as it was implanted in your brain. You considered size of penis is all about satisfaction. A big penis only can attain a woman to orgasm. Males are not different. They also boost the same misconceptions. They also consider that the size matters. Psychological inferiority grows within them when they find their penis length shorter. Even before the first intercourse, mentally they are defeated.
The fact is quite different. The female genital is designed to extract maximum pleasure even with a penis of shorter length than the average one which is happens to be around 5.2” when erect. What matters are the prolong foreplay and willingness on the part of the female to get satisfied. Majority of properly excited females needs 5 to 7 minutes of vaginal penetration to achieve orgasm. A man has to hold his erection up to this level.
While a vast population of women never reach orgasm, around 18% women reach orgasm from penetrative sex whereas more than 36% women reach orgasm by stimulation of clitoris. You fall in 36% category. This was evident by the spectacular satisfactory orgasm you realised by your husband stimulating your clitoris, immediately after you had penetrative sex with Prem.
Utilising opportunity, Prem had successfully implanted in your brain, sissy cuckoldry tendency of your husband. You started accepting Prem’s theory without knowing psychological constraints of your husband.Even with drug effect, you had shown some restraint to avoid Prem. To break your will power, he blackmailed you. Deny of orgasm at plateau phase results in sexual frustration. This is sometimes called Edging. Prem had cleverly manipulated you in edging to break your resolve. The sex drugs had broken your physical resolve. He continued edging keeping you in sexual frustration constantly. Finally, you surrendered psychologically to sexual frustration. Before you could come out of trauma of blackmailing, he created horror in your mind by injuring Manu physically. Successfully, he destroyed all your resolves, physically as well as psychologically.Prem was not looking for sex. He was obsessed to transform you into a sex slave.
The human sexual union can occur with or without consent. They are generally of three types.
The first type is prostitution type. It is consented sex with or without attachment of mind. Two bodies meet to get sexual gratification. Mind has no much role to play though both have mutually agreed for sexual union. Always it is connected with some sort of exchanges. It need not be limited to monetary benefit. There can be a wide variety of exchanges like blackmailing, growth prospect, gratification, extortion, knowledge up-gradation, curiosity, attaining pregnancy, therapist’s sexual union etc.
The second one is forced. Sexual union is imposed on one partner by the other by brutal force. Mind does not have much role. Body may respond to attain favourable conditions for pleasurable sexual union. Revenge, despair are mainly motive force behind this. Satisfaction is never achieved as mind is not attached. In rare cases, forced union transits to prostitution types.
The third and the most important sexual union type is mutual without any exchange. Mind is always free and attached. Both partners are ready to give maximum. Satisfaction is guaranteed.
You have experienced all the three types in your life with a single partner. I hope you understand the differences.
“Kavita, are you conversant with anatomy of female sexual organs?” Jaya asked me without losing eye contact.
I had pretty much idea. But presently I have been proved to be wrong in every aspect. I accepted my ignorance, “Not much detail.”
Jaya replied, “It is expected by looking at your blunders. Like penis, the depth of vulva, I mean the vaginal canal up to cervix varies from woman to woman. The average depth is 3.77 inches almost 33% shorter of an average erected penis which happens to be around 5.2”. During arousal, more blood flows to the vagina. This causes the vagina to elongate and the cervix, or tip of the uterus, to lift up slightly, allowing more of a penis, to fit in the vagina. During arousal, blood flows to the genital area, and sexual excitement causes the cervix and uterus to ascend as the upper two-thirds of the vagina lengthen. For an average excited female, the vaginal depth increases to 6.2 inches comfortably accommodating average length penis. We have checked your vulva depth to be around 3.7 inches. Sexual excitement could enlarge it to say, 6.4 inches maximum, well short of 8 inches penis of Prem. He was hitting you at cervix to cause pain. It was impossible for you to enjoy sex with Prem. An average woman like you should be sexually compatible with an average male. A lengthy penis is always a concern for discomfort, more so when the female is not excited enough.
I continued looking at her aghast. She was right.
Her assertive voice continued, “You have never enjoyed sex with Prem, not even during your sleeping with him before marriage. It was always an uncomfortable painful encounter for you as his penis always hit you on your cervix. You can’t change the nature’s law. You were being sexually tortured. The misconstrued conception of ‘long penis more pleasure’ may have tempted you sleeping with Prem for first time. It should not have taken long time for you to understand the reality.
***
As I have mentioned earlier, Manu’s sperm count was 4,50,000 per ml. In medical terms, his semen qualified for impregnating any woman in her fertility.
Though your husband had confirmed of not using any birth control measures, I need your confirmation. Kavita, can you confirm on this?”
Bashfully, I whispered, “I was not on any birth control measures”
We had our assumptions in same line. This suggested for some medical problems associated with you. During your brief affair with Prem for two months, you were virtually not taking any precautions against birth control. You did not get pregnant. This further reinforced our doubt. To confirm we had to carry out medical test on you and we had been confirmed from your gynecology report that you were suffering from Asherman’s Syndrome
“Asherman’s Syndrome?” I repeated,”Dr. Bharati talked about it a few days back. I have no idea about it.”
Jaya explained, “Asherman’s syndrome is a rare, acquired condition of the uterus. In women with this condition, scar tissue or adhesions form in the uterus due to some form of trauma.In severe cases, the entire front and back walls of the uterus can fuse together. In milder cases, the adhesions can appear in smaller areas of the uterus. The adhesions can be thick or thin, and may be sparsely located or merged together.”
Asherman's syndrome is an uncommon, acquired, gynecological disorder characterized by changes in the menstrual cycle. Patients experience reduced menstrual flow, increased cramping and abdominal pain, eventual cessation of menstrual cycles, and, in many instances, infertility. Most often these symptoms are the result of severe inflammation of the lining of the uterus that is caused by the development of bands of scar tissue that join parts of the walls of the uterus to one another, thus reducing the volume of the uterine cavity. Endometrial scarring and intrauterine adhesions may occur as a result of surgical scbanging or cleaning of tissue from the uterine wall, infections of the endometrium, or other factors.
In your first four years of married life, you did not conceive not because of your husband’s sperm quality or count. You did not because you were suffering from Asherman’s Syndrome. The problem persisted from the time prior to your marriage. You had remote chance of getting pregnant by Prem. In your prevailing health condition, you could never conceive.
There must be something wrong. Jaya may have made some grave mistakes. I expressed in astonishment, “How is it possible? I knew definitely I had no medical issues. It was sheer coincidence; I did not get pregnant.”
“It was not coincidence. Only miracle could make you pregnant. I repeat again. In prevalent health conditions, it was nearly impossible for you to get pregnant.”
There is nothing to worry. You have been successfully treated and free from Asherman’s Syndrome paving the way for your pregnancy.
We got definite proof which prevented you from getting pregnant. Immediately the question appeared in my mind, what were the possible reasons for you not accepting artificial insemination?
I specifically asked you for the reasons because, if you tried for artificial insemination, doctors would have found Asherman’s Syndrome long back and corrected.
I subjected you under various psychological pressures to break your mental barrier and encouraged you accepting the truth. I did not inform you on our knowledge to appreciate your confession with truth.
“Finally I could manipulate you for true confession.”
She guardedly said, “I don’t claim knowing all secrets of your life and not interested to do so. Every human has some secrets not to be revealed and it is justified also. It is not a healthy practice to open up our memory to everybody. There is always something of our own which sometimes may not be appropriate sharing with self also, though normally you can’t avoid.”
Jaya looked outside. I followed her. Early morning light showed her presence by removing the darkness.
Jaya again fixed her look on me and said, “You will be meeting Guruji in the evening. You need time to get ready for long journey. The last topic I would like to discuss to remove your one more misconception before closing our discussion. We will talk about gene propagation.
Man’s behaviour is influenced by two forces: heredity and environment. The biological or psychological characteristics which are transmitted by the parents to their off-springs are known by the name of heredity. Heredity is, in other words, a biological process of transmission of certain traits of behaviour of the parents to their children, by means of the fertilized egg. Heredity traits are innate; they are present at birth.
The essential characteristics inherited by all human beings are physical structure, reflexes, innate drives, intelligence, and temperament
The differences in the traits or qualities of individuals or groups are due to the difference in their heredity. It has also been proved that the variations of human beings and the societies are due to differences in environment.
Great controversy has been going on since long about the relative importance of heredity and environment in determining the behaviour of individuals and groups.
Though arguments have been advanced by the supporters of both heredity and environment, no exact conclusions with regard to the relative importance of the two factors have been drawn, nor it is possible either to determine the relative values of both.
Acquiring of all traits is not necessarily due to heredity.Even identical twins, when brought up in different environments, behave differently.The influence of differential training,, experience, home life, social opportunity, economic disadvantage etc. definitely have their influence in the matter.
Man is a highly unstable animal. He is changing-visibly with changing society. The change in social behaviour of man is on account of change in his environment. The records of crime tell that, in the end, the environment is irresistible. If a second generation is more criminal than the first, the explanation is to be sought in the difficulty of overcoming social and economic obstacles.
The conditions of life, the kind of food, of nature, of climate etc. have definitely their influence on them. There is, in fact, convincing evidence that when children are subject to unfavourable conditions, their stature, as well as the weight is affected.
Thus it is clear that heredity alone is not responsible for the physical differences between national or racial groups and that environment has also its influence. Rather stature or the general build up of the body depends upon innumerable factors which play their part from the moment of conception. The mother’s health, gland disorders, food habits, climate, living conditions, occupation, exercise, modes of walking and sleeping, all influence the body structure.
Heredity is, therefore, to be considered not in terms of a single generation but in terms of several generations and so is the case with environment.The intelligence is much more responsive to environmental changes. It is true that the races of mankind certainly differ, because of heredity. As a matter of fact, it is futile to ask which of the two factors, heredity or environment, is more important. Each trait requires both heredity and environment for its development
Heredity, no doubt has its influence on the physiological traits but environment is also the arbiter of our development. What heredity can do environment can also do. Neither can ever be eliminated and neither can ever be isolated. Both have been operative in determining human behaviour. An immigrant group, no matter what its heredity antecedents, exhibits new characteristics when transplanted from its native land to the country of its adoption.
The capabilities of man are hereditary, but their manifestation is the work of the environment.Heredity gives us the capacities to be developed but opportunity for the development of these capacities must come from the environment.
The conclusions that we can draw from the above discussion is that the question, “which is more important, heredity or environment?” wrongly assumes that environment and heredity are opposed, so that if one is important the other cannot be. All the qualities of life are in the heredity, all the evocations of qualities depend on the environment. In other words, heredity has potentiality and environment offers it a chance of bringing them out.
It also follows from this principle that the higher the potentiality, the greater is the demand made on environment. Thus more subtle differences in environment may have little effect on those of low potentiality while the same differences may be vastly significant for those who have higher potentiality.
For instance, a seemingly minor change in a situation, say, a rebuff, may prove decisive to a sensitive nature while it may not affect a thick skinned man. Lastly, the more elastic the life, the more it is at the mercy of environment. That is why environment affects us most in the earlier years of our life when we were most impressionable.
We should thus conclude this controversy of nature versus nurture by accepting the unchallengeable truth that heredity and environment—the two ultimate determinants of every living being- are of coequal importance and that none is more potent than the other.
Favourable environment may give a man of genius the necessary opportunity to reveal his power, and that a person, however talented he might be, will fail to do so in the absence of adequate opportunities. On the other hand, no amount of opportunity would enable a man of mediocre talents to attain the height of a genius. Both heredity and environment are, in fact, essential for our fulfillment. We cannot over-rate one at the cost of the other.
All the above discussion is only to remove the misconception on heredity from your mind. You will be surprised to know that, male endowment size though controlled by heredity is attributed by mother.
Spontaneously I reacted, “What do you say Jaya? What we knew so far is not correct?”
She smiled, “Kavita, unfortunately, this is truth. Yes, gender of child is contribution of father by donating ‘X’ or ‘Y’ chromosome, but penis size is contributed by mother. “
Jaya left her seat and hugged me. She exclaimed, “Now it’s time for you to get ready. I will drop you at bus station.”
She walked downstairs leaving me in my awkwardness.
End of Chapter 34
Kavita
The first thing was you were not interested in divorce. You had discovered his physical quandaries immediately after marriage. You were certain that it was incurable and refused for medical check-ups. It was best time for pressing for divorce. Easily you could get handsome alimony and get married. Instead, you continued marital relationship. You loved your husband.
You were obsessed with two issues. Physical satisfaction and longing for motherhood overwhelmed your mind. Your husband, obsessed with anxiety and fear, could not satisfy you physically. While staying in US, you had ample opportunities to engage in extra marital relationship to quench your physical needs. You did not. Sex toys were also alternative source for self-satisfaction. You maintained distance from sex toys also. Even back in India, you showed restrain for a year. For seven long years you could congregate control over your physical urge, Physical satisfaction was ruled out.
Say you decided to get pregnant by Prem. The very reason of selecting Prem was your pre-marriage acquaintances with Prem. Earlier you had physical relationship with Prem and you could successfully come out of relationship. You were sure of breaking the relationship with Prem, once your purpose was met. Also you were confident of seducing Prem easily. Prem's life secrecy was known to you and he was not expected to expose you. The concept of maintaining physical purity also could have played in your mind. Developing sexual relationship with another unknown person was possibly not acceptable to you.
All of a sudden getting pregnant by other than husband always carried risk. You needed your child to be accepted by your husband. You loved your husband and was not ready to leave him. The very first thing you needed your husband accept your relationship well before getting pregnant.
But you were not very sure on how Prem would behave in close proximity after a gap of seven years. You preferred pill to avoid unwanted pregnancy. You started taking pill before arrival of Prem.
As planned, you seduced Prem immediately on his arrival. Apparently Prem fallen in your trap. You were happy. You continued your dual mission. You continued showing your intimacy with Prem and successfully keeping Prem out of sex. Your husband behaved as you planned.
Problem started when you sensed irresistible sexual desire unable to control. You were not aware of sexual drugs. You had no explanation. Here you had fallen in Prem’s trap. Manu started behaving erratically in sissy dressing what was unknown to you in four years. Prem started pushing you in edging keeping you sexually frustrated. You tried to excite Manu in bed unsuccessfully. Eventually you were forced to submit to Prem against your will.
Edging is a process of sexual stimulation to the point just before orgasm before stopping or withholding stimulation to deny orgasm. It can be beneficial for partners with consent. Repeated forced edging can have negative effects like: Acute Frustration, Distress, Headache, Anxiety, Tiredness, Brain fog, Lack of focus, Forgetfulness etc.
In great shock you observed your husband was pretending ignorance of your relationship with Prem. Even before you could come out of shock, Prem blackmailed you breaking your backbone. Prem blackmailed you only after ensuring his dominance over Manu. Prem also demonstrated physical torture on Manu to downplay you and create terror in your mind.
You continued taking pill sincerely to avoid pregnancy. Repeatedly Manu asked for Prem’s evacuation, which you had to refuse under threat from Prem. You could not promise any time frame except making statement that Prem won’t stay for long. Most probably you were convincing yourself and praying for Prem’s early vacation. You could not divulge anything to Manu except expressing your continuance love for him and advising him to adopt proactive approach while dealing with Prem. You were genuinely afraid; Prem could bring Vipul in Manu,
Prem’s intention was clear when he exposed you in obscene dress and groped in public. He successfully demonstrated you as a street whore. Ac maintenance incidence clearly exposed Prem’s intention. He wanted to break your mental resistance by exposing to society. By placing tattoo in your body, he kept Manu under mental pressure.
Prem had no intention to introduce to Gowri. You had chance meet to Gowri in mall and invited her. Gowri landed in your house on 53rd day, Friday. Prem had no option but to send you back to Manu for weekend. Prem also had to take Manu on outing to avoid creating of suspicion in Gowri' mind. Gowri may have observed unnatural intimacy and may have questioned Prem.
On 56th day, Monday, when Manu showed interest in speaking to Gowri, Prem sensed danger. He had to resort to brutal physical torture to keep him away. You had to bribe sex to pacify Prem.
You joined Manu in night. Why Prem allowed you? What exactly happened after you escorted Prem to bed? We found answer next week.
On 60th day, Friday, Gowri made her 2nd visit. Prem had already declared Manu as cuckold to Gowri. Manu was projected as cuckold to remove suspicion of Gowri. You had accepted role-play not to expose self-pride to Gowri. Manu accepted your role-play as true. Gowri was guarded from Manu. Everything worked as planned.
On 62nd day, Sunday Manu approached you again requesting for Prem’s evacuation. You did not expect Manu could approach after immediate blatant humiliation of cuckoldry. You made a mistake may be because of excitement. You talked about three-week time frame of Prem’s vacation. No ambiguity. First time you talked confidently on Prem’s evacuation.
How you were so confident about Prem while you were under his extortion? Why three weeks?
Next day, Prem fabricated motorcycle snag and asked for lift from Manu. Manu was sceptical. You assured him that Prem won’t touch him. How could you assure him?
This clearly indicates something transpired to help you come out of Prem’s clutch. You were no more afraid of Prem. You could assure Manu confidently that Prem won’t touch him.
To find answer we concentrated on the incident on 56th day Monday, immediately after Gowri’s 1st visit.
Manu contacted Gowri against wish of Prem. Prem was boiling in anger and decided to punish Manu. He punished Manu to accentuate his character. Prem was in charge.
Let’s look at your behaviour.
You received message either through Gowri or Prem. You were impatiently waiting for Manu’s return. Even before he pressed calling bell, you opened the door and whispered, "Manu, did you SMS Gowri?"
Once Manu nodded affirmative, you had a pitying look. Clearly you were upset. Why?
Manu’s punishment followed soon after in your presence. If you were to get sadistic pleasure, you should have enjoyed it. You did not.
You had been watching this scene silently, as though in frozen fascination.
You finally spoke, "Prem, that's enough, he knows not to do it next time, let it go, please?" You wanted Prem to stop. You begged. You were not in charge.
Finding Prem not relenting, you requested Manu, "Manu, tell him you're sorry for contacting Gowri."
This clearly proves your inability to control Prem.
Manu did not budge and Prem continued hitting Manu.
Finally Manu surrendered and apologized for contacting Gowri.
You saw Prem’s hand in air for further blow. You walked up to Prem, and stroked him on his chest. You acted as a shield and tried to pacify Prem. You begged again, "Let it go, lover-boy. Let him go this time."
Clearly you had no control over Prem.
Prem had his hand in air for imparting more punishment. You started nuzzling up to his chest, and said, "Mmmm....lover-boy, don't be so angry, let's go to bed."
Finally to pacify Prem, you had to bribe Prem
This clearly shows
1. You were not getting sadistic pleasure.
2. You shielded Manu not to be bullied.
3. You had no control over Prem. You were not in charge over the incident.
Next, fast forward a few hours.
You did not take dinner and waited for Manu to wake up and have dinner. Why? By not taking food in one night nobody dies.
If you had not really cared for Manu, possible reason could have been you were afraid if he did something wrong. In that case, you would not have patiently waited for more than two hours and spent time in cooking.
So, you cared for Manu.
The major question was why Prem allowed you to sleep with Manu. Prem was possessive of his women, his bitches. Manu was found misbehaving with one of his bitch and was punished. He claimed your body completely. He claimed you as one of his bitch. Manu was earlier punished for touching your body. Then, how Prem allowed you sleep with Manu? If we considered hypothetical case of Prem was also worried on Manu doing extreme nuisance, he would have ensured your return after checking Manu was OK.
It did not happen. Your spending night with Manu suggested only one possibility. You were in charge of the situation. The control had changed hand within two hours.
“One clarification Kavita?”
I looked at her approvingly. Jaya asked, “In all earlier occasions, you had taken special caution not to be overheard by Prem, whenever you had confided with Manu something special. That night, how could you be sure that Prem was not eavesdropping? Did you lock him up in his room?”
I answered, “Yes, you are absolutely correct. I did lock him up that night.”
So you were in charge. You checked with Manu’s mental condition and asked him to be less angry. You could decide Prem’s eviction on any day. You decided three weeks.
Everything was fine except three weeks time frame. Why three weeks?
We went back to search for the answer. Gowri made her 1st visit on 53rd day, Friday creating opportunity for you meet your husband. Definitely you should have been ecstatic. You tried to excite Manu sexually. He was limp. Next night, you tried again. Situations created for Manu asking for sex. Manu got excited and looked forward for penetrative sex. You declined penetrative sex citing reasons, ‘Sorry, Manu. Out of bounds’.
Why ‘Out of bounds’?
We went back further down the timeline. We went back to 24th day, Thursday evening you planned for short visit to shop. Manu offered for help. You declined stating, ‘That's sweet of you Manu. But this is a women's thing, and I'd rather not send you to get it. I'll be back in 10 minutes.’
We recalculated entire timeline plotting penetrative sex dates in search for your period dates. That day you went out for shopping sanitary napkins for upcoming period. You declined penetrative sex as you were in periods. You could not inform Manu. You gave him blowjob. You had period on 26-27, 54-55 and due on 82-83. You had decided to vacate Prem on 76th day
Now, the three-week time period carried meaning full importance. A woman normally ovulates before two weeks from period. Semen normally remains active for a week period inside woman’s body. Your ovulation was expected around 68th day. So your mating with Prem on 73rd day could ensure covering the entire period.
Three week period carried significance of your decision of getting pregnant. You were so sure of your virility, that you made decision to send Prem out after three weeks.
On 74th day, Friday, two days prior to Prem’s vacation date, when Manu returned from office, you were zoned out. You were immersed in such deep thought, that you even did not notice Manu prepared tea and you drank it. After receiving Phone call from Gowri, you changed over to sari. You prepared tea for all forgetting that you had tea a short while ago. Gowri exclaimed over your belly ring and while serving Manu you had a pale smile.
We could find distinct behavioural aberrations:
First: No show off to project Manu as cuckold in presence of Gowri.
Second: You never had taken tea twice in evening what you did. You were mentally disturbed a lot.
Third: Gowri appreciated your belly ring but unlike previous similar occasions you did not return gesture.
Fourth: Your pale smile indicated you were freshly embarrassed on something. Belly ring could be a reason.
We went back for possible explanations:
On 73rd, Thursday night, Manu did not observe Belly ring in your body. So, it was fitted only on Friday.
On 74th, Friday morning, Manu called you. It appeared to him that you were not in home. So, you could be in parlour and fitted the belly ring. The piercing hole could have closed naturally and required re-piercing. Convincing.
While on receiving call from Manu on earlier occasions, you had never shown irritation or ended the call abruptly. It manifested further that you were disturbed. You wanted to avoid Manu.
While confirming Sunday as the date Prem would be leaving, you reasoned against advancing the date stating, “I can't pack up and move back tonight, even if I wanted to.” Clearly it was a lame excuse as on earlier occasion, you had done so.
Everything suggested that you were very disturbed on something which occurred after Manu left to office. You were zoned out so much that in the evening, when Manu served you tea, you did not notice!
We concentrated on Belly ring again. You appeared with belly ring in Prem’s photos but Manu never discovered you in belly ring though he could remember its presence in your personal belongings. Prem had fixed A.A tattoo twice in your body. He had pretty knowledge of the A.A pendant, was evident from his photographs. While blackmailing you in sexual submission he could not influence you putting on belly ring pendant. When you were out of his extortion and he was about to move out, you fixed it back on your body. So, it was not for Prem. Was it possible that you fixed it for Manu? Then why?
We went back further to the days when Prem had adorned you with A.A tattoos.
On 27th day, Sunday, Prem got it fixed and Manu found it on next day i.e. 28th Monday morning. Manu objected and you tried to pacify him that it was temporary and wash off. Manu mentioned about the letters A.A
{
"Why A.A, Kavi?"
Your voice was still angry, "What do you mean 'why A.A Kavi'?"
"Your tattoo says A.A."
"I mentioned it was cute before both you and Prem. And he got it for me yesterday. I guess that's why he picked what the tattoo was, the letters.
Manu mumbled, "Kavi, it didn't wash away."
You flared up at this, "STOP IT MANU! It's supposed to wash off, maybe it will take a couple of washes
}
Same 28th Monday night, Manu tried to remove the tattoo. Though initially you had shown displeasure over his attempt, finally you mumbled, "I should have suspected...never mind."
Subsequently you allowed Manu to remove it completely.
On 29th, Tuesday Morning Prem found tattoo missing and bullied Manu keeping you at workout session in gym. He growled to Manu, "That should teach you to touch a body I OWN, inappropriately."
You came to know about the bullying by Manu’s phone.
Manu wanted to join gym.
{
"Because I'm tired of being pushed around by your Prem, that's why."
"Manu, you're being silly. Prem has been working out for YEARS. You can start working out now, and if you get into a fight with him, he'll still probably break your bones. He won't be staying with us forever, PLEASE don't start working out with an intention to pick a fight with Prem, OK?"
"Kavi, I won't pick a fight, but if he starts a fight, I want to fight back, I want to be able to fight back, OK?"
"So is your problem, what you had told me earlier? That Prem picks fights with you, sometimes?"
I took a deep breath.
"Yes. He picked a fight with me today morning, Kavi."
"I'll talk to him, Manu. I didn't know he had done this. I'll warn him to not do it again, OK?"
I didn't believe her. I suspected she was lying. She probably knew it. She probably had been conniving with him.
I spoke after a few moments, "OK, Kavi. I still want to join a gym and be prepared better to defend myself."
"Don't be silly, Manu. You'll only be looking for a fight. Do join a gym, but do it after Prem leaves, OK? I don't want more fights. I'll talk to him, and make sure he doesn't start up an unprovoked fight with you, OK?"
}
Clearly you were protecting Manu. You were also hoping for Prem to vacate someday though not sure when.
Same evening Prem didn’t have sex with you. Most probably you had cautioned him for bullying.
***
On 34th day, Sunday very next day of your shifting, Prem fixed tattoo on you again.
On 35th day, Monday, Manu found it on you and gave a call.
Let’s go through the conversations you had on that day.
{
You laughed with a twinkle in your voice, "Why wouldn't I pick up your call, Manu? I don't avoid your calls, do I?"
Manu said, "Kavi, I'm really, really sorry about Friday. I was feeling emotional then. If you're going to..."
"I know why you did it on Friday, Manu. Relax. I understand. I still love you."
"That's not what your tattoo says, Kavi."
You giggled audibly as you spoke, "Oh you saw my new tattoo? Isn't it cute?"
"Very cute, Kavi. Especially the letters in the middle of the heart."
You asked, trying to sound innocent, "What letters?"
"Don't pretend to me, Kavi. The letters A.A were in the middle of the heart and you know it, and I know you know it."
There was a long silence from your end, as Manu heard you exhale deeply.
"If that's what you think it says, Manu, then that's what it says."
}
Manu had no option to remove the tattoo. On 46th day also Manu found faint presence of tattoo on her body
On 46th day Friday morning, Manu was SMSed by Prem to look into his album while they were on workout. Kavita had already shifted to Prem and so she also had full knowledge of displaying of the album. What the album presented? Belly ring pendant A.A on Kavita’s belly. So, both Prem and Kavita had pretty knowledge of A.A and its effect on Manu. Everything was fine. What disturbed us was why Kavita was not adorned with A.A belly ring pendant earlier?
While Prem could go for A.A tattoo, and he had clear knowledge of pendant, quite naturally he would have gone for belly ring pendant to voice his ownership in addition to tattoo. If Kavita was accomplish of Prem, there was absolutely no hold. Even if Kavita was not accomplish of Prem, Prem must have pressured her for belly ring. We had observed during this period Prem was in charge up to 56th day.
Only possibility could be her piercing had closed and there was no possibility of wearing belly ring pendant immediately.
Eventually, Kavita fixed her belly ring pendant on 74th day when Prem was about to go out. If it was for recreation of Prem, she could have fixed it earlier. Celebration of pregnancy was also ruled out as no pregnancy test can detect so early. Her last period was on 54 day.
So, fixing of belly ring pendant was neither for celebrating pregnancy nor for entertainment of Prem. What could be possible reason?
You did never accept A.A represented Amir Ali. So, definitely, A.A had a different meaning to you. You were well aware of that A.A had confusion in Manu’s mind. Obviously, you would be interested in removing that confusion from Manu’s mind. It was essential for you for re-connection with Manu after sleeping with Prem for so long.
Discovery of A.A pendent by Gowri was unwanted. Obviously, you could not appreciate her praising. You were embarrassed. Same reflected in your behaviour while serving tea to Manu. The mystery of A.A was clear only after meeting your mother.
Then you locked yourself with Gowri suggested for very cause of your disturbance. Two consecutive days you both were out. It was very clear that Prem was not part of your expedition from his behaviour. Marriage was not possible without your divorce and no pregnancy test could give result so early. The very cause of disturbance was so grave that both days you were late night to return. Then your proposal came for taking Manu for medical consultation. I agree, I had to wait for a conclusion of your two days expedition till meeting with Gowri.
*****
Placing pregnancy theory in force, all equations got solved. You stopped taking pills from 57th day, Tuesday onwards removing systematically one per day not to create doubt in Manu’s mind. Dramatically, you must have sensed reducing sexual urges in your body. You continued sex with Prem for achieving.
You agreed to role-play showing Manu as cuckold, as you did not want to miss your target so narrowly. Aptly, you made your decision of Prem’s vacation date known to Gowri and Prem simultaneously. Prem had to accept. When you were absolutely sure of your planning performed as planned, Gowri’s phone on 74th day, Friday, disarrayed everything. You came to know about Prem’s planning of impregnating you. It was against your plan. You never wanted Prem to know about your pregnancy through him. You decided to reverse. In panicky, you started taking pill on same night shifting the pill strip in your hand bag. Manu’s observation on pills matched.
You were forced for consultation only to discover on 76th day, Sunday that you were sexually drugged. Three days consecutive pill consumption had its effect back in your blood. You were shattered. You sensed the grave mistakes you had done. As advised by Dr. Preethi you acted. You removed all pills to safe location. You made Prem vacate. You made valiant try to take Manu to Dr. Preethi for treatment.
Things were not in your hand. Manu misunderstood you and left. You were sexually assaulted by Prem.
Entire model appeared to be correct.
A few more things needed to be answered. Especially, your love making wailing was clearly audible form outside.
You took so much pain to get motherhood and uphold dignity of your husband. Definitely you would avoid all actions to defame your husband. Many actions were beyond your control. As expressed by Manu, a few behaviours were not comprehensible. The most prominent among them was your loud wailing while Manu waited outside after his hand was cast.
We had already seen you were not moaning in orgasmic pleasure. You were definitely wailing in pain. What made you wale so loud to be heard from outside? Subsequently, Manu did not hear your loud wail after your shifting to Prem. It should have been different. Earlier case, presence of background noise could subdue noise level. In later case, distance reduced and due to late evening, effect of background noise reduced. Earlier case bedroom door remained closed while in later case bedroom case remained open.
Instead of experiencing higher amplitude sound, Manu listened to subdued sound.
Possible explanation could be like this:
First time standing outside, Manu heard your squeal. From next day onward, he imagined your actions behind closed door. He did not see you having sex. He imagined more than he heard. Subsequently, after your shifting, he could observe. He did not require imagination. Consequently, his illusion on sound got eliminated. He did not listen to you squealing loud.
Jaya inquired, “Kavita, you can through some light on it. Did you really squealing loud to be clearly heard from outside?”
I whispered, “I had always tried to absorb my pains. Unable to bear, sometimes, I had squealed but I think, I was not clearly audible outside.”
“Thank you Kavita for confirming. As we were discussing earlier, to prove the pregnancy model, we needed to confirm three things.”
Did you enjoy sex with Prem?
What prevented your normal pregnancy and was it due to problem within yourself?
What was your motive?
We also needed your true confession for ratification.
As planned, Gowri was made to leave to get free access to you. We reached Bangalore. I had to psychologically break your resolve. I implanted in your mind my intimacy with Manu while continuing humiliating you. You got trapped. Next day, I replaced your sleeping pills with mild anti-depressant pills. I closely observed behaviours of both of you. Both of you were not comfortable in my presence. I utilised the opportunity to study both of you. I could see love and passion. Late evening, I trapped you in eavesdropping. Being embarrassed, while you retired in bed, I silently took shelter behind sofa. As expected, you made a valiant try to eavesdrop again only to abandon next moment.
I immediately remembered my hallucination. Jaya had seen me in utmost vulnerable condition. I covered my face in shame. During hallucination, my external reactions were not known to me. She had witnessed that. What she would be thinking about me.
I heard her candid dulcet, “There was nothing to be ashamed, Kavita. I would have done same in your place. Next one hour I witnessed a rare expression of love. I got my confirmation.
First I saw your passionate hallucination. You were hallucinating. You were speaking to your husband. You were asking for his forgiveness. You also confirmed your sexual drug abuse and blackmailing. I believe, a person speaks only truth with self. Your wild passion removed all doubts I had about your love. This also confirmed your sexual drug was not self implicated. Finally, you retired to shower and bed. I retired to my room contented.
There was still something left to surprise me.
Manu left bed after half an hour. I pretended deep sleep. Ensuring my state, he silently came out of guest room to stop near sofa. He affectionately hugged your clothes for some time and then folded them neatly. He further progressed to your room. He stopped near bed. Passionately, he was staring at your face. I saw your body cramp in cold. Quickly, Manu fetched the blanket from the cupboard and covered you with great care and affection. He leaned on your face apparently to kiss. Somehow, he controlled his emotion and became straight. I saw him wiping his eyes.
My observation was complete. I silently returned to my room. Manu joined within 10 minutes. Next morning, I had to continue your humiliation not to raise your suspicion. My night expedition confirmed three things. Firstly, you both still loved each other. Secondly, you were administered sexual drugs by Prem and thirdly Prem had blackmailed you on something. Your confession with Dr. Preethi was accounted. My next target was to maneuver you make a visit to Hardwar.
I asked Manu to take the house deed and pass books along with his credentials. I also asked him to transfer money to another account. I was confident that, once you find house deed &pass book missing and money withdrawn, you would suspect me. You would definitely try to save your husband from my fraudulent trap. You would definitely contact me, before complaining to security officer. I left my contact details for your ready utilisation. Even if you contact security officer, you would be called at Hardwar for identification.
Here I had made a silly mistake. I had ignored to take proper note of Manu’s love & passion. Purposefully, Manu was kept in darkness. His knowledge was limited up to his departure from Bangalore. He believed you and Gowri both were married to Prem and you were pregnant. I have implanted in his brain that you had already completed your honeymoon trip and presently Prem & Gowri were on honeymoon trip. He believed it. I also made him believe that, our role-play was absolutely necessary for your mental satisfaction and happiness. It would help you to embrace your new marital life devoid of any guilt feelings. The requirement of the hour was to create loathsome in your mind.He believed everything. He wanted you to be happy with Prem. He wanted your unborn child should get social status. He had decided to sacrifice his love. He had decided to give you freedom along with house and money. While I thought he was busy in preparation of his new business, he silently prepared himself and landed in Bangalore without our knowledge. He decided on his own to apologise to you and personally hand over house deed, money and divorce papers. In the process, he unknowingly created deep pain in your heart. Unfortunately, things turned wrong leading to your extreme steps. We were lucky that your sleeping pills were replaced with anti-depressant pills.We almost lost you. God is great to send you back with us.
***
We were also erroneous on another account. We were curious on sudden missing of your entire pills. We suspected your sexual drugging observing your unnatural sudden outburst of physical appetite. We made a connection with pills and your physical urges only after plotting your behavioural pattern variation on daily basis as well as over entire period. We observed surge in physical urge in increasing trend after lunch. Your physical obsession was clearly detectable. Then there was decline after 1st visit of Gowri. Your aggressiveness was diminished indicating stoppage of pills. Reasons for sudden disappearance of pills were baffling.It could be you or Prem. We were undecided on the motive behind removing entire pills. After going through your confession with Dr. Preethi, we suspected Prem, as he would be interested to remove proof. After visiting your house, we located the pills, in hideouts of your house. Prem would not have left proof of his crimes. Our confusion got cleared on your involvement in missing pills. Preserving proof of Prem’s crime was your motive behind hiding the pills.
***
Finally, you landed in Hardwar.
I had three tasks in my hand.
First: Did you really enjoy sex with Prem? Did you really get orgasm?
Second: What was the reason for you not getting pregnant?
Third: What was your motive?
And a true confession accepting your motive.
Immediately on your reach, I put you on medical test. By evening I got answer to all my questions.
We Indians are mystic national. Scientific study of sexology started in this land long before any other country even thought of it. In 2ndcentury,Great ‘Vatsayana‘ in his ‘Kamasutra’ has vividly and quite accurately described various aspects of human sexology. In our ancient temples, the graphics in the form of stone carvings expresses the necessity of sexual knowledge in our lives. Example of ‘Khajuraho’ is best example. Unfortunately, we Indians have not progressed. Sex is a taboo in this land. We shy away from this vital topic in our daily lives. We have deviated from our ancient culture. We don’t encourage sex education in our country. Our present culture teaches us to hide and compromise on the very essence of life. The result is obvious. The young minds are full of mis-conceptions about sex. As the body transits from childhood to adulthood, we don’t appreciate the changes. Curiosity and fear grow in our mind. Without any proper amenities, we fall prey to misconceptions resulting to indulging in absurd activities. It happened to my mother. It happened to you.
You were concerned about penis size. You were fascinated about it as it was implanted in your brain. You considered size of penis is all about satisfaction. A big penis only can attain a woman to orgasm. Males are not different. They also boost the same misconceptions. They also consider that the size matters. Psychological inferiority grows within them when they find their penis length shorter. Even before the first intercourse, mentally they are defeated.
The fact is quite different. The female genital is designed to extract maximum pleasure even with a penis of shorter length than the average one which is happens to be around 5.2” when erect. What matters are the prolong foreplay and willingness on the part of the female to get satisfied. Majority of properly excited females needs 5 to 7 minutes of vaginal penetration to achieve orgasm. A man has to hold his erection up to this level.
While a vast population of women never reach orgasm, around 18% women reach orgasm from penetrative sex whereas more than 36% women reach orgasm by stimulation of clitoris. You fall in 36% category. This was evident by the spectacular satisfactory orgasm you realised by your husband stimulating your clitoris, immediately after you had penetrative sex with Prem.
Utilising opportunity, Prem had successfully implanted in your brain, sissy cuckoldry tendency of your husband. You started accepting Prem’s theory without knowing psychological constraints of your husband.Even with drug effect, you had shown some restraint to avoid Prem. To break your will power, he blackmailed you. Deny of orgasm at plateau phase results in sexual frustration. This is sometimes called Edging. Prem had cleverly manipulated you in edging to break your resolve. The sex drugs had broken your physical resolve. He continued edging keeping you in sexual frustration constantly. Finally, you surrendered psychologically to sexual frustration. Before you could come out of trauma of blackmailing, he created horror in your mind by injuring Manu physically. Successfully, he destroyed all your resolves, physically as well as psychologically.Prem was not looking for sex. He was obsessed to transform you into a sex slave.
The human sexual union can occur with or without consent. They are generally of three types.
The first type is prostitution type. It is consented sex with or without attachment of mind. Two bodies meet to get sexual gratification. Mind has no much role to play though both have mutually agreed for sexual union. Always it is connected with some sort of exchanges. It need not be limited to monetary benefit. There can be a wide variety of exchanges like blackmailing, growth prospect, gratification, extortion, knowledge up-gradation, curiosity, attaining pregnancy, therapist’s sexual union etc.
The second one is forced. Sexual union is imposed on one partner by the other by brutal force. Mind does not have much role. Body may respond to attain favourable conditions for pleasurable sexual union. Revenge, despair are mainly motive force behind this. Satisfaction is never achieved as mind is not attached. In rare cases, forced union transits to prostitution types.
The third and the most important sexual union type is mutual without any exchange. Mind is always free and attached. Both partners are ready to give maximum. Satisfaction is guaranteed.
You have experienced all the three types in your life with a single partner. I hope you understand the differences.
“Kavita, are you conversant with anatomy of female sexual organs?” Jaya asked me without losing eye contact.
I had pretty much idea. But presently I have been proved to be wrong in every aspect. I accepted my ignorance, “Not much detail.”
Jaya replied, “It is expected by looking at your blunders. Like penis, the depth of vulva, I mean the vaginal canal up to cervix varies from woman to woman. The average depth is 3.77 inches almost 33% shorter of an average erected penis which happens to be around 5.2”. During arousal, more blood flows to the vagina. This causes the vagina to elongate and the cervix, or tip of the uterus, to lift up slightly, allowing more of a penis, to fit in the vagina. During arousal, blood flows to the genital area, and sexual excitement causes the cervix and uterus to ascend as the upper two-thirds of the vagina lengthen. For an average excited female, the vaginal depth increases to 6.2 inches comfortably accommodating average length penis. We have checked your vulva depth to be around 3.7 inches. Sexual excitement could enlarge it to say, 6.4 inches maximum, well short of 8 inches penis of Prem. He was hitting you at cervix to cause pain. It was impossible for you to enjoy sex with Prem. An average woman like you should be sexually compatible with an average male. A lengthy penis is always a concern for discomfort, more so when the female is not excited enough.
I continued looking at her aghast. She was right.
Her assertive voice continued, “You have never enjoyed sex with Prem, not even during your sleeping with him before marriage. It was always an uncomfortable painful encounter for you as his penis always hit you on your cervix. You can’t change the nature’s law. You were being sexually tortured. The misconstrued conception of ‘long penis more pleasure’ may have tempted you sleeping with Prem for first time. It should not have taken long time for you to understand the reality.
***
As I have mentioned earlier, Manu’s sperm count was 4,50,000 per ml. In medical terms, his semen qualified for impregnating any woman in her fertility.
Though your husband had confirmed of not using any birth control measures, I need your confirmation. Kavita, can you confirm on this?”
Bashfully, I whispered, “I was not on any birth control measures”
We had our assumptions in same line. This suggested for some medical problems associated with you. During your brief affair with Prem for two months, you were virtually not taking any precautions against birth control. You did not get pregnant. This further reinforced our doubt. To confirm we had to carry out medical test on you and we had been confirmed from your gynecology report that you were suffering from Asherman’s Syndrome
“Asherman’s Syndrome?” I repeated,”Dr. Bharati talked about it a few days back. I have no idea about it.”
Jaya explained, “Asherman’s syndrome is a rare, acquired condition of the uterus. In women with this condition, scar tissue or adhesions form in the uterus due to some form of trauma.In severe cases, the entire front and back walls of the uterus can fuse together. In milder cases, the adhesions can appear in smaller areas of the uterus. The adhesions can be thick or thin, and may be sparsely located or merged together.”
Asherman's syndrome is an uncommon, acquired, gynecological disorder characterized by changes in the menstrual cycle. Patients experience reduced menstrual flow, increased cramping and abdominal pain, eventual cessation of menstrual cycles, and, in many instances, infertility. Most often these symptoms are the result of severe inflammation of the lining of the uterus that is caused by the development of bands of scar tissue that join parts of the walls of the uterus to one another, thus reducing the volume of the uterine cavity. Endometrial scarring and intrauterine adhesions may occur as a result of surgical scbanging or cleaning of tissue from the uterine wall, infections of the endometrium, or other factors.
In your first four years of married life, you did not conceive not because of your husband’s sperm quality or count. You did not because you were suffering from Asherman’s Syndrome. The problem persisted from the time prior to your marriage. You had remote chance of getting pregnant by Prem. In your prevailing health condition, you could never conceive.
There must be something wrong. Jaya may have made some grave mistakes. I expressed in astonishment, “How is it possible? I knew definitely I had no medical issues. It was sheer coincidence; I did not get pregnant.”
“It was not coincidence. Only miracle could make you pregnant. I repeat again. In prevalent health conditions, it was nearly impossible for you to get pregnant.”
There is nothing to worry. You have been successfully treated and free from Asherman’s Syndrome paving the way for your pregnancy.
We got definite proof which prevented you from getting pregnant. Immediately the question appeared in my mind, what were the possible reasons for you not accepting artificial insemination?
I specifically asked you for the reasons because, if you tried for artificial insemination, doctors would have found Asherman’s Syndrome long back and corrected.
I subjected you under various psychological pressures to break your mental barrier and encouraged you accepting the truth. I did not inform you on our knowledge to appreciate your confession with truth.
“Finally I could manipulate you for true confession.”
She guardedly said, “I don’t claim knowing all secrets of your life and not interested to do so. Every human has some secrets not to be revealed and it is justified also. It is not a healthy practice to open up our memory to everybody. There is always something of our own which sometimes may not be appropriate sharing with self also, though normally you can’t avoid.”
Jaya looked outside. I followed her. Early morning light showed her presence by removing the darkness.
Jaya again fixed her look on me and said, “You will be meeting Guruji in the evening. You need time to get ready for long journey. The last topic I would like to discuss to remove your one more misconception before closing our discussion. We will talk about gene propagation.
Man’s behaviour is influenced by two forces: heredity and environment. The biological or psychological characteristics which are transmitted by the parents to their off-springs are known by the name of heredity. Heredity is, in other words, a biological process of transmission of certain traits of behaviour of the parents to their children, by means of the fertilized egg. Heredity traits are innate; they are present at birth.
The essential characteristics inherited by all human beings are physical structure, reflexes, innate drives, intelligence, and temperament
The differences in the traits or qualities of individuals or groups are due to the difference in their heredity. It has also been proved that the variations of human beings and the societies are due to differences in environment.
Great controversy has been going on since long about the relative importance of heredity and environment in determining the behaviour of individuals and groups.
Though arguments have been advanced by the supporters of both heredity and environment, no exact conclusions with regard to the relative importance of the two factors have been drawn, nor it is possible either to determine the relative values of both.
Acquiring of all traits is not necessarily due to heredity.Even identical twins, when brought up in different environments, behave differently.The influence of differential training,, experience, home life, social opportunity, economic disadvantage etc. definitely have their influence in the matter.
Man is a highly unstable animal. He is changing-visibly with changing society. The change in social behaviour of man is on account of change in his environment. The records of crime tell that, in the end, the environment is irresistible. If a second generation is more criminal than the first, the explanation is to be sought in the difficulty of overcoming social and economic obstacles.
The conditions of life, the kind of food, of nature, of climate etc. have definitely their influence on them. There is, in fact, convincing evidence that when children are subject to unfavourable conditions, their stature, as well as the weight is affected.
Thus it is clear that heredity alone is not responsible for the physical differences between national or racial groups and that environment has also its influence. Rather stature or the general build up of the body depends upon innumerable factors which play their part from the moment of conception. The mother’s health, gland disorders, food habits, climate, living conditions, occupation, exercise, modes of walking and sleeping, all influence the body structure.
Heredity is, therefore, to be considered not in terms of a single generation but in terms of several generations and so is the case with environment.The intelligence is much more responsive to environmental changes. It is true that the races of mankind certainly differ, because of heredity. As a matter of fact, it is futile to ask which of the two factors, heredity or environment, is more important. Each trait requires both heredity and environment for its development
Heredity, no doubt has its influence on the physiological traits but environment is also the arbiter of our development. What heredity can do environment can also do. Neither can ever be eliminated and neither can ever be isolated. Both have been operative in determining human behaviour. An immigrant group, no matter what its heredity antecedents, exhibits new characteristics when transplanted from its native land to the country of its adoption.
The capabilities of man are hereditary, but their manifestation is the work of the environment.Heredity gives us the capacities to be developed but opportunity for the development of these capacities must come from the environment.
The conclusions that we can draw from the above discussion is that the question, “which is more important, heredity or environment?” wrongly assumes that environment and heredity are opposed, so that if one is important the other cannot be. All the qualities of life are in the heredity, all the evocations of qualities depend on the environment. In other words, heredity has potentiality and environment offers it a chance of bringing them out.
It also follows from this principle that the higher the potentiality, the greater is the demand made on environment. Thus more subtle differences in environment may have little effect on those of low potentiality while the same differences may be vastly significant for those who have higher potentiality.
For instance, a seemingly minor change in a situation, say, a rebuff, may prove decisive to a sensitive nature while it may not affect a thick skinned man. Lastly, the more elastic the life, the more it is at the mercy of environment. That is why environment affects us most in the earlier years of our life when we were most impressionable.
We should thus conclude this controversy of nature versus nurture by accepting the unchallengeable truth that heredity and environment—the two ultimate determinants of every living being- are of coequal importance and that none is more potent than the other.
Favourable environment may give a man of genius the necessary opportunity to reveal his power, and that a person, however talented he might be, will fail to do so in the absence of adequate opportunities. On the other hand, no amount of opportunity would enable a man of mediocre talents to attain the height of a genius. Both heredity and environment are, in fact, essential for our fulfillment. We cannot over-rate one at the cost of the other.
All the above discussion is only to remove the misconception on heredity from your mind. You will be surprised to know that, male endowment size though controlled by heredity is attributed by mother.
Spontaneously I reacted, “What do you say Jaya? What we knew so far is not correct?”
She smiled, “Kavita, unfortunately, this is truth. Yes, gender of child is contribution of father by donating ‘X’ or ‘Y’ chromosome, but penis size is contributed by mother. “
Jaya left her seat and hugged me. She exclaimed, “Now it’s time for you to get ready. I will drop you at bus station.”
She walked downstairs leaving me in my awkwardness.
End of Chapter 34
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