12-12-2020, 09:45 PM
34.5
Kavita
Jaya was immersed into deep thought. I decided not to disturb her. After a long she lifted her face.
She apologized, “I am sorry. It’s unfortunate; you had to face barbaric sexual violation. Autocracies against women are most condemnable crime in the society. My sympathy is with you. “
After sometime she murmured, “I mostly like to agree with your confession. Still I need confirmation from other stakeholders. If you are correct, I may reconsider.”
She inquired further, “Let me get further clarified. You claim, you allowed Prem to seduce you to attain motherhood. Even accepting Prem’s blackmailing, you could have continued your plan to achieve target. Your husband had already accepted your liaison. You could have stopped taking pills. “
I whispered, “I could not. My plan was conceiving without my husband and Prem’s knowledge. Under extortion of Prem, my original plan evaporated. I concentrated on various options of nullifying Prem’s threat. I concentrated more on pills not to get pregnant. I was also concerned on my unexplained sexual urges.”
“Once you could successfully nullify Prem’s threat, you claim you adopted your original plan. You were sure of Prem’s eviction and your husband’s submission. Am I correct?”
I whispered, “Yes.”
You also claim that, “Your husband accepted sissy dress and cuckoldry under threat from your boyfriend and due to sheer love for you. He does not have any mental disorder. Correct?”
I nodded my head in affirmative, “Yes.”
“So you knew about blind love of your husband. In spite of that, you inflicted pain to him. Nobody causes pain to loved ones, but you did. So, you didn’t love your husband. Correct?”
I opposed vociferously, “No, believe me. I love him.”
She retorted, “Don’t lie. Accept the truth. Accept that you didn’t love him.”
I resigned. I sobbed, “I know I love him. I can't prove. If you think so, let it be so. I know from my heart that I love him. I love him, love him, love him.”
After some pause, she said seriously, “I think, you did not divulge everything.”
I pleaded, “Believe me I have told you everything truthfully.”
She sneered, “I did not say that you have bluntly lied. That Friday, Gowri’s revelation had forced you change your plan. You did not elaborate that part. What actually had you planned for weekend, Kavita?”
I briefly lifted my pale face to put down again. It was another shameful act on my part. The inexcusable, ignominious truth was before me. I could not pronounce my shameful planning.
Jaya waited for long, and then authoritatively she said. “I can understand your dilemma. Let me tell you about your planning. Once Prem was trapped, you decided to continue fulfilling your aim of getting pregnant. Definitely, Prem also started behaving nicely with you. You forgot everything. You forgot his loathsome inhuman behaviour on your husband. You developed a soft corner for him. You wanted to reward him. You planned for a gallant send off party for father of your child. You visited parlour to decorate your body. You adorned your belly with belly ring pendant for Prem’s enjoyment. Gowri’s phone call was a setback for you. Still, you were banking on Saturday night for celebration. You continued your body beautification. You wanted to present your hairless, scented body to your boyfriend to be taken for his appreciation and enjoyment. You had decided to be his mistress for the night. Am I right Kavita?”
She was not right. My main target was my husband. I wanted to woo him. I wanted to win my husband displaying my body. I was afraid of his rejection; I was scared of his loathsome. I wanted to seduce my husband! It was too shameful to accept. I could not protest vociferously. My face further went down in shame. I simply continued nodding my head in negative, vehemently, and meekly uttered, “It’s not true.”
She ignored my protest, “How do you call this type of women in society Kavita?”
I became red in humiliation. She could not be blamed for her admonishment. I deserved it. I murmured, “Pronounce all the filthy words of the world. Slap me, thrash me, do whatever you like. Just allow me once to meet him.”
She continued from where she stopped, “A concubine, a prostitute. A whore Kavita! Unfortunately, your present plan failed. Most probably, you had planned to meet Prem again, again and again. Your adultery with Prem would have continued in future also unabated.”
I protested. “No, Jaya no. It’s not true. I had truthfully decided to end our affair. Believe me. I never wanted to meet him again.”
Scathingly she replied, “Just keep your filthy mouth shut. Even the prostitutes are better than you. You are worse than the road side whores. They sell their body for livelihood. They decorate their body to attract clients. They don’t cheat anybody. And what did you do? You decorated your body willingly for the person who tormented your husband. Isn’t it Kavita?”
This time I could not keep mum. I protested, “I did not visit parlour for Prem. I did plan to spend night with my husband to explain him about truth of A.A and prevail upon him to accept that Prem did not vacate our house because he did not ask Prem to do so. I wanted him to ask Prem to leave. I wanted Prem to vacate as soon as my husband asks him to do so. It was necessary for me to boost my husband’s dignity and make him believe that he was actually head of family. “
Jaya retorted, “Do you want me to believe your story? It’s shame on you, Kavita. You are nothing but a cheater. You not only cheated your husband; you cheated his parents also. What mistakes have they done to get you married with their son? Still you claim of love!”
“A mother knows who the father of her child is. A man blindly believes his woman with regard to his children. He works hard forgetting his comfort and luxury for future of his children. He never doubts his woman to betray him. He never thinks of his woman to cheat him with his child. This blind belief keeps the bonding intact for a man and his wife. Manu tolerated all humiliations and physical tortures. He was ready to expunge your adultery. But he could not accept the possibilities of his wife getting pregnant by somebody other than himself. He kept a vigil on your pills. He decided to leave the moment he confirmed your evil plan. There cannot be a greater betrayal in life of a man when his woman conceives with somebody’s child and fools him with blatant lies. You did the same Kavita! Do you think you have any moral right to face your husband?
I put my face further down. I did not answer. There was nothing I could speak. She was right. I was a shameless filthy cheater.
She pondered, “By the way, you could have opted for artificial insemination. Did you not think about it?”
I stammered, “I did think. But the pathetic life of my husband was before me. I had seen him for years yawning in pain. By hereditary, his blood would carry same physic, same physical endurance. I disliked seeing my children facing the same problem. Knowing future, it was not acceptable for me to put the lives of my children into shambles.”
After sometime she murmured, “Considering you and your husband both have divulged truth at appropriate level, do you know what happened on that frightful Saturday you found Manu exiting Prem’s bedroom after you returned from movie?”
I stared at her.
“Manu was curious about your past relationship with Prem. You never disclosed your past. Out of modesty, he also could not ask you directly. He scooped in your diary to get some hints. You showed him your displeasures. You remained elusive. You were showing physical intimacy with Prem. Manu was getting frustrated out of insecurity. He was afraid of losing you to Prem. Finding opportunity; he snooped around Prem’s trunk. He discovered you with Prem in Prem’s photo album. Your past partially opened to him. He was devastated. He concluded your hidden agenda of leaving him for Prem. Whatever may be the reasons; you had withdrawn sex to Manu. He concluded that you never loved him. You were just waiting for a chance. The overall frustration took over his senses. His stress level was alarmingly high. He made a great mistake. In a bid to overcome his stress, he masturbated on the spot.”
“Next day Prem thrashed Manu physically for snooping around his personal belongings. He confirmed your physical relationship with him earlier. Manu could neither agree nor disagree. He threatened to pull out his testicles. He blackmailed him of informing you about his snooping around and his pervert act of masturbation seeing his wife with another man in photo album. This was not perversion. It was an act of emotional outburst. However, Manu was afraid like anything. He was already concerned of losing you to Prem. He was captivated in his apprehension. Prem continued physically abusing and blackmailing Manu on revealing his masturbation act to you. Manu was certain that you would leave him forever knowing the truth. In spite of your continual inquiry, he could never come out of his foreboding wince. Prem continued bullying him, coerced him in his favour. One side you continued displaying physical intimacy with Prem and other side Prem’s intimidation. While you were pressuring him psychologically, Prem was exerting physical and psychological pressure. Added to his misery were feminine drugs he was subjected. Manu could not survive this three-pronged attack. He was losing his manliness; he was losing his erection. He could not tell you the truth. He continued suppressing his other feelings just to keep you happy. He accepted all humiliations with grace in order not to lose you. He expressed his dire state of affairs to you many times only to be intimidated further. He surrendered to his inevitable.”
I was pained and shocked. The truth I was searching for was finally cropped up before me. I could not withhold my bewilderment, “I asked him repeatedly on regular intervals. Why could not he tell me such innocuous action? It was a simple biological activity.”
“He could not. He was possessed in his predicament. He was possessed in his upbringing.”
I looked at her disapprovingly. Jaya must have sensed my body language in near darkness, “Answer me Kavita. During your temporary shifting to Manu on weekend, Manu was looking for sex. You averted, as you were in periods. You did not reveal the truth. You could not tell your husband that you were in periods. It happens. It is in our mind. It is a taboo word courtesy to our societal upbringing.”
She was right. Till date I played hide and seek with my periods. I always avoided discussion on my periods. During my entire marital life, I never directly acknowledged about my periods to Manu. I always referred it as temporary un-wellness though it was a vital biological phenomenon of every woman. Even, I never allowed him to purchase my sanitary napkins. Always I procured them myself.
Jaya continued in assurance, “Don’t unnecessarily torture your mind much over it. His accepting the truth could hardly make any substantial changes in subsequent events. You were on your mission. Prem was on his mission. Prem would have planned differently. He had perfectly planned to trap you exploiting your weakness. Manu truly understood your state of affairs. He correctly presumed your slavery. Only he failed to understand the exact reasons. He put the blame on himself for your sexual addiction. He considered his lack of sexual power and consequent to your physical un-satisfaction was the only reason for your adultery. He sincerely believed, one day you would be able to come out of your slavery and reunite with him.”
“Do you remember Kavita, about your commitment on the day you shifted to Prem’s bedroom? You said like this.”
"We both have things to think about, Manu. We both need to reflect on things. I don't know which of us is wrong, now. Manu, you say you have nothing to hide that could have a bearing on my actions, right? If that is indeed the case, Manu, I will admit that it will mean I have made a serious mistake. And I need to reflect on what I need to do, to correct the consequences of my mistake. You, Manu, need to reflect on why you kept quiet for so long, and figure out if my feeling that you don't have any attachment over me is unjustified. And if my feeling is justified, what corrective action would you need to take. And if my feeling is unjustified, what is the TRUE reason that you kept quiet for so long."
Jaya was weeping. Yes, she was weeping.
I heard her broken voice partially choked, “Yes, Manu had concealed his grave mistakes. Now you know the reasons for his keeping mum for so long. You are in better positions to judge on his attachment over you. If you accept Manu’s attachment, Kavita, can you please reflect on your actions to correct the consequences of your mistakes?”
I had no answer.
“Kavita, please answer. Manu wants to know his fault. Manu deserves clarification, how hiding this simple incident could lead to your brazen adultery.”
In choked voice I quavered, “I never doubted his attachment. I punished him for his no fault. I could not disclose my quandary state of affairs as I was afraid, he would leave me once the truth was known. I deluded him to save my social status. I was well aware of his abatement. I risked his life to save my life.” After a pregnant pause, I completed grief stricken, “Only other option left for me was committing suicide.”
She teased, “So, you accept your mistakes. Then, how do you reflect on your actions to correct the consequences of your mistakes?”
I pleaded with her, “I can’t redo my mistakes. I can only pray for his good health and happy life. I don’t deserve him anymore. He deserves best in this world; He will be happy with you. Just allow me to meet him once. Please allow me to confess my crime. I will go away for good never to disturb you again.”
“OK, say I approve your meeting with Manu. Look at yourself and tell me, can you face him? Ask your consciousness, can you show your ugly face to him? Can you stand near him with your filthy body?”
I pleaded in broken unsteady teary voice, “I know, there cannot be any excuse of my offence. I wanted to die, but could not. Meeting him will be difficult, but I have to. My punishment would not be completed without meeting him. Please allow me once, Jaya, Please. Please allow me confess my crime and seek forgiveness. Just once, allow me seeing his face, for the last time.” I continued weeping.
Jaya ignored my pleading. She continued in plaintive tone. “That day Manu reached your house to confess. He had no knowledge of your present life status. Even today, he has no knowledge about it. He was certain of your continuing relationship with Prem. He was certain of your marriage and pregnancy. Presently you are not pregnant by chance. You could have been pregnant, if your planned worked. What would you have done Kavita? Abort?”
I had no answer. Jaya did not wait for my answer.
“Manu was correct in his predicament. He wanted to give you freedom from wedlock, so that you can lead a respectful life. He wanted you to get married to Prem and give your child legitimate social respect. At the same time, he wanted to make you economically independent. Your happiness was his only concern to visit you. In return, you rewarded him with loathsomeness. He deserved it because he loved you. “
In broken heart, I sobbed, “I have confessed with you everything. Now, you know he is not at fault. He is not suffering from any mental disorders. You punish me for his mistake. My only request is allow me once to meet him.”
Jaya’s tone became critical. “Considering your confession, you don’t have any morality. I don’t find any logical reasons to approve your meeting with Manu. He has already forgiven you. His entire earnings and properties are with you.Your meeting will remind him of his horrendous days and his captivity in physical constraints. He will be ashamed again on his performance issues. He will feel humiliated. Manu is an average built person and there is no further scope for his improvement in this field. I confirm, Manu is equivalent to impotent.”
I protested fervently, “No, he is not. My ignorance has made my life complicated. He was never impotent. He had problems on performance related issue. I should have consulted experts. You blame me, not him. He has already recovered, I know.”
Jaya’s tone had sarcastic pinch, “And how could you acquire this piece of information?”
I shyly informed, “You are pregnant with his child and,” after a pause I added, “I had seen him satisfying you in bed. “
“You did not see anything to claim.” Jaya was firm.
I did not see but listened. I did visualize. Hesitantly, I expressed, “I agree, I did not see anything. I heard you moaning in pleasure.” I was defensive.
Jaya was sarcastic, “So, you were snooping around! Not a good habit at all. I never expected this from you. I was of the opinion that Manu had this habit. Any way he was a cuckold. It fits him well. But you are a well cultured, educated, modern woman. It does not fit you at all.”
I begged, “Please Jaya. You know very well that he is not cuckold. Please don’t call him cuckold. I beg you. I am sorry to eavesdrop you. I was jealous. I could not control my emotions. I, -- I was curious on your relationship with him. Please forgive me for my uncivilised attitude and behaviour. I will never interfere in your future life.” My voice croaked in pain. “I have lost everything in life. Just allow me once to meet my husband. I am giving my word. I promise, I will go away never to disturb you both. Please Jaya, please, have mercy on me.” I got broken in inconsolable tears.
She took my both hands in her. She appeared softened on my pleadings, “It’s OK Kavita. I must remove your false allegation and illusion. Come with me.” She got up, switched on the light and walked up to my room. I religiously followed her. She placed her mobile in my room and closed the door from outside. “Now place your ear on the door.”
I heard a female voice. It appeared to be Jaya’s. Yes, the unmasked clear voice I heard in Bangalore. It was same voice, same sequence. But sound was clearer than earlier. Jaya was moaning in pleasure and some rumbling sound. Sound of some movement in bed. And occasionally some male voice appeared in between. The sound was clear. The same moaning sound I heard in Bangalore. I looked at Jaya perplexed. She opened the door to fetch her mobile. The sound was louder and coming from mobile. It took some time for my brain to register. I had been duped. I did not know how to react. I hugged Jaya bursting in tears. I was trembling in anticipation. She guided me to balcony and made me seated. Before taking her seat, she switched on a low power light, just enough to see our faces.
She continued after I regained composure, “Whatever you see or listen, may not necessarily be true. We may get deceived by our sensory organs. It’s always better not to react relying 100% on our sensory organs. I expected you to distinguish the difference between the original and fake. You miserably failed to discriminate. Not only ears, but the eyes also deceived your conscience. You had seen us in bed during serving coffee, I lying naked under bed sheet. You saw love bites in my body. I thought, as a woman you will easily find out. It was not easy to deceive a woman’s eye in such cases. You fooled yourself. Do you know, why?”
I simply could negate my head.
Jaya explained, “The reason was you were in despair & humiliation. The constant refusal by the society at every corner of your life had created desperation in you. Fresh humiliation added fuel to it. Refusal of acceptance by your husband was last nail in your desperation. Despair is such an inebriated condition of mind which camouflages the brain. Brain stops working on logic. Brain listens to mind. Brain understands that whatever mind wants it to understand. Brain loses its power to resolve. Your mind anticipated to see me naked in bed in prevalent situation. Mind perceived my state as naked. Your mind wanted my moaning sound as love making sound. Your brain professed the same way. Even you visualised the process of our lovemaking. It was the same state your husband had passed. You did behave with your husband in similar fashion during your stay with Prem & Gowri. He imagined more than what he had seen and listened. Everything he was listening and observing through his mind. He was in love with you. He lost the power to distinguish between sex with mutual consent and sex forced upon. Your constant wailing in pain was conceived as moan in pleasure. His brain could not over rule his mind. You were no way better. You misinterpreted him completely, when he was with me in same bedroom.”
She questioned, “Now, are you convinced that he is an impotent?”
I stammered, “How this can be? “ I pointed to the medical report, “This medical report?”
“Oh! Are you taking about that pregnancy report? Yes, I am pregnant.”
“But you just said that he is impotent.”
“Kavita, you are slower than I thought. The report is true. I’m pregnant with my husband’s child.”
“You are married?”
“Yes, long back. In fact I am mother of a 3 year old boy.”
Even before I could come out of my trance, in pitiful tone she concluded, “I hope your illusion is over. Manu has not improved much from his earlier state. I don’t consider him a man enough to be husband of any woman. Forget about satisfying a woman in bed, he cannot even father a child. Even after accepting his love, the matter remain true is that he has sissy cuckoldry tendency. He had no idea about your role playing. He continued sissy dressing of his own. He definitely enjoyed cuckoldry otherwise he would not have served coffee. He was not forced to do so. He continued serving Prem as his slave. This clearly proves his mental disorder. Though, he is as such a good man, still, I don’t find any justification to allow you meeting him. He is capable of destroying life of any woman forcing her into cuckoldry relationship.”
I shrilled, “God Damnit Jaya. What are you going to do with him then?”
“Same, as you have already done. He is only fit to be cuckold. He is good in domestic chores and an obedient servant. Anyway, why do you bother? “
I screamed, “Please Jaya, have mercy on him. He has already suffered a lot. I am the reason.” I fell on her feet. “ I beg you. Don’t be so cruel. Make me your servant instead. Please release him.” I was sobbing continuously.
Jaya helped me to get up and regain my calmness. Very softly she asked, “What do you want me to do?”
I fervently requested in watery eyes, “Please allow me to meet him once. Give him freedom, taking mine. I will never disobey you. Use me whatever way you want.”
Jaya smirked, “Are you sure what are you saying? You are giving me your word not to disobey me rest of your life.”
I nodded my head in acceptance, “I promise.”
“You have to promote yourself to female version of ‘Severin’ in ‘Venus in furs’ wherein I would become ‘Wanda’. It won’t be an easy task for you. You will lose all freedoms of life. As master I will enjoy all right on your body & mind. I may use you in flesh markets for my purpose. Think again.”
I got shocked at her proposal. My all limbs appeared to be paralysed. Was she joking? I looked at her face questioningly. There was no sign of sympathy. It looked tough and cruel. Slowly I put my face down. It was clear; there was no point of pleading. Very slowly I uttered, “If you claim that is the only way to release my husband from your clutch, I agree. I accept my slavery. But you have to promise. You must not do any harm to him. You will give him freedom.” I even could not cry.
I heard a chuckling sound. I lifted my head to face her again. She had covered her mouth with right hand. I got perplexed looking at her face bursting in deep chortle. She struggled to control her convulsing body. Finally, she could remove her hand off her mouth. She continued grinning for some more time before extending her both hands to take mine. She was apologetic, “Kavita, please don’t take me wrong. I have no intention to hurt your feelings. I am here to help you, not to rag you. Without deep love, you would not have come here in search of your husband. Please forgive me for inflicting pain in you. Manu is like my elder brother. I love him. You are his wife, his love. I envy you.” She wiped my tears with her hand.
I continued staring at her confused not knowing what to do. Jaya understood my condition. She approached to take me in tight embrace. I felt her soft lips on my cheek. I sensed she was not joking. I was in ecstatic. ‘I had been fooled. I could enjoy my foolishness. Manu did not have any physical relationship with Jaya. In spite of my heinous behaviour, she still considers me as his wife. I can get united with my husband.’ My thought was interrupted.
“But there are some concerns. As I said earlier, at present you are emotionally weak on Manu.”
I could sense ambivalence in her voice. “Manu’s uncharacteristic surrender and quit from your life have emotional turmoil in your mind. These emotions are forcing your brain to stop thinking rationally. Your diminishing sexual urge is temporary. You have a strong libido which can only be controlled in two ways: The first one by a strongly endowed man who can satisfy your physical needs on a regular basis. The second one is by controlling your emotions in a favourable way. Controlling emotions are not that easy job.”
She averted her eyes from me. Looking at the distant darkness, she spoke to herself, “Now the situation is different.”
She paused briefly before continuing in same tone, “The present situation is not similar to earlier when you committed adultery with Prem. Manu was only affected person as he was rapidly progressing towards destruction. Earlier you had a fixed target. You had no other great psychological adverse impact. You derived physical pleasure and pain given to you by Prem. There was no much emotional conflict as you had fixed goals of either getting pregnant or getting rid of extortion by Prem. Everything nullified to your wanting desire of attaining motherhood. You were complacent on Manu. “
She walked to the railing keeping her eyes fixed at distant, “Manu as an average built person will never be able to give that physical satisfaction, you have experienced with Prem. Gradually physical urge will build up a pressure in your mind leading to depression.The depression level may betray your defence again. You will embrace adultery. As usual your renewed adultery will have adverse impact on Manu. He is much more composed now. He will be able to accept your adultery as the basic physical need. He will never go to depression. I am afraid; the actual effect of adultery on you will be enormous. You will not be able to stop adultery. Because of renewed emotional attachment, you will feel constant guilt after every encounter. You will be torn into pieces in your emotions. Ultimately you will lose your mental composure.”
I protested, “I don’t envisage as you are projecting. I was under sexual drug effect; otherwise I could control my physical urge. Judging me on my drug induced insatiable physical condition is not proper. Believe me, I love him.”
Jaya paced back to her chair. She made her worry clear to me, “I believe you but not in your love. Whatever be your explanation, the same love was defeated when you invited Prem. As I was explaining you, your husband may not be able to satisfy your sexuality. Mentally you are not of strong personality. Your vulnerability in acute situations is well proved. Unsatisfied body will breach your weak defence weakening your mind further. You will start comparing your satisfying moments. Little by little you will surrender to your lust. There will not be any problem till you are able to control your emotions. However, at slightest opportunity, the yearning level may betray your defence. You will constantly regret for not enforcing divorce and opting for remarriage. You will have same fate as of Mona’s mother. Your husband has already executed the mutual divorce papers. Get divorce and get married. You will have a peaceful, respectful life. Please don’t torture yourself pretending love.”
I responded slowly with firmness in my voice. “I am not pretending love. I would not have come here, if I did not love my husband. My parents and in-laws have renounced me. I could tolerate. I could not tolerate his hatred. I tried to end my life. I took wrong steps on impulse. He loves me. He can never hate me. Nothing will happen as you are projecting. My love will never allow me to desert him. I have done mistakes; I may do mistakes again. I know, he will always forgive me.”
Thoughtfully she addressed, “One side you are my friend. On the other side you are my patient though you never accepted me as your doctor. Nevertheless, I have to perform my duty.”
“As a friend I would prefer to suggest you to go back to your husband. But as doctor, I prefer opposite. Being a doctor, I can’t misguide you.”
“An ideal human relationship should not be condition based. If condition is not fulfilled, the bond of relationship loosens leading to breakage of relationship. A successful marital relationship is dependent on many issues. A balance is to be achieved between emotional and physical compatibility. There are many factors that contribute to a satisfying marriage relationship such as; Love, Commitment, Trust, Honesty, Respect, Transparency, Ability and Willingness to Forgive & forget. There should not be any compromise. However, you should be ready for adjustment. And never deny about a compatible conjugal relationship. A complementary, healthy sexual satisfaction improves mutual bonding.”
Jaya struggled to deliver her final verdict. “I will prefer you to go back without meeting your husband. Your meeting with him will create unnecessary confusion and mental agony. You apply for divorce and get married soon. Time is a great healer. Slowly the image of Manu will fade away.”
Her words were like arrows piercing my heart. My boat was on the verge of sinking again. I shrilled before breaking into cries, “Is there no way for reconciliation with my husband?”
My ears witnessed the most optimistic dulcet, “It is very tough. You need to control your negative emotions much below the limits of tolerance. It’s not easy to achieve. You may have to make many sacrifices.”
I smiled in radiant glow, “I am ready to make all sacrifices.” I confirmed in firm voice.
Jaya hesitantly answered, “I wish you all success. There are other concerns as well. We still need to assess the deep pain you have created in Manu’s mind during your last meet. He may not continue with same attachment he had earlier. Please allow me some time.”
She was right. Our last meet flashed in my memory. All hope evaporated from my mind at a flash. A fresh depression beleaguered me again.
Before I could express myself, Jaya’s phone rang. She excused herself before attending the call. The fading darkness announced the arrival of another day. We have passed the whole night in balcony. ‘Will the new light bring light in my life?’ I continued questioning myself in apprehension.
She was back within ten minutes appeared apprehensive.
Within half an hour, she took leave for a tour promising to return within two days.
Jaya returned only after three days visibly tired. I had spent my worst days fighting with my mind.
*****
Kavita
Jaya was immersed into deep thought. I decided not to disturb her. After a long she lifted her face.
She apologized, “I am sorry. It’s unfortunate; you had to face barbaric sexual violation. Autocracies against women are most condemnable crime in the society. My sympathy is with you. “
After sometime she murmured, “I mostly like to agree with your confession. Still I need confirmation from other stakeholders. If you are correct, I may reconsider.”
She inquired further, “Let me get further clarified. You claim, you allowed Prem to seduce you to attain motherhood. Even accepting Prem’s blackmailing, you could have continued your plan to achieve target. Your husband had already accepted your liaison. You could have stopped taking pills. “
I whispered, “I could not. My plan was conceiving without my husband and Prem’s knowledge. Under extortion of Prem, my original plan evaporated. I concentrated on various options of nullifying Prem’s threat. I concentrated more on pills not to get pregnant. I was also concerned on my unexplained sexual urges.”
“Once you could successfully nullify Prem’s threat, you claim you adopted your original plan. You were sure of Prem’s eviction and your husband’s submission. Am I correct?”
I whispered, “Yes.”
You also claim that, “Your husband accepted sissy dress and cuckoldry under threat from your boyfriend and due to sheer love for you. He does not have any mental disorder. Correct?”
I nodded my head in affirmative, “Yes.”
“So you knew about blind love of your husband. In spite of that, you inflicted pain to him. Nobody causes pain to loved ones, but you did. So, you didn’t love your husband. Correct?”
I opposed vociferously, “No, believe me. I love him.”
She retorted, “Don’t lie. Accept the truth. Accept that you didn’t love him.”
I resigned. I sobbed, “I know I love him. I can't prove. If you think so, let it be so. I know from my heart that I love him. I love him, love him, love him.”
After some pause, she said seriously, “I think, you did not divulge everything.”
I pleaded, “Believe me I have told you everything truthfully.”
She sneered, “I did not say that you have bluntly lied. That Friday, Gowri’s revelation had forced you change your plan. You did not elaborate that part. What actually had you planned for weekend, Kavita?”
I briefly lifted my pale face to put down again. It was another shameful act on my part. The inexcusable, ignominious truth was before me. I could not pronounce my shameful planning.
Jaya waited for long, and then authoritatively she said. “I can understand your dilemma. Let me tell you about your planning. Once Prem was trapped, you decided to continue fulfilling your aim of getting pregnant. Definitely, Prem also started behaving nicely with you. You forgot everything. You forgot his loathsome inhuman behaviour on your husband. You developed a soft corner for him. You wanted to reward him. You planned for a gallant send off party for father of your child. You visited parlour to decorate your body. You adorned your belly with belly ring pendant for Prem’s enjoyment. Gowri’s phone call was a setback for you. Still, you were banking on Saturday night for celebration. You continued your body beautification. You wanted to present your hairless, scented body to your boyfriend to be taken for his appreciation and enjoyment. You had decided to be his mistress for the night. Am I right Kavita?”
She was not right. My main target was my husband. I wanted to woo him. I wanted to win my husband displaying my body. I was afraid of his rejection; I was scared of his loathsome. I wanted to seduce my husband! It was too shameful to accept. I could not protest vociferously. My face further went down in shame. I simply continued nodding my head in negative, vehemently, and meekly uttered, “It’s not true.”
She ignored my protest, “How do you call this type of women in society Kavita?”
I became red in humiliation. She could not be blamed for her admonishment. I deserved it. I murmured, “Pronounce all the filthy words of the world. Slap me, thrash me, do whatever you like. Just allow me once to meet him.”
She continued from where she stopped, “A concubine, a prostitute. A whore Kavita! Unfortunately, your present plan failed. Most probably, you had planned to meet Prem again, again and again. Your adultery with Prem would have continued in future also unabated.”
I protested. “No, Jaya no. It’s not true. I had truthfully decided to end our affair. Believe me. I never wanted to meet him again.”
Scathingly she replied, “Just keep your filthy mouth shut. Even the prostitutes are better than you. You are worse than the road side whores. They sell their body for livelihood. They decorate their body to attract clients. They don’t cheat anybody. And what did you do? You decorated your body willingly for the person who tormented your husband. Isn’t it Kavita?”
This time I could not keep mum. I protested, “I did not visit parlour for Prem. I did plan to spend night with my husband to explain him about truth of A.A and prevail upon him to accept that Prem did not vacate our house because he did not ask Prem to do so. I wanted him to ask Prem to leave. I wanted Prem to vacate as soon as my husband asks him to do so. It was necessary for me to boost my husband’s dignity and make him believe that he was actually head of family. “
Jaya retorted, “Do you want me to believe your story? It’s shame on you, Kavita. You are nothing but a cheater. You not only cheated your husband; you cheated his parents also. What mistakes have they done to get you married with their son? Still you claim of love!”
“A mother knows who the father of her child is. A man blindly believes his woman with regard to his children. He works hard forgetting his comfort and luxury for future of his children. He never doubts his woman to betray him. He never thinks of his woman to cheat him with his child. This blind belief keeps the bonding intact for a man and his wife. Manu tolerated all humiliations and physical tortures. He was ready to expunge your adultery. But he could not accept the possibilities of his wife getting pregnant by somebody other than himself. He kept a vigil on your pills. He decided to leave the moment he confirmed your evil plan. There cannot be a greater betrayal in life of a man when his woman conceives with somebody’s child and fools him with blatant lies. You did the same Kavita! Do you think you have any moral right to face your husband?
I put my face further down. I did not answer. There was nothing I could speak. She was right. I was a shameless filthy cheater.
She pondered, “By the way, you could have opted for artificial insemination. Did you not think about it?”
I stammered, “I did think. But the pathetic life of my husband was before me. I had seen him for years yawning in pain. By hereditary, his blood would carry same physic, same physical endurance. I disliked seeing my children facing the same problem. Knowing future, it was not acceptable for me to put the lives of my children into shambles.”
After sometime she murmured, “Considering you and your husband both have divulged truth at appropriate level, do you know what happened on that frightful Saturday you found Manu exiting Prem’s bedroom after you returned from movie?”
I stared at her.
“Manu was curious about your past relationship with Prem. You never disclosed your past. Out of modesty, he also could not ask you directly. He scooped in your diary to get some hints. You showed him your displeasures. You remained elusive. You were showing physical intimacy with Prem. Manu was getting frustrated out of insecurity. He was afraid of losing you to Prem. Finding opportunity; he snooped around Prem’s trunk. He discovered you with Prem in Prem’s photo album. Your past partially opened to him. He was devastated. He concluded your hidden agenda of leaving him for Prem. Whatever may be the reasons; you had withdrawn sex to Manu. He concluded that you never loved him. You were just waiting for a chance. The overall frustration took over his senses. His stress level was alarmingly high. He made a great mistake. In a bid to overcome his stress, he masturbated on the spot.”
“Next day Prem thrashed Manu physically for snooping around his personal belongings. He confirmed your physical relationship with him earlier. Manu could neither agree nor disagree. He threatened to pull out his testicles. He blackmailed him of informing you about his snooping around and his pervert act of masturbation seeing his wife with another man in photo album. This was not perversion. It was an act of emotional outburst. However, Manu was afraid like anything. He was already concerned of losing you to Prem. He was captivated in his apprehension. Prem continued physically abusing and blackmailing Manu on revealing his masturbation act to you. Manu was certain that you would leave him forever knowing the truth. In spite of your continual inquiry, he could never come out of his foreboding wince. Prem continued bullying him, coerced him in his favour. One side you continued displaying physical intimacy with Prem and other side Prem’s intimidation. While you were pressuring him psychologically, Prem was exerting physical and psychological pressure. Added to his misery were feminine drugs he was subjected. Manu could not survive this three-pronged attack. He was losing his manliness; he was losing his erection. He could not tell you the truth. He continued suppressing his other feelings just to keep you happy. He accepted all humiliations with grace in order not to lose you. He expressed his dire state of affairs to you many times only to be intimidated further. He surrendered to his inevitable.”
I was pained and shocked. The truth I was searching for was finally cropped up before me. I could not withhold my bewilderment, “I asked him repeatedly on regular intervals. Why could not he tell me such innocuous action? It was a simple biological activity.”
“He could not. He was possessed in his predicament. He was possessed in his upbringing.”
I looked at her disapprovingly. Jaya must have sensed my body language in near darkness, “Answer me Kavita. During your temporary shifting to Manu on weekend, Manu was looking for sex. You averted, as you were in periods. You did not reveal the truth. You could not tell your husband that you were in periods. It happens. It is in our mind. It is a taboo word courtesy to our societal upbringing.”
She was right. Till date I played hide and seek with my periods. I always avoided discussion on my periods. During my entire marital life, I never directly acknowledged about my periods to Manu. I always referred it as temporary un-wellness though it was a vital biological phenomenon of every woman. Even, I never allowed him to purchase my sanitary napkins. Always I procured them myself.
Jaya continued in assurance, “Don’t unnecessarily torture your mind much over it. His accepting the truth could hardly make any substantial changes in subsequent events. You were on your mission. Prem was on his mission. Prem would have planned differently. He had perfectly planned to trap you exploiting your weakness. Manu truly understood your state of affairs. He correctly presumed your slavery. Only he failed to understand the exact reasons. He put the blame on himself for your sexual addiction. He considered his lack of sexual power and consequent to your physical un-satisfaction was the only reason for your adultery. He sincerely believed, one day you would be able to come out of your slavery and reunite with him.”
“Do you remember Kavita, about your commitment on the day you shifted to Prem’s bedroom? You said like this.”
"We both have things to think about, Manu. We both need to reflect on things. I don't know which of us is wrong, now. Manu, you say you have nothing to hide that could have a bearing on my actions, right? If that is indeed the case, Manu, I will admit that it will mean I have made a serious mistake. And I need to reflect on what I need to do, to correct the consequences of my mistake. You, Manu, need to reflect on why you kept quiet for so long, and figure out if my feeling that you don't have any attachment over me is unjustified. And if my feeling is justified, what corrective action would you need to take. And if my feeling is unjustified, what is the TRUE reason that you kept quiet for so long."
Jaya was weeping. Yes, she was weeping.
I heard her broken voice partially choked, “Yes, Manu had concealed his grave mistakes. Now you know the reasons for his keeping mum for so long. You are in better positions to judge on his attachment over you. If you accept Manu’s attachment, Kavita, can you please reflect on your actions to correct the consequences of your mistakes?”
I had no answer.
“Kavita, please answer. Manu wants to know his fault. Manu deserves clarification, how hiding this simple incident could lead to your brazen adultery.”
In choked voice I quavered, “I never doubted his attachment. I punished him for his no fault. I could not disclose my quandary state of affairs as I was afraid, he would leave me once the truth was known. I deluded him to save my social status. I was well aware of his abatement. I risked his life to save my life.” After a pregnant pause, I completed grief stricken, “Only other option left for me was committing suicide.”
She teased, “So, you accept your mistakes. Then, how do you reflect on your actions to correct the consequences of your mistakes?”
I pleaded with her, “I can’t redo my mistakes. I can only pray for his good health and happy life. I don’t deserve him anymore. He deserves best in this world; He will be happy with you. Just allow me to meet him once. Please allow me to confess my crime. I will go away for good never to disturb you again.”
“OK, say I approve your meeting with Manu. Look at yourself and tell me, can you face him? Ask your consciousness, can you show your ugly face to him? Can you stand near him with your filthy body?”
I pleaded in broken unsteady teary voice, “I know, there cannot be any excuse of my offence. I wanted to die, but could not. Meeting him will be difficult, but I have to. My punishment would not be completed without meeting him. Please allow me once, Jaya, Please. Please allow me confess my crime and seek forgiveness. Just once, allow me seeing his face, for the last time.” I continued weeping.
Jaya ignored my pleading. She continued in plaintive tone. “That day Manu reached your house to confess. He had no knowledge of your present life status. Even today, he has no knowledge about it. He was certain of your continuing relationship with Prem. He was certain of your marriage and pregnancy. Presently you are not pregnant by chance. You could have been pregnant, if your planned worked. What would you have done Kavita? Abort?”
I had no answer. Jaya did not wait for my answer.
“Manu was correct in his predicament. He wanted to give you freedom from wedlock, so that you can lead a respectful life. He wanted you to get married to Prem and give your child legitimate social respect. At the same time, he wanted to make you economically independent. Your happiness was his only concern to visit you. In return, you rewarded him with loathsomeness. He deserved it because he loved you. “
In broken heart, I sobbed, “I have confessed with you everything. Now, you know he is not at fault. He is not suffering from any mental disorders. You punish me for his mistake. My only request is allow me once to meet him.”
Jaya’s tone became critical. “Considering your confession, you don’t have any morality. I don’t find any logical reasons to approve your meeting with Manu. He has already forgiven you. His entire earnings and properties are with you.Your meeting will remind him of his horrendous days and his captivity in physical constraints. He will be ashamed again on his performance issues. He will feel humiliated. Manu is an average built person and there is no further scope for his improvement in this field. I confirm, Manu is equivalent to impotent.”
I protested fervently, “No, he is not. My ignorance has made my life complicated. He was never impotent. He had problems on performance related issue. I should have consulted experts. You blame me, not him. He has already recovered, I know.”
Jaya’s tone had sarcastic pinch, “And how could you acquire this piece of information?”
I shyly informed, “You are pregnant with his child and,” after a pause I added, “I had seen him satisfying you in bed. “
“You did not see anything to claim.” Jaya was firm.
I did not see but listened. I did visualize. Hesitantly, I expressed, “I agree, I did not see anything. I heard you moaning in pleasure.” I was defensive.
Jaya was sarcastic, “So, you were snooping around! Not a good habit at all. I never expected this from you. I was of the opinion that Manu had this habit. Any way he was a cuckold. It fits him well. But you are a well cultured, educated, modern woman. It does not fit you at all.”
I begged, “Please Jaya. You know very well that he is not cuckold. Please don’t call him cuckold. I beg you. I am sorry to eavesdrop you. I was jealous. I could not control my emotions. I, -- I was curious on your relationship with him. Please forgive me for my uncivilised attitude and behaviour. I will never interfere in your future life.” My voice croaked in pain. “I have lost everything in life. Just allow me once to meet my husband. I am giving my word. I promise, I will go away never to disturb you both. Please Jaya, please, have mercy on me.” I got broken in inconsolable tears.
She took my both hands in her. She appeared softened on my pleadings, “It’s OK Kavita. I must remove your false allegation and illusion. Come with me.” She got up, switched on the light and walked up to my room. I religiously followed her. She placed her mobile in my room and closed the door from outside. “Now place your ear on the door.”
I heard a female voice. It appeared to be Jaya’s. Yes, the unmasked clear voice I heard in Bangalore. It was same voice, same sequence. But sound was clearer than earlier. Jaya was moaning in pleasure and some rumbling sound. Sound of some movement in bed. And occasionally some male voice appeared in between. The sound was clear. The same moaning sound I heard in Bangalore. I looked at Jaya perplexed. She opened the door to fetch her mobile. The sound was louder and coming from mobile. It took some time for my brain to register. I had been duped. I did not know how to react. I hugged Jaya bursting in tears. I was trembling in anticipation. She guided me to balcony and made me seated. Before taking her seat, she switched on a low power light, just enough to see our faces.
She continued after I regained composure, “Whatever you see or listen, may not necessarily be true. We may get deceived by our sensory organs. It’s always better not to react relying 100% on our sensory organs. I expected you to distinguish the difference between the original and fake. You miserably failed to discriminate. Not only ears, but the eyes also deceived your conscience. You had seen us in bed during serving coffee, I lying naked under bed sheet. You saw love bites in my body. I thought, as a woman you will easily find out. It was not easy to deceive a woman’s eye in such cases. You fooled yourself. Do you know, why?”
I simply could negate my head.
Jaya explained, “The reason was you were in despair & humiliation. The constant refusal by the society at every corner of your life had created desperation in you. Fresh humiliation added fuel to it. Refusal of acceptance by your husband was last nail in your desperation. Despair is such an inebriated condition of mind which camouflages the brain. Brain stops working on logic. Brain listens to mind. Brain understands that whatever mind wants it to understand. Brain loses its power to resolve. Your mind anticipated to see me naked in bed in prevalent situation. Mind perceived my state as naked. Your mind wanted my moaning sound as love making sound. Your brain professed the same way. Even you visualised the process of our lovemaking. It was the same state your husband had passed. You did behave with your husband in similar fashion during your stay with Prem & Gowri. He imagined more than what he had seen and listened. Everything he was listening and observing through his mind. He was in love with you. He lost the power to distinguish between sex with mutual consent and sex forced upon. Your constant wailing in pain was conceived as moan in pleasure. His brain could not over rule his mind. You were no way better. You misinterpreted him completely, when he was with me in same bedroom.”
She questioned, “Now, are you convinced that he is an impotent?”
I stammered, “How this can be? “ I pointed to the medical report, “This medical report?”
“Oh! Are you taking about that pregnancy report? Yes, I am pregnant.”
“But you just said that he is impotent.”
“Kavita, you are slower than I thought. The report is true. I’m pregnant with my husband’s child.”
“You are married?”
“Yes, long back. In fact I am mother of a 3 year old boy.”
Even before I could come out of my trance, in pitiful tone she concluded, “I hope your illusion is over. Manu has not improved much from his earlier state. I don’t consider him a man enough to be husband of any woman. Forget about satisfying a woman in bed, he cannot even father a child. Even after accepting his love, the matter remain true is that he has sissy cuckoldry tendency. He had no idea about your role playing. He continued sissy dressing of his own. He definitely enjoyed cuckoldry otherwise he would not have served coffee. He was not forced to do so. He continued serving Prem as his slave. This clearly proves his mental disorder. Though, he is as such a good man, still, I don’t find any justification to allow you meeting him. He is capable of destroying life of any woman forcing her into cuckoldry relationship.”
I shrilled, “God Damnit Jaya. What are you going to do with him then?”
“Same, as you have already done. He is only fit to be cuckold. He is good in domestic chores and an obedient servant. Anyway, why do you bother? “
I screamed, “Please Jaya, have mercy on him. He has already suffered a lot. I am the reason.” I fell on her feet. “ I beg you. Don’t be so cruel. Make me your servant instead. Please release him.” I was sobbing continuously.
Jaya helped me to get up and regain my calmness. Very softly she asked, “What do you want me to do?”
I fervently requested in watery eyes, “Please allow me to meet him once. Give him freedom, taking mine. I will never disobey you. Use me whatever way you want.”
Jaya smirked, “Are you sure what are you saying? You are giving me your word not to disobey me rest of your life.”
I nodded my head in acceptance, “I promise.”
“You have to promote yourself to female version of ‘Severin’ in ‘Venus in furs’ wherein I would become ‘Wanda’. It won’t be an easy task for you. You will lose all freedoms of life. As master I will enjoy all right on your body & mind. I may use you in flesh markets for my purpose. Think again.”
I got shocked at her proposal. My all limbs appeared to be paralysed. Was she joking? I looked at her face questioningly. There was no sign of sympathy. It looked tough and cruel. Slowly I put my face down. It was clear; there was no point of pleading. Very slowly I uttered, “If you claim that is the only way to release my husband from your clutch, I agree. I accept my slavery. But you have to promise. You must not do any harm to him. You will give him freedom.” I even could not cry.
I heard a chuckling sound. I lifted my head to face her again. She had covered her mouth with right hand. I got perplexed looking at her face bursting in deep chortle. She struggled to control her convulsing body. Finally, she could remove her hand off her mouth. She continued grinning for some more time before extending her both hands to take mine. She was apologetic, “Kavita, please don’t take me wrong. I have no intention to hurt your feelings. I am here to help you, not to rag you. Without deep love, you would not have come here in search of your husband. Please forgive me for inflicting pain in you. Manu is like my elder brother. I love him. You are his wife, his love. I envy you.” She wiped my tears with her hand.
I continued staring at her confused not knowing what to do. Jaya understood my condition. She approached to take me in tight embrace. I felt her soft lips on my cheek. I sensed she was not joking. I was in ecstatic. ‘I had been fooled. I could enjoy my foolishness. Manu did not have any physical relationship with Jaya. In spite of my heinous behaviour, she still considers me as his wife. I can get united with my husband.’ My thought was interrupted.
“But there are some concerns. As I said earlier, at present you are emotionally weak on Manu.”
I could sense ambivalence in her voice. “Manu’s uncharacteristic surrender and quit from your life have emotional turmoil in your mind. These emotions are forcing your brain to stop thinking rationally. Your diminishing sexual urge is temporary. You have a strong libido which can only be controlled in two ways: The first one by a strongly endowed man who can satisfy your physical needs on a regular basis. The second one is by controlling your emotions in a favourable way. Controlling emotions are not that easy job.”
She averted her eyes from me. Looking at the distant darkness, she spoke to herself, “Now the situation is different.”
She paused briefly before continuing in same tone, “The present situation is not similar to earlier when you committed adultery with Prem. Manu was only affected person as he was rapidly progressing towards destruction. Earlier you had a fixed target. You had no other great psychological adverse impact. You derived physical pleasure and pain given to you by Prem. There was no much emotional conflict as you had fixed goals of either getting pregnant or getting rid of extortion by Prem. Everything nullified to your wanting desire of attaining motherhood. You were complacent on Manu. “
She walked to the railing keeping her eyes fixed at distant, “Manu as an average built person will never be able to give that physical satisfaction, you have experienced with Prem. Gradually physical urge will build up a pressure in your mind leading to depression.The depression level may betray your defence again. You will embrace adultery. As usual your renewed adultery will have adverse impact on Manu. He is much more composed now. He will be able to accept your adultery as the basic physical need. He will never go to depression. I am afraid; the actual effect of adultery on you will be enormous. You will not be able to stop adultery. Because of renewed emotional attachment, you will feel constant guilt after every encounter. You will be torn into pieces in your emotions. Ultimately you will lose your mental composure.”
I protested, “I don’t envisage as you are projecting. I was under sexual drug effect; otherwise I could control my physical urge. Judging me on my drug induced insatiable physical condition is not proper. Believe me, I love him.”
Jaya paced back to her chair. She made her worry clear to me, “I believe you but not in your love. Whatever be your explanation, the same love was defeated when you invited Prem. As I was explaining you, your husband may not be able to satisfy your sexuality. Mentally you are not of strong personality. Your vulnerability in acute situations is well proved. Unsatisfied body will breach your weak defence weakening your mind further. You will start comparing your satisfying moments. Little by little you will surrender to your lust. There will not be any problem till you are able to control your emotions. However, at slightest opportunity, the yearning level may betray your defence. You will constantly regret for not enforcing divorce and opting for remarriage. You will have same fate as of Mona’s mother. Your husband has already executed the mutual divorce papers. Get divorce and get married. You will have a peaceful, respectful life. Please don’t torture yourself pretending love.”
I responded slowly with firmness in my voice. “I am not pretending love. I would not have come here, if I did not love my husband. My parents and in-laws have renounced me. I could tolerate. I could not tolerate his hatred. I tried to end my life. I took wrong steps on impulse. He loves me. He can never hate me. Nothing will happen as you are projecting. My love will never allow me to desert him. I have done mistakes; I may do mistakes again. I know, he will always forgive me.”
Thoughtfully she addressed, “One side you are my friend. On the other side you are my patient though you never accepted me as your doctor. Nevertheless, I have to perform my duty.”
“As a friend I would prefer to suggest you to go back to your husband. But as doctor, I prefer opposite. Being a doctor, I can’t misguide you.”
“An ideal human relationship should not be condition based. If condition is not fulfilled, the bond of relationship loosens leading to breakage of relationship. A successful marital relationship is dependent on many issues. A balance is to be achieved between emotional and physical compatibility. There are many factors that contribute to a satisfying marriage relationship such as; Love, Commitment, Trust, Honesty, Respect, Transparency, Ability and Willingness to Forgive & forget. There should not be any compromise. However, you should be ready for adjustment. And never deny about a compatible conjugal relationship. A complementary, healthy sexual satisfaction improves mutual bonding.”
Jaya struggled to deliver her final verdict. “I will prefer you to go back without meeting your husband. Your meeting with him will create unnecessary confusion and mental agony. You apply for divorce and get married soon. Time is a great healer. Slowly the image of Manu will fade away.”
Her words were like arrows piercing my heart. My boat was on the verge of sinking again. I shrilled before breaking into cries, “Is there no way for reconciliation with my husband?”
My ears witnessed the most optimistic dulcet, “It is very tough. You need to control your negative emotions much below the limits of tolerance. It’s not easy to achieve. You may have to make many sacrifices.”
I smiled in radiant glow, “I am ready to make all sacrifices.” I confirmed in firm voice.
Jaya hesitantly answered, “I wish you all success. There are other concerns as well. We still need to assess the deep pain you have created in Manu’s mind during your last meet. He may not continue with same attachment he had earlier. Please allow me some time.”
She was right. Our last meet flashed in my memory. All hope evaporated from my mind at a flash. A fresh depression beleaguered me again.
Before I could express myself, Jaya’s phone rang. She excused herself before attending the call. The fading darkness announced the arrival of another day. We have passed the whole night in balcony. ‘Will the new light bring light in my life?’ I continued questioning myself in apprehension.
She was back within ten minutes appeared apprehensive.
Within half an hour, she took leave for a tour promising to return within two days.
Jaya returned only after three days visibly tired. I had spent my worst days fighting with my mind.
*****
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