11-12-2020, 08:30 PM
34.4
Kavita
My submission in Prem’s bedroom continued in expected lines. Prem wanted to make a live show of our love making. He purposefully kept the bedroom door opened. He never allowed me close the door in night during his sexual odyssey with me. My husband stopped all communications with me except bare necessary ones. Contrary to earlier days, Prem was returning late. He had no reasons to come back early. My husband avoided speaking to me in the in the evenings also when I was alone. He was isolating himself in his shell. I also could not garner courage to disturb him. I continued to submit while trying to find solution to my plight.
***
Next Saturday, Prem forced me to mall again after lunch and as usual he was groping my ass. Suddenly we met Gowri. I had no idea whether Gowri had seen him groping me. He was forced to introduce me with her. He claimed her to be his fiancé. Gowri inquired about my husband. Apparently, she did not like my shopping with Prem while my husband was away in office. I informed her of our plan of visiting mall all together next day.
Enthusiastically Gowri informed, “In that case I may meet him here tomorrow itself. I have a plan to visit this mall tomorrow.”
Immediately I invited her to our house, “Even if you miss tomorrow, you can always drop in my house. I look forward for your visit.”
She readily accepted my invitation. Keeping Prem beyond ear distance she playfully whispered at my ear, “You are looking dashing in your tattoo. What this A.A stands for? Is it special nickname of your husband? ”
I whispered back, “They are initials of my parent’s.”
Forcing amusement in her voice, she said, “You are giving more importance to your parents than your husband. He may start waterloo!”
I assured her, “My husband is very understanding and he does not object.”
Most probably she did not believe. At least I guessed from her air of expression.
Next day we visited the mall again. My husband was with us. Gowri did not turn up.
***
Four days passed, I got a call from my mother-in law. My husband had invited them for a visit. She was explaining her difficulties to make a visit. She informed that she would discuss with my father-in law and decide accordingly.
My brain stopped functioning. He had invited his parents, apparently to drive Prem out! Wrongfully, he construed my role in not letting Prem out. He could not be blamed. I had only two options in the event of their visit. Either prevail upon Prem to vacate temporarily or commit suicide. I was at the mercy of Prem. I could visualise every prospect of Prem exposing me. Only alternative of committing suicide was looming over my mind. At any cost I had to stop visit of my in-laws. Desperately, I threatened my husband on his return from office.
I exerted mental pressure on him, “I'll move out, Manu. Wherever. I'll probably move into Prem's company guest house, I believe he has one. Otherwise back home to my parents. And if I have to go back to my parents, I won't ever come back."
I continued building my pressure, "YOU find a way to retract your invitation, Manu. Otherwise, I'll do one of the following two things: either I’ll leave, or I'll stay with Prem in the guest bedroom, your parents can stay with you in our bedroom, how about that?"
He did not commit anything. My threatening was impractical. Only practicality was my committing suicide. I denied sex and informed Prem about intending visit of my in-laws. I omitted my husband’s interference in the scenario and told him, “Prem, I received a call from my mother-in law. They are planning a visit shortly to check on Manu.” I put the blame on Prem, “You only had brought this by injuring him.”
Prem accepted his mistake. He agreed to vacate temporarily. I was still afraid. There was every chance of my husband spilling out the bin. Even, neighbours were not safe specially, Arun. Best solution was retracting the invitation by him. In the night I could not sleep. I tossed various possibilities of forcing him to agree on retraction. I knew his weakness over me. I remembered his maddening behaviour seeing tattoo with A.A letters on my body. I decided to strain on his weakness to win over him. I made another mistake in rush rather than waiting. Next morning, during workout, I arranged display of my college day’s photos from Prem's stock with A.A belly ring pendant. They included some close ups with Prem also. I was confident he would retract out of his apprehensive predicament of loosing me to Prem.
***
In the morning, on return from workout, I tried to assess the effects on photo album display. No visual sign of his loss of composure increased my discomfiture. I was impatiently waiting for a call from him on retraction. Soon after lunch I got a call, it was from my mother-in law. She phoned me to inform their inability to visit at this stage. I got relieved off my tension. I requested her to inform her son also about her decision. Next she switched over to her never ending nagging persuasion of grand children. Whatever relaxation I enjoyed over the news of their non-visit wiped out completely. All my annoyance finally directed to him. He was only to be responsible for all these. I wanted him to suffer for my plight. I wanted revenge on his coercing. I wanted him to witness the ugly display of me union with Prem in bed. That night, I arranged for bed lamp and first time actively participated in bed encouraging Prem. I wanted my husband to suffer. I wanted him to split in pain. I saw his silhouette in semi darkness. My mind went into total rampage. I moaned more imagining his pain than my pleasure. Finally it was over. His silhouette disappeared. I took my revenge. Satisfied mentally and physically, I looked back over the incidents. Grief took over me soon. He had been punished for my fault. Intentionally I punished him more which was avoidable. My fragile temperament had back treated my love. Growing frustration was crushing me. Unable to resist my exasperation, stealthily I made a visit to him. He was sleeping peacefully. I wanted to be on his side, I wanted to cuddle him, I wanted him to understand that whatever he had observed was not true. I did not do anything. I was afraid of being discovered by Prem. I was afraid of Prem’s blackmailing could turn true. I returned back dejected, thinking it was over.
It was not over. Next day morning Prem forced me to wear more revealing dress for workout and pressurised me for the belly ring. I had only opened the forgotten chapter. I only had to be blamed. I tried to evade stating the pendant was not with me and piercing had closed. Prem insisted for fresh piercing and order for a new pendant. I had to agree. It was not end to my previous night’s fiasco. Prem forced me to keep the bed lamp on every night. He found a new weapon to disgrace my husband and display of his domination on me.
I went ahead with belly piercing. I was feeling an irresistible desire to meet my husband in privacy since my fiasco on last Friday. I had to mollify his depression and improve his attachment. The pressure was mounting on me without any ray of hope in near vicinity. Finally, Thursday night opportunity opened up. Prem asked me to vacate on weekend for Gowri.
***
Gowri was to make a visit in our house on Friday. She would be spending the weekend with us. Prem asked me on Thursday night to shift to my husband’s room during weekends. One day I walked out of our bedroom with my luggage. This day, I could not return to our bedroom without his permission. In shameful trepidation, I called him for permission to spend weekend in his bed. He graciously accepted with a lot of concerns. He could have refused me. He did not. He was a gentleman. With heavy heart I shifted my all my luggage without leaving a trace.
My husband was worried about the future of Gowri. A man apparently lost his wife and uncertain of his own life was worried for another woman’s future. The evidence of true character of my husband made me dwarf. We made joint outing on Saturday and Sunday. Prem tried to touch me inappropriately on several times without notice of Gowri. Friday night I initiated sex with my husband but failed to excite him. Saturday night he wanted me physically. I could not as I had periods. I could not tell him my physical constraints, I was feeling shy. I could not come out of my upbringing taboo about period. Finally, I managed giving him my head.
Gowri went back Monday morning. Prem returned early from office boiling with anger. My husband had SMSed Gowri against Prem’s caution. I could understand the psychology of him immediately. He was playing the role of saviour against Prem’s interest. My valiant try to pacify Prem failed. I got scared seeing Prem’s mood of punishing him. He was behaving like a mad creature. Prem assaulted him brutally on his arrival in my very presence. I meekly witnessed the physical torture helplessly. Finally, I offered my body to pacify Prem. Prem rapped me. It was not new to be rapped by Prem. This time he was a wild animal. My ordeal continued for long time. Forcefully tightening my jaws, I managed to control my painful wail not to reach my husband. I had full of apathy for Prem. I continued my brain storming process on various possibilities. I was standing almost on a point of no return. Prem had rumbled my life. The worst scenario I could think of ending my life. I decided. It can’t be continued. He can’t be allowed to blackmail me lifelong and bully my husband.
Once he finished, I spat on him and slapped across his face. He was taken aback. I quickly readied myself for going out. Prem got hold on me just before the main door. I slapped him again congratulating him for behaving like a coward. Scornfully I shrilled at him, “I tolerated everything for my husband and you bastard tortured him! I am going to security officer to confess my crime and report your part also. Go ahead, have your way to expose me. I no longer worried for my reputation.” Prem surrendered. His cowardiceness got exposed. He accepted all his misbehaviour and promised not to repeat, leaving aside blackmailing. Rejecting his pleadings, I stepped forward. It was my turn to be astonished. I never expected him to succumb by the name of security officer. He fell on my feet for mercy. I had no clear evidence against him to submit to security officer. Prem was also aware of it. Still he surrendered just on the prospect of my reaching security officer.
He was no more an arrogant person. Immediately I sensed something greatly wrong with him in the unlawful world. Prem continued to butter. He professed his sincere love towards me. He tried to explain in hardest way that whatever he had done were expression of his blind love. Blackmailing theory was nothing but a clever ploy to woe me. I spat and kicked him while roaring, “Marvellous job done Prem, congrats, though I don’t blame you alone for everything. It’s most unfortunate that I allowed a silly beast in our house. Get out of my house immediately.”
Prem continued begging forgiveness. I continued thrashing him. I spat on him again and again. Prem did not react except begging for mercy. He was begging for not to be thrown out of the house. He was begging for not informing Gowri anything. Prem was no longer a threat to me. Though I did not buy his explanation, still I relented. I wanted to analyse and decide the correct steps. I scornfully informed, “I will decide your fate tomorrow. You go to your room. Be ready for consequences for any slip by you, even if that translates my own destruction. I hate you Prem.”
Once Prem went to his room, I could concrete. It was clear; I could throw Prem out any time. Whatever damage had been done to my husband could not be reversed. I could asses a clear chance of completing my original plan. At least, I could try to save him from exposure of being impotent. I went back to my original planning. Opportunity had been created again for harnessing my goal. Internally I concluded, “I will be most fertile during end of coming week. If God wants, I will be bestowed by that time. Safely I can ask Prem to leave by end of three weeks.” He blackmailed me to achieve his goal. I decided to blackmail him to keep him under control. Same time I planned for creating evidence to keep him subdued.
Later, in the night I managed my husband to come out of his confinement for dinner. In bed that night, he asked me, if I had enjoyed sex after his brutal physical humiliation. I could not tell him the truth. I could not tell him that I was brutally rapped. I forced a smile to deceive him. He spat on me hatred. It broke my heart. I continued to accomplish my mission to gain control over his anger. I badly wanted him to remain camouflaged. I accused him for creating self imposed destruction and advised continuing with sissy dressing. Next three weeks were utmost important to me. I successfully diverted his mind to his wilful act of hide & seek game and subsequent to his acceptance of sissy dressing. The untold incidents of that Saturday were trump card for me for keeping his mental spirit subdued, while I continued planning for fulfilling my ultimate goal. I immediately stopped taking contraceptive pills, but continued to remove one pill everyday to create mask on my intention.
Next day morning I visited mall. This time I was selecting sissy dresses; more derogatory and humiliating. I called Prem after lunch. I forced him to save body hair and get photographed at different poses, a few of them was enacting as eunuch. He was vociferously denying masturbating poses in absolutely nakedness. I forced him to sag while clicking. He was tamed beyond imagination. He was worse than my husband.
Jaya intervened again, “Did you find any change in your physical or mental behaviour after stopping the pills?”
“Yes, within three to four days, strong sexual urge completely vanished. No longer was I finding any form of irresistible uneasiness and did find myself more energetic. I did not have any knowledge of sex drug at that time. I considered my physical change as the elimination of induced side effects of pills.”
“OK, please continue.”
My husband’s mental spirit and love were amazed. Following day, he was ready to confess. I postponed our discussion till Friday. I was buying time. On Thursday, Prem informed me about Gowri’s weekend visit again. Neither was he enthusiastic about her visit nor I. He confessed about Gowri’s growing doubt on our relationship. He confessed that he had already portrayed my husband as cuckold and we had to make a showcase. His vulnerability was evident. Gowri was alien to me and she could have been an accomplice to Prem. Completion of three weeks window was still within my reach. I decided to make a show off and keep an eye on Gowri.
Jaya intervened, “So you started believing Prem?”
“No, I did not. I never believed him from the day he blackmailed me. I was always under impression that he was scheming something. But he was no longer a threat to me. His circumspection about security officer was beyond doubt. I had already fixed my target. I was ready to take the calculated risk to achieve my goal.”
***
As planned, on Friday evening I dressed in a single piece semi transparent revealing short nightly. I wore a body colour full body camisole below it. I called my husband early and wistfully manipulated him in sissy dressing again. He was totally ignorant of Gowri’s visit. After early dinner we spent time seeing TV. On sound of calling bell, I made him open the door. The atmosphere was perfect for Gowri’s perception. He in sissy dressing and I in seductive dressing created atmosphere of his sissy cuckoldry. I saw Gowri glancing at him stealthily. To convince her beyond doubt, I handed over the empty milk glasses to him for cleaning. I observed curious painful look in Gowri’s eyes. Inside bedroom, we role-played. The very next day, I made him to serve coffee in bed. I engaged him in all sorts of household activities to prove his cuckoldry in the eyes of Gowri, while we went for outing. He was caught red-handed eavesdropping same night. I was fortunate; Gowri did not open up any discussion. She helped me to preserve my dignity.
Sunday late evening, my husband approached me in the intervening period when Prem accompanied Gowri to drop her to her accommodation. He was hesitant but optimistic. I saw tear drops in his eyes. I could asses my indictments wrongfully placed at him. I was feeling bad for him. He wanted to explain his cross dressing fantasy. I knew the reason of his initial sissy dressing and I could comfortably guess the very reason of his present sissy dressing. His explanation had no significance. I accused him again for lack of attachment for keeping quiet on my affairs for long three weeks. The truth was I had manipulated him. The truth was my submission to Prem was due my own trepidation. However I could not accept the same to him. I indicated for two more weeks to end the ordeal. He was not happy. He had to accept. I pretended my inability to control Prem. Vaguely I hinted him about my other concerns with Prem which, I could not divulge. I was concerned about my social status. I was concerned about my parents and in-laws. I was concerned about my pregnancy.
Monday after lunch Prem informed me about a snag of his motorcycle and wanted lift from my husband. He agreed on my request, however was sceptical of getting bullied. I assured him for not to be afraid. I did not observe any visible disturbance in his behaviour, when he returned in the evening. Later at night I inquired with Prem about his trip. “It was nothing but some courtesy talk”, Prem informed.
***
Days passed as routine. My husband maintained his stoic distance from me. I also could not find much moral right to keep in touch with him. Gowri announced her third visit in the weekend. It was definitely a mild blow to derail my planning. Gowri’s visit necessitated to repeat the previous week’s demonstration.
Gowri visited for the 3rd weekend in a row. Weekend passed more or less in similar fashion like the previous one. She informed me about her intending visit to Chennai on forthcoming weekend to discuss over marriage proposal. I congratulated her on her mission. In presence of Gowri, I informed Prem to vacate by next Sunday. He was not happy but had to accept. During conversing with Gowri, I casually asked her to be careful about Prem’s motorcycle. Seeing her interest, I ended up describing his motorcycle snag on last Monday and how I helped him getting lift. She took keen interest on such petty incident!
***
Friday morning, immediately after both men departed for work, I visited parlour. Gowri called me for urgent face to face personal discussion. She was not ready to discuss over telephone. I inquired, if it could wait till her return from Chennai. She was deemed to travel to Chennai that weekend. She insisted for immediate discussion.
I got frightened. Was it something related to my husband? Did he contact her again? Of late he was utterly frustrated and there were every reason for his frustrations. Quite possible, he had confided everything to Gowri.
In shaky voice I inquired, “Just give me some hints Gowri. Tension will kill me otherwise. I can postpone my present engagement, if required.”
Gowri answered in lighter voice, “Didi, finish your activities peacefully. Even I also cannot rush immediately leaving my office. ”
She did not clarify anything to clear my suspicion. This time I asked directly, “Anything related to my husband? Did he contact you?”
Gowri got the point. This time she was clear in her answer, “No Didi. He did not contact me. I want to discuss something related to my future and I demand your tension free attention.” After a pause she added with serious concern in her voice, “I am sure Prem is scheming something behind us. I have proof. I want to discuss with you in person.”
She suggested for evening on condition of shunting out Prem during our discussion. My mind veered to possible reasons for her anxiety. She was definitely hiding something. Prem figured in her discussion. Was she already aware of our secret relationship? Or it may be another trap by Prem to put me in fresh trouble? This unexpected development occupied my mind completely. It was a blow to my planned activities. My husband called me when I was least expecting it. I could observe loss of optimisms and nervousness in his voice. He was desperate on two weeks promise by me. He was apparently expecting Prem leaving by Friday itself. I wished I could inform him about my plan. Discussion with Gowri had put me back into my self-imposed shell again. I informed him about Sunday when Prem will be leaving. I asked him to show some patience. His discontentment was evident from his voice. Unable to continue conversation further, I abruptly hung my phone.
***
Rest of the time, my mind remained preoccupied with all possible outcomes. In the evening I was completely zoned out ignorant of return of my husband. I gained my senses only with phone call of Gowri. Presence of belly ring pendant evaporated from my mind. I discovered my mistake only after Gowri pointed out. I made an unfortunate display of my belly ring pendant to my husband in presence of others. The same belly ring pendant I had figured in Prem's album!
Later in the evening, I had a discussion with Gowri, sending Prem out for getting dinner from restaurant. Gowri wanted my opinion on her decision to snap her relationship with Prem. She confessed, Prem had manipulated her projecting my husband as cuckold. She disclosed Prem’s evil intention to get me pregnant projecting my husband as cuckold. Motorcycle snag was falsely conspired by Prem to get access to my husband. Prem’s conspiracy put me in jeopardy. I regretted my decision of stopping pills. I prayed for my period to return by next weekend. During discussion, she relentlessly persuaded me to consult psychiatrist about my husband’s apparent cuckoldry. I had to agree. I could not afford Gowri knowing the truth. Gowri knowing truth would create only complexity in my already complicated life. Moreover, I was not ensured of her trustworthiness. Frightened of consequences, I resumed pills immediately. Frantically, I shifted pill strip to my handbag. I also removed the belly ring pendant to stack in my handbag.
***
After some initial hiccups on Saturday, I had detailed discussion with Dr. Preethi on Sunday. She found me sex drug addict. My contraceptive pills were adulterated. It was a shock for me. Prem had conspired everything behind me. I confessed virtually everything except my pregnancy related issues. She advised me to refrain from any kind of sexual activities not only physically but mentally also. She further stressed more on concentrating on my husband’s psychology and physical health rather than concentrating on gathering proof against Prem for punishment. She advised me not to approach security officer immediately as my husband could have been implicated in false cases. I had totally ignored this possibility as a novice. She drove her points in my brain that his well-being was the need of the hour and not Prem’s punishment. She also reinforced that the characters like Prem are basically coward and they would never publish the indiscriminating pictures they use for blackmailing as it could be a definitive proof of their crimes. I should not have any problem to drive him out. She scolded me for wearing the belly ring depicted with A.A, as it could send wrong message to my husband. He could be pushed to deep depression. She reinforced for early medical consultation of my husband. I discarded the pendant in hospital itself. Back home I was shocked at the decoration of Prem’s bedroom. The environment was clear reflection of Dr Preethi’s diagnosis. My husband was already locked in his room. Luckily, Prem was not available. We hurriedly restored back the bedroom to its previous state. I hid all the pills to a safe place in kitchen. I did not have any knowledge of Prem following us in clinic.
When Prem returned, I charged him for not vacating the house. He cited reasons of my absence and agreed to vacate on Monday after dropping Gowri to works.
***
On Monday morning I requested my husband for taking off for medical consultancy. He did not pay any attention. Finding his mobile switched off, I contacted his office to be informed that he was in seminar. Evening Gowri informed that, Prem had been thrashed by his colleague in his office for showing decency against her in public place. When Prem was back in night, I took the first opportunity to ask him to leave next day morning. My husband returned late visibly tired but composed. By the time I joined him in bed, he slept. I remained awake for long thinking about Dr Preethi’s cautionary advices and possible consequences.
By the time I got up next morning, my husband was leaving for office. He was leaving earlier than his usual timings. I presumed it as the time compensation for previous day seminar. Soon after, Prem vacated leaving his mobile and albums. I held them in reserve as possible testimony of his crime. My husband’s phone was not reachable like previous day. After lunchtime, I got information of his resignation when I contacted his office. I got scared. It was night 10 pm and he did not came back. Perplexed, I informed Gowri and she indicated of visiting me at the earliest. For God’s grace he returned in the night. I informed him about Prem’s eviction and when I was about to follow him to bedroom, calling bell sounded. Presuming Gowri, I opened the door. Prem re-surfaced. My husband misinterpreted and locked himself in the bedroom. Prem was begging for night stay citing reason of his tenant’s refusal on prejudice to inauspicious date. I forced him to go out and closed the door.
I spend the night on sofa drooling. Next day before dawn, may be midnight, after my husband departed, Prem rapped me brutally. He was hiding outside apartment. He was taking revenge on me. His original plan was to reduce me to a drug addicted sex slave for his narcotics business. Finding me consulting psychiatrist, he was afraid of getting exposed. He re-planned to kill me and falsely implicate my husband. He was boasting his plan in details during my ordeal. He was taking revenge of his humiliation of farewell party in college days. Finding right opportunity, I pounded his testicles and could escape narrowly. Before losing my sense, I could successfully latch him in our bedroom. Subsequently he was arrested. I regained sense to find me in hospital.
***
Gowri shifted to our house. My husband was not traceable. He vanished not only from my life but also from my known world. I had no clue about him. I started avoiding phone calls from my parents and in-laws. I had no courage to answer their calls.
Two more incidents shook me entirely.
The first one was my parents. They came to know about my sexual violation and the reasons. I was not sure about the source of their information. They denied all relationship with me. Righteously, they preferred my death!
The other one was my in-laws. They visited Bangalore to beg me for the life of their son. They should have loathed me, thrashed me. I deserved that kind of treatment. Instead, they begged to me. I could not utter a single word.
Free time was unbearable. I took up a job to make my living. I badly needed it not only for money, but also for relieving tension. External occupation made my life simpler. At least I could get some relief from my agony. I was confident my husband would come back some day. He would give me a chance to confess my crime. I was looking ahead for his return.
***
Finally, he returned. He returned along with you crushing my all hopes. I could not get access to him under your protection. He was not giving any attention to me. I could not find traces of my husband known to me for four years in present Manu. One side his refusal to recognise me and on the other side your jovial attachment had all effect in my mind. I became jealous on you. You were snatching my life, my rights. I hated you. I got infuriated on him. Even after knowing my terrible plight, he was inflicting pain. I construed his actions were deliberate to humiliate me. I presumed it as his revengeful actions. I could not blame him totally either. I had my share of irresponsibilities. Circumstantial evidence indicated his presence in my room at dead of night. I found a ray of light of uniting with my husband. I desperately, decided to initiate discussion with my husband. I did not get my chance. You both suddenly disappeared. My suspicion grew strong on his revengeful attitude, more so on you.
***
Same weekend, by coincidence, I discovered all money withdrawn from our joint account. It followed with revelations that our house deed gone missing along with all his credentials. Gowri confessed me about your acquaintance with her fortnight ago and retrieving all information about me. I construed it as an act of treachery by my husband. Your acquaintance with him was fresh in my memory. I got irked beyond imagination. I was devastated by the blatant attack. It shook me on my very existence. Unfortunately, immediate aftermath, he visited for confession. My hapless mind took everything in negative. I was agitated beyond control. I refused to listen and blamed him squarely as a conspirator. I misbehaved with him. I blamed him for my life debacles. He tried his best to pacify me. Finally, dejected on my irresponsible filthy attitude, he asked for hatred. I failed to control my despair. I forced him to resign again. I submitted to my destitute. I spat on him.
By the time, we got credentials of his transparency; I was ruined of everything. I was ruined of my love; I was ruined of my life. Unable to bear mental trance, I got disintegrated into pieces, I attempted suicide. I did not die. Death evaded me again. Gowri saved me. My punishment was due.
***
Kavita
My submission in Prem’s bedroom continued in expected lines. Prem wanted to make a live show of our love making. He purposefully kept the bedroom door opened. He never allowed me close the door in night during his sexual odyssey with me. My husband stopped all communications with me except bare necessary ones. Contrary to earlier days, Prem was returning late. He had no reasons to come back early. My husband avoided speaking to me in the in the evenings also when I was alone. He was isolating himself in his shell. I also could not garner courage to disturb him. I continued to submit while trying to find solution to my plight.
***
Next Saturday, Prem forced me to mall again after lunch and as usual he was groping my ass. Suddenly we met Gowri. I had no idea whether Gowri had seen him groping me. He was forced to introduce me with her. He claimed her to be his fiancé. Gowri inquired about my husband. Apparently, she did not like my shopping with Prem while my husband was away in office. I informed her of our plan of visiting mall all together next day.
Enthusiastically Gowri informed, “In that case I may meet him here tomorrow itself. I have a plan to visit this mall tomorrow.”
Immediately I invited her to our house, “Even if you miss tomorrow, you can always drop in my house. I look forward for your visit.”
She readily accepted my invitation. Keeping Prem beyond ear distance she playfully whispered at my ear, “You are looking dashing in your tattoo. What this A.A stands for? Is it special nickname of your husband? ”
I whispered back, “They are initials of my parent’s.”
Forcing amusement in her voice, she said, “You are giving more importance to your parents than your husband. He may start waterloo!”
I assured her, “My husband is very understanding and he does not object.”
Most probably she did not believe. At least I guessed from her air of expression.
Next day we visited the mall again. My husband was with us. Gowri did not turn up.
***
Four days passed, I got a call from my mother-in law. My husband had invited them for a visit. She was explaining her difficulties to make a visit. She informed that she would discuss with my father-in law and decide accordingly.
My brain stopped functioning. He had invited his parents, apparently to drive Prem out! Wrongfully, he construed my role in not letting Prem out. He could not be blamed. I had only two options in the event of their visit. Either prevail upon Prem to vacate temporarily or commit suicide. I was at the mercy of Prem. I could visualise every prospect of Prem exposing me. Only alternative of committing suicide was looming over my mind. At any cost I had to stop visit of my in-laws. Desperately, I threatened my husband on his return from office.
I exerted mental pressure on him, “I'll move out, Manu. Wherever. I'll probably move into Prem's company guest house, I believe he has one. Otherwise back home to my parents. And if I have to go back to my parents, I won't ever come back."
I continued building my pressure, "YOU find a way to retract your invitation, Manu. Otherwise, I'll do one of the following two things: either I’ll leave, or I'll stay with Prem in the guest bedroom, your parents can stay with you in our bedroom, how about that?"
He did not commit anything. My threatening was impractical. Only practicality was my committing suicide. I denied sex and informed Prem about intending visit of my in-laws. I omitted my husband’s interference in the scenario and told him, “Prem, I received a call from my mother-in law. They are planning a visit shortly to check on Manu.” I put the blame on Prem, “You only had brought this by injuring him.”
Prem accepted his mistake. He agreed to vacate temporarily. I was still afraid. There was every chance of my husband spilling out the bin. Even, neighbours were not safe specially, Arun. Best solution was retracting the invitation by him. In the night I could not sleep. I tossed various possibilities of forcing him to agree on retraction. I knew his weakness over me. I remembered his maddening behaviour seeing tattoo with A.A letters on my body. I decided to strain on his weakness to win over him. I made another mistake in rush rather than waiting. Next morning, during workout, I arranged display of my college day’s photos from Prem's stock with A.A belly ring pendant. They included some close ups with Prem also. I was confident he would retract out of his apprehensive predicament of loosing me to Prem.
***
In the morning, on return from workout, I tried to assess the effects on photo album display. No visual sign of his loss of composure increased my discomfiture. I was impatiently waiting for a call from him on retraction. Soon after lunch I got a call, it was from my mother-in law. She phoned me to inform their inability to visit at this stage. I got relieved off my tension. I requested her to inform her son also about her decision. Next she switched over to her never ending nagging persuasion of grand children. Whatever relaxation I enjoyed over the news of their non-visit wiped out completely. All my annoyance finally directed to him. He was only to be responsible for all these. I wanted him to suffer for my plight. I wanted revenge on his coercing. I wanted him to witness the ugly display of me union with Prem in bed. That night, I arranged for bed lamp and first time actively participated in bed encouraging Prem. I wanted my husband to suffer. I wanted him to split in pain. I saw his silhouette in semi darkness. My mind went into total rampage. I moaned more imagining his pain than my pleasure. Finally it was over. His silhouette disappeared. I took my revenge. Satisfied mentally and physically, I looked back over the incidents. Grief took over me soon. He had been punished for my fault. Intentionally I punished him more which was avoidable. My fragile temperament had back treated my love. Growing frustration was crushing me. Unable to resist my exasperation, stealthily I made a visit to him. He was sleeping peacefully. I wanted to be on his side, I wanted to cuddle him, I wanted him to understand that whatever he had observed was not true. I did not do anything. I was afraid of being discovered by Prem. I was afraid of Prem’s blackmailing could turn true. I returned back dejected, thinking it was over.
It was not over. Next day morning Prem forced me to wear more revealing dress for workout and pressurised me for the belly ring. I had only opened the forgotten chapter. I only had to be blamed. I tried to evade stating the pendant was not with me and piercing had closed. Prem insisted for fresh piercing and order for a new pendant. I had to agree. It was not end to my previous night’s fiasco. Prem forced me to keep the bed lamp on every night. He found a new weapon to disgrace my husband and display of his domination on me.
I went ahead with belly piercing. I was feeling an irresistible desire to meet my husband in privacy since my fiasco on last Friday. I had to mollify his depression and improve his attachment. The pressure was mounting on me without any ray of hope in near vicinity. Finally, Thursday night opportunity opened up. Prem asked me to vacate on weekend for Gowri.
***
Gowri was to make a visit in our house on Friday. She would be spending the weekend with us. Prem asked me on Thursday night to shift to my husband’s room during weekends. One day I walked out of our bedroom with my luggage. This day, I could not return to our bedroom without his permission. In shameful trepidation, I called him for permission to spend weekend in his bed. He graciously accepted with a lot of concerns. He could have refused me. He did not. He was a gentleman. With heavy heart I shifted my all my luggage without leaving a trace.
My husband was worried about the future of Gowri. A man apparently lost his wife and uncertain of his own life was worried for another woman’s future. The evidence of true character of my husband made me dwarf. We made joint outing on Saturday and Sunday. Prem tried to touch me inappropriately on several times without notice of Gowri. Friday night I initiated sex with my husband but failed to excite him. Saturday night he wanted me physically. I could not as I had periods. I could not tell him my physical constraints, I was feeling shy. I could not come out of my upbringing taboo about period. Finally, I managed giving him my head.
Gowri went back Monday morning. Prem returned early from office boiling with anger. My husband had SMSed Gowri against Prem’s caution. I could understand the psychology of him immediately. He was playing the role of saviour against Prem’s interest. My valiant try to pacify Prem failed. I got scared seeing Prem’s mood of punishing him. He was behaving like a mad creature. Prem assaulted him brutally on his arrival in my very presence. I meekly witnessed the physical torture helplessly. Finally, I offered my body to pacify Prem. Prem rapped me. It was not new to be rapped by Prem. This time he was a wild animal. My ordeal continued for long time. Forcefully tightening my jaws, I managed to control my painful wail not to reach my husband. I had full of apathy for Prem. I continued my brain storming process on various possibilities. I was standing almost on a point of no return. Prem had rumbled my life. The worst scenario I could think of ending my life. I decided. It can’t be continued. He can’t be allowed to blackmail me lifelong and bully my husband.
Once he finished, I spat on him and slapped across his face. He was taken aback. I quickly readied myself for going out. Prem got hold on me just before the main door. I slapped him again congratulating him for behaving like a coward. Scornfully I shrilled at him, “I tolerated everything for my husband and you bastard tortured him! I am going to security officer to confess my crime and report your part also. Go ahead, have your way to expose me. I no longer worried for my reputation.” Prem surrendered. His cowardiceness got exposed. He accepted all his misbehaviour and promised not to repeat, leaving aside blackmailing. Rejecting his pleadings, I stepped forward. It was my turn to be astonished. I never expected him to succumb by the name of security officer. He fell on my feet for mercy. I had no clear evidence against him to submit to security officer. Prem was also aware of it. Still he surrendered just on the prospect of my reaching security officer.
He was no more an arrogant person. Immediately I sensed something greatly wrong with him in the unlawful world. Prem continued to butter. He professed his sincere love towards me. He tried to explain in hardest way that whatever he had done were expression of his blind love. Blackmailing theory was nothing but a clever ploy to woe me. I spat and kicked him while roaring, “Marvellous job done Prem, congrats, though I don’t blame you alone for everything. It’s most unfortunate that I allowed a silly beast in our house. Get out of my house immediately.”
Prem continued begging forgiveness. I continued thrashing him. I spat on him again and again. Prem did not react except begging for mercy. He was begging for not to be thrown out of the house. He was begging for not informing Gowri anything. Prem was no longer a threat to me. Though I did not buy his explanation, still I relented. I wanted to analyse and decide the correct steps. I scornfully informed, “I will decide your fate tomorrow. You go to your room. Be ready for consequences for any slip by you, even if that translates my own destruction. I hate you Prem.”
Once Prem went to his room, I could concrete. It was clear; I could throw Prem out any time. Whatever damage had been done to my husband could not be reversed. I could asses a clear chance of completing my original plan. At least, I could try to save him from exposure of being impotent. I went back to my original planning. Opportunity had been created again for harnessing my goal. Internally I concluded, “I will be most fertile during end of coming week. If God wants, I will be bestowed by that time. Safely I can ask Prem to leave by end of three weeks.” He blackmailed me to achieve his goal. I decided to blackmail him to keep him under control. Same time I planned for creating evidence to keep him subdued.
Later, in the night I managed my husband to come out of his confinement for dinner. In bed that night, he asked me, if I had enjoyed sex after his brutal physical humiliation. I could not tell him the truth. I could not tell him that I was brutally rapped. I forced a smile to deceive him. He spat on me hatred. It broke my heart. I continued to accomplish my mission to gain control over his anger. I badly wanted him to remain camouflaged. I accused him for creating self imposed destruction and advised continuing with sissy dressing. Next three weeks were utmost important to me. I successfully diverted his mind to his wilful act of hide & seek game and subsequent to his acceptance of sissy dressing. The untold incidents of that Saturday were trump card for me for keeping his mental spirit subdued, while I continued planning for fulfilling my ultimate goal. I immediately stopped taking contraceptive pills, but continued to remove one pill everyday to create mask on my intention.
Next day morning I visited mall. This time I was selecting sissy dresses; more derogatory and humiliating. I called Prem after lunch. I forced him to save body hair and get photographed at different poses, a few of them was enacting as eunuch. He was vociferously denying masturbating poses in absolutely nakedness. I forced him to sag while clicking. He was tamed beyond imagination. He was worse than my husband.
Jaya intervened again, “Did you find any change in your physical or mental behaviour after stopping the pills?”
“Yes, within three to four days, strong sexual urge completely vanished. No longer was I finding any form of irresistible uneasiness and did find myself more energetic. I did not have any knowledge of sex drug at that time. I considered my physical change as the elimination of induced side effects of pills.”
“OK, please continue.”
My husband’s mental spirit and love were amazed. Following day, he was ready to confess. I postponed our discussion till Friday. I was buying time. On Thursday, Prem informed me about Gowri’s weekend visit again. Neither was he enthusiastic about her visit nor I. He confessed about Gowri’s growing doubt on our relationship. He confessed that he had already portrayed my husband as cuckold and we had to make a showcase. His vulnerability was evident. Gowri was alien to me and she could have been an accomplice to Prem. Completion of three weeks window was still within my reach. I decided to make a show off and keep an eye on Gowri.
Jaya intervened, “So you started believing Prem?”
“No, I did not. I never believed him from the day he blackmailed me. I was always under impression that he was scheming something. But he was no longer a threat to me. His circumspection about security officer was beyond doubt. I had already fixed my target. I was ready to take the calculated risk to achieve my goal.”
***
As planned, on Friday evening I dressed in a single piece semi transparent revealing short nightly. I wore a body colour full body camisole below it. I called my husband early and wistfully manipulated him in sissy dressing again. He was totally ignorant of Gowri’s visit. After early dinner we spent time seeing TV. On sound of calling bell, I made him open the door. The atmosphere was perfect for Gowri’s perception. He in sissy dressing and I in seductive dressing created atmosphere of his sissy cuckoldry. I saw Gowri glancing at him stealthily. To convince her beyond doubt, I handed over the empty milk glasses to him for cleaning. I observed curious painful look in Gowri’s eyes. Inside bedroom, we role-played. The very next day, I made him to serve coffee in bed. I engaged him in all sorts of household activities to prove his cuckoldry in the eyes of Gowri, while we went for outing. He was caught red-handed eavesdropping same night. I was fortunate; Gowri did not open up any discussion. She helped me to preserve my dignity.
Sunday late evening, my husband approached me in the intervening period when Prem accompanied Gowri to drop her to her accommodation. He was hesitant but optimistic. I saw tear drops in his eyes. I could asses my indictments wrongfully placed at him. I was feeling bad for him. He wanted to explain his cross dressing fantasy. I knew the reason of his initial sissy dressing and I could comfortably guess the very reason of his present sissy dressing. His explanation had no significance. I accused him again for lack of attachment for keeping quiet on my affairs for long three weeks. The truth was I had manipulated him. The truth was my submission to Prem was due my own trepidation. However I could not accept the same to him. I indicated for two more weeks to end the ordeal. He was not happy. He had to accept. I pretended my inability to control Prem. Vaguely I hinted him about my other concerns with Prem which, I could not divulge. I was concerned about my social status. I was concerned about my parents and in-laws. I was concerned about my pregnancy.
Monday after lunch Prem informed me about a snag of his motorcycle and wanted lift from my husband. He agreed on my request, however was sceptical of getting bullied. I assured him for not to be afraid. I did not observe any visible disturbance in his behaviour, when he returned in the evening. Later at night I inquired with Prem about his trip. “It was nothing but some courtesy talk”, Prem informed.
***
Days passed as routine. My husband maintained his stoic distance from me. I also could not find much moral right to keep in touch with him. Gowri announced her third visit in the weekend. It was definitely a mild blow to derail my planning. Gowri’s visit necessitated to repeat the previous week’s demonstration.
Gowri visited for the 3rd weekend in a row. Weekend passed more or less in similar fashion like the previous one. She informed me about her intending visit to Chennai on forthcoming weekend to discuss over marriage proposal. I congratulated her on her mission. In presence of Gowri, I informed Prem to vacate by next Sunday. He was not happy but had to accept. During conversing with Gowri, I casually asked her to be careful about Prem’s motorcycle. Seeing her interest, I ended up describing his motorcycle snag on last Monday and how I helped him getting lift. She took keen interest on such petty incident!
***
Friday morning, immediately after both men departed for work, I visited parlour. Gowri called me for urgent face to face personal discussion. She was not ready to discuss over telephone. I inquired, if it could wait till her return from Chennai. She was deemed to travel to Chennai that weekend. She insisted for immediate discussion.
I got frightened. Was it something related to my husband? Did he contact her again? Of late he was utterly frustrated and there were every reason for his frustrations. Quite possible, he had confided everything to Gowri.
In shaky voice I inquired, “Just give me some hints Gowri. Tension will kill me otherwise. I can postpone my present engagement, if required.”
Gowri answered in lighter voice, “Didi, finish your activities peacefully. Even I also cannot rush immediately leaving my office. ”
She did not clarify anything to clear my suspicion. This time I asked directly, “Anything related to my husband? Did he contact you?”
Gowri got the point. This time she was clear in her answer, “No Didi. He did not contact me. I want to discuss something related to my future and I demand your tension free attention.” After a pause she added with serious concern in her voice, “I am sure Prem is scheming something behind us. I have proof. I want to discuss with you in person.”
She suggested for evening on condition of shunting out Prem during our discussion. My mind veered to possible reasons for her anxiety. She was definitely hiding something. Prem figured in her discussion. Was she already aware of our secret relationship? Or it may be another trap by Prem to put me in fresh trouble? This unexpected development occupied my mind completely. It was a blow to my planned activities. My husband called me when I was least expecting it. I could observe loss of optimisms and nervousness in his voice. He was desperate on two weeks promise by me. He was apparently expecting Prem leaving by Friday itself. I wished I could inform him about my plan. Discussion with Gowri had put me back into my self-imposed shell again. I informed him about Sunday when Prem will be leaving. I asked him to show some patience. His discontentment was evident from his voice. Unable to continue conversation further, I abruptly hung my phone.
***
Rest of the time, my mind remained preoccupied with all possible outcomes. In the evening I was completely zoned out ignorant of return of my husband. I gained my senses only with phone call of Gowri. Presence of belly ring pendant evaporated from my mind. I discovered my mistake only after Gowri pointed out. I made an unfortunate display of my belly ring pendant to my husband in presence of others. The same belly ring pendant I had figured in Prem's album!
Later in the evening, I had a discussion with Gowri, sending Prem out for getting dinner from restaurant. Gowri wanted my opinion on her decision to snap her relationship with Prem. She confessed, Prem had manipulated her projecting my husband as cuckold. She disclosed Prem’s evil intention to get me pregnant projecting my husband as cuckold. Motorcycle snag was falsely conspired by Prem to get access to my husband. Prem’s conspiracy put me in jeopardy. I regretted my decision of stopping pills. I prayed for my period to return by next weekend. During discussion, she relentlessly persuaded me to consult psychiatrist about my husband’s apparent cuckoldry. I had to agree. I could not afford Gowri knowing the truth. Gowri knowing truth would create only complexity in my already complicated life. Moreover, I was not ensured of her trustworthiness. Frightened of consequences, I resumed pills immediately. Frantically, I shifted pill strip to my handbag. I also removed the belly ring pendant to stack in my handbag.
***
After some initial hiccups on Saturday, I had detailed discussion with Dr. Preethi on Sunday. She found me sex drug addict. My contraceptive pills were adulterated. It was a shock for me. Prem had conspired everything behind me. I confessed virtually everything except my pregnancy related issues. She advised me to refrain from any kind of sexual activities not only physically but mentally also. She further stressed more on concentrating on my husband’s psychology and physical health rather than concentrating on gathering proof against Prem for punishment. She advised me not to approach security officer immediately as my husband could have been implicated in false cases. I had totally ignored this possibility as a novice. She drove her points in my brain that his well-being was the need of the hour and not Prem’s punishment. She also reinforced that the characters like Prem are basically coward and they would never publish the indiscriminating pictures they use for blackmailing as it could be a definitive proof of their crimes. I should not have any problem to drive him out. She scolded me for wearing the belly ring depicted with A.A, as it could send wrong message to my husband. He could be pushed to deep depression. She reinforced for early medical consultation of my husband. I discarded the pendant in hospital itself. Back home I was shocked at the decoration of Prem’s bedroom. The environment was clear reflection of Dr Preethi’s diagnosis. My husband was already locked in his room. Luckily, Prem was not available. We hurriedly restored back the bedroom to its previous state. I hid all the pills to a safe place in kitchen. I did not have any knowledge of Prem following us in clinic.
When Prem returned, I charged him for not vacating the house. He cited reasons of my absence and agreed to vacate on Monday after dropping Gowri to works.
***
On Monday morning I requested my husband for taking off for medical consultancy. He did not pay any attention. Finding his mobile switched off, I contacted his office to be informed that he was in seminar. Evening Gowri informed that, Prem had been thrashed by his colleague in his office for showing decency against her in public place. When Prem was back in night, I took the first opportunity to ask him to leave next day morning. My husband returned late visibly tired but composed. By the time I joined him in bed, he slept. I remained awake for long thinking about Dr Preethi’s cautionary advices and possible consequences.
By the time I got up next morning, my husband was leaving for office. He was leaving earlier than his usual timings. I presumed it as the time compensation for previous day seminar. Soon after, Prem vacated leaving his mobile and albums. I held them in reserve as possible testimony of his crime. My husband’s phone was not reachable like previous day. After lunchtime, I got information of his resignation when I contacted his office. I got scared. It was night 10 pm and he did not came back. Perplexed, I informed Gowri and she indicated of visiting me at the earliest. For God’s grace he returned in the night. I informed him about Prem’s eviction and when I was about to follow him to bedroom, calling bell sounded. Presuming Gowri, I opened the door. Prem re-surfaced. My husband misinterpreted and locked himself in the bedroom. Prem was begging for night stay citing reason of his tenant’s refusal on prejudice to inauspicious date. I forced him to go out and closed the door.
I spend the night on sofa drooling. Next day before dawn, may be midnight, after my husband departed, Prem rapped me brutally. He was hiding outside apartment. He was taking revenge on me. His original plan was to reduce me to a drug addicted sex slave for his narcotics business. Finding me consulting psychiatrist, he was afraid of getting exposed. He re-planned to kill me and falsely implicate my husband. He was boasting his plan in details during my ordeal. He was taking revenge of his humiliation of farewell party in college days. Finding right opportunity, I pounded his testicles and could escape narrowly. Before losing my sense, I could successfully latch him in our bedroom. Subsequently he was arrested. I regained sense to find me in hospital.
***
Gowri shifted to our house. My husband was not traceable. He vanished not only from my life but also from my known world. I had no clue about him. I started avoiding phone calls from my parents and in-laws. I had no courage to answer their calls.
Two more incidents shook me entirely.
The first one was my parents. They came to know about my sexual violation and the reasons. I was not sure about the source of their information. They denied all relationship with me. Righteously, they preferred my death!
The other one was my in-laws. They visited Bangalore to beg me for the life of their son. They should have loathed me, thrashed me. I deserved that kind of treatment. Instead, they begged to me. I could not utter a single word.
Free time was unbearable. I took up a job to make my living. I badly needed it not only for money, but also for relieving tension. External occupation made my life simpler. At least I could get some relief from my agony. I was confident my husband would come back some day. He would give me a chance to confess my crime. I was looking ahead for his return.
***
Finally, he returned. He returned along with you crushing my all hopes. I could not get access to him under your protection. He was not giving any attention to me. I could not find traces of my husband known to me for four years in present Manu. One side his refusal to recognise me and on the other side your jovial attachment had all effect in my mind. I became jealous on you. You were snatching my life, my rights. I hated you. I got infuriated on him. Even after knowing my terrible plight, he was inflicting pain. I construed his actions were deliberate to humiliate me. I presumed it as his revengeful actions. I could not blame him totally either. I had my share of irresponsibilities. Circumstantial evidence indicated his presence in my room at dead of night. I found a ray of light of uniting with my husband. I desperately, decided to initiate discussion with my husband. I did not get my chance. You both suddenly disappeared. My suspicion grew strong on his revengeful attitude, more so on you.
***
Same weekend, by coincidence, I discovered all money withdrawn from our joint account. It followed with revelations that our house deed gone missing along with all his credentials. Gowri confessed me about your acquaintance with her fortnight ago and retrieving all information about me. I construed it as an act of treachery by my husband. Your acquaintance with him was fresh in my memory. I got irked beyond imagination. I was devastated by the blatant attack. It shook me on my very existence. Unfortunately, immediate aftermath, he visited for confession. My hapless mind took everything in negative. I was agitated beyond control. I refused to listen and blamed him squarely as a conspirator. I misbehaved with him. I blamed him for my life debacles. He tried his best to pacify me. Finally, dejected on my irresponsible filthy attitude, he asked for hatred. I failed to control my despair. I forced him to resign again. I submitted to my destitute. I spat on him.
By the time, we got credentials of his transparency; I was ruined of everything. I was ruined of my love; I was ruined of my life. Unable to bear mental trance, I got disintegrated into pieces, I attempted suicide. I did not die. Death evaded me again. Gowri saved me. My punishment was due.
***
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