08-12-2020, 09:32 PM
34.1
Kavita
Originally, we were hailing from a place very near to Nasik. It was a small town with minimum facilities. My parents were from well off upper cast society and strictly vegetarian. They were rich but not above orthodox mentality. Since child hood I have seen them performing pujas very religiously. My father Aviram Joshi was a respectful person in the society. He valued cultural morality above personal needs. He valued education, especially women’s education. One side he talked about women’s liberty and on the other side physical and mental purity of women was equally important to him. Modernism and stagnation both simultaneously adorned his character. My mother Anita was shadow of my father. She always believed my father blindly and followed him irrespective of any outcome. Was she afraid of my father? I don’t know. What I knew that she loved him more than her life. His wishes were last words in her life. Her life revolved around my father.
I was only child of my parents. Since childhood I was pampered. My parents loved me a lot but never allowed me indulging in any kind of activities jeopardizing societal moral values. I was encouraged to perform pujas and spiritual activities. I was educated on moral values of a woman and preserve virtues of a good woman. The do’s and don’ts were well defined in my life.
I had a very lonely childhood. We were only three. Very seldom, I had opportunity to play around. The school was better. I could play with other girls. House was like a jail. Not that my parents did not take care of me. There were no dearth of love & care from my parents. I was missing the company of my age group. I used to make complains to my mother for siblings. My mother always solaced me saying, “God has decided against it. We can’t change his decision. Whatever he does is for our betterment. But don’t worry; you will get a lot of children.” Since then, I dreamed off a lot of children of my own. The truth revealed, only when I was in college during my intermediate course. My mother had to abort her 2nd issue at very advanced stage due to medical complications. It was a boy. She was advised against further pregnancy due to acute anaemia.My apparently happy mother was not happy in her mind. She still remembered her unborn child. “If he had been alive, he would have finished school.” She would tell me very often. She confided me of her feelings. For her it was like a murder. She was always remorseful of killing an innocent life. I started hating abortion. If I could delete the word from human life, I thought!
The puberty brought a lot of changes in me. I was told about monthly impurity. At this stage I know, it is a must biological process of every woman’s life and there is nothing impure in it. But it is difficult to forgo the practices implanted in your mind so easily. Even today, some restrictions have their traces in my mind and some of the restrictions I still follow without any proper logical resolves. The restrictions on my activities increased during my periods. I was being treated as untouchable during those days. There were sudden changes in my physical appearances. My breasts started to grow. Pubic hairs started appearing.I felt a growing insecurity over my body. I felt a strong desire to hide me from myself and all others. Even today, period is a taboo word for me in my subconscious mind.
Even before attaining puberty, I was cut off from boys. I was discouraged to speak to male members outside of my family. My schooling started in girl’s school. Then higher secondary education continued in a women’s college. A few girls used to come to college in western dress. Nasik was developing at rapid space. Western culture especially on fashion front was spreading under direct influence from Mumbai. My dress was mostly sari and for a few occasions shalwar kameez. I grew fondness in western dress, though it was beyond my reach. I wanted to experiment. I knew, my father will never allow. It’s only increased my frustration. I started blaming my fate, my upbringing culture.
There was no chance for me to mingle with boys. I developed some kind of attraction towards opposite sex. The girls of my age were involved in gossiping about their boyfriends. I used to listen and get excited. They discussed everything. Kissing and fondling were very common. Many a time they discussed about hand job and blowjob also. The vivid description of sexual intimacy was intensifying in my mind. I started visualising me in their place. The illusions made me more excited. Very often, I used to immerse into virtual world. I used to spend hours imagining my unknown boyfriend kissing me, fondling my breast or sucking me. I never imagined about blowjob. I hated the concept from very beginning. I always considered it sick and wired. Even mere thought of taking male organ in mouth used to create vomiting sensation. I had no clear idea about male organ. I had never seen them in reality except in prints. My knowledge was limited to biology class book. It was the member of males for dual purpose, for pissing and intercourse. Yes, the meaning and purpose of intercourse was known, courtesy to my matured friends in the college. Towards end of my intermediate education, I had chance to look at colour prints of male organ.
I was better in studies. I performed better in higher secondary and secured a place in one of the prestigious engineering college in Mumbai. Hostel should have been the first choice. My father opined differently. He relocated himself to suburb of Mumbai near to my college. My engineering college life started. My condition was like setting into vast sea from well. Everywhere, there was freedom. Boys were not from another world. They were entity of the same class and sometimes from same bench. The western dresses were no more out of bounds. Permission was granted for jeans and T-shirts with some restrictions. My father had no option but to extend this small liberty. His society had changed. No longer he could behave like a pun and restrict me in primitivism. His changes were in his outer shell. My father was same as earlier when considered about moral values within boundaries of our house. I had to restrict myself in sari-blouse inside house.
My world changed. Distinctly there were two opposite phases, total freedom in college and partial restriction in house. I had to maintain tranquillity in house, though some shadow of college life always induced. My transformation was quite visible. I was learning life at quite greater pace. I was keen to acquire my lost world. My figure was attractive and my face had an appealing beauty. Within a very short period, I was able to draw attention of opposite sexes. No of my boyfriends surpassed girlfriends. The girls were jealous. Many of them resorted to revealing dresses to win over boys’ attractions. My boyfriends comprised all types. Some were romantic. Some were materialistic. I had temptations to experiment my sexuality. A growing desire to fulfil untouched virtual dream occasionally engulfed my mind. I had my limitations. I could suppress my feelings. Slowly I could win over my obsession. Some of the girls lost their virginity by end of second year. I was confident to preserve for my future husband. I maintained a purposeful physical distance from all of my boyfriends. Many tried to seduce me. Successfully, I could thwart off their plans.
In the middle of my third year, I was swept by a storm called Prem. He was one-year junior to me in college. His full name was Amir Ali. He was famous in friend circle by Prem for his relationship with multiple girls simultaneously. A few girls were looking for physical satisfaction from him. No attachment, no emotional baggage. He seems had specialised in this field. A few jealous girls contemplated me against Prem, they baited my virginity. I was not aware of these. On one rainy day afternoon, he kissed me in a deserted corner catching me in surprise. I was taken aback by his boldness. Immediately, he apologized. I could complain against Prem. By complaining, I would not gain anything. Prem would be free with some reprimand. Similar incidents already happened in the college. The concerned girl will be taunted not only by the boys but also by the girls. Making it public only would defame me. Gossip would start. Someday, it would reach to my house. I allowed the incident to die. Back in home, I was excited thinking about the incident. This was first time, some male kissed me. It was not consensual but enough to ignite my virtual world of fantasy. Even though it was forced, I started liking it. My fantasy blossomed.
For over a month, Prem was not visible. I had no idea whether he was attending college or not. I almost forgot the incidents, when one late afternoon he resurfaced, apologized again and offered me a coffee. I accepted. We had discussion over coffee on various topics including his sudden disappearance. He explained about his hobby of photography and reasoned the same for his sudden disappearance. His depth of knowledge on any subject was limited. He camouflaged his weakness with vivid presentation. He knew the art of keeping a woman happy in humorous company. Kissing episode did not figure in our discussion. He did not show any intention of touching me. These coffee sessions repeated over and over. I was getting confidence in his company. When he asked for my company for his local photographic tours, I found it interesting. I accepted. Mostly, on Sundays and college holidays, we were travelling length and breadth of Mumbai. I excused myself in home pretending of project works. One Sunday, we visited Gorai beach in north Mumbai. It was very lonely and only very few couples were visible, mostly college going students. He took my hand in his while we were seated on hide of a big boulder at sea shore. He put his hand around my shoulder and pulled me towards him. The close proximity of a strong man, his masculinity, a toxic scent of his body odour mixed with my perfume, the open sky above head and the roaring sound of sea water breaking on stones had mystic effect on my mind. I had no idea when he started kissing and fondling me. I gained sense only when his hand reached under my top, he was trying to free my breast. My meek protest was blown away similar to the air around us. Ultimately, we ended up in Prem sucking my breast and I touching his manhood. Both were first time for me. He profoundly praised my breast and specially the nipples. His circumcised thick and big manhood was throbbing in my hand. Back in-home laying in my bed alone, I got terrified to myself. I knew a new chapter had started in my life, realisation of my virtual fantasy world. This was no more fantasy but naked truth. Somebody had touched me, fondled my breast. He had praised them while sucking. One side I had guilty consciousness and fear. The other side I was excited. I was afraid of being discovered by my family. Consequences were not unknown to me. I could realise a vast door was opening to take me inside of an unknown room. I was on the threshold of experimenting with my sexuality. My fantasy would be reality. A small courage would take me to the world till unknown to me. The excitement was more powerful to suppress my guilty consciousness and fear.
Upgrading to next level did not take much time. Once my initial inhibition was over, there was no stopping. Prem had connection with one photographic studio with facilities of film development and processing. It had one dressing room also. Regularly, we started meeting there. On every meeting, we were discovering each other’s body. To discover our sexuality, we were meeting regularly in the studio. My boldness improved on every meet. After a few meetings, I allowed Prem to disrobe me completely. First time a man undressed me! First time a man praised my naked beauty! Prem fondling & touching me everywhere and my hand blowing him was essential part of our meetings. The magnificent view and feeling of his throbbing penis ejaculating in my hand for the first time was marvellous. I started giving him regular hand jobs. He could orgasm me just by rubbing my clitoris. On his insistence I started shaving my pubs. He fantasized seeing me hairless from top to bottom. I obliged in sheer excitement of discovering myself through his eyes. I started enjoying his passionate appreciation of my assets. Prem was passionate for fellatio. I had to disappoint him as I disliked it from my heart. I cautioned him never to force me. He promised not to force me into blowjob. I had no mental attachment with him. I was enjoying the attention and physical intimacy I was getting from him. My fantasy had turned into reality.
He photographed me with different type of western dresses. Some were revealing. I had grown fascination over western dresses during my college days in Nasik. Experimenting with revealing dresses was not at issue. I was not comfortable with the photography part. He promised me secrecy and was ready to delete on demand. He actually destroyed many snaps on my objections.Digital camera was not famous and costly at that time. He was using film based camera. He destroyed the films also on my objections. I gained confidence on his promise. I allowed him to keep what I judged to be sober. I assured myself of no threat in my future life. Our meetings continued with physical exploration. On one such meet I lost my virginity. It happened suddenly. I was not mentally prepared. Prem transformed me into a woman. I bled and forced Prem to stop.
Experience of first intercourse was shocking and painful. I had knowledge of hymen breaking, bleeding and pain. It took some time to overcome the bleeding and the pain. After a week period Prem penetrated me again in missionary style. He was huge and I did not enjoy. His every thrust was causing me pain. I had to force him to abandon. I relieved him by hand. I was frightened of my short comings. Earlier I did mention about Prem’s acceptance within girls’ circle. He was famous for his well endowment. Particularly, one girl regularly slept with him told me that sex with him was intoxicating and irresistible. Contrary to her claim, I did not enjoy sex with him. I presumed it to be my shortcomings and thought of giving it one more try.We had penetrative sex again in new position. He entered me from back in doggy position. Though, it was more painful, I wanted to last. I was looking for my enjoyment. He came inside me. The enjoyment did not come, though the sensation of throbbing manhood ejaculating deep inside me was exciting.
My experimentation with sex was over. I wanted to stop. I had no mental attachment with Prem. I could easily gain control over my physical needs. Next time we met, Prem was interested in penetrative sex, I made my decision clear to Prem. Without any inhibition, I informed him about my decision of ending my physical relationship with him.He wanted a release for last time. I offered my hands to help him. He had plan otherwise. He was interested in blowjob. I objected. He was forcing me. I slapped him across. Prem came back to his senses. He was apologetic. Over and over again he was asking for forgiveness. I softened but there was no question of continuing relationship. Prem also did not pester on this. That was the last time I met him in privacy till I met him in Bangalore to ruin my life.
I had already mentioned about my weakness on western clothes. I was weak on fashion front also. I used to experiment with different jewellery. A few senior girls used to flaunt their belly adorned with ring. I liked them so much that, in first year itself, I got my naval pierced with my mother’s permission. I selected a pendant containing two dangling letters A.A synonym with the initials of my parents. Though it was expensive, my mother did not object. First time Prem discovered it on my belly, he was ecstatic. Prem always considered it as souvenir.Only very recently I realised the reason.It never occurred in my mind that my belly ring pendant also symbolised as initials of his name Amir Ali. A mere coincidence had future impact on my life. Anyway, I continued using it till my marriage and then after I preserved it in my personal collection.I never anticipated this innocuous pendant would haunt me again.
My remaining college days were uneventful till farewell party. I never met Prem alone anywhere. He remained busy with photography and obviously with his other girlfriends. I concentrated on my studies. I was happy on my will power. I never felt any desire for sex anymore. Delusion and fantasy over sex never disturbed me again. I could concentrate on all other activities in better way. I had overcome of my obsession. The awful, hostile phase of my life was over. I could not get back my virginity, but I could regain my composure and peace of my life. I was confident, I was happy.
Yearly three events were very important in our college. One was annual college fest. The other two were welcome event in the beginning of session and the farewell event at the end of academic session. In welcome event, second year students were involved to welcome the fresher’s after completion of ragging period. It was marked with the end of formal ragging. The farewell event marked the end of academic event of forth years and was sole contribution of third years. A particular incident in this farewell event subsequently had far reaching impact in my life. I had never imagined; such a harmless incident could have such great impact in my life. Everything passed off smoothly in the farewell event. Distinguished guests and teachers had departed. Most of the students also vacated the college campus. We were gossiping in last minute jolt where a few third and fourth year students were present. Prem was also present in the group. Gossip turned into a jovial discussion on who had kissed maximum no opposite sex. Prem claimed the title. He was challenged to demonstrate. He casually kissed three girls present over there and progressed towards me. I objected his intention and asked him to keep distant. He did not listen and progressed further. I cautioned him again and when found him not relenting, I slapped him. He stopped and retarded. All students present laughed on his cringe worthy condition. Jokingly, they called him coward. They started pulling his leg asking details for his other experiences of being slapped. I also joined with them. Prem vacated the scene silently. Shortly after, we called it a day. The incident wiped off of my memory until I was reminded again and paid heave price for it.
Another incident deserves importance worth mentioning here. Along with souvenir, this particular incident had far reaching impact on my life, though I was not involved directly.
Rachana was in final year with me. She was engaged through an arranged marriage to a guy named Vipul Kulkarni. I had met him after their engagement. Nice guy, but seemed very insecure and immature.In our final year time, Rachna got involved for some time, with Prem. Three weeks before her wedding, Rachna decided to go visit Goa for the weekend, with Prem. Rachna obviously hadn't disclosed about it to Vipul, but he snooped around, and found out that she had gone to Goa. He followed her there.He tracked her down to the hotel she was staying in with Prem. He confronted her in the room, when she was there, with Prem. The confrontation soon turned ugly. Vipul called her names. He called Prem names. Then, it seems, when Prem tried to get him to calm down, he punched Prem on his nose. Prem didn't take that kind of stuff lying down. He was a strong, proud man.He overpowered Vipul, and pinned him on the floor. He then asked Rachna to leave. When, Rachna came back after a while, Vipul was leaving the room, clutching his groin, and yelping in pain. She didn't ask Vipul what had happened then. It was clear that Prem had thrashed Vipul left & right. She was sure by then, that the wedding would get cancelled anyway. She was kind of resigned to it, from the fact that this ugly confrontation had happened. She continued her weekend stay at Goa. She got back and the preparations for the wedding were continuing normally. But she got no phone calls from Vipul. She knew something was up, and decided to talk to Vipul, and cancel the wedding on her own. She called Vipul and set up a meeting. Vipul seemed like a changed man. He begged her forgiveness for following her to Goa without her knowledge, and requested her not to cancel the wedding. Marriage was performed on scheduled date. Rachna had trouble with Vipul after they got married. She got Vipul to confess that after that one-on-one confrontation with Prem, he never managed to get his erection. They did go to the doctors, but the doctors couldn't do anything. Rachna stayed married to Vipul, knowing very well, he was impotent.She could never come out of her guilty feelings. She considered it as punishment for injustice. It intrigued me always with the question of why Rachana went to Goa with Prem just three weeks prior to wedding.
I got my engineering degree and took up a job in local. My father did not object my working. He was in favour of women’s liberty. In office and outside, I was enjoying the scanner of hungry men’s eyes. I was habituated in men’s attention since my college days. Unwanted graze of public was never a disturbing factor for me anymore. I could successfully suspend a lot of marriage alliances on pretext of too early for marriage. At the age of 24, I relented and got married to Manu Sharma aged 28 years; he was only child to his parents from Delhi. He was well educated and working in US. Before marriage we had some courtship. From his behaviour it was evident that he was novice about women. His simplicity won my heart. Though I was excited to have a virgin man as husband, I was scared and morsel not being able to preserve my virginity. I was cheating a genuine man. I got tempted to inform him, but he never raised the issue. It was not sober for a girl to raise the issue voluntarily. When he accepted my terms of sharing property and money in joint name, I got flattened. I was overwhelmed. I fell in love before marriage.My in-laws were also very accommodating and loving.Their only expectations from me were to keep their son happy and bless them with grandchildren.
It was only during honeymoon, I discovered biggest jolt of my life. He failed repeatedly in bed to perform. Contrary to Vipul, he was not impotent. His staying power was limited. Even with elapsed time, there was no improvement. Even, I could not get pregnant. I blamed my fate; I blamed my prenuptial adultery as cause of my diabolical state. I considered it as punishment of God. Except performance in bed, I had nothing to blame him. He was caring and loving. He had no bad habits. I could witness and savour all the good qualities in him. Even my parents were all praise of him. My parents believed him more than me. His bed performance did not deter me loving him. I could feel his anxiety, fear and discomfiture. I made my first mistake of not consulting professionals. I thought it would be embarrassing for him. I did not like to humiliate him. I remembered Rachana. Manu was better than Vipul. If Rachana can cope up, why can’t I? The question of divorce never came to my mind.
In the beginning I had sympathy on his predicament. Slowly I found him more as my child than my husband. He was entirely dependent on me on everything. Even, he never took a medicine of his own. I had to decide everything on his part. Sometimes I used to think on how he managed his years in US all alone? All of his emotional outbursts revolved around me. He was hopelessly dependent on me practically on everything. His world was revolving around me. My decisions were his decisions. I don’t remember him objecting my wish anytime. When my sympathy and his dependency turned into deep love I don’t know. I hopelessly loved my husband.
It was not like that I had become nun.The comparison of well-endowed men with my husband always figured in my subconscious mind whenever we strolled in sea beaches. However, I could always successfully isolate it from my active mind. At times my physical needs would surpass my control. My husband was ready to release me by hand while we stayed in US and later by mouth in our stay in India. He could reach me orgasm by his mouth. He perfected cunnilingus. In return he asked for fellatio. Obviously, I rejected as I hated the very idea of taking manhood in mouth. My obsession on dirtiness of manhood remained strong. I never required sex toys to quench my desire. I always considered them as obscured and immoral. My libido was not very strong. Though, I was not satisfied with my sexual life, I never allowed my dissatisfaction to grow and dominate my consciousness.
My weakness on western clothes was always strong. During our stay in US, I had all the liberty to experiment. Some dresses were quite revealing. I could observe jealousness in Manu’s eyes seeing me in scanty dress and hunks feasting on me. It was not new to me. Since college days I was accustomed to male attention. I could read their mind through their eyes. I was not perturbed by male attentions though I used to enjoy. Even in Bangalore, my experience with most men remained same. Men’s are men when women are concerned. Back in India, I could not experiment much with western clothes. I resorted to experimenting wide range of sari-blouse combinations.
The growing insecurity of my husband was a major factor for my decision to shift back to India. The other factor was my loneliness. I could compare my situation with my childhood loneliness. The only difference was I was a child at that time and presently I was longing for a child. I had some liberty to ward off my loneliness. The culture in US was not favourable against loneliness. We finally decided to return. On my behest, we purchased a two bedroom flat in a decent apartment complex in outer suburbs of Bangalore. I had option to relocate nearby to Mumbai or Delhi. I avoided them altogether. I had no answer for their ever growing demand for grandchildren. As their pressures were surmounting, I was breaking internally.
The life in Bangalore was much different compared to US except my loneliness. I could see more couples with little children. My mother always said, “Don’t worry; you will get a lot of children.” It always created resonance in my mind. Added to my woes were constant pestering from my mother in law and specially my mother. On every week, she was vocal. Her every phone call invariably converged to only topic of grand children. During their visit to Bangalore, I was served ultimatum; it would be their last visit unless I decide otherwise. They could not be blamed. I had witnessed the life cycle of childless couples. Men are not blamed. It’s the women who bear the brunt of society. They are not allowed to attend any auspicious ceremony. For all practical purpose, these childless women are unwanted and untouchable. My mother was worried on my growing age. She always complained that at my age she was mother of a grown-up daughter. Towards end of year, she used to call me on only purpose of preaching. They thought I was delaying the motherhood on purpose.My mother-in-law adopted different methods to express her. I had to listen to her stories of her relatives who were blessed within two years of marriage. She was blaming to her fate, indirectly indicating my incapability. In few occasions, she called me as a barren woman.Our parents made me responsible on different grounds.The truth was lying with the incapability of my husband. My husband was incapable of making me pregnant. I could not tell the truth to break their heart. They loved Manu so much! I could not degrade him in their eyes. Adoption would not help. My desperation was increasing day by day. I was not able to find a solution.
Prem was never in my contact list. Since passing out of college to settling in Bangalore, for long six years we never contacted. When I received call from Prem after six months of settlement in Bangalore, I got surprised, but did not suspect any foul play. Slowly he became regular caller in the late afternoon on weekdays, particularly when I remained free and lonely. My husband would be busy in the office. We conversed on limited topics due to lack of his versatility.As time passed our discussion included our personal life. I took pride to state my husband’s profile and glimpse of our present status. He was still bachelor not financially strong and connected with a company on temporary basis which had head office at Bangalore. His passion for photography was his livelihood. Not a single word was shared on our intimate personal lives. He never crossed personal decency and I also. I casually invited him for a visit in our house during his official visit to Bangalore.
One day Prem requested for temporary accommodation for 3 – 4 months period to attend his short-term assignment. His request was a bit odd. He expressed his financial crunch and my place would be logistically helpful. Being first time in Bangalore, my facilitation would be a great help to him.Before confirmation I needed to discuss with my husband. Same day evening I got a call from my mother-in-law. I had to endure same topic, same nagging, same desperate feelings.
The evil plan grew in my mind. My husband’s despair was before my eyes. In spite of being an overall good person, his life was wretched just because of paucity in virility. The mere thinking of my childless life made me sick. It was not acceptable. I was also desperate on the prospect of being called as a barren woman without my fault. I could foresee Prem’s visit as God’s blessing. I was in fix to make a decision.Prem’s visit was favourable to tide over my crisis. I could oversee the prospect of getting pregnant by Prem without his knowledge. Sleeping with Prem on necessity was not a big issue. I had already committed that sin.I consoled myself that there was no much wrong in sleeping with him again a few times for a good cause. I had confidence of manipulating Prem without his knowledge to my requirement. Only obstacle was to convince my husband. Advance permission was ruled out.All of a sudden getting pregnant and informing was not feasible. Not only would he be shocked, but also the chances for a forced abortion were not ruled out.
Best way was to psychologically prepare him. First, I needed him to accept my relationship with Prem. My husband’s mental turmoil and guilt feelings were evident for his poor performance. Once he would be comfortable to my extramarital relations out of his physiological compulsions, I would get pregnant and make Prem move out of my house. In proper time I would break the news to my Parents and in laws. Rest would be automatic. It would be painful for my husband, but he would accept eventually; I assured myself. He would be forced to accept. He loved me a lot. The truth would be known only by two of us. His predicament also would not be exposed. I was happy with my resolutions. Prem’s proposal appeared to be God’s gift in my difficult period. I accepted Prem’s stay with condition of vacating on very short notice citing reasons of probable visit of my in-laws’.Prem accepted my condition.
I completed micro planning. I started taking pill from the first day of my period.
“So, you started taking pill of your own?” Jaya intervened.
“No, actually I had consulted a doctor. This was the second time I was taking pill. Doctor advised for combination hormone type pill. Timing of intake was not very strict for this particular type. I could take any time as per my convenience. I could start any day within seven days of starting period. Once started, it should be continued.”
“So, you hid the pill strips in your hand bag, so that Manu does not discover.”
“I should have done. I had made a blunder here. My husband had never taken any medicine of his own. Whenever required, I only administered him all medicines. He was totally dependent on me. I stacked all the pill strips in our medicine box kept in cabinet of the hall. I was directly consuming one per day from the location itself. It never came to mind to hide as I never doubted my husband would discover.”
“So, when did you suspect your husband was keeping eye on your contraceptives?”
“I suspected on Thursday, day after Prem moved in. I was habituated of completing all household chores by myself. As such any disturbances in array arrangement could draw my attention. I did observe some displacements of my pills on Thursday morning while consuming my daily dose. I suspected my husband. I condemned self for lapses on my planning. Once I was discovered by him resuming pills, there was no return back. I could not hide it any more from him to increase his suspicion. I did never suspect Prem’s involvement. Even in due course, I had direct proof of my husband inspecting the pills in regular intervals, when I and Prem were both out. Prem was never in my list of suspicion. Actually, Prem had replaced my pills with drugs on Wednesday, the very next day of his arrival without my knowledge. That day he had come from office just after lunch time. “
“OK, I see. Continue from your micro planning.”
I planned to keep my husband sex starved while slowly increasing intimacy with Prem. Prem was a known womaniser and expected to grab the opportunity happily. My husband under psychological inferiority complex would accept my intimacy with Prem. I needed to take necessary care not to create suspicion in Prem’s mind.Contented with planning, I informed my husband 15 days prior to Prem’s visit. Prem would be staying for 4 to 5 months, I informed. My husband complained about privacy. I swiped off his concern stating that his noodle did not require privacy. He was embarrassed. His growing insecurity and jealousy were evident from his behaviour. He pondered my year books. I utilised the opportunity to add more fuel to his insecurity by acting unhappiness on his behaviour.To pacify me, he brought jasmine flower gajra which I preserved for next day. His behaviour was a clear indication of effectiveness of my planning. I was sure of reaching my target.
*****
Kavita
Originally, we were hailing from a place very near to Nasik. It was a small town with minimum facilities. My parents were from well off upper cast society and strictly vegetarian. They were rich but not above orthodox mentality. Since child hood I have seen them performing pujas very religiously. My father Aviram Joshi was a respectful person in the society. He valued cultural morality above personal needs. He valued education, especially women’s education. One side he talked about women’s liberty and on the other side physical and mental purity of women was equally important to him. Modernism and stagnation both simultaneously adorned his character. My mother Anita was shadow of my father. She always believed my father blindly and followed him irrespective of any outcome. Was she afraid of my father? I don’t know. What I knew that she loved him more than her life. His wishes were last words in her life. Her life revolved around my father.
I was only child of my parents. Since childhood I was pampered. My parents loved me a lot but never allowed me indulging in any kind of activities jeopardizing societal moral values. I was encouraged to perform pujas and spiritual activities. I was educated on moral values of a woman and preserve virtues of a good woman. The do’s and don’ts were well defined in my life.
I had a very lonely childhood. We were only three. Very seldom, I had opportunity to play around. The school was better. I could play with other girls. House was like a jail. Not that my parents did not take care of me. There were no dearth of love & care from my parents. I was missing the company of my age group. I used to make complains to my mother for siblings. My mother always solaced me saying, “God has decided against it. We can’t change his decision. Whatever he does is for our betterment. But don’t worry; you will get a lot of children.” Since then, I dreamed off a lot of children of my own. The truth revealed, only when I was in college during my intermediate course. My mother had to abort her 2nd issue at very advanced stage due to medical complications. It was a boy. She was advised against further pregnancy due to acute anaemia.My apparently happy mother was not happy in her mind. She still remembered her unborn child. “If he had been alive, he would have finished school.” She would tell me very often. She confided me of her feelings. For her it was like a murder. She was always remorseful of killing an innocent life. I started hating abortion. If I could delete the word from human life, I thought!
The puberty brought a lot of changes in me. I was told about monthly impurity. At this stage I know, it is a must biological process of every woman’s life and there is nothing impure in it. But it is difficult to forgo the practices implanted in your mind so easily. Even today, some restrictions have their traces in my mind and some of the restrictions I still follow without any proper logical resolves. The restrictions on my activities increased during my periods. I was being treated as untouchable during those days. There were sudden changes in my physical appearances. My breasts started to grow. Pubic hairs started appearing.I felt a growing insecurity over my body. I felt a strong desire to hide me from myself and all others. Even today, period is a taboo word for me in my subconscious mind.
Even before attaining puberty, I was cut off from boys. I was discouraged to speak to male members outside of my family. My schooling started in girl’s school. Then higher secondary education continued in a women’s college. A few girls used to come to college in western dress. Nasik was developing at rapid space. Western culture especially on fashion front was spreading under direct influence from Mumbai. My dress was mostly sari and for a few occasions shalwar kameez. I grew fondness in western dress, though it was beyond my reach. I wanted to experiment. I knew, my father will never allow. It’s only increased my frustration. I started blaming my fate, my upbringing culture.
There was no chance for me to mingle with boys. I developed some kind of attraction towards opposite sex. The girls of my age were involved in gossiping about their boyfriends. I used to listen and get excited. They discussed everything. Kissing and fondling were very common. Many a time they discussed about hand job and blowjob also. The vivid description of sexual intimacy was intensifying in my mind. I started visualising me in their place. The illusions made me more excited. Very often, I used to immerse into virtual world. I used to spend hours imagining my unknown boyfriend kissing me, fondling my breast or sucking me. I never imagined about blowjob. I hated the concept from very beginning. I always considered it sick and wired. Even mere thought of taking male organ in mouth used to create vomiting sensation. I had no clear idea about male organ. I had never seen them in reality except in prints. My knowledge was limited to biology class book. It was the member of males for dual purpose, for pissing and intercourse. Yes, the meaning and purpose of intercourse was known, courtesy to my matured friends in the college. Towards end of my intermediate education, I had chance to look at colour prints of male organ.
I was better in studies. I performed better in higher secondary and secured a place in one of the prestigious engineering college in Mumbai. Hostel should have been the first choice. My father opined differently. He relocated himself to suburb of Mumbai near to my college. My engineering college life started. My condition was like setting into vast sea from well. Everywhere, there was freedom. Boys were not from another world. They were entity of the same class and sometimes from same bench. The western dresses were no more out of bounds. Permission was granted for jeans and T-shirts with some restrictions. My father had no option but to extend this small liberty. His society had changed. No longer he could behave like a pun and restrict me in primitivism. His changes were in his outer shell. My father was same as earlier when considered about moral values within boundaries of our house. I had to restrict myself in sari-blouse inside house.
My world changed. Distinctly there were two opposite phases, total freedom in college and partial restriction in house. I had to maintain tranquillity in house, though some shadow of college life always induced. My transformation was quite visible. I was learning life at quite greater pace. I was keen to acquire my lost world. My figure was attractive and my face had an appealing beauty. Within a very short period, I was able to draw attention of opposite sexes. No of my boyfriends surpassed girlfriends. The girls were jealous. Many of them resorted to revealing dresses to win over boys’ attractions. My boyfriends comprised all types. Some were romantic. Some were materialistic. I had temptations to experiment my sexuality. A growing desire to fulfil untouched virtual dream occasionally engulfed my mind. I had my limitations. I could suppress my feelings. Slowly I could win over my obsession. Some of the girls lost their virginity by end of second year. I was confident to preserve for my future husband. I maintained a purposeful physical distance from all of my boyfriends. Many tried to seduce me. Successfully, I could thwart off their plans.
In the middle of my third year, I was swept by a storm called Prem. He was one-year junior to me in college. His full name was Amir Ali. He was famous in friend circle by Prem for his relationship with multiple girls simultaneously. A few girls were looking for physical satisfaction from him. No attachment, no emotional baggage. He seems had specialised in this field. A few jealous girls contemplated me against Prem, they baited my virginity. I was not aware of these. On one rainy day afternoon, he kissed me in a deserted corner catching me in surprise. I was taken aback by his boldness. Immediately, he apologized. I could complain against Prem. By complaining, I would not gain anything. Prem would be free with some reprimand. Similar incidents already happened in the college. The concerned girl will be taunted not only by the boys but also by the girls. Making it public only would defame me. Gossip would start. Someday, it would reach to my house. I allowed the incident to die. Back in home, I was excited thinking about the incident. This was first time, some male kissed me. It was not consensual but enough to ignite my virtual world of fantasy. Even though it was forced, I started liking it. My fantasy blossomed.
For over a month, Prem was not visible. I had no idea whether he was attending college or not. I almost forgot the incidents, when one late afternoon he resurfaced, apologized again and offered me a coffee. I accepted. We had discussion over coffee on various topics including his sudden disappearance. He explained about his hobby of photography and reasoned the same for his sudden disappearance. His depth of knowledge on any subject was limited. He camouflaged his weakness with vivid presentation. He knew the art of keeping a woman happy in humorous company. Kissing episode did not figure in our discussion. He did not show any intention of touching me. These coffee sessions repeated over and over. I was getting confidence in his company. When he asked for my company for his local photographic tours, I found it interesting. I accepted. Mostly, on Sundays and college holidays, we were travelling length and breadth of Mumbai. I excused myself in home pretending of project works. One Sunday, we visited Gorai beach in north Mumbai. It was very lonely and only very few couples were visible, mostly college going students. He took my hand in his while we were seated on hide of a big boulder at sea shore. He put his hand around my shoulder and pulled me towards him. The close proximity of a strong man, his masculinity, a toxic scent of his body odour mixed with my perfume, the open sky above head and the roaring sound of sea water breaking on stones had mystic effect on my mind. I had no idea when he started kissing and fondling me. I gained sense only when his hand reached under my top, he was trying to free my breast. My meek protest was blown away similar to the air around us. Ultimately, we ended up in Prem sucking my breast and I touching his manhood. Both were first time for me. He profoundly praised my breast and specially the nipples. His circumcised thick and big manhood was throbbing in my hand. Back in-home laying in my bed alone, I got terrified to myself. I knew a new chapter had started in my life, realisation of my virtual fantasy world. This was no more fantasy but naked truth. Somebody had touched me, fondled my breast. He had praised them while sucking. One side I had guilty consciousness and fear. The other side I was excited. I was afraid of being discovered by my family. Consequences were not unknown to me. I could realise a vast door was opening to take me inside of an unknown room. I was on the threshold of experimenting with my sexuality. My fantasy would be reality. A small courage would take me to the world till unknown to me. The excitement was more powerful to suppress my guilty consciousness and fear.
Upgrading to next level did not take much time. Once my initial inhibition was over, there was no stopping. Prem had connection with one photographic studio with facilities of film development and processing. It had one dressing room also. Regularly, we started meeting there. On every meeting, we were discovering each other’s body. To discover our sexuality, we were meeting regularly in the studio. My boldness improved on every meet. After a few meetings, I allowed Prem to disrobe me completely. First time a man undressed me! First time a man praised my naked beauty! Prem fondling & touching me everywhere and my hand blowing him was essential part of our meetings. The magnificent view and feeling of his throbbing penis ejaculating in my hand for the first time was marvellous. I started giving him regular hand jobs. He could orgasm me just by rubbing my clitoris. On his insistence I started shaving my pubs. He fantasized seeing me hairless from top to bottom. I obliged in sheer excitement of discovering myself through his eyes. I started enjoying his passionate appreciation of my assets. Prem was passionate for fellatio. I had to disappoint him as I disliked it from my heart. I cautioned him never to force me. He promised not to force me into blowjob. I had no mental attachment with him. I was enjoying the attention and physical intimacy I was getting from him. My fantasy had turned into reality.
He photographed me with different type of western dresses. Some were revealing. I had grown fascination over western dresses during my college days in Nasik. Experimenting with revealing dresses was not at issue. I was not comfortable with the photography part. He promised me secrecy and was ready to delete on demand. He actually destroyed many snaps on my objections.Digital camera was not famous and costly at that time. He was using film based camera. He destroyed the films also on my objections. I gained confidence on his promise. I allowed him to keep what I judged to be sober. I assured myself of no threat in my future life. Our meetings continued with physical exploration. On one such meet I lost my virginity. It happened suddenly. I was not mentally prepared. Prem transformed me into a woman. I bled and forced Prem to stop.
Experience of first intercourse was shocking and painful. I had knowledge of hymen breaking, bleeding and pain. It took some time to overcome the bleeding and the pain. After a week period Prem penetrated me again in missionary style. He was huge and I did not enjoy. His every thrust was causing me pain. I had to force him to abandon. I relieved him by hand. I was frightened of my short comings. Earlier I did mention about Prem’s acceptance within girls’ circle. He was famous for his well endowment. Particularly, one girl regularly slept with him told me that sex with him was intoxicating and irresistible. Contrary to her claim, I did not enjoy sex with him. I presumed it to be my shortcomings and thought of giving it one more try.We had penetrative sex again in new position. He entered me from back in doggy position. Though, it was more painful, I wanted to last. I was looking for my enjoyment. He came inside me. The enjoyment did not come, though the sensation of throbbing manhood ejaculating deep inside me was exciting.
My experimentation with sex was over. I wanted to stop. I had no mental attachment with Prem. I could easily gain control over my physical needs. Next time we met, Prem was interested in penetrative sex, I made my decision clear to Prem. Without any inhibition, I informed him about my decision of ending my physical relationship with him.He wanted a release for last time. I offered my hands to help him. He had plan otherwise. He was interested in blowjob. I objected. He was forcing me. I slapped him across. Prem came back to his senses. He was apologetic. Over and over again he was asking for forgiveness. I softened but there was no question of continuing relationship. Prem also did not pester on this. That was the last time I met him in privacy till I met him in Bangalore to ruin my life.
I had already mentioned about my weakness on western clothes. I was weak on fashion front also. I used to experiment with different jewellery. A few senior girls used to flaunt their belly adorned with ring. I liked them so much that, in first year itself, I got my naval pierced with my mother’s permission. I selected a pendant containing two dangling letters A.A synonym with the initials of my parents. Though it was expensive, my mother did not object. First time Prem discovered it on my belly, he was ecstatic. Prem always considered it as souvenir.Only very recently I realised the reason.It never occurred in my mind that my belly ring pendant also symbolised as initials of his name Amir Ali. A mere coincidence had future impact on my life. Anyway, I continued using it till my marriage and then after I preserved it in my personal collection.I never anticipated this innocuous pendant would haunt me again.
My remaining college days were uneventful till farewell party. I never met Prem alone anywhere. He remained busy with photography and obviously with his other girlfriends. I concentrated on my studies. I was happy on my will power. I never felt any desire for sex anymore. Delusion and fantasy over sex never disturbed me again. I could concentrate on all other activities in better way. I had overcome of my obsession. The awful, hostile phase of my life was over. I could not get back my virginity, but I could regain my composure and peace of my life. I was confident, I was happy.
Yearly three events were very important in our college. One was annual college fest. The other two were welcome event in the beginning of session and the farewell event at the end of academic session. In welcome event, second year students were involved to welcome the fresher’s after completion of ragging period. It was marked with the end of formal ragging. The farewell event marked the end of academic event of forth years and was sole contribution of third years. A particular incident in this farewell event subsequently had far reaching impact in my life. I had never imagined; such a harmless incident could have such great impact in my life. Everything passed off smoothly in the farewell event. Distinguished guests and teachers had departed. Most of the students also vacated the college campus. We were gossiping in last minute jolt where a few third and fourth year students were present. Prem was also present in the group. Gossip turned into a jovial discussion on who had kissed maximum no opposite sex. Prem claimed the title. He was challenged to demonstrate. He casually kissed three girls present over there and progressed towards me. I objected his intention and asked him to keep distant. He did not listen and progressed further. I cautioned him again and when found him not relenting, I slapped him. He stopped and retarded. All students present laughed on his cringe worthy condition. Jokingly, they called him coward. They started pulling his leg asking details for his other experiences of being slapped. I also joined with them. Prem vacated the scene silently. Shortly after, we called it a day. The incident wiped off of my memory until I was reminded again and paid heave price for it.
Another incident deserves importance worth mentioning here. Along with souvenir, this particular incident had far reaching impact on my life, though I was not involved directly.
Rachana was in final year with me. She was engaged through an arranged marriage to a guy named Vipul Kulkarni. I had met him after their engagement. Nice guy, but seemed very insecure and immature.In our final year time, Rachna got involved for some time, with Prem. Three weeks before her wedding, Rachna decided to go visit Goa for the weekend, with Prem. Rachna obviously hadn't disclosed about it to Vipul, but he snooped around, and found out that she had gone to Goa. He followed her there.He tracked her down to the hotel she was staying in with Prem. He confronted her in the room, when she was there, with Prem. The confrontation soon turned ugly. Vipul called her names. He called Prem names. Then, it seems, when Prem tried to get him to calm down, he punched Prem on his nose. Prem didn't take that kind of stuff lying down. He was a strong, proud man.He overpowered Vipul, and pinned him on the floor. He then asked Rachna to leave. When, Rachna came back after a while, Vipul was leaving the room, clutching his groin, and yelping in pain. She didn't ask Vipul what had happened then. It was clear that Prem had thrashed Vipul left & right. She was sure by then, that the wedding would get cancelled anyway. She was kind of resigned to it, from the fact that this ugly confrontation had happened. She continued her weekend stay at Goa. She got back and the preparations for the wedding were continuing normally. But she got no phone calls from Vipul. She knew something was up, and decided to talk to Vipul, and cancel the wedding on her own. She called Vipul and set up a meeting. Vipul seemed like a changed man. He begged her forgiveness for following her to Goa without her knowledge, and requested her not to cancel the wedding. Marriage was performed on scheduled date. Rachna had trouble with Vipul after they got married. She got Vipul to confess that after that one-on-one confrontation with Prem, he never managed to get his erection. They did go to the doctors, but the doctors couldn't do anything. Rachna stayed married to Vipul, knowing very well, he was impotent.She could never come out of her guilty feelings. She considered it as punishment for injustice. It intrigued me always with the question of why Rachana went to Goa with Prem just three weeks prior to wedding.
I got my engineering degree and took up a job in local. My father did not object my working. He was in favour of women’s liberty. In office and outside, I was enjoying the scanner of hungry men’s eyes. I was habituated in men’s attention since my college days. Unwanted graze of public was never a disturbing factor for me anymore. I could successfully suspend a lot of marriage alliances on pretext of too early for marriage. At the age of 24, I relented and got married to Manu Sharma aged 28 years; he was only child to his parents from Delhi. He was well educated and working in US. Before marriage we had some courtship. From his behaviour it was evident that he was novice about women. His simplicity won my heart. Though I was excited to have a virgin man as husband, I was scared and morsel not being able to preserve my virginity. I was cheating a genuine man. I got tempted to inform him, but he never raised the issue. It was not sober for a girl to raise the issue voluntarily. When he accepted my terms of sharing property and money in joint name, I got flattened. I was overwhelmed. I fell in love before marriage.My in-laws were also very accommodating and loving.Their only expectations from me were to keep their son happy and bless them with grandchildren.
It was only during honeymoon, I discovered biggest jolt of my life. He failed repeatedly in bed to perform. Contrary to Vipul, he was not impotent. His staying power was limited. Even with elapsed time, there was no improvement. Even, I could not get pregnant. I blamed my fate; I blamed my prenuptial adultery as cause of my diabolical state. I considered it as punishment of God. Except performance in bed, I had nothing to blame him. He was caring and loving. He had no bad habits. I could witness and savour all the good qualities in him. Even my parents were all praise of him. My parents believed him more than me. His bed performance did not deter me loving him. I could feel his anxiety, fear and discomfiture. I made my first mistake of not consulting professionals. I thought it would be embarrassing for him. I did not like to humiliate him. I remembered Rachana. Manu was better than Vipul. If Rachana can cope up, why can’t I? The question of divorce never came to my mind.
In the beginning I had sympathy on his predicament. Slowly I found him more as my child than my husband. He was entirely dependent on me on everything. Even, he never took a medicine of his own. I had to decide everything on his part. Sometimes I used to think on how he managed his years in US all alone? All of his emotional outbursts revolved around me. He was hopelessly dependent on me practically on everything. His world was revolving around me. My decisions were his decisions. I don’t remember him objecting my wish anytime. When my sympathy and his dependency turned into deep love I don’t know. I hopelessly loved my husband.
It was not like that I had become nun.The comparison of well-endowed men with my husband always figured in my subconscious mind whenever we strolled in sea beaches. However, I could always successfully isolate it from my active mind. At times my physical needs would surpass my control. My husband was ready to release me by hand while we stayed in US and later by mouth in our stay in India. He could reach me orgasm by his mouth. He perfected cunnilingus. In return he asked for fellatio. Obviously, I rejected as I hated the very idea of taking manhood in mouth. My obsession on dirtiness of manhood remained strong. I never required sex toys to quench my desire. I always considered them as obscured and immoral. My libido was not very strong. Though, I was not satisfied with my sexual life, I never allowed my dissatisfaction to grow and dominate my consciousness.
My weakness on western clothes was always strong. During our stay in US, I had all the liberty to experiment. Some dresses were quite revealing. I could observe jealousness in Manu’s eyes seeing me in scanty dress and hunks feasting on me. It was not new to me. Since college days I was accustomed to male attention. I could read their mind through their eyes. I was not perturbed by male attentions though I used to enjoy. Even in Bangalore, my experience with most men remained same. Men’s are men when women are concerned. Back in India, I could not experiment much with western clothes. I resorted to experimenting wide range of sari-blouse combinations.
The growing insecurity of my husband was a major factor for my decision to shift back to India. The other factor was my loneliness. I could compare my situation with my childhood loneliness. The only difference was I was a child at that time and presently I was longing for a child. I had some liberty to ward off my loneliness. The culture in US was not favourable against loneliness. We finally decided to return. On my behest, we purchased a two bedroom flat in a decent apartment complex in outer suburbs of Bangalore. I had option to relocate nearby to Mumbai or Delhi. I avoided them altogether. I had no answer for their ever growing demand for grandchildren. As their pressures were surmounting, I was breaking internally.
The life in Bangalore was much different compared to US except my loneliness. I could see more couples with little children. My mother always said, “Don’t worry; you will get a lot of children.” It always created resonance in my mind. Added to my woes were constant pestering from my mother in law and specially my mother. On every week, she was vocal. Her every phone call invariably converged to only topic of grand children. During their visit to Bangalore, I was served ultimatum; it would be their last visit unless I decide otherwise. They could not be blamed. I had witnessed the life cycle of childless couples. Men are not blamed. It’s the women who bear the brunt of society. They are not allowed to attend any auspicious ceremony. For all practical purpose, these childless women are unwanted and untouchable. My mother was worried on my growing age. She always complained that at my age she was mother of a grown-up daughter. Towards end of year, she used to call me on only purpose of preaching. They thought I was delaying the motherhood on purpose.My mother-in-law adopted different methods to express her. I had to listen to her stories of her relatives who were blessed within two years of marriage. She was blaming to her fate, indirectly indicating my incapability. In few occasions, she called me as a barren woman.Our parents made me responsible on different grounds.The truth was lying with the incapability of my husband. My husband was incapable of making me pregnant. I could not tell the truth to break their heart. They loved Manu so much! I could not degrade him in their eyes. Adoption would not help. My desperation was increasing day by day. I was not able to find a solution.
Prem was never in my contact list. Since passing out of college to settling in Bangalore, for long six years we never contacted. When I received call from Prem after six months of settlement in Bangalore, I got surprised, but did not suspect any foul play. Slowly he became regular caller in the late afternoon on weekdays, particularly when I remained free and lonely. My husband would be busy in the office. We conversed on limited topics due to lack of his versatility.As time passed our discussion included our personal life. I took pride to state my husband’s profile and glimpse of our present status. He was still bachelor not financially strong and connected with a company on temporary basis which had head office at Bangalore. His passion for photography was his livelihood. Not a single word was shared on our intimate personal lives. He never crossed personal decency and I also. I casually invited him for a visit in our house during his official visit to Bangalore.
One day Prem requested for temporary accommodation for 3 – 4 months period to attend his short-term assignment. His request was a bit odd. He expressed his financial crunch and my place would be logistically helpful. Being first time in Bangalore, my facilitation would be a great help to him.Before confirmation I needed to discuss with my husband. Same day evening I got a call from my mother-in-law. I had to endure same topic, same nagging, same desperate feelings.
The evil plan grew in my mind. My husband’s despair was before my eyes. In spite of being an overall good person, his life was wretched just because of paucity in virility. The mere thinking of my childless life made me sick. It was not acceptable. I was also desperate on the prospect of being called as a barren woman without my fault. I could foresee Prem’s visit as God’s blessing. I was in fix to make a decision.Prem’s visit was favourable to tide over my crisis. I could oversee the prospect of getting pregnant by Prem without his knowledge. Sleeping with Prem on necessity was not a big issue. I had already committed that sin.I consoled myself that there was no much wrong in sleeping with him again a few times for a good cause. I had confidence of manipulating Prem without his knowledge to my requirement. Only obstacle was to convince my husband. Advance permission was ruled out.All of a sudden getting pregnant and informing was not feasible. Not only would he be shocked, but also the chances for a forced abortion were not ruled out.
Best way was to psychologically prepare him. First, I needed him to accept my relationship with Prem. My husband’s mental turmoil and guilt feelings were evident for his poor performance. Once he would be comfortable to my extramarital relations out of his physiological compulsions, I would get pregnant and make Prem move out of my house. In proper time I would break the news to my Parents and in laws. Rest would be automatic. It would be painful for my husband, but he would accept eventually; I assured myself. He would be forced to accept. He loved me a lot. The truth would be known only by two of us. His predicament also would not be exposed. I was happy with my resolutions. Prem’s proposal appeared to be God’s gift in my difficult period. I accepted Prem’s stay with condition of vacating on very short notice citing reasons of probable visit of my in-laws’.Prem accepted my condition.
I completed micro planning. I started taking pill from the first day of my period.
“So, you started taking pill of your own?” Jaya intervened.
“No, actually I had consulted a doctor. This was the second time I was taking pill. Doctor advised for combination hormone type pill. Timing of intake was not very strict for this particular type. I could take any time as per my convenience. I could start any day within seven days of starting period. Once started, it should be continued.”
“So, you hid the pill strips in your hand bag, so that Manu does not discover.”
“I should have done. I had made a blunder here. My husband had never taken any medicine of his own. Whenever required, I only administered him all medicines. He was totally dependent on me. I stacked all the pill strips in our medicine box kept in cabinet of the hall. I was directly consuming one per day from the location itself. It never came to mind to hide as I never doubted my husband would discover.”
“So, when did you suspect your husband was keeping eye on your contraceptives?”
“I suspected on Thursday, day after Prem moved in. I was habituated of completing all household chores by myself. As such any disturbances in array arrangement could draw my attention. I did observe some displacements of my pills on Thursday morning while consuming my daily dose. I suspected my husband. I condemned self for lapses on my planning. Once I was discovered by him resuming pills, there was no return back. I could not hide it any more from him to increase his suspicion. I did never suspect Prem’s involvement. Even in due course, I had direct proof of my husband inspecting the pills in regular intervals, when I and Prem were both out. Prem was never in my list of suspicion. Actually, Prem had replaced my pills with drugs on Wednesday, the very next day of his arrival without my knowledge. That day he had come from office just after lunch time. “
“OK, I see. Continue from your micro planning.”
I planned to keep my husband sex starved while slowly increasing intimacy with Prem. Prem was a known womaniser and expected to grab the opportunity happily. My husband under psychological inferiority complex would accept my intimacy with Prem. I needed to take necessary care not to create suspicion in Prem’s mind.Contented with planning, I informed my husband 15 days prior to Prem’s visit. Prem would be staying for 4 to 5 months, I informed. My husband complained about privacy. I swiped off his concern stating that his noodle did not require privacy. He was embarrassed. His growing insecurity and jealousy were evident from his behaviour. He pondered my year books. I utilised the opportunity to add more fuel to his insecurity by acting unhappiness on his behaviour.To pacify me, he brought jasmine flower gajra which I preserved for next day. His behaviour was a clear indication of effectiveness of my planning. I was sure of reaching my target.
*****
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