25-11-2020, 06:22 AM
(This post was last modified: 25-11-2020, 06:26 AM by manasi. Edited 1 time in total. Edited 1 time in total.)
33.2
Kavita
After dinner Jaya came to my room with the purchases. She unpacked and displayed the panties on the bed. Each panty she unfolded, stretched at the bands a few times, appreciating colour and design. On each panty, she commented on how it would fit and look nice on him. On each panty, she pressed for my expert comment “Kavita, what do you say? This would be soft on his skin and look at the frills & design.” I heard her comment while she was feeling the smoothness of a particular panty with lacy frills and a rose printed on front portion. “See the location of the rose. He will look very pretty” She continued till the last panty was demonstrated.
“Kavita, please pack the gift nicely. I must courier it by tomorrow morning not to risk late delivery,” She smiled and closed the door behind.
I kept on looking at the panties. The past incidents were flashing in my memories. Since my arrival, she was reminding me of my horrendous acts. She had not taken up the name of my husband for a single time. Bur it was clear from her acts and behaviours that she was revolving around him. I could not sleep the whole night. The incidents of two and half months tormented me. In the early morning, I cut the panties into pieces and thrown into dustbin.
***
In the morning I did not go for breakfast. It was clear that she was not going to give me any information. She was taking revenge on behalf him. I decided to go back. When Jaya came to my room not finding me downstairs, I was ready to leave.
“What happened to you, Kavita? It appears, you haven’t slept the whole night.” There was real concern in her voice.
Seeing her, I lowered my face. “I know my unforgivable past. You are correct. I don’t deserve meeting my husband. You are a very good host. I will never forget your hospitality. As a good friend please allow me to leave. I know the very reason you are doing all these to me.” I blabbered controlling my tears.
Sarcastically she said, “Great Kavita! You already aware my secret mission?”
Jaya forcefully lifted my face putting her hand under my chin. She kept looking at my face for a long time then silently wiped my tears. The intensity of her look had the piercing effect. Through eyes, she was studying my mind. I closed my eyes in tiredness. I sensed her lips touched my forehead and next moment I was in her tight embrace. I could not hold more. I wept and wept. She did not console me. We both stood like stones in the same position except my occasional body shaking.
After a long when my tears subsided, Jaya spoke, “Don’t you want to see your husband happy? Don’t you want me to be happy with your husband? My happiness is connected with you. I want to decide before you depart. You are my friend. I need your guidance before taking a final call. I can’t permit you to go in this situation. A long journey is ahead of us. I need your cooperation. Please have breakfast.” She called Lakshmi to serve my breakfast at my room.
‘She is planning to get married with him in my presence. She is not going to spare me till her mission is completed. They are already husband and wife except for the official announcement. He loves Jaya. He despises me. He has already deserted me! I have only forced him to desert me!’ I silently wiped my tears.
On completion of breakfast, she gave me some tablets.
***
Rest of the day & night was uneventful except I took some more medicines and slept like a log. Next morning, over breakfast, Jaya smirked, “If you are not busy, can you do a favour? Can you help me writing a critical preview of a novel?”
I replied with weary smile, “I am very poor in literature. If my views can be of any help, I am ready to offer. You may find it stinking.”
“On the issue of Judgement over your capability, you can safely leave it on my good senses.” She disappeared briefly only to come back with a book in her hand. “This is a very famous book ‘Venus in furs’ written by 19th century German novelist, Leopold von Sacher-Masoch.”
“The synopsis of the novel is as this.
The framing story concerns a man who dreams of speaking to Venus about love while she wears furs. The unnamed narrator tells his dreams to a friend, Severin, who tells him how to break himself of his fascination with cruel women by reading a manuscript, Memoirs of a Supra-sensual Man.
This manuscript tells of a man, Severin von Kusiemski, who is so infatuated with a woman, Wanda von Dunajew, that he asks to be her slave, and encourages her to treat him in progressively more degrading ways. At first Wanda does not understand or accede to the request, but after humouring Severin a bit she finds the advantages of the method to be interesting and enthusiastically embraces the idea, although at the same time she disdains Severin for allowing her to do so.
Severin describes his feelings during these experiences as suprasensuality. Severin and Wanda travel to Florence. Along the way, Severin takes the generic Russian servant's name of "Gregor" and the role of Wanda's servant. In Florence, Wanda treats him brutally as a servant, and recruits a trio of African women to dominate him.
The relationship arrives at a crisis when Wanda meets a man to whom she would like to submit, a Byronic hero known as Alexis Papadopolis. At the end of the book, Severin, humiliated by Wanda's new lover, loses the desire to submit.
He says of Wanda:
That woman, as nature has created her, and man at present is educating her, is man's enemy. She can only be his slave or his despot, but never his companion. This she can become companion only when she has the same rights as he and is his equal in education and work.
It is believed Severin is none other than Leopold von Sacher-Masoch himself. Wanda was his wife Aurora von Rümelin. It is a sort of autobiography of Leopold. I want you to read it first till I finish my hospital duty.”
I moved to my room to open the book. After some initial pastime, my interest grew.
***
Over dinner, Jaya asked, “Do you support Wanda on her behaviour?”
Guardedly, I answered, “Wanda has been pictured by Leopold. Her behaviour may have been exaggerated. It’s not expected Leopold ported Wanda correctly. He may have imagined many things from his fantasy. In the absence of Wanda’s mindset, it may not be proper to judge her.” I paused and added critically, “If there is truth in Leopold’s description, I hate Wanda. She is so cruel. “
I observed appreciation in her eyes. Thoughtfully she inquired, “You say, Leopold could have twisted his own character to cover up his own faults at the same time tarnishing Wanda’s character. You are absolutely correct from normal human psychological point of view. So, Wanda’s version could help us to understand better and neutralising the one-sided description?”
“I think so.” I expressed my views sincerely.
Jaya was candid, “I agree with you fully. Kavita, you will be surprised to know, every story involving husband-wife has minimum 5 versions. “
“1st is the Husband’s version. While deliberating his views on the subject, he either magnifies or understates his emotions. It depends mainly on his motive to expose his wife or to cover up her. It’s very natural for any human. He can’t be blamed. Communication distortions are natural. ‘Venus in Furs’ is the initiation.
2nd is the Wife’s version. This is also similar to Husband’s version. She may hide or elaborate facts for purposes. Wanda’s views are available in “The Confessions of Wanda von Sacher-Masoch “.
The 3rd one is by the persons who are in close contact to husbands or / and wife. The painter or Alexis Papadopolis described in ‘Venus in Furs’ fall in this category. Here we have no access to their views.
The 4th category is the vast population of critiques deliberated their ideas clinically dissecting the characters. Their views are entirely based on the views of above three categories mixed with individuals personal experiences on the subject. This group can be divided into many sub groups. Say story tellers, novelists, amateurs, psychiatrists, social workers, philanthropist, astrologers etc. Everybody assumes that they are correct in their analysis without realising nobody is correct. They do not know what actually happened.
The last of the list is the actual story itself. It is primitive and pristine. Unfortunately, the husband and wife also do not know the story accurately, even though it is the story of their life.”
She continued, “We both fall in the same 4th category. The difference is, you analyse the story with your emotions. We so called professionals look for reasons. The way you feel pain we are also pained. The difference is, you suffer in pain while we find solutions within pain.”
Jaya fetched another book from her personal library “’The Confessions of Wanda Von Sacher-Masoch’. This is written by Aurora von Rümelin sometimes called as Wanda Von Sacher-Masoch, wife of Leopold von Sacher-Masoch. This may give you a clearer picture. Why don’t you read this book then? We will further discuss on the subject. I sincerely want you read some logical review of the critics. you will find plenty available in the net. Please make use of the computer available in your room.”
I went through the book. The views were completely different. The compelling situations Wanda had to pass through reminded me of my compulsions. Wanda was emotionally blackmailed by her husband to behave pervert way. I was compelled by society and coerced by Prem to perform near similar activities. The striking similarities put me in squabble.
***
Late evening after dinner Jaya accompanied me to my room. She asked probing, “Now, what’s your opinion about Wanda? Do you think Wanda was sadist? Was she getting pleasure by inflicting pain to Leopold? Or Leopold was masochist? Was he deriving sexual gratification from his own pain or humiliation?”
“Do you want to draw a similarity of me with Wanda and my husband with Leopold?” I did not hide my disappointment.
Jaya mocked my embarrassment, “When did I say so? You draw a quick conclusion to blame me, Kavita.” She amused, “It means you found some similarity. Otherwise, it would not have occurred in your mind. We will explore further on it. Presently, I want your true opinion on Wanda. Did this book help you to discover her better? Do you abhor her character now? Or, you still support her.”
I was caught on my thinking. She had cleverly manipulated me. I surrendered. Half-heartedly, I tried to defend Wanda, “I neither like nor hate her. I feel distressing. I can’t explain properly my emotion after reading both version of the story.” I added with compassion, “I think, they are victim of circumstances. Leopold’s wild fantasy backfired.”
Empathetically, Jaya smiled looking deep into my eyes, “I see. What made you compare yourself with Wanda?”
I lowered my face in anticipation. I whispered, “The emotional turmoil Wanda had gone through is similar to mine.”
In cold voice she expressed, “Should I then consider that, you enjoyed perverse pleasure torturing your husband physically and emotionally.”
I voiced with disagreement, “I did not.”
Jaya was nonchalant, “Then your husband must have Masochistic personality disorder. He was deriving pleasure by inflicting pain to himself, like Leopold was getting in ‘Venus in Furs’. I need to be more careful about him.”
I resigned to her argument, “He did not. You have spoken to my husband. You are emotionally attached to him. You know very well that he was forced to accept humiliation.”
Jaya argued, “That was his version. He was forced to accept humiliation till you shifted to your boyfriend. He was not bullied by your boyfriend since your shifting to him. Your husband continued accepting humiliation willingly, because he was enjoying. I am in real problem now.”
I objected, “No, he did not enjoy. He was forced.” I heisted then accepted, “I did force him.”
“You are lying to defend your husband. He did never tell me that you forced him. I am convinced now that he enjoyed self inflicted humiliation.”
“Believe me, I am not lying. He never enjoyed humiliation. He was forced to accept humiliation because of me.”
Her tone changed contemptuous, “I did not get you correctly. Why will a man accept humiliation willingly unless he suffers from Masochistic personality disorder? What was his motive? Can you clarify?”
Gently I replied, “Because,” I hesitated, “because he loved me.”
She spoke derisively, “So, you knew, your husband loved you. You knew that he was not getting any pleasure out of his humiliation and physical torture. Still you did not stop to torture him physically and emotionally. So, if your husband was not masochistic, then you must be sadist. Why do you want to meet your husband? After all you hate him.”
I protested in low voice, “You misunderstood me. I do not hate him. I never hated him. I love him?
She forced her opinion, “You are under infatuation of love. You are emotionally stressed not to accept the truth. you never loved him. The truth is, you derived pleasure out of pain inflicted on your husband. You are sadist.”
I pleaded, “I can’t explain. Trust me I love him.”
She did not budge. “Even if I accept your claim that you loved your husband, the question remained, why did you cheat him? You claimed that, he loved you and you loved him. Still you left him for your boyfriend. I am not convinced.”
She waited long for my reaction. I was in trap. I could not deny her logic. Finally, I explained, “I was coerced by Prem. He abused me with sexual drugs, blackmailed me in his favour. I was emotionally tortured.”
She laughed, “Again, you are placing new theory to prove your innocence! You can make very good stories.”
Straightway she refused to accept my words. I almost begged, “I am not making stories. Believe me; Prem had replaced my pills with sexual drugs. I had been medically diagnosed as sex addict. My medical report cannot be false.”
“Agree, your medical report is not false. Possibly, you accepted sexual drugs willingly to keep your boyfriend happy! You wanted to enhance your sexual stamina to match his.”
There was no way to prove my innocence. In utter hopelessness, I surrendered, “I can’t prove that I am telling truth. You believe what suits you best. Allow me to meet my husband once. I will never disturb you again, I promise.”
She Lamented, “You are creating stories to defend your crime. You have not justified your true concern to meet him. He has nothing left to offer you. You also will not be benefited in any way either. By meeting him you will unnecessarily create tension which may not be good for both of you. Let the dead be rest in peace. Bad memories should be allowed to fade away at the earliest. Otherwise the memories will kill us.”
I desperately pleaded, “I am not here to defend my crime. I have made blunders and ready to face the consciences. I know very well that my husband hates me. He loves you and you also love him. Don’t consider me a hurdle in your relationship. Please allow me to meet him once. If you desire, I will not even converse with him. I promise to go away forever.”
She softened on my pleadings, “I will consider only after listening to your story.”
“My husband has already conferred you with all details. He always speaks truth. My story will not be different.”
Jaya got up from her seat. “This present discussion is not taking us anywhere. This we have already discussed, Kavita. I will take a final call on my future relationship only after listening to your version of the story. I don’t want to risk my future with one sided story. God knows, if he is really suffering from Masochistic personality disorder? If your truth convinces me about his freeness from any kind of mental disorder, I will accept my relationship and allow you to meet him. Otherwise, he will be dumped for his life not to deceive any woman in the world. On the other hand, if I find you are suffering from sadistic personality disorder, it is my duty to treat you before allowing you leaving my place. Decide and inform me tomorrow morning. Good night, Kavita.” She quickly disappeared downstairs leaving me in my thoughts.
It was clear, we were in trap. Earlier, it was Prem and presently it was Jaya. All present squabbles were because of my faults. My ill conceived plan had put our lives into absolute mayhem. Jaya appeared not to relent from her stand. I could not find any ray of hope on meeting my husband. She seemed determined to dump him. Only hope I could find was wait for him to return. It may take years, but some day he would definitely return. He would definitely forgive me and return some day.
*****
Next morning, I caught attention of Jaya over breakfast. Concealing my disappointment, I pretended calmness, “You have put me in squabble on trivial issues. I regret, I should not have come here. Unnecessarily, I have created confusion in your mind. If you permit, I can leave today.”
Without showing any enthusiasm on my complaint, in cold voice she replied, “Sometimes trivial issue changes its colour. You can leave it on my wisdom. To tell you frankly, you have saved my time from traveling to Bangalore. And you are not permitted to vacate my house without revealing your part of the story. The reason I have already explained you in details. Better you get prepared.”
I resigned from further argument considering it futile.
Then suddenly she became serious. “You didn’t inform me earlier. Dr. Bharati was mentioning about your appointment with her.” She handed me one packet. “Get ready quickly.”
I opened the packet in my room. It contained a sari and blouse. The sari resembled the sari I dressed on the fateful day I shifted to Prem’s room. No, it was the same sari. There was no chance of mistakes. She had fetched the same sari and blouse from our house in Bangalore. I collapsed on the floor taking the support of the bed. That day I dressed in the same sari provocatively, wore low enough flaunting my body, degrading Manu’s honour. Prem fondled and grouped me in presence of Ac crew before taking me to his bed. He had fucked me in doggy position in front of my husband. Jaya knew about it. She made me dress in same attire to remind me again of my blatant adultery. I could not stop but thinking, ‘She must be imagining me moaning loudly while being taken by Prem! She is observing me naked with Prem invading me in and out!’
Again Jaya discovered me in abysmal condition. But this time I was not spared. I was forced to dress in that sari blouse without bra. She was insisting for wearing sari low, revealing my naval and flaunting my curves. “I want to show my colleagues the beauty of my friend. They would be envious of your figure.” I heard her arguing.
I wept in humiliation. Finally, she relaxed from her hard demand. I could not avert the lusty gazes of the audience in the hospital in spite of my efforts of covering my back with pallu. Throughout my stay in hospital, I could not confidently raise my face for once. She had systematically reduced my confidence level to zero. Nobody asked me anything, nobody laughed at me. Still I could discover a strange wiry smile on their face. On every step, I was feeling self implicated humiliation. I was feeling the same humiliation when Prem had groped me in full public view dressing me obscenely. Surprisingly, Jaya made arrangement to drop me in house as soon as my examination was over.
**********
Kavita
After dinner Jaya came to my room with the purchases. She unpacked and displayed the panties on the bed. Each panty she unfolded, stretched at the bands a few times, appreciating colour and design. On each panty, she commented on how it would fit and look nice on him. On each panty, she pressed for my expert comment “Kavita, what do you say? This would be soft on his skin and look at the frills & design.” I heard her comment while she was feeling the smoothness of a particular panty with lacy frills and a rose printed on front portion. “See the location of the rose. He will look very pretty” She continued till the last panty was demonstrated.
“Kavita, please pack the gift nicely. I must courier it by tomorrow morning not to risk late delivery,” She smiled and closed the door behind.
I kept on looking at the panties. The past incidents were flashing in my memories. Since my arrival, she was reminding me of my horrendous acts. She had not taken up the name of my husband for a single time. Bur it was clear from her acts and behaviours that she was revolving around him. I could not sleep the whole night. The incidents of two and half months tormented me. In the early morning, I cut the panties into pieces and thrown into dustbin.
***
In the morning I did not go for breakfast. It was clear that she was not going to give me any information. She was taking revenge on behalf him. I decided to go back. When Jaya came to my room not finding me downstairs, I was ready to leave.
“What happened to you, Kavita? It appears, you haven’t slept the whole night.” There was real concern in her voice.
Seeing her, I lowered my face. “I know my unforgivable past. You are correct. I don’t deserve meeting my husband. You are a very good host. I will never forget your hospitality. As a good friend please allow me to leave. I know the very reason you are doing all these to me.” I blabbered controlling my tears.
Sarcastically she said, “Great Kavita! You already aware my secret mission?”
Jaya forcefully lifted my face putting her hand under my chin. She kept looking at my face for a long time then silently wiped my tears. The intensity of her look had the piercing effect. Through eyes, she was studying my mind. I closed my eyes in tiredness. I sensed her lips touched my forehead and next moment I was in her tight embrace. I could not hold more. I wept and wept. She did not console me. We both stood like stones in the same position except my occasional body shaking.
After a long when my tears subsided, Jaya spoke, “Don’t you want to see your husband happy? Don’t you want me to be happy with your husband? My happiness is connected with you. I want to decide before you depart. You are my friend. I need your guidance before taking a final call. I can’t permit you to go in this situation. A long journey is ahead of us. I need your cooperation. Please have breakfast.” She called Lakshmi to serve my breakfast at my room.
‘She is planning to get married with him in my presence. She is not going to spare me till her mission is completed. They are already husband and wife except for the official announcement. He loves Jaya. He despises me. He has already deserted me! I have only forced him to desert me!’ I silently wiped my tears.
On completion of breakfast, she gave me some tablets.
***
Rest of the day & night was uneventful except I took some more medicines and slept like a log. Next morning, over breakfast, Jaya smirked, “If you are not busy, can you do a favour? Can you help me writing a critical preview of a novel?”
I replied with weary smile, “I am very poor in literature. If my views can be of any help, I am ready to offer. You may find it stinking.”
“On the issue of Judgement over your capability, you can safely leave it on my good senses.” She disappeared briefly only to come back with a book in her hand. “This is a very famous book ‘Venus in furs’ written by 19th century German novelist, Leopold von Sacher-Masoch.”
“The synopsis of the novel is as this.
The framing story concerns a man who dreams of speaking to Venus about love while she wears furs. The unnamed narrator tells his dreams to a friend, Severin, who tells him how to break himself of his fascination with cruel women by reading a manuscript, Memoirs of a Supra-sensual Man.
This manuscript tells of a man, Severin von Kusiemski, who is so infatuated with a woman, Wanda von Dunajew, that he asks to be her slave, and encourages her to treat him in progressively more degrading ways. At first Wanda does not understand or accede to the request, but after humouring Severin a bit she finds the advantages of the method to be interesting and enthusiastically embraces the idea, although at the same time she disdains Severin for allowing her to do so.
Severin describes his feelings during these experiences as suprasensuality. Severin and Wanda travel to Florence. Along the way, Severin takes the generic Russian servant's name of "Gregor" and the role of Wanda's servant. In Florence, Wanda treats him brutally as a servant, and recruits a trio of African women to dominate him.
The relationship arrives at a crisis when Wanda meets a man to whom she would like to submit, a Byronic hero known as Alexis Papadopolis. At the end of the book, Severin, humiliated by Wanda's new lover, loses the desire to submit.
He says of Wanda:
That woman, as nature has created her, and man at present is educating her, is man's enemy. She can only be his slave or his despot, but never his companion. This she can become companion only when she has the same rights as he and is his equal in education and work.
It is believed Severin is none other than Leopold von Sacher-Masoch himself. Wanda was his wife Aurora von Rümelin. It is a sort of autobiography of Leopold. I want you to read it first till I finish my hospital duty.”
I moved to my room to open the book. After some initial pastime, my interest grew.
***
Over dinner, Jaya asked, “Do you support Wanda on her behaviour?”
Guardedly, I answered, “Wanda has been pictured by Leopold. Her behaviour may have been exaggerated. It’s not expected Leopold ported Wanda correctly. He may have imagined many things from his fantasy. In the absence of Wanda’s mindset, it may not be proper to judge her.” I paused and added critically, “If there is truth in Leopold’s description, I hate Wanda. She is so cruel. “
I observed appreciation in her eyes. Thoughtfully she inquired, “You say, Leopold could have twisted his own character to cover up his own faults at the same time tarnishing Wanda’s character. You are absolutely correct from normal human psychological point of view. So, Wanda’s version could help us to understand better and neutralising the one-sided description?”
“I think so.” I expressed my views sincerely.
Jaya was candid, “I agree with you fully. Kavita, you will be surprised to know, every story involving husband-wife has minimum 5 versions. “
“1st is the Husband’s version. While deliberating his views on the subject, he either magnifies or understates his emotions. It depends mainly on his motive to expose his wife or to cover up her. It’s very natural for any human. He can’t be blamed. Communication distortions are natural. ‘Venus in Furs’ is the initiation.
2nd is the Wife’s version. This is also similar to Husband’s version. She may hide or elaborate facts for purposes. Wanda’s views are available in “The Confessions of Wanda von Sacher-Masoch “.
The 3rd one is by the persons who are in close contact to husbands or / and wife. The painter or Alexis Papadopolis described in ‘Venus in Furs’ fall in this category. Here we have no access to their views.
The 4th category is the vast population of critiques deliberated their ideas clinically dissecting the characters. Their views are entirely based on the views of above three categories mixed with individuals personal experiences on the subject. This group can be divided into many sub groups. Say story tellers, novelists, amateurs, psychiatrists, social workers, philanthropist, astrologers etc. Everybody assumes that they are correct in their analysis without realising nobody is correct. They do not know what actually happened.
The last of the list is the actual story itself. It is primitive and pristine. Unfortunately, the husband and wife also do not know the story accurately, even though it is the story of their life.”
She continued, “We both fall in the same 4th category. The difference is, you analyse the story with your emotions. We so called professionals look for reasons. The way you feel pain we are also pained. The difference is, you suffer in pain while we find solutions within pain.”
Jaya fetched another book from her personal library “’The Confessions of Wanda Von Sacher-Masoch’. This is written by Aurora von Rümelin sometimes called as Wanda Von Sacher-Masoch, wife of Leopold von Sacher-Masoch. This may give you a clearer picture. Why don’t you read this book then? We will further discuss on the subject. I sincerely want you read some logical review of the critics. you will find plenty available in the net. Please make use of the computer available in your room.”
I went through the book. The views were completely different. The compelling situations Wanda had to pass through reminded me of my compulsions. Wanda was emotionally blackmailed by her husband to behave pervert way. I was compelled by society and coerced by Prem to perform near similar activities. The striking similarities put me in squabble.
***
Late evening after dinner Jaya accompanied me to my room. She asked probing, “Now, what’s your opinion about Wanda? Do you think Wanda was sadist? Was she getting pleasure by inflicting pain to Leopold? Or Leopold was masochist? Was he deriving sexual gratification from his own pain or humiliation?”
“Do you want to draw a similarity of me with Wanda and my husband with Leopold?” I did not hide my disappointment.
Jaya mocked my embarrassment, “When did I say so? You draw a quick conclusion to blame me, Kavita.” She amused, “It means you found some similarity. Otherwise, it would not have occurred in your mind. We will explore further on it. Presently, I want your true opinion on Wanda. Did this book help you to discover her better? Do you abhor her character now? Or, you still support her.”
I was caught on my thinking. She had cleverly manipulated me. I surrendered. Half-heartedly, I tried to defend Wanda, “I neither like nor hate her. I feel distressing. I can’t explain properly my emotion after reading both version of the story.” I added with compassion, “I think, they are victim of circumstances. Leopold’s wild fantasy backfired.”
Empathetically, Jaya smiled looking deep into my eyes, “I see. What made you compare yourself with Wanda?”
I lowered my face in anticipation. I whispered, “The emotional turmoil Wanda had gone through is similar to mine.”
In cold voice she expressed, “Should I then consider that, you enjoyed perverse pleasure torturing your husband physically and emotionally.”
I voiced with disagreement, “I did not.”
Jaya was nonchalant, “Then your husband must have Masochistic personality disorder. He was deriving pleasure by inflicting pain to himself, like Leopold was getting in ‘Venus in Furs’. I need to be more careful about him.”
I resigned to her argument, “He did not. You have spoken to my husband. You are emotionally attached to him. You know very well that he was forced to accept humiliation.”
Jaya argued, “That was his version. He was forced to accept humiliation till you shifted to your boyfriend. He was not bullied by your boyfriend since your shifting to him. Your husband continued accepting humiliation willingly, because he was enjoying. I am in real problem now.”
I objected, “No, he did not enjoy. He was forced.” I heisted then accepted, “I did force him.”
“You are lying to defend your husband. He did never tell me that you forced him. I am convinced now that he enjoyed self inflicted humiliation.”
“Believe me, I am not lying. He never enjoyed humiliation. He was forced to accept humiliation because of me.”
Her tone changed contemptuous, “I did not get you correctly. Why will a man accept humiliation willingly unless he suffers from Masochistic personality disorder? What was his motive? Can you clarify?”
Gently I replied, “Because,” I hesitated, “because he loved me.”
She spoke derisively, “So, you knew, your husband loved you. You knew that he was not getting any pleasure out of his humiliation and physical torture. Still you did not stop to torture him physically and emotionally. So, if your husband was not masochistic, then you must be sadist. Why do you want to meet your husband? After all you hate him.”
I protested in low voice, “You misunderstood me. I do not hate him. I never hated him. I love him?
She forced her opinion, “You are under infatuation of love. You are emotionally stressed not to accept the truth. you never loved him. The truth is, you derived pleasure out of pain inflicted on your husband. You are sadist.”
I pleaded, “I can’t explain. Trust me I love him.”
She did not budge. “Even if I accept your claim that you loved your husband, the question remained, why did you cheat him? You claimed that, he loved you and you loved him. Still you left him for your boyfriend. I am not convinced.”
She waited long for my reaction. I was in trap. I could not deny her logic. Finally, I explained, “I was coerced by Prem. He abused me with sexual drugs, blackmailed me in his favour. I was emotionally tortured.”
She laughed, “Again, you are placing new theory to prove your innocence! You can make very good stories.”
Straightway she refused to accept my words. I almost begged, “I am not making stories. Believe me; Prem had replaced my pills with sexual drugs. I had been medically diagnosed as sex addict. My medical report cannot be false.”
“Agree, your medical report is not false. Possibly, you accepted sexual drugs willingly to keep your boyfriend happy! You wanted to enhance your sexual stamina to match his.”
There was no way to prove my innocence. In utter hopelessness, I surrendered, “I can’t prove that I am telling truth. You believe what suits you best. Allow me to meet my husband once. I will never disturb you again, I promise.”
She Lamented, “You are creating stories to defend your crime. You have not justified your true concern to meet him. He has nothing left to offer you. You also will not be benefited in any way either. By meeting him you will unnecessarily create tension which may not be good for both of you. Let the dead be rest in peace. Bad memories should be allowed to fade away at the earliest. Otherwise the memories will kill us.”
I desperately pleaded, “I am not here to defend my crime. I have made blunders and ready to face the consciences. I know very well that my husband hates me. He loves you and you also love him. Don’t consider me a hurdle in your relationship. Please allow me to meet him once. If you desire, I will not even converse with him. I promise to go away forever.”
She softened on my pleadings, “I will consider only after listening to your story.”
“My husband has already conferred you with all details. He always speaks truth. My story will not be different.”
Jaya got up from her seat. “This present discussion is not taking us anywhere. This we have already discussed, Kavita. I will take a final call on my future relationship only after listening to your version of the story. I don’t want to risk my future with one sided story. God knows, if he is really suffering from Masochistic personality disorder? If your truth convinces me about his freeness from any kind of mental disorder, I will accept my relationship and allow you to meet him. Otherwise, he will be dumped for his life not to deceive any woman in the world. On the other hand, if I find you are suffering from sadistic personality disorder, it is my duty to treat you before allowing you leaving my place. Decide and inform me tomorrow morning. Good night, Kavita.” She quickly disappeared downstairs leaving me in my thoughts.
It was clear, we were in trap. Earlier, it was Prem and presently it was Jaya. All present squabbles were because of my faults. My ill conceived plan had put our lives into absolute mayhem. Jaya appeared not to relent from her stand. I could not find any ray of hope on meeting my husband. She seemed determined to dump him. Only hope I could find was wait for him to return. It may take years, but some day he would definitely return. He would definitely forgive me and return some day.
*****
Next morning, I caught attention of Jaya over breakfast. Concealing my disappointment, I pretended calmness, “You have put me in squabble on trivial issues. I regret, I should not have come here. Unnecessarily, I have created confusion in your mind. If you permit, I can leave today.”
Without showing any enthusiasm on my complaint, in cold voice she replied, “Sometimes trivial issue changes its colour. You can leave it on my wisdom. To tell you frankly, you have saved my time from traveling to Bangalore. And you are not permitted to vacate my house without revealing your part of the story. The reason I have already explained you in details. Better you get prepared.”
I resigned from further argument considering it futile.
Then suddenly she became serious. “You didn’t inform me earlier. Dr. Bharati was mentioning about your appointment with her.” She handed me one packet. “Get ready quickly.”
I opened the packet in my room. It contained a sari and blouse. The sari resembled the sari I dressed on the fateful day I shifted to Prem’s room. No, it was the same sari. There was no chance of mistakes. She had fetched the same sari and blouse from our house in Bangalore. I collapsed on the floor taking the support of the bed. That day I dressed in the same sari provocatively, wore low enough flaunting my body, degrading Manu’s honour. Prem fondled and grouped me in presence of Ac crew before taking me to his bed. He had fucked me in doggy position in front of my husband. Jaya knew about it. She made me dress in same attire to remind me again of my blatant adultery. I could not stop but thinking, ‘She must be imagining me moaning loudly while being taken by Prem! She is observing me naked with Prem invading me in and out!’
Again Jaya discovered me in abysmal condition. But this time I was not spared. I was forced to dress in that sari blouse without bra. She was insisting for wearing sari low, revealing my naval and flaunting my curves. “I want to show my colleagues the beauty of my friend. They would be envious of your figure.” I heard her arguing.
I wept in humiliation. Finally, she relaxed from her hard demand. I could not avert the lusty gazes of the audience in the hospital in spite of my efforts of covering my back with pallu. Throughout my stay in hospital, I could not confidently raise my face for once. She had systematically reduced my confidence level to zero. Nobody asked me anything, nobody laughed at me. Still I could discover a strange wiry smile on their face. On every step, I was feeling self implicated humiliation. I was feeling the same humiliation when Prem had groped me in full public view dressing me obscenely. Surprisingly, Jaya made arrangement to drop me in house as soon as my examination was over.
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