Adultery The Old Toothbrush by Trambak

[Ramesh_Rocky]

Suhasini touched my face, "Is that why your eyes are closed?"

"Yes, I am one with my Suhas that I know and I know it well when my eyes are closed."

Suhasini pulled me and said breathlessly, "Open your eyes and tell me what you see?"

I opened my eyes and looked at that beautiful face and the deep eyes. Her lips were upturned towards mine. Her fragrance was all over me. I wanted her intensely.

She looked deeply into my eyes and said, "What do you see?"

I said with great difficulty, "I see a beautiful woman, so desirable, so enchanting!"

She smiled, "She's all yours, Come in. With me!"

"Yes", I said.

I added after a pause, "But can I say something?"

"Of course you can? And you must." She held me tighter.

I was torn between the excesses of emotions and initiation was a challenge. I was unable to look at her eyes and say it.

"Suhas, Do you know what I did after I left Pune? Do you know that I could not go back to Delhi?"

"You came to Goa, I know." She said.

I was incredulous, "How?"

"I tracked your mobile. I knew you hadn't gone back to Delhi. I was worried." She answered.

"Do you have any idea what I have gone through the last two weeks? Wasn't I worried?" I asked again.

She was quiet now. After a moment she said, "Yes, I know."

I continue to look the other way, "I had no clue about why you called me here. I was just following instructions. I met you here, in your new avatar.

A brand new Suhasini, perfect in all respects. In this beautiful shack.

Perfect.

And you spoke about yourself and us. You spoke about your own philosophy of life, to me at least, it was brand new again, When you spoke, I kept looking at you. It was mesmerizing. I am still looking at you.

But, I am not looking at my Suhas. I am looking at someone whom I don't recognize. You are everything that I desire but you are not my Suhas."

Her eyes blurred in confusion, "What are you saying?"

In great pain, I continued, "You told me about us. How our oneness became the central core of anomaly in our relationship. Maybe, you are right. Maybe, this is the real reason. But this is beyond my comprehension. For me, it's very complex. I don't know, don't understand this thought process.

You want me to be angry, not sad, nor hurt, neither forgiving. In your eyes, these make me unqualified to make you feel comfortable. You may be right again but what about me? What about my perceptions?

After five years of marriage we rolled into one, we became more tolerant of each other, more understanding and more caring. Was that wrong? Did we not strive for it, to make small little adjustments and compromises, for ourselves? Did we ever repent making those little 'gives and takes' in our life. Moreover, did we not feel better sacrificing a little for each other? I did, but today I am not so sure anymore.

And all these prevented me from asking for explanations. That, in my mind, would have gone against the grain of our existence built over a period of 20 years, with great difficulty. So, when you asked me to leave, I felt bizarre but did not argue. If you said it, you had a reason. That's that!

You love Adi. Absolutely fine with me. You love me more. That too is fine. We are partners in life. We don't own each other's thoughts. But when you say that you love him because he, in retrospect reminds me of younger me, I am filled with a sense of deficiency. Deficiencies are borne out of our endeavours to adjust towards each other's happiness.

You didn't want me to fear that I would lose you but I felt exactly that when you turned me out. You wanted me to be angry but I could not because I was more hurt when you refused my efforts to console you, stand by you. You think I would have been a biased judge and you are right because to stand on judgment on someone who has done everything for you would have been a sacrilege, an unthinkable option.