Non-erotic The Scarface I Hated by Trambak

[Ramesh_Rocky]

Undaunted, uncle continued, "After all, you are in our care and we are responsible for your future. So, we have arranged your marriage. To a very good boy, mind you. Very good. You are educated and you know it's a man's heart that is important. Looks and money, everything will go but heart? It will remain forever."

What could I say? I kept quiet. Suddenly, my marriage had become their priority. There had to be a catch somewhere.

Sensing discomfiture, Chachi decided to take over. In a nutshell, she explained with surprising lucidity that my marriage had been fixed to a boy named Imran and there was no necessity of my seeing him because it has been done by them already (They were not my enemy and how much do I know about these things anyway?) Unfortunately, our economic condition was appalling and in case there were some deficiencies in band baaja etc then I should pardon them. As such they were such colossal waste of money. The marriage was to take place 7 days later. I needed to resign from the college, collect my dues and start life afresh as ordained by the God Almighty.

With that, the exited.

Bottom line. Everything was decided and I had no options.

Well, here I was. Well educated, employed, reasonably good looking but still enslaved to the social imperfections. I was supposed to have no choices, no aspirations and therefore an unlikely future. I was not entitled to voice my opinions, my concerns, my likes, my dislikes.

I was cattle. To be fed, fattened and sold.

Should I protest. To whom? I need not cry, nor lament the fact that I am only in custody, to be released to the highest bidder. For Qurbani.

The easiest option was to accept things as they came. Have we not been instructed precisely this? Don't complain, don't resist, don't say no. Say yes, always and every time.

There are wounds that never show on the body. Laurell K. Hamilton

Chapter-2: Alone

I sat alone, miserable and time stood by my side, offering no hope.

Was it happening to me? I had thought this happened only to others. I was secure in my own small cocoon. It was fragile but I never knew that. My life, howsoever pedestrian had a pace and maybe an elusive direction. The great force of life suddenly brought me down to my knees and I looked up towards a vast emptiness, a nought.

Since childhood, I have been severely challenged on the emotional quotient. I could not cry even when appropriate. I would always be standing at a corner twirling my thumb, not knowing what to do when all our kith and kin would launch into wailing and weeping (often false). More often than not I would be reprimanded later for being rude and arrogant. Invariably, the blame would fall on my 'never been seen' mother for my bad upbringing. Genes after all were all too pervasive.

I seriously felt that this was a fitting occasion for me to cry. But lack of training failed me.

I had never seriously contemplated the absence or lack of parents. I never missed them because I never had them. Whether they were good or bad or indifferent made no material difference to me. There was so little discussion about them at home that they were just a nebulous image in my mind. Of little consequence, of little importance. Of course, Chachi very rarely spoke about my mother except when she had to reinforce my deficiencies being a direct responsibility of my mother and It affected me very less. My father was never ever spoken at home. I didn't even have a picture of them. Why? I do not know. I should have tried to find out one. But I never did.

I never remembered anything about my parents. Not even at college. To be honest, the type of college that I studied in and the type of friends I had, it was more of a time pass for all. It was a girl's college and all our energies were focussed on cinema, affairs and other girlie things. We all learned giggling and conspiratorial tones but never anything serious like career, higher studies or even politics. I on my part allowed my life just to float around in frivolities. Maybe, later when I received a scholarship, I was myself surprised. My parents were conveniently non-committal by their absence.

Today, I thought about them more than all these 20 years put together and I felt disloyal, a two timer. I could not gage my complete disinterest till today. Since my life moved on with much deterrence, the path of least resistance was that much easier. A bit self-centric, I had to admit. I was amazed at my complete ignorance about them and felt a trifle lost.

Did my parents have interest in me. They must have protested when I was born, a girl. Who wanted a girl? But they called me a princess. Maybe they were happy for me. For the first time in my life, I felt that void in my life and I missed them. Had they been there I would have fought, expressed my anger, thrashed about. But they weren't there. Not for me. Chachi wanted to protect her daughter from harm and that harm came from me. That what's a parent does. I couldn't blame her. I felt completely distraught and helpless. I wanted to shout, "Mother, where are you? Why aren't you there when I need you the most." It was hopeless.

I felt a strange sensation in my chest where the heart beats. An agonizing pain broke through that little heart and the dam broke. I cried. I cried like never. In my tears, I found my parents. I felt them near me and that steeled my resolve. I would no longer beg anyone for anything. If uncle has looked after me for 2o years, I will not hold back my gratitude. I will do what he says. So be it.

A fresh morning follows each stale night, that is the law of the nature but things change. I was no longer the same girl anymore. A part of me died during the night. I worked quietly through my daily chores but I was someone else. This home where I spent all my life now looked a house, an alien land and I no longer belonged here. It did not scare me anymore where I would go next. I belonged to nowhere. In one evening, I was firmly shown my place. My existence was smashed.