30-10-2020, 03:31 PM
Hi @manasi - Here is the comment I wrote
I think you are a fantastic writer - If this story is by itself it would have shined. Just like the other writer. Almost remind me of LD spite store (I can only DM the reference).
In any case - to the story critique.
Prem is not a violent person by nature - Specially with women. With women his philosophy always seemed to be "if you do not want it, I will go to next one" - So showing Prem is violent is out of character. He is also not interested in having Kavitha for long time. Kavitha, with the help of Prem, trying to make Manu a cuckold. He actually wanted to leave the situation when he thought Manu needed to go to hospital. He in fact tells Manu - "I thought brute force would train you, but Kavitha's brain worked like a charm on you"
Gowri and Prem - Both are there for sexual needs only. In fact I think it is a ruse that Prem and Gowri are going to get married. You are also falling in the familiar trap that Manu is in - which is Gowri should be a "good" girl. What if Gowri is there only for sex and loves having sex with Prem and Kavitha.
So rather than going through all the pain to realize what Manu is -- you are trying to paint a good picture for "Kavitha and Gowri" when the original author intend is not.
Manu's journey is a very complex where he analyses he considers what he should be vs what he really is (and the other challenge is for us with regard to Kavitha and Gowri) - our culture has an image of what "women" should be -- and when that is challenged - it is easier to either get them to be victims or make them to be totally opposite. I think Kavitha and Gowri are sexually active and exercising that (out of marriage (case of gowri), and being a hotwife (case of Kavitha) . This bothers us very much - we rather them be a chaste housewife or a total slut.
Think bridges of Madison county story
--- So there you go ---
I can dissect more -- but hey it is a free forum.
Also -- this is a free forum. So please take my comments as such. I am in no way intend to stop you from writing - rather stating my opinion
I think you are a fantastic writer - If this story is by itself it would have shined. Just like the other writer. Almost remind me of LD spite store (I can only DM the reference).
In any case - to the story critique.
Prem is not a violent person by nature - Specially with women. With women his philosophy always seemed to be "if you do not want it, I will go to next one" - So showing Prem is violent is out of character. He is also not interested in having Kavitha for long time. Kavitha, with the help of Prem, trying to make Manu a cuckold. He actually wanted to leave the situation when he thought Manu needed to go to hospital. He in fact tells Manu - "I thought brute force would train you, but Kavitha's brain worked like a charm on you"
Gowri and Prem - Both are there for sexual needs only. In fact I think it is a ruse that Prem and Gowri are going to get married. You are also falling in the familiar trap that Manu is in - which is Gowri should be a "good" girl. What if Gowri is there only for sex and loves having sex with Prem and Kavitha.
So rather than going through all the pain to realize what Manu is -- you are trying to paint a good picture for "Kavitha and Gowri" when the original author intend is not.
Manu's journey is a very complex where he analyses he considers what he should be vs what he really is (and the other challenge is for us with regard to Kavitha and Gowri) - our culture has an image of what "women" should be -- and when that is challenged - it is easier to either get them to be victims or make them to be totally opposite. I think Kavitha and Gowri are sexually active and exercising that (out of marriage (case of gowri), and being a hotwife (case of Kavitha) . This bothers us very much - we rather them be a chaste housewife or a total slut.
Think bridges of Madison county story
--- So there you go ---
I can dissect more -- but hey it is a free forum.
Also -- this is a free forum. So please take my comments as such. I am in no way intend to stop you from writing - rather stating my opinion
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