06-04-2020, 03:55 PM
Saravanan saw his wife sitting slumped on the floor. Her face was ravaged with sorrow. There seemed to be no life left in her body. This was the one aspect that Saravanan had feared. How is she going to take this all in.
“Meera,” he softly called out.
He saw her body stiffen on hearing his voice. She did not move and seemed to be frozen in time.
“Meera,” he called out again.
Again, it took a few minutes before she slowly turned and looked at his face. In space of this half an hour her face had undergone such a dramatic change. Gone was bright beautiful face. Instead her eyes seemed to be hollow pool without ant light in them. Her face swollen from her tears. Even her facial muscles seem to have lost their firmness. When she saw his face, she finally lost all the will within her. She had made a tremendous effort to keep control of herself when Prabu was here but now all her emotion burst out unmanageable by the sorrow that was consuming her from within.
She shrieked out, her body shuddering uncontrollably as she wailed not being able to see the loving man to whom she had caused so much of heartache and pain. Even now when he had looked at her face there was no hint of anger or admonishment in those eyes. Only kindness and concern for her in spite of her dreadful and shameful behaviour. She had violated all the sacred trust that had united them in marriage all these years and she had done it willingly as lust had overwhelmed all the values with which she had been brought up.
“Why…why…why….she kept shaking her head violently as she cried.
Saravanan went close to her wanting to place a consoling hand on her. She aggressively jerked away from him in horror before he could touch her. When she saw the hurt in her husband’s eyes when she did that she was consumed with grief. He must have thought that she did not even want him to touch her anymore. He was right in that but for not the reason he must be thinking.
“No…no.. you must not touch me. Your fingers should never have to touch this unclean body again,” she sobbed as she looked at him pleadingly.
“Don’t say that Meera….” Saravanan started to say but she cut him off.
“No.. no…,” she pleaded, my filthy stench would stick to you. I don’t deserve any kindness from you. It’s causing a searing pain in my heart every time I think how deeply I had hurt you.
She was again taken up by a paroxysm of sobbing that shook her whole body. It took her awhile to recover from it.
Saravanan sat beside her careful not to touch her. She was at the movement very grief stricken and there must be intense self hate within her. He needed to be very patient for her at the moment.
“It’s okay Meera, calm yourself. We cannot change the past. Nothing to be gained by it. Let’s see what is to be done going forward,” he spoke gently.
She looked up at him, her face deeply lined with sorrow. “How did you bear all this humiliation. I don’t want to live anymore .. if you had beaten me to death I would have gladly died in your hands.”
“No Meera, maybe I too didn’t take care of you properly, I am not completely blameless.”
“No.. no.. ,” Meera shrieked, “ never .. don’t ever say. It’s all my fault. I don’t deserve a good man like you… don’t ever blame yourself, I can’t stand to hear that.”
There was silence for a while. She continued sobbing and Saravanan was patient letting her get to some semblance of self-control.
Meera started talking sombrely, “Why did you never say a word .. you had never shown anger or hate .. after all that I did… why??”
Saravanan didn’t know what to say, he too didn’t know how he was able to bear the strain her illicit relationship caused in his life.
He let her ramble on in her sorrow and gently tried to soothe her but she was filled with so much of self-loathing that she kept berating herself and crying all the while. Finally after almost an hour she started talking about the future.
“You are right .. I can’t be your wife anymore..”
Saravanan looked up at her face, alarmed. Seeing that she quickly continued talking. She did not want him to think of her being a woman of such hideous morals that she wanted to live a life as Prabu’s mistress.
“I don’t deserve to be your wife.. I don’t deserve any happiness in my life for the humiliation and pain I had caused you.”
She looked at Saravanan’s face sincerely and continued, ”Prabu would never come here again nor will I ever meet him again. My life is finished. I am dead inside and this is just a shell existing.”
“No Meera, If you can let go of the past, you need not live like this. Everyone deserves a second chance.”
“Ha,” she laughed sardonically. There was bitter contempt for herself in it. “I had my second chance when Prabu’s father banished him from here .. I didn’t use that. I was a self absorbed evil bitch, not appreciating the gem I already had.”
“I want to grovel at your feet asking for forgiveness, but only someone who deserves forgiveness can do that. All I seek is death to take me soon.”
Saravanan was now truly alarmed. “Meera, don’t do anything foolish.”
Meera could hear the concern in his voice and that caused another pang of pain in her heart. If he had kicked her, beaten her up she would have had some solace from that, but his kindness and love was causing her far more pain than any violence against her. How could she have been so blind to what she had. She lost everything for some fleeting moments of bodily pleasure.
She wanted to speak loving words of reassurance to her husband but she felt she had lost all the right to do that and was not worthy to even be a woman much less the wife of such a honourable man.
“You suffered all the humiliation because of this. I won’t kill myself .. I will never do anything that would bring dishonour to you till the last breath is in my body.”
Saravanan was relieved to hear that.
“You are right in that the only position I deserve in your life is that of a servant to you. I will pass the rest of my life only in that position and that is the only position I deserve.”
Saravanan spoke to her for the next hour trying to dissuade her of her decision but she was very firm in not budging from her decision.
So began the next phase of their lives. Prabu and his family soon left town and were very, very infrequent visitors to their own home. Meera truly began her life as his servant. She would sleep on the floor in their room and no matter what Saravanan said would not come and sleep on the bed. If he tried to persuade her a lot of tears would start flowing from her cheeks and so Saravanan gave up though it distressed him to see her do this.
She continued to be a loving mother to her children taking care of them as much as she could. Only with her kids would a smile appear once in a while on her face. Saravanan could see the care she had for him too. If he was a little unwell he could see her anxiety. She longed to soothe him and take care of him but she would restrain herself and take care of him like a nurse would. She felt she had no right to be loving to him.
She maintained the outward appearance of a happy family for the sake of Saravanan’s reputation. Even when going to the weekly temple visit, she would let her son or daughter sit in the front with her husband. As a servant she felt she had no right to sit in front with her husband. What hurt her most is that in wanting to punish herself she was also hurting the man she most wanted to have all the happiness in his life. She could not provide the pleasures in bed a wife should give to her husband. She didn’t want a pure hearted man to be sullied by touching a slut like her. For her great sin because of sex she had forsaken any desire for sexual pleasure in her life. Her husband was also being denied that because of it and that hurt her. She wished he would take a second wife or even a mistress who would give him all the happiness he deserved. He was not that type of a man was the reason for her continued sorrow.
The continued mental anguish she was going through was reflected in the changes taking place in her. She was losing weight and started looking haggard. Saravanan was concerned as her health seemed to be getting worse slowly. It was now six months passed that day when everything had come out in the open. Why is her health getting like this, Saravanan wondered. He thought she was not eating properly anymore and despite her protest he made sure she ate with them to make sure she took proper meals. She had been eating after the family members had done so, as a servant should.
However still her health seemed to be getting worse. Saravanan was worried she was suffering some illness. He forced her to come with him and took her to a big hospital in a city closest to their town. A thorough medical examination found nothing wrong with her medically. She was prescribed some vitamins and sent home. After a month her health didn’t seem to have any improvement. Saravanan again took her to the hospital and saw the same specialist. The specialist again did all the tests and some additional ones. The doctor told Meera to rest in bed in a room and called Saravanan aside.
“Doctor, tell me, what’s wrong with her?”
“Mr. Saravanan, I have done all the tests but we can’t find anything wrong.”
The doctor paused for a moment and said,” Sorry sir, but I even examined her to see if she had suffered any physical abuse. There was no signs of any old injuries.”
“What doctor.. you thought I was a wife beater..????”
“Don’t get upset sir, we have to look out for all possibilities. Now don’t get angry but I asked her separately if you are giving her any mental torture.”
Seeing Saravanan being upset at how he had questioned his wife the doctor quickly continued, “ I had to think that because your wife is always very quiet. She hardly speaks a word but when I asked that of her I saw some sort of emotion from her for the first time.”
“What emotion??” asked Saravanan.
“She was angry that I dare think something like that about you.”
Despite himself a small smile appeared in Saravanan’s face.
The doctor continued,” Mr. Saravanan, something has occurred that is causing all this. There seems to be nothing physical wrong with her. I suspect she is suffering something mentally.”
Seeing Saravanan suddenly becoming silent the doctor knew he was on the right track.
“I don’t want to know what it is because I am not trained to help even if I knew. It must be surely something very personal. I think she needs help from a mental health specialist.”
“what?? You think my wife is going mad??”
“No, no sir, many people make that mistake. All of us under go mental stress and even may have some mental issues which we are normally able to overcome. The mind can both be fragile and strong. Some people can be overcome by their troubles and it’s not as infrequent as you think.”
Saravanan was pondering on what the doctor was saying. He knew the stress Meera was in. She was always morose and seemed to be lost. Only when the kids or he was around there was some sort of spark within her even though that too was not much. He had even wrongly thinking mistakenly had asked her if she missed Prabu. It was as if he had slapped her. Her haunting look of pain had made him immediately regret what he had asked.
“I would rather die before, but how can I blame you for thinking that. I had behaved in such a cheap and dreadful manner before,” Meera said before bursting into tears.
It took a few days before she could recover from the pain caused by his words. Their life has not changed for the better after as he had expected after the Meera’s affair with Prabu had ended permanently. What else did he have to lose.
“What should I do doctor?”
“I have a colleague who is very good in treating people with problems like these. I will make an appointment with him for you. When next week would be okay for you?”
Saravanan left for home driving his car, deep in his thoughts. Meera sat beside him (Saravanan insisted on it) quietly without saying a word. It was getting dark as late evening had set in.
“Meera,” he softly called out.
He saw her body stiffen on hearing his voice. She did not move and seemed to be frozen in time.
“Meera,” he called out again.
Again, it took a few minutes before she slowly turned and looked at his face. In space of this half an hour her face had undergone such a dramatic change. Gone was bright beautiful face. Instead her eyes seemed to be hollow pool without ant light in them. Her face swollen from her tears. Even her facial muscles seem to have lost their firmness. When she saw his face, she finally lost all the will within her. She had made a tremendous effort to keep control of herself when Prabu was here but now all her emotion burst out unmanageable by the sorrow that was consuming her from within.
She shrieked out, her body shuddering uncontrollably as she wailed not being able to see the loving man to whom she had caused so much of heartache and pain. Even now when he had looked at her face there was no hint of anger or admonishment in those eyes. Only kindness and concern for her in spite of her dreadful and shameful behaviour. She had violated all the sacred trust that had united them in marriage all these years and she had done it willingly as lust had overwhelmed all the values with which she had been brought up.
“Why…why…why….she kept shaking her head violently as she cried.
Saravanan went close to her wanting to place a consoling hand on her. She aggressively jerked away from him in horror before he could touch her. When she saw the hurt in her husband’s eyes when she did that she was consumed with grief. He must have thought that she did not even want him to touch her anymore. He was right in that but for not the reason he must be thinking.
“No…no.. you must not touch me. Your fingers should never have to touch this unclean body again,” she sobbed as she looked at him pleadingly.
“Don’t say that Meera….” Saravanan started to say but she cut him off.
“No.. no…,” she pleaded, my filthy stench would stick to you. I don’t deserve any kindness from you. It’s causing a searing pain in my heart every time I think how deeply I had hurt you.
She was again taken up by a paroxysm of sobbing that shook her whole body. It took her awhile to recover from it.
Saravanan sat beside her careful not to touch her. She was at the movement very grief stricken and there must be intense self hate within her. He needed to be very patient for her at the moment.
“It’s okay Meera, calm yourself. We cannot change the past. Nothing to be gained by it. Let’s see what is to be done going forward,” he spoke gently.
She looked up at him, her face deeply lined with sorrow. “How did you bear all this humiliation. I don’t want to live anymore .. if you had beaten me to death I would have gladly died in your hands.”
“No Meera, maybe I too didn’t take care of you properly, I am not completely blameless.”
“No.. no.. ,” Meera shrieked, “ never .. don’t ever say. It’s all my fault. I don’t deserve a good man like you… don’t ever blame yourself, I can’t stand to hear that.”
There was silence for a while. She continued sobbing and Saravanan was patient letting her get to some semblance of self-control.
Meera started talking sombrely, “Why did you never say a word .. you had never shown anger or hate .. after all that I did… why??”
Saravanan didn’t know what to say, he too didn’t know how he was able to bear the strain her illicit relationship caused in his life.
He let her ramble on in her sorrow and gently tried to soothe her but she was filled with so much of self-loathing that she kept berating herself and crying all the while. Finally after almost an hour she started talking about the future.
“You are right .. I can’t be your wife anymore..”
Saravanan looked up at her face, alarmed. Seeing that she quickly continued talking. She did not want him to think of her being a woman of such hideous morals that she wanted to live a life as Prabu’s mistress.
“I don’t deserve to be your wife.. I don’t deserve any happiness in my life for the humiliation and pain I had caused you.”
She looked at Saravanan’s face sincerely and continued, ”Prabu would never come here again nor will I ever meet him again. My life is finished. I am dead inside and this is just a shell existing.”
“No Meera, If you can let go of the past, you need not live like this. Everyone deserves a second chance.”
“Ha,” she laughed sardonically. There was bitter contempt for herself in it. “I had my second chance when Prabu’s father banished him from here .. I didn’t use that. I was a self absorbed evil bitch, not appreciating the gem I already had.”
“I want to grovel at your feet asking for forgiveness, but only someone who deserves forgiveness can do that. All I seek is death to take me soon.”
Saravanan was now truly alarmed. “Meera, don’t do anything foolish.”
Meera could hear the concern in his voice and that caused another pang of pain in her heart. If he had kicked her, beaten her up she would have had some solace from that, but his kindness and love was causing her far more pain than any violence against her. How could she have been so blind to what she had. She lost everything for some fleeting moments of bodily pleasure.
She wanted to speak loving words of reassurance to her husband but she felt she had lost all the right to do that and was not worthy to even be a woman much less the wife of such a honourable man.
“You suffered all the humiliation because of this. I won’t kill myself .. I will never do anything that would bring dishonour to you till the last breath is in my body.”
Saravanan was relieved to hear that.
“You are right in that the only position I deserve in your life is that of a servant to you. I will pass the rest of my life only in that position and that is the only position I deserve.”
Saravanan spoke to her for the next hour trying to dissuade her of her decision but she was very firm in not budging from her decision.
So began the next phase of their lives. Prabu and his family soon left town and were very, very infrequent visitors to their own home. Meera truly began her life as his servant. She would sleep on the floor in their room and no matter what Saravanan said would not come and sleep on the bed. If he tried to persuade her a lot of tears would start flowing from her cheeks and so Saravanan gave up though it distressed him to see her do this.
She continued to be a loving mother to her children taking care of them as much as she could. Only with her kids would a smile appear once in a while on her face. Saravanan could see the care she had for him too. If he was a little unwell he could see her anxiety. She longed to soothe him and take care of him but she would restrain herself and take care of him like a nurse would. She felt she had no right to be loving to him.
She maintained the outward appearance of a happy family for the sake of Saravanan’s reputation. Even when going to the weekly temple visit, she would let her son or daughter sit in the front with her husband. As a servant she felt she had no right to sit in front with her husband. What hurt her most is that in wanting to punish herself she was also hurting the man she most wanted to have all the happiness in his life. She could not provide the pleasures in bed a wife should give to her husband. She didn’t want a pure hearted man to be sullied by touching a slut like her. For her great sin because of sex she had forsaken any desire for sexual pleasure in her life. Her husband was also being denied that because of it and that hurt her. She wished he would take a second wife or even a mistress who would give him all the happiness he deserved. He was not that type of a man was the reason for her continued sorrow.
The continued mental anguish she was going through was reflected in the changes taking place in her. She was losing weight and started looking haggard. Saravanan was concerned as her health seemed to be getting worse slowly. It was now six months passed that day when everything had come out in the open. Why is her health getting like this, Saravanan wondered. He thought she was not eating properly anymore and despite her protest he made sure she ate with them to make sure she took proper meals. She had been eating after the family members had done so, as a servant should.
However still her health seemed to be getting worse. Saravanan was worried she was suffering some illness. He forced her to come with him and took her to a big hospital in a city closest to their town. A thorough medical examination found nothing wrong with her medically. She was prescribed some vitamins and sent home. After a month her health didn’t seem to have any improvement. Saravanan again took her to the hospital and saw the same specialist. The specialist again did all the tests and some additional ones. The doctor told Meera to rest in bed in a room and called Saravanan aside.
“Doctor, tell me, what’s wrong with her?”
“Mr. Saravanan, I have done all the tests but we can’t find anything wrong.”
The doctor paused for a moment and said,” Sorry sir, but I even examined her to see if she had suffered any physical abuse. There was no signs of any old injuries.”
“What doctor.. you thought I was a wife beater..????”
“Don’t get upset sir, we have to look out for all possibilities. Now don’t get angry but I asked her separately if you are giving her any mental torture.”
Seeing Saravanan being upset at how he had questioned his wife the doctor quickly continued, “ I had to think that because your wife is always very quiet. She hardly speaks a word but when I asked that of her I saw some sort of emotion from her for the first time.”
“What emotion??” asked Saravanan.
“She was angry that I dare think something like that about you.”
Despite himself a small smile appeared in Saravanan’s face.
The doctor continued,” Mr. Saravanan, something has occurred that is causing all this. There seems to be nothing physical wrong with her. I suspect she is suffering something mentally.”
Seeing Saravanan suddenly becoming silent the doctor knew he was on the right track.
“I don’t want to know what it is because I am not trained to help even if I knew. It must be surely something very personal. I think she needs help from a mental health specialist.”
“what?? You think my wife is going mad??”
“No, no sir, many people make that mistake. All of us under go mental stress and even may have some mental issues which we are normally able to overcome. The mind can both be fragile and strong. Some people can be overcome by their troubles and it’s not as infrequent as you think.”
Saravanan was pondering on what the doctor was saying. He knew the stress Meera was in. She was always morose and seemed to be lost. Only when the kids or he was around there was some sort of spark within her even though that too was not much. He had even wrongly thinking mistakenly had asked her if she missed Prabu. It was as if he had slapped her. Her haunting look of pain had made him immediately regret what he had asked.
“I would rather die before, but how can I blame you for thinking that. I had behaved in such a cheap and dreadful manner before,” Meera said before bursting into tears.
It took a few days before she could recover from the pain caused by his words. Their life has not changed for the better after as he had expected after the Meera’s affair with Prabu had ended permanently. What else did he have to lose.
“What should I do doctor?”
“I have a colleague who is very good in treating people with problems like these. I will make an appointment with him for you. When next week would be okay for you?”
Saravanan left for home driving his car, deep in his thoughts. Meera sat beside him (Saravanan insisted on it) quietly without saying a word. It was getting dark as late evening had set in.
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