11-02-2020, 07:24 PM
On the last week of December, I sat alone in my room. “Somewhere in some cold winter night” I thought, “Abhimanyu might have arrived in India. He would have made a call to Kalyani. What would be his reaction upon hearing the news? What will he do? He will be devastated on knowing all the truth. Will he try to meet me and ask why I did that? Will he do something drastic and loose himself forever?” My chest gurgled with a sheer sharp pain with those thought. I banged my head on the bathroom mirror and cried in silent.
Often I asked myself “What wrong I did, God, that you are testing me like this?” There was no answer from HIM. He kept smiling softly at me. I could not understand as why HE was smiling.
I spent several sleepless nights, crying alone in my room. Himadri tried to console me, but his words felt like ice-cold in my ears. I felt those words did not have those warmth of compassion and love. Often I rubbed my flat abdomen, my womb, I felt empty, whenever I walked.
I failed myself in every front of my life. I failed to be a good daughter. I was born and my father passed away. I was the youngest child among my siblings so everyone cursed me for my father’s premature death. I failed myself as a lover. I lost faith for my heartthrob and I failed to wait for Abhimanyu. I failed to be a mother. My unborn sapling ended his breath before he could behold the light of the day. I failed to be a wife. I tried to be a good wife but then I lost everything from my husband’s side also.
For several nights, I trembled in my sleep. Whenever I tried to close my eyes, I felt the soft ripples in my empty abdomen. I pressed hard on my empty abdomen to stop the ripple. My ears echoed with the painful squirms “Ma, I want to live.” I pressed my ears with all my strength, tried hard to keep those words away. Alas, all those cries came from my soul; I could not keep away those cries from creeping in my heart and soul. At times, Himadri felt my silent tears. He used to hug me close to his chest. Nevertheless, his warmth felt like ice-cold touch to me.
#
Behaviour of my mother-in-law began to change after few months of my return. She was then more aggressive on me as I went timid and paranoid. I kept more to myself and ignored most of my surroundings. Most of her words went to my deaf ears, which started to make her burn in angst on me. She started to blame me for the loss of her first grandchild.
#
My school started after the winter vacation. Kalyani called few times after I returned to Dhanbad, but as she kept her promise that she made to me, she never uttered any word about Abhi. I was in dark and I wanted myself to be kept in dark.
#
It was few days after Holi; I was waiting for my rickshaw to arrive for my return to house. I saw that Niladri was waiting in front of my school. I was surprised to see him. He smiled at me. I returned a courtesy smile at him.
I asked him---“For whom you are waiting here?”
He came near me and said---“For you and who else.”
I was taken aback by his answer---“But rickshaw?”
---“No rickshaw from today. I will ferry my beautiful Boudi, everyday to school. Dad asked me to be your driver and I also thought this will be good.”
His face was beaming with a benevolent smile and empathy. I felt a soft throb somewhere deep inside me for that childish smile.
He looked at me and said---“What are you waiting for, come sit.”
I sat on the pillion of his bike.
On reaching home, my father-in-law told me that from that day, Niladri would schlep me for school every day. As he was in his father’s business, so he had time for me. Himadri also seconded his thought.
#
Night after night, I could not sleep on my bed. Whenever I closed my eyes, either it was Abhimanyu’s face in front of my eyes or the soft thump of the unborn sapling on my womb. I was nearing a mental breakdown. All I could gather up was nothing. My husband, Himadri was not by my side. He started to booze heavily. Every day he used to come late from his office. Every day he used to give me excuse that he was busy with his office works.
#
One night I was busy in checking the school copies. As usual, he returned late from his office.
I asked him---“What are you so late?”
He was inebriated state, he looked at me and said---“Why do you think I should come home at all?”
---“For me at least, I am your wife.”
He gave a disgraced look at me and said---“How can I douse my pains, Suchi. You can cry but can I?”
I came near him and touched his hand. His eyes were dripping with some rage and pain. “What was he thinking?”
He said to me in a very cold voice---“I told you before hand, that I do not want a child so early. However you paid no heed to my words and you have brought a disgrace.”
My ears burnt in shame and anger as those words poured hot lava in my ears.
---“What are you saying, Himu? Was that my fault only? Was that not your child also?”
---“You could have gone for an abortion.”
My head spanned on hearing him---“Why you did not take precautions? And now you are blaming me for all those mishaps.”
---“I don’t want to discuss that further, Suchi. Leave me alone.”
He snapped those last words and went out of the room. That day I sensed that the crack has developed between my husband and me. The last person on the world, on whom I could faith, left me alone in the room. I cried whole night. At the dawn, I asked myself “For whom, am I crying?” My soul did not have the answer of my query. After few days, I stopped annoying him about his late coming. I drowned myself in house chores and school works.
#
Next day morning, Niladri was driving me to school. He contemplated my painful face.
---“What happened, Boudi?”
I lost my voice and clutched his shoulder to control myself---“Nothing.”
---“I know very well, what happened last night. I was in my room, Boudi.”
I closed my eyes; my face was red in shame and fear. “What? He has heard our fight! How is he going to react?”
As we were entering the ISM campus, he suddenly stopped the bike. I asked him as why he stopped the bike.
He looked at me over his shoulder and said---“Boudi, do you have to goto school today?”
I constricted my brows and looked at him, trying hard to fathom his intention.
He was still looking at me and there was no smile or unlawful expression on his face.
I said very coolly---“I have to goto school, Niladri.”
---“I want to talk to you Boudi.”
---“What do you want to talk about?”
---“The beautiful smile that I saw on your lips, the jovial girl is lost. I apprehend that there is much more than what is shown.”
I kept my voice very stern and said---“Drop me to the school, Niladri. We can talk at home.”
He started the bike and dropped me in the front of my school.
Before returning he said---“I will wait for your answer, Boudi.”
I could not look in his eyes and slowly I went away.
I never talked about my pain with Niladri.
#
Often I asked myself “What wrong I did, God, that you are testing me like this?” There was no answer from HIM. He kept smiling softly at me. I could not understand as why HE was smiling.
I spent several sleepless nights, crying alone in my room. Himadri tried to console me, but his words felt like ice-cold in my ears. I felt those words did not have those warmth of compassion and love. Often I rubbed my flat abdomen, my womb, I felt empty, whenever I walked.
I failed myself in every front of my life. I failed to be a good daughter. I was born and my father passed away. I was the youngest child among my siblings so everyone cursed me for my father’s premature death. I failed myself as a lover. I lost faith for my heartthrob and I failed to wait for Abhimanyu. I failed to be a mother. My unborn sapling ended his breath before he could behold the light of the day. I failed to be a wife. I tried to be a good wife but then I lost everything from my husband’s side also.
For several nights, I trembled in my sleep. Whenever I tried to close my eyes, I felt the soft ripples in my empty abdomen. I pressed hard on my empty abdomen to stop the ripple. My ears echoed with the painful squirms “Ma, I want to live.” I pressed my ears with all my strength, tried hard to keep those words away. Alas, all those cries came from my soul; I could not keep away those cries from creeping in my heart and soul. At times, Himadri felt my silent tears. He used to hug me close to his chest. Nevertheless, his warmth felt like ice-cold touch to me.
#
Behaviour of my mother-in-law began to change after few months of my return. She was then more aggressive on me as I went timid and paranoid. I kept more to myself and ignored most of my surroundings. Most of her words went to my deaf ears, which started to make her burn in angst on me. She started to blame me for the loss of her first grandchild.
#
My school started after the winter vacation. Kalyani called few times after I returned to Dhanbad, but as she kept her promise that she made to me, she never uttered any word about Abhi. I was in dark and I wanted myself to be kept in dark.
#
It was few days after Holi; I was waiting for my rickshaw to arrive for my return to house. I saw that Niladri was waiting in front of my school. I was surprised to see him. He smiled at me. I returned a courtesy smile at him.
I asked him---“For whom you are waiting here?”
He came near me and said---“For you and who else.”
I was taken aback by his answer---“But rickshaw?”
---“No rickshaw from today. I will ferry my beautiful Boudi, everyday to school. Dad asked me to be your driver and I also thought this will be good.”
His face was beaming with a benevolent smile and empathy. I felt a soft throb somewhere deep inside me for that childish smile.
He looked at me and said---“What are you waiting for, come sit.”
I sat on the pillion of his bike.
On reaching home, my father-in-law told me that from that day, Niladri would schlep me for school every day. As he was in his father’s business, so he had time for me. Himadri also seconded his thought.
#
Night after night, I could not sleep on my bed. Whenever I closed my eyes, either it was Abhimanyu’s face in front of my eyes or the soft thump of the unborn sapling on my womb. I was nearing a mental breakdown. All I could gather up was nothing. My husband, Himadri was not by my side. He started to booze heavily. Every day he used to come late from his office. Every day he used to give me excuse that he was busy with his office works.
#
One night I was busy in checking the school copies. As usual, he returned late from his office.
I asked him---“What are you so late?”
He was inebriated state, he looked at me and said---“Why do you think I should come home at all?”
---“For me at least, I am your wife.”
He gave a disgraced look at me and said---“How can I douse my pains, Suchi. You can cry but can I?”
I came near him and touched his hand. His eyes were dripping with some rage and pain. “What was he thinking?”
He said to me in a very cold voice---“I told you before hand, that I do not want a child so early. However you paid no heed to my words and you have brought a disgrace.”
My ears burnt in shame and anger as those words poured hot lava in my ears.
---“What are you saying, Himu? Was that my fault only? Was that not your child also?”
---“You could have gone for an abortion.”
My head spanned on hearing him---“Why you did not take precautions? And now you are blaming me for all those mishaps.”
---“I don’t want to discuss that further, Suchi. Leave me alone.”
He snapped those last words and went out of the room. That day I sensed that the crack has developed between my husband and me. The last person on the world, on whom I could faith, left me alone in the room. I cried whole night. At the dawn, I asked myself “For whom, am I crying?” My soul did not have the answer of my query. After few days, I stopped annoying him about his late coming. I drowned myself in house chores and school works.
#
Next day morning, Niladri was driving me to school. He contemplated my painful face.
---“What happened, Boudi?”
I lost my voice and clutched his shoulder to control myself---“Nothing.”
---“I know very well, what happened last night. I was in my room, Boudi.”
I closed my eyes; my face was red in shame and fear. “What? He has heard our fight! How is he going to react?”
As we were entering the ISM campus, he suddenly stopped the bike. I asked him as why he stopped the bike.
He looked at me over his shoulder and said---“Boudi, do you have to goto school today?”
I constricted my brows and looked at him, trying hard to fathom his intention.
He was still looking at me and there was no smile or unlawful expression on his face.
I said very coolly---“I have to goto school, Niladri.”
---“I want to talk to you Boudi.”
---“What do you want to talk about?”
---“The beautiful smile that I saw on your lips, the jovial girl is lost. I apprehend that there is much more than what is shown.”
I kept my voice very stern and said---“Drop me to the school, Niladri. We can talk at home.”
He started the bike and dropped me in the front of my school.
Before returning he said---“I will wait for your answer, Boudi.”
I could not look in his eyes and slowly I went away.
I never talked about my pain with Niladri.
#
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