25-01-2019, 02:15 PM
I stared at him for a few seconds, regaining my breath. My eyes must have been alternating between confusion and panic. Finally after what seemed like ages but was no more than 5 seconds, I got up. Turned around and started making my way out of the shrubs rapidly, hoping Troy would not follow me, or grab me again. He did not. A few more seconds and I was out of the shrubs. I ran, ran hard like a sprinter, towards the gas station. Opened it, got behind the counter, and stood there red-faced, trying to catch my breath.
What had just happened? Why did he kiss me? Had he forced himself on me? Hadn't he? How could I let this happen? I was a happily married woman in love with my husband.
"No. You stay out. Stay out!" I yelled as I saw Troy opening the door trying to walk in.
"Savitri. It's not big deal." he said calmly.
"It is a big deal!" I said.
"No, it ain't!" Troy said.
"I am a married woman. Happily married." I said in such a high pitched voice that it grated even my nerves.
"Yes. I know." he said.
"Don't do that ever again!" I said.
He kept quiet. He was standing a few feet away from me across the counter, looking at the floor. We were both silent for a few minutes.
"Wasn't all me." he finally said.
"What?" I asked.
"It was not all me. You were kissing me back too. And the tongue...." he continued.
"Shut up, Troy! I wasn't kissing you back. There was no tongue. Just shut up!" I said, raising my voice again.
"I'm gonna be outside." Troy said in response and walked out of the store. I glared at him angrily as he left, and kept glaring through the glass wall even after he was standing near the pumps.
The next morning, Vinit didn't ask me what I had seen, because he knew Jill had taken the night off. I did open my mouth many times to tell him what had happened. Tell him about the kiss. Apologize. Maybe even quit the job. Bu for some reason, I did not. This was a completely new situation for me. I had never had to confess anything to Vinit. I had never done anything wrong. Even here, I didn't know if I had done anything wrong. If I told him, maybe Vinit would overreact.
I wallowed in guilt and confusion all day until we finally fell asleep after lunch. When I woke up at 7, Vinit was already getting ready. It took me a few minutes to sort out in my head if that kiss with Troy had actually happened, or if it had been a dream. When I realized it had been true, I started dreading the thought of going to work and facing Troy again.
"Please Savitri dikra." Pareshbhai said on the phone, "You have to go tonight. Jill isn't coming today either."
"But Paresbhai...." I protested. I had called up hoping to miss work.
"Please. Who will I find on such short notice. I would have gone myself, but I am in Savannah for some work."
"Can't anyone from your family..."
"No one is available. Please. At least until midnight. After that if your head still hurts, just close up and go home. But you know the 10pm-midnight traffic is important."
"Okay fine, Pareshbhai." I said reluctantly. He had been nice to me, given me a job risking his neck. I could not ignore his pleas, especially when I did not actually have a headache."
From the minute Vinit dropped me off at work, I was on pins and needles. Troy was there. But his behavior towards me was normal as if nothing had happened. I opened my book and tried hard to concentrate on it as Troy was outside fueling cars. I was thankful when customers walked in because it offered a bit of a distraction.
But for the most part, I kept obsessing over what had happened. My mind, as if on a loop setting, kept replaying the kiss over and over for me. As I remembered the kiss multiple times, I could not deny that along with the guilt, there was also an element of arousal. A part of me kept getting turned on at how amazing that kiss had felt when it was actually happening. How I had responded to his tongue with mine. How his lips felt, very different from Vinit's. How his stubble felt against my face. And how his warm breath felt. With every mental replay, the kiss seemed more and more magical in retrospect. And that in turn made me feel even guiltier. It was a hopeless spiral.
Every time I looked at Troy outside, my heart raced. And my guilt grew. A little past midnight, I was a complete mess, almost having an anxiety attack. Even the customers started noticing and asking if I was feeling okay. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I needed some time to myself. So I picked up the bathroom key and went there, to get away from it all and sort out my mental mess.
Okay, be rational, Savitri, I said to myself. There is no need to be this anxious. So you kissed a guy. It just happened. You didn't mean to. And so what if you responded and got turned on by it? You have never even kissed another man. It is natural to react with some excitement. The important thing is to keep it all in perspective. It was JUST a kiss.
But was it just a kiss, I asked myself. It seemed like so much more. Yes, because it is the only time you have kissed anyone apart from Vinit. But don't obsess over it. It was a weird situation, it was dark, you were outdoors, surprised, and you just got carried away. It can't have been as great as you're making it out to be, replaying it over and over again. Maybe you should just kiss him again and get it out of the system.
What? Kiss him again? How will that solve things? It will solve things because you have been building that one kiss up too much. Look at him. He is a fat ugly slob. There is no way you can find anything remotely attractive about him. Kiss him again, in full light, and you will see how ordinary it is. And just get it out of your system. Yes, maybe that is a good idea. Just get it out of the system. And then tomorrow, Jill will be back and they can get back to whatever they do. As far as I am concerned, I should just get it out of my system. And soon, before I lose my resolve.
Resolutely, I walked out of the bathroom and walked to the front. There were no customers around and Troy was standing near the door smoking a cigarette. I marched up to him, holding the key tightly in my fist. He looked at me as I came to a stop near him.
"What?" he said, blowing a puff of smoke out confused at the weird look on my face.
"I need to get it out of my system." I said in a rehearsed voice.
"Huhhh?"
Looking at his face, my resolve melted momentarily. But I reminded myself - get it out of your system. I took a few steps until I was right in front of him. Then I got on my tiptoes, closed my eyes, and puckered my lips, waiting for him to kiss me.
"Savitri...I don't think.." he started saying, but by now I was committed to the moment. I reached up with my hand, towards his head that stood a foot above mine, and pulled his face closer to mine. His lips touched mine and another kiss started.
That voice in my head that said this would be ordinary? Stupid, stupid and wrong. A few seconds into the kiss, Troy started kissing me back and again, I felt tiny bolts of electricity shoot through me. Troy bent down, put one arm around me and drew me close until I was pushing against his big belly. He then flicked the cigarette away from his fingers and wrapped his other arm around me, holding me in a tight embrace, as the kiss went on and on.
Again, his tongue probed mine, and again my tongue responded. Again, I felt his stubble, his breath on my face and it turned me on. Forget being ordinary, this kiss felt even better than the previous night. He was also caressing my back gently with his big rough hands, and it added to my state of excitement. And he kissed me alternating between really hard and then gently rubbing his lips over mine.
I had been feeling something rub against my stomach, but I ignored it until it became impossible to ignore. Then my mind got around to analyzing that feel and returned the verdict - what you feel against your stomach is his erection, which, based on recent changes in hardness and reach, seems to be growing really fast. Erection? That made me snap out of it.
I broke the kiss, freed his grip around my back, and took two steps back, gasping to catch my breath. I almost stumbled and realized that the kiss had made me feel light-headed. I thought I would topple over backwards and fall when Troy reached out with his hand and steadied me.
"You okay?" he asked. I nodded. Neither of us said anything. And I walked back inside the store.
My mind went from being chaotic to just completely blank. I had aimed for getting it out of my system. Instead I had suffered system overload. My mind just shut down completely, and I sat at the chair behind the counter, staring dumbly into nothingness. I don't know how much time passed by with me in a state of mental stasis when a customer came in. Asked for a pack of Camel lights. I mechanically reached back and fetched it for him, and took his money. I did not even respond when he wished me goodnight. He left and I went back to just sitting there dumbly.
I could not even bring myself to introspect. It just seemed too much to process. The only thing my mind communicated to me over the next hour or so, was telling me that I needed to go to the bathroom. Not to get away from anything, but to actually pee. And like a zombie, I took the key and walked to the bathroom. Sat on the toilet, relieved myself, cleaned up, got up, buttoned my pants, and was washing my hands when there was a knock on the door.
I opened it to see Troy's hulking figure standing there. We both started at each other for a few seconds. Then he gently pushed the door. I let it open. He stepped in. Closed it behind him. And then took me in his embrace, and started kissing me again. --- "Oh Troy...yess...harder..."
What had just happened? Why did he kiss me? Had he forced himself on me? Hadn't he? How could I let this happen? I was a happily married woman in love with my husband.
"No. You stay out. Stay out!" I yelled as I saw Troy opening the door trying to walk in.
"Savitri. It's not big deal." he said calmly.
"It is a big deal!" I said.
"No, it ain't!" Troy said.
"I am a married woman. Happily married." I said in such a high pitched voice that it grated even my nerves.
"Yes. I know." he said.
"Don't do that ever again!" I said.
He kept quiet. He was standing a few feet away from me across the counter, looking at the floor. We were both silent for a few minutes.
"Wasn't all me." he finally said.
"What?" I asked.
"It was not all me. You were kissing me back too. And the tongue...." he continued.
"Shut up, Troy! I wasn't kissing you back. There was no tongue. Just shut up!" I said, raising my voice again.
"I'm gonna be outside." Troy said in response and walked out of the store. I glared at him angrily as he left, and kept glaring through the glass wall even after he was standing near the pumps.
The next morning, Vinit didn't ask me what I had seen, because he knew Jill had taken the night off. I did open my mouth many times to tell him what had happened. Tell him about the kiss. Apologize. Maybe even quit the job. Bu for some reason, I did not. This was a completely new situation for me. I had never had to confess anything to Vinit. I had never done anything wrong. Even here, I didn't know if I had done anything wrong. If I told him, maybe Vinit would overreact.
I wallowed in guilt and confusion all day until we finally fell asleep after lunch. When I woke up at 7, Vinit was already getting ready. It took me a few minutes to sort out in my head if that kiss with Troy had actually happened, or if it had been a dream. When I realized it had been true, I started dreading the thought of going to work and facing Troy again.
"Please Savitri dikra." Pareshbhai said on the phone, "You have to go tonight. Jill isn't coming today either."
"But Paresbhai...." I protested. I had called up hoping to miss work.
"Please. Who will I find on such short notice. I would have gone myself, but I am in Savannah for some work."
"Can't anyone from your family..."
"No one is available. Please. At least until midnight. After that if your head still hurts, just close up and go home. But you know the 10pm-midnight traffic is important."
"Okay fine, Pareshbhai." I said reluctantly. He had been nice to me, given me a job risking his neck. I could not ignore his pleas, especially when I did not actually have a headache."
From the minute Vinit dropped me off at work, I was on pins and needles. Troy was there. But his behavior towards me was normal as if nothing had happened. I opened my book and tried hard to concentrate on it as Troy was outside fueling cars. I was thankful when customers walked in because it offered a bit of a distraction.
But for the most part, I kept obsessing over what had happened. My mind, as if on a loop setting, kept replaying the kiss over and over for me. As I remembered the kiss multiple times, I could not deny that along with the guilt, there was also an element of arousal. A part of me kept getting turned on at how amazing that kiss had felt when it was actually happening. How I had responded to his tongue with mine. How his lips felt, very different from Vinit's. How his stubble felt against my face. And how his warm breath felt. With every mental replay, the kiss seemed more and more magical in retrospect. And that in turn made me feel even guiltier. It was a hopeless spiral.
Every time I looked at Troy outside, my heart raced. And my guilt grew. A little past midnight, I was a complete mess, almost having an anxiety attack. Even the customers started noticing and asking if I was feeling okay. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I needed some time to myself. So I picked up the bathroom key and went there, to get away from it all and sort out my mental mess.
Okay, be rational, Savitri, I said to myself. There is no need to be this anxious. So you kissed a guy. It just happened. You didn't mean to. And so what if you responded and got turned on by it? You have never even kissed another man. It is natural to react with some excitement. The important thing is to keep it all in perspective. It was JUST a kiss.
But was it just a kiss, I asked myself. It seemed like so much more. Yes, because it is the only time you have kissed anyone apart from Vinit. But don't obsess over it. It was a weird situation, it was dark, you were outdoors, surprised, and you just got carried away. It can't have been as great as you're making it out to be, replaying it over and over again. Maybe you should just kiss him again and get it out of the system.
What? Kiss him again? How will that solve things? It will solve things because you have been building that one kiss up too much. Look at him. He is a fat ugly slob. There is no way you can find anything remotely attractive about him. Kiss him again, in full light, and you will see how ordinary it is. And just get it out of your system. Yes, maybe that is a good idea. Just get it out of the system. And then tomorrow, Jill will be back and they can get back to whatever they do. As far as I am concerned, I should just get it out of my system. And soon, before I lose my resolve.
Resolutely, I walked out of the bathroom and walked to the front. There were no customers around and Troy was standing near the door smoking a cigarette. I marched up to him, holding the key tightly in my fist. He looked at me as I came to a stop near him.
"What?" he said, blowing a puff of smoke out confused at the weird look on my face.
"I need to get it out of my system." I said in a rehearsed voice.
"Huhhh?"
Looking at his face, my resolve melted momentarily. But I reminded myself - get it out of your system. I took a few steps until I was right in front of him. Then I got on my tiptoes, closed my eyes, and puckered my lips, waiting for him to kiss me.
"Savitri...I don't think.." he started saying, but by now I was committed to the moment. I reached up with my hand, towards his head that stood a foot above mine, and pulled his face closer to mine. His lips touched mine and another kiss started.
That voice in my head that said this would be ordinary? Stupid, stupid and wrong. A few seconds into the kiss, Troy started kissing me back and again, I felt tiny bolts of electricity shoot through me. Troy bent down, put one arm around me and drew me close until I was pushing against his big belly. He then flicked the cigarette away from his fingers and wrapped his other arm around me, holding me in a tight embrace, as the kiss went on and on.
Again, his tongue probed mine, and again my tongue responded. Again, I felt his stubble, his breath on my face and it turned me on. Forget being ordinary, this kiss felt even better than the previous night. He was also caressing my back gently with his big rough hands, and it added to my state of excitement. And he kissed me alternating between really hard and then gently rubbing his lips over mine.
I had been feeling something rub against my stomach, but I ignored it until it became impossible to ignore. Then my mind got around to analyzing that feel and returned the verdict - what you feel against your stomach is his erection, which, based on recent changes in hardness and reach, seems to be growing really fast. Erection? That made me snap out of it.
I broke the kiss, freed his grip around my back, and took two steps back, gasping to catch my breath. I almost stumbled and realized that the kiss had made me feel light-headed. I thought I would topple over backwards and fall when Troy reached out with his hand and steadied me.
"You okay?" he asked. I nodded. Neither of us said anything. And I walked back inside the store.
My mind went from being chaotic to just completely blank. I had aimed for getting it out of my system. Instead I had suffered system overload. My mind just shut down completely, and I sat at the chair behind the counter, staring dumbly into nothingness. I don't know how much time passed by with me in a state of mental stasis when a customer came in. Asked for a pack of Camel lights. I mechanically reached back and fetched it for him, and took his money. I did not even respond when he wished me goodnight. He left and I went back to just sitting there dumbly.
I could not even bring myself to introspect. It just seemed too much to process. The only thing my mind communicated to me over the next hour or so, was telling me that I needed to go to the bathroom. Not to get away from anything, but to actually pee. And like a zombie, I took the key and walked to the bathroom. Sat on the toilet, relieved myself, cleaned up, got up, buttoned my pants, and was washing my hands when there was a knock on the door.
I opened it to see Troy's hulking figure standing there. We both started at each other for a few seconds. Then he gently pushed the door. I let it open. He stepped in. Closed it behind him. And then took me in his embrace, and started kissing me again. --- "Oh Troy...yess...harder..."
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