Dirty shayari and jokes

[arryn]

MADAM : Shor Mat Karo Nahin Toh Khada Kar Dungi.
Bachhe: Pehele Mera... Pehele Mera... Pehele Mera…

[arryn]

Bhagwan ne apne ek doot ko 3 questions ka answer dhoondne ke liye India bheja. 1. Sabse Strong Kya Hai ? 2. Sabse Kamzor kya hai? 3. Aur vo kya hai jo maine nahin banaya but phir bhi hai? Doot Waapas aakar bola: 1st: Sabse strong hai Jhaant Ka Baal... Jisko dekho bolta rehta hai - Tu meri jhaant ka baal bhi nahin ukhaad sakta. 2nd: Sabse kamzor hai 'Gaand'... jisko dekho bolta rehta hai hai - 'Gaand Phat Gayi.' 3rd: Aur woh chiz jo apne nahi banayi magar India me hai wo hai: 'Bhen Ka Lauda'.

[arryn]

Boys and Girls Ka Same Baat Kehne Main Farak:-
Girl: Aap Itni Fast Kyun Chal Rahe Ho?
Boy: Teri Gaand Mein Aag Lagi Hai Kya?

[arryn]

Pathan being intrviewed at U.K Embasy: CONSULATE: Your name please?
Pathan: Gul Khan.
CONSLATE: S*x ?
Pathan: Ten times a week.
CONSULATE: I mean male or female?
Pathan: Both male and female and sometimes Camels too.
CONSULATE: You seem Ugly. Pathan: Yes Ugly and Pichli both sides.
CONSULATE: Freaky Ass!
Pathan: Yes, sometimes free ki ass somtimes have to pay.
CONSULATE: Man are you hostile?
Pathan: Horse style,dog style any style.
CONSULATE: Oh dear!!!
Pathan: Deer? No deer they run very fast.

[arryn]

If Sridevi were running a shop, I wonder whether she would say "Abhi Boney ka Time hai"!

[arryn]

Honeymoon Par Gaye Mr & Mrs Kumar Ne Hotel Mein Entry Li. Wife Sofe Par Baith Gayi Aur Uska Husband Counter Par Room Book Karne Chala Gaya. Waha Counter Par Ek Ladki Mini Skirt Mein Khadi Thi. Room Mein Aakar Husband Ne Wife Se Kaha, "Woh Jo Ladki Counter Par Khadi Thi Woh Call Girl Thi." Wife,"Nahi Ji Ye Unka Uniform Hota Hai Aap Toh Kuch Bhi Samajh Lete Ho." Mr & Mrs Kumar Mein Bahas Ho Gayi Aur Shart Lag Gayi. Husband Ne Wife Ko Parde Ke Peeche Chhupa Diya Aur Ladki Ko Bulaya Aur Puchha, "Main Akela Hun Aaj Raat Mere Sath Rukogi?" Ladki Boli, "2000 Charge Karungi." Husband: 200 Dunga. Aur Ladki Gussa Ho Kar Chali Gayi Aur Husband Shart Jeet Gaya. Phir Sham Ko Mr & Mrs Kumar Restaurant Mein Baithe Hue The, Toh Us Ladki Ne Door Se Unhe Dekha Aur Paas Aakar Boli, "200 Rs Mein Toh Aisi Hi Milegi!"

[arryn]

The Teacher: Condom Ke Istemal Se Koi Problem Nahin Hota. Is se Aap Safe Bhi Rahte Hain Aur S*x Ke Anand Mein Bhi Koi Phark Nahin Padta. Any Doubt Ya Question? A Girl: Sir... Kya Sap Polethene Ke Andar Rakhe Gulab Jamun Ko Chus Kar Uski Mithaas Feel Kar Payenge?

[arryn]

Ek Bar Husband Apni Wife Ke Sath Apne Sasural Jaata Hai. Ek Din Vahan Husband Biwi Se Kahta Hai: Chalo Aaj Mood Bana Lein.
Biwi: Nahi Ye Mere Papa Ka Ghar Hai. Funny
Husband: To Kya Mere Baap Ka Ghar Randi Khana Hai Jo Tu Roz Taiyar Ho Jati Hai.

[arryn]

Ek bahut hi khubsoorat and s*xy ladki doctor ke pass gayi aur boli: Doctor sahab mere ko ajeeb si beemari hai.
Doctor: Kya?
Ladki: Main jab bhi cigarette peeti hun toh bada uncomfortable feel karti hun. Ek ajeeb si baichaini hoti hai. Jab mein pehla kash leti hoon toh apne shoes utaar deti hun, dusre kash mein socks, teesre kash mein shirt utaar deti hun, fourth kash mein apna lower, aur........ Doctor beech mein usko tokte hue bola: Mujhe kuch samajh nahi aa raha, ek kaam karo ye lo cigarette ka packet aur aaram se pee kar batao.

[arryn]

Three housewives were walking in a park. They saw a dog f*cking a b**ch really hard there.
Doctor's Wife: So sweet, now they will have cute puppies.
Lawyer's Wife: No, this is a pure attempt of r*pe, and dog should be hanged.
Major's Wife: Lagta Hai Ke Kutta 6 Mahine Ke Baad Ghar Aya Hai...

[arryn]

Ek din ek lady tota kharidne gayi?
Lady: Iski kya khasiyat hai?
Dukandar: Ye bolta hai.
Lady ne Tote se pucha: Main kaisi lagti hu?
Tota: Saali randi hai?
Lady: Yeh toh bahot badtameez tota hai? Dukandar tote ko andar le gaya or zor se pani mein duba ke pucha: Bol ab gaali dega?
Tota: Nahin, kabhi nahin dunga? Wo usko bahar le gaya or lady se kaha, Madam, ab puchiye.
Lady: Agar mere ghar pe ek admi aye to tum kya sochoge?
Tota: Apka pati hai?
Lady: Agar 2 aadmi aayein toh?
Tota: Apka pati aur dever?
Lady: Aur agar 3 ?
Tota: Apka pati, apka dever aur apka bhai?
Lady: Aur maan lo ki 4 aadmi aa jayein toh kya sochoge ?
Tota: Pani le aao bhai, maine to pehle hi kaha tha yeh saali randi hai.

[arryn]

Boys and Girls Ka Same Baat Kehne Main Farak:-
Girl: Us Ladki Ka Character Achcha Nahi Hai.
Boy: Woh toh Randi Hai Saali

[arryn]

Ek call girl apni bacony se whistle bajate hue, ek 65 saal ke aadmi se bolti hai: "Uncle, aap ek baar to aao aur try karo na!"
Uncle: "Main KAR nahi paunga."
Call Girl: "Arre, aao na uncle, try toh karo!" Uncle aa gaye aur call girl pe toot pade aur 2-3 baar achchi tarah se us ke saath s*x kiya.
Call Girl: "Haaye mein mar gayi. Aap to bol rahe the ki kar nahi paunga, lekin aapne to kamaal hi kar diya."
Uncle: "Woh to main PAYMENT ke baare me bol raha tha pagli."

[arryn]

Boss was f*cking a lady in his office, employee walked in.
Employee: Wah Sir, akele akele!!! Humara number kab?
Boss: Agar March ka target pura nahi hua bh*sdike to agala number tera hi hai.

[arryn]

Wife: Ek baat bolun???
Husband: Haan yaar, bolo...
Wife: Maaroge to nahi?
Husband: Kya bol rahi ho, kyun marunga bhala tumhe?
Wife: Daantoge bhin nahin....?
Husband: Bilkul nahin daantunga..., baat toh batao.
Wife: Main pregnant hun.
Husband: Hurray !!! Pagli kahin ki, it's a good news, darr kyun rahi thi???
Wife: College ke dino maine ek baar papa ko bataya tha toh badi maar padi thi...

[arryn]

Boys and Girls Ka Same Baat Kehne Main Farak:-
Girl: Aaj Toh Ghar Waalon Se Daant Padegi.
Boy: Aaj Toh Laude Lag Gaye Bhenchod.

[arryn]

Eyes ke operation ke baad doctor ki fees bachane ke chakkar mein babu ji bole, "Doctor sahab mujhe kuch dikh nahin raha."
Doctor: Babu ji apni aankhien band kar lijiye aur phir dobara se dheere dheere kholiye."
Babu: Doctor sahab mujhe ab bhi kuch dikhai nahi de raha." Doctor apni nurse ko Babu ji ke samne kapde utarne ke liye kehta hai. Babu: "Mujhe kuch bhi nazar nahi aa raha." Doctor apni nurse ko taange kholney ke liye kehta hai.
Babu: "Doctor sahab mujhe such mein kuch nahi nazar aa raha hai."
Doctor: "Abey c****ya samjha hai kya, kuch nazar nahi aa raha toh ye neeche erection kaise aur kyun ho rahi hai?"

[arryn]

Boy: Can I Kiss you?
Girl: Condom laye ho?
Boy: Kiss k liye condom???
Girl: Sharif to aise ban rahe ho jaise kissing ke bad jo Khada hoga uspe 2019 ka Calender tangoge!!!

[arryn]

एक औरत एक दुकान में एक बोर्ड पढती है जिस पर लिखा था - "से*स करने वाला बन्दर " औरत दुकानदार से कहती है उसे एक चाहिए और ५००० रूपये देकर बन्दर खरीद लेती है। दुकानदार उसे एक कागज़ देता है जिस पर इस्तेमाल का तरीका लिखा था। औरत घर जाती है और कागज़ को पढ़ती है जिसमें लिखा था " बन्दर को नहला कर और खुद नहा कर बिस्तर पर लेट जाएँ, बाकी काम बन्दर खुद कर लेगा। औरत बन्दर को नहला कर और खुद नहा कर बिस्तर पर लेट जाती है पर बन्दर कुछ भी नहीं करता। औरत बन्दर को एक बार और नहला कर खुद भी एक बार और नहाती है और बिस्तर पर लेट जाती है, पर बन्दर फिर भी कुछ नहीं करता। थक कर वो उस कागज को दोबारा पढ़ती है और वो उसमें नीचे लिखा देखती है - "परेशानी होने पर दुकानदार को फोन करें "। औरत दुकानदार को फोन मिलाती है - आपका बन्दर तो बिलकुल भी काम का नहीं है आप इसे आकर चेक करें । दुकानदार थोड़ी देर में उस औरत के घर पर पहुँच जाता है और बन्दर को अपने सामने एक टेबल पर बैठा कर बोलता है - "ध्यान रख मैं तुझे आखिरी बार करके दिखा रहा हूँ।"

[arryn]

सबसे पवित्र चीज है पुरुष का 'लिंग' ये बहूत विनम्र है, हमेशा झुका रहता है ये दयालु है, लडकियों की गोद भरता है ये असली गुरु है, जो अपने दो चेलों का साथ नही छोडता इसमें सादगी है, ये छोटी सी गुफा में रात गुजारता है ये आदरणीय है, नारी को देख के खड़ा हो जाता है ये कोमल है, चाहे कितना भी मोड़ो मरोड़ो इसमें से अमृत ही निकलता है, जिससे सृष्टि चलती है।