Dirty shayari and jokes

[arryn]

"पापा मैं कैसे पैदा हुआ"?
पापा - बेटा मैं और तेरी मम्मी पहली बार Yahoo Chat Room में मिले थे। फिर हमने एक Cyber Cafe में पहली मुलाकात थी। तुम्हारी मम्मी के Software देखकर मेरे Hardware को प्यार हो गया। फिर हम एक कमरे में घुस गए क्योंकि हमारा CPU गर्म हो गया था। तुम्हारी मम्मी मेरे Pen Drive से Download करवाने को राज़ी हो गई। लेकिन जैसे ही मैं Upload करने लगा, मुझे अहसास हुआ कि हम लोगों ने न तो Anti-Virus का इस्तेमाल किया है और न ही Firewall का। अब तो इतनी देर हो चुकी थी कि Delete या Escape Button का इस्तेमाल करना भी मुमकिन नहीं था।

छः हफ़्तों बाद तुम्हारी मम्मी ने मुझे Internet पर Chat करके बताया कि उसका Operating System किसी Self-Extracting File के चलते Unauthorized Program Activity दिखा रहा था,
जिससे उसका System Slow हो गया था। वह Self-Extracting File तुम्हारी मम्मी के BIOS में Load थी। नौ महीने बाद एक Pop-Up दिखाई दिया, जिसमें लिखा था, You've Got Mail (Male)!

[arryn]

Ek Pari ne dekha ki ek Sher Khargosh ka peechha kar raha hai...
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Pari ne dono ko rok kar kaha ke agar tum aisa na karo to main tum dono ki 3-3 khwahishein poori karungi
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Sher: Mere alawa is jungle ke tamaam Sheron ko Sherniyan bana do.
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Khargosh: Mujhe ek helmet de do.
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Sher: Bagal wale jungle ke tamaam Sheron ko bhi Sherniyan bana do..
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Khargosh: Mujhe ek bike de do.
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Sher: Saari duniya ke Sheron ko Sherniyan bana do.
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Khargosh ne bike start ki us par baith kar helmet pehna aur bola:
"Iss sher ko Gay bana do"

[arryn]

Ek aadmi apne bete ke liye ek ROBOT laya, jo jooth bolne par THAPAD marta tha.
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Beta: Papa aaj mai college nahi jaunga mere pet me dard hai (Sattaak...)
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PAPA- Dekha tune jooth bola isliye tujhe saza mili, mai jab tere jitna tha to kabhi jooth nahi bolta tha. (Sattaak...)
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Wife: (Haste huye boli) Aap hi ka beta hai. (Sattaak...)

[arryn]

Ek ladki sadak par akeli jaa rahi thi, pichhe se ek ladka bola : Ghar tak lift chahiye kya?
Ladki : Bhag jaa harami 3 din se lift le rahi hoon abhi tak ghar nahi pahuchi

[arryn]

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods, the golfer."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."
The couple then makes passionate love.
When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time.
When they finish, he goes back to the phone.
"What are you doing now?" she asks.
"I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.
Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

[arryn]

"If women ruled the world," said my wife, "there'd be no wars."
"That's true," I replied. "Wars require strategy and logic."

[arryn]

There Are At Least eight types of orgasm for a woman.

1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes...

2. The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No...

3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No...

4. The Traveler - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming...

5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God...

6. The User - Ahh, More, More, More...

7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you take it out, I'll kill you...

8. The Submariner - Mmm...Ohhh...Deeper...Deeper... Go Deeper!

[arryn]

Little Johnny is walking down the hall when he hears a noise from his parents room.

He knocks on the door and asks his mom what's going on.

"Playing cards," she replies.

"Who's your partner?" asked little johnny.

"Your father!"

Content with his answer, Little Johnny walks further down the hall towards his room when he hears the same noise coming from his sister's room.

Again, he knocks on the door and asked his sister what was she doing.

"Playing cards."

"With who?" he asks.

"My boyfriend!" she says.

A short while later, Little Johnny's father is walking down the hall and hears a noise coming from Little Johnny's room.

He knocks on the door and asks "What are you doing?"

"Playing cards!" replied Johnny.

"Who's your partner?" asked his father.

Little Johnny answers promptly, "With a hand like this who needs a partner?"

[arryn]

A horny young man went to a brothel. The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available.

"On the first floor, we have the ex-models, they are all slinky and sexy. On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses, they are all buxom and beautiful. On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers, they..."

"Say no more! Lead me to the third floor !"

"Are you sure? I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses."

"It's obvious, ma'am... teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you're perfect at it !!"

[arryn]

Little Johnny is sitting, being his cool self in the local park. Along comes Suzi chomping on her piece of gum.

"Hey Johnny, wanna play doctor?"

Johnny lets out a puff of smoke, "Nah, that's too old fashioned."

Johnny takes another drag, "Spit out your gum, I wanna play President."

[arryn]

A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage counselor.

The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in common."

The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dicks."

[arryn]

During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class, "Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow taller than guys?"

Little Johnny raised his hand and replied, "That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down."

The teacher, a bit annoyed, responded, "Then why is it that at maturity guys tend to grow taller than girls?"

Little Johnny countered by saying, "That's because girls get breasts and they are heavier than the guy's balls."

[arryn]

During a course in human sexuality, the instructor was discussing various items in the Kinsey report.

The class members gasped audibly when the instructor read out that a woman had several hundred orgasms in a single session.

A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?"

A female voice followed with, "The hell with that... Who was HE?"

[arryn]

A young woman was impressed by the massive Texan in the bar.

"Pardon me, sir, but can I ask about the measurements of your chest. I am amazed."

"Well, thank you, ma'am. It's 33 inches."

"Wow, around?"

"No, ma'am. Through."

"Well, then, sir. What about your waist?"

"It's 28 inches."

"Around?"

"No, ma'am. Through."

"Well, then. One last question. What about the size of your manhood."

"You see, ma'am. It's 3 inches!"

"Wow," said the woman. "Through?!"

"Oh, no, Ma'am. From the floor!!!

[arryn]

Wife: Make me wet. Alok Nath Pour gangajal on her

[arryn]

Sidharth was Masturbating and his wife came....
Wife: Yeh Kya Kar Rahe Ho?
Sidharth: Kalaaiyon Ka Behatarin Upyog.

[arryn]

Badi Behen Honeymoon Pe Gayi.
Choti Ne SMS Kiya : Didi Jo Jeans Di Thi Vo Jarur Pehenana.
Didi's Reply: Tujhe Jeans Ki Padi Hai, Is Tharki Ne 4 Din Se Underwaer Tak Toh Pehnane Nahin Di.

[arryn]

Ek N*gro husband Apni Indian wife Ko Kehta Hai: Today is our fancy dress competition, get me one costume... Wife goes and brings a Santa Claus dress.
N*gro: You fool, have you ever seen a bl*ck Santa??? Then wife goes and brings a Snow Man's costume.
N*gro: You idiot, have you ever seen a bl*ck Snow man?? Then wife goes again angrily and brings a wooden rod, inserts it in the a**hole of her husband & says: Ye LE, 'CHOCO-BAR Ban Ja Bhutni Ke!!!!'

[arryn]

Boy: Tumhari Car Kaisi Chal Rahi Hai?
Girl: Theek Chal Rahi Hai.
Boy: Aaj Shaam Ko Dogi Kya?
Girl: Haan Le Lena, But Ye Toh Batao Car Ke Baare Mein Kyun Pooch Rahe Thee???

[arryn]

Bihar Ke Kisi Village Mein Aaj Bhi Films Ki Advertising Auto Pe Loudspeakers Se Announce Hoti Hai. Ek Din Kuch Aisa Announce Hua... Film Ka Naam Tha - Bade Ghar Ki Bahu Rani. Bade Ghar Ki Bahu Rani Ka Mazaa Lijiye, Din Mein Caar Baar, 9 Se 12, 12 Se 3, 3 Se 9 Aur Raat Ko 9 Se 12...!!! Aage Ka 30 Rupiya, Aur Peechhe Ka 60 Rupiya...!!!