Adult/Dirty/Sex Jokes

[pastispresent]

All credits belong to the original writers/sites

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[pastispresent]

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, 

so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" 

Johnny says, "None." 

The teacher asks, "Why?" 

Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." 

The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." 

Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" 

The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." 

Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

[pastispresent]

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

[pastispresent]

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. 

My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. 

My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. 

As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. 

She asked me out for lunch. 

After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. 

We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" 

"Okay," I said. 

She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" 

while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

[pastispresent]

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

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Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"

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My girlfriend dressed up as a security officerwoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

[pastispresent]

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?


Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!

Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..

Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

[pastispresent]

"Mom, I'm dating a man."

"Whom, sweetheart?"

"Mike the mailman."

"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"

"But mom, age is just a number."

"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."

[pastispresent]

The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

Long
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Helen: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

[pastispresent]

My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends...


So I told her she was the only one I had been with!

The others were all eights and nines.

[Dpdpxx77]

Hhahaha .....super funny... ;) 

[pastispresent]

Hhahaha .....super funny... ;) 

Thanks ! All credits belong to original writers

[pastispresent]

My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...


She got so mad and said she’s never gonna play scrabble with me ever again

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I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!


Almost on Monday!

Almost on Tuesday!

Almost on Wednesday!

Almost on Thursday!

Almost on Friday!

Almost on Saturday!

Almost on Sunday.!

[pastispresent]

My wife was dying.

I was by her bedside.

She said in a tired voice, "Theres something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said, "theres nothing to confess. Everythings alright."

"No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."

"I know," I whispered, "Thats why I poisoned you."

[pastispresent]

My wife texted "I'm leaving you"

And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."

I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."

I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job"

A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."

[Dpdpxx77]

My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends...


So I told her she was the only one I had been with!

The others were all eights and nines.

Didn't get this one...can you explain???
And scrabble joke also...

[pastispresent]

What does gay mean?

asked a son to his father.

"It means 'happy,'" the father answered.

"Oh," replied the son, "so are you gay, then?"

"No, son, I have a wife."

[pastispresent]

I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife…

But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.